Back to my Roots

by Tessa Elaine

  He's going to school for law to become a partner at his father's firm. Dorian is handsome in that Abercrombie kind of way. With a slender build, brown eyes, dark hair, and a nice smile. I have thought of calling it off with him but as soon as I think I can, I lose all my nerve. I don't deal well with big change; my therapist says it has to do with my general anxiety and OCD. My OCD is keeping a routine, no sudden changes or it throws me into a panic attack. It makes it hard for me to make a decision without thinking it over for a long period of time.

  “Dorian is just fine, thank you for asking.” She knows I'm lying, she can read me like a book.

  “Fine definitely means he is not doing it right. I don't know why you don't dump his ass already.” I'm quiet for a bit and Aubrey knows it's something I'm not ready to get into.

  “I'm sorry chica, I know you don't like change but sometimes change can be a great thing.”

  “I know change can be good sometimes, but I can't convince myself to dump a nice guy for no reason.” Dorian is a nice guy, he is always understanding and patient. I don't want to hurt him.

  “Yes, he is nice, but he is boring, you need a man. Someone who will break you out of your shell and make you forget the bad.” I know she's right, I had that once for a short time. A man that made me feel alive and it was amazing even for the short time it lasted. Then like everything else, it was gone.

  “I don't want to talk about Dorian anymore.”

  “Fine what do you want to talk about?”

  I curl my feet under my legs and sit back.

  “Aunt Grace is putting a dinner party together to celebrate my job. Would you go with me so I don't have to go alone?”

  “Yes, I'll come to your party.” Aubrey winks at me.

  “I can always count on you.” We hug and say goodnight as we both get up to head to our bedrooms.

  It takes me sometime to fall asleep, I can't help but think is Aubrey right about my relationship with Dorian. I have had similar thoughts about this the last few weeks. I decided I will talk to him soon. I feel a little guilty for not inviting him to the dinner party, but I really just need my friend there right now. I drift off to sleep and the dreams start, but this time it's my favorite one. It is about Lucas and I, if things had never gone terribly wrong that night. I can only imagine where we would be now.

  I'm helping dad run the ranch and Lucas is opening his shop. He loves rebuilding old cars and selling them. We are married and living in our own home on the 2,000 acres of my family's ranch. It is a beautiful cabin we designed ourselves. We have been trying for a baby and can't wait to fill our home full of children. This is where I want to be, in our home and in his arms, where I belong.

  Chapter 2

  Elena

  It's an early start the next day, I have so much to do before tonight's dinner party. I still have no idea what I'm going to wear but I'm sure I can raid Aubrey's closet. As I'm showering I can't help but think of the dream I had last night. I try so hard not to think of Lucas but it's no use. It's like trying not to breath, impossible. When I'm finished with my shower I quickly get ready for the day. On my way out the door Aubrey hands me a cup of coffee and a bagel, what would I do without her?

  “You are my savior.”

  She just waves as I run out the door toward the stairs of the apartment complex. The day starts as any other day, with a long work day. I'm finishing up at the doctor's office and heading to my car when my phone goes off. As I'm pulling it out of my purse I see it's Dorian.

  Dorian-What are your plans tonight? I miss you.

  I ignore it, I'm really not ready to deal with it right now. I get in my Ford Focus and head to my therapist appointment. On my way my phone goes off a few more times but I wait to answer it until I'm parked. I have a couple more text messages but this time one is from my Aunt Grace and one from Aubrey.

  Aunt Grace wants to confirm the time I will be at her house tonight, Aubrey reminds me that we are meeting back at our place to get ready for the dinner. I send them both quick replies and head into my therapist's office. I was seeing him every week when I first moved to Washington but now it's only once a month. I guess that's progress. When I step inside my phone goes off again. I look down thinking it's Aubrey, but it's another message from Dorian.

  Dorian-Is everything okay? I haven't heard from you and I'm worried.

  I feel bad about ignoring him so I send a quick text.

  Me-I'm good just really busy, I'll call you later.

  I put my phone away and walk up to the receptionist, she greets me right away by asking how I'm doing. We exchange small talk while she checks me in and lets me know Dr. Morgan will be with me shortly. I take a seat and wait for my appointment, while I wait I can't help think about what I'm going to do about Dorian. My thoughts are lost when Dr. Morgan calls my name to start our session, I smile and walk into his office.

  After my appointment I'm a little off my game. Today's was a little different, usually we talk about my everyday life. This time he wanted to talk about my past and what I have done to cope with it. I really haven't done anything, I've just been pushing forward. I try to avoid everything that takes me back there and look to the future. He suggested it would be a good idea to go back home and deal with my family's ranch and to see old friends.

  I told him I'm not ready for that, but he seems to think otherwise. I finally make it back to the apartment and flop down on the couch. I'm exhausted mentally and physically. Aubrey arrives shortly after I do, when she walks through the door and sees me, she stops in her tracks.

  “Hey girl, how was your day?”

  I just make an unintelligible noise and cover my face with my arm.

  “That bad?” She asks as she makes her way to the kitchen. When she returns she has two beers in her hand and offers me one.

  “Here this will help.”

  “We have to leave for dinner in a couple hours, don't you think it's a little too early to start drinking?” I ask, already knowing the answer.

  “It's never too early, and from the sound of that grumble you need it.” She's not wrong.

  “Dorian has been texting all day wanting to see me tonight. I don't have the heart to tell him I have plans and didn't invite him.”

  “So just ignore him,” she says with a knowing look. Aubrey knows exactly where I'm going with this.

  “I have been.” I wince as I say it.

  “Now all that's left is to kick his ass to the curb.” I make a few more noises and throw my head back against the couch.

  “Don't feel bad, you would feel worse if you wasted your life unhappy.”

  “I know it's just not going to be easy.”

  “I have something that will make your day all better.” Aubrey gets up and offers me her hand.

  “Oh yeah, what's that?” I take her hand and she leads me to her closet.

  “Cute clothes and killer shoes, they always make a girl feel good.” We both laugh as we raid her closet.

  Two hours later we are both ready and heading out the door. I'm in a black A-line dress, with an off the shoulder “V” neck. The dress stops right above the knee and it hugs my body perfectly. Aubrey let me borrow my favorite red pumps to go with it. I straighten my hair and applied just a little makeup. I feel really good, and I have to admit I look good to. Aubrey looks stunning as always. She's wearing a royal blue two-piece dress with a jewel neckline, it stops mid-thigh. The dress looks amazing with her complexion and her red hair in soft curls down her back.

  We arrive at my aunt and uncle's lake house thirty minutes later. They own a three-story stone home that's about 4,000sq feet, the grounds are absolutely gorgeous. There's a huge deck in the back that looks over an amazing garden with the lake in the background. When I first moved in with Aunt Grace and Uncle James the garden was one of my favorite places.

  They did everything they could to make me feel at home. I am very thankful for all they have done. When I knock on the door, it opens immediately and we are greeted by my cou
sin Olivia. She's a few years younger than I am and spent most of her time at school and with friends when I first moved in. She is Aunt Grace and Uncle James only child.

  “Elena, I'm so glad you're here. Aubrey, how are you? You both look amazing.” She says with a smile then motions us in. Olivia and I haven't spent much time together even as children, but she is one of the sweetest people I know.

  “My mom wanted me to let her know when you arrived.” Aubrey and I follow her through the family room and out to the back deck. When I walk out I take a look around and freeze. Aubrey notices my hesitation and stops next to me.

  “What's wrong?” She asks in a whisper.

  “Dorian is here,” I whisper out of the side of my mouth. I didn't invite him. Why is he here? I can't believe this, I spent all day avoiding him. What do I say to him?

  “Well don't freak out but they are coming this way.” This is just great, I really don't need this right now. Aunt Grace reaches me first with a hug, when she releases me Dorian gives me a kiss on the cheek and leans in to whisper in my ear.

  “I was wondering when you were going to show up.”

  I just smile politely and move my attention back to Aunt Grace. Aubrey turns around from hugging my aunt and sees Dorian standing next to me.

  “Hello Aubrey,” Dorian says flatly.

  “Dorian.” She gives him the same flat tone.

  I know they don't get along but this is really awkward. Aunt Grace saves us and moves everyone into the dining room for dinner. We all take our seats and the staff she has hired for the night brings our food out. We eat with easy small talk, I'm quite unless someone speaks to me directly.

  Aunt Grace keeps giving me a sad smile like she has something she wants to talk to me about. Aubrey keeps glaring at Dorian and I can't figure out why.

  Dorian puts his hand on my thigh and I flinch, I know he noticed by the questioning look he gives me. He doesn't say anything, but he has to feel me pulling away. He announces he would like to make a toast and goes to stand. I grab his arm to stop him but he just shakes his head.

  “I would like to congratulate my beautiful girlfriend on her accomplishments. She has worked so hard and I couldn't be prouder.” Where is he going with this, I feel like my stomach is in knots.

  “I would like to take this time to tell you, Elena Brighton that I love you. You are what I see when I look at my future.” My palms are starting to sweat and I can't breathe. I don't know why he is doing this in front of all these people. I have no idea where this is going but he is not done. Next thing I know he is down on one knee, I hear Aubrey say something across from me like, “Oh shit” but I'm not sure.

  Everything is starting to sound like I'm underwater.

  “We have been together for a year now, and it has been a wonderful year. I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” He pulls out a small box from his jacket pocket.

  “Elena Brighton will you marry me?”

  I realize I'm holding my breath when I start to get light headed. I can't talk, I'm in shock I was not expecting this at all.

  “Elena?” He says with a hopeful look on his face.

  I look at Aubrey and she has the same look of shock that I'm sure is on my face. I just start shaking my head no.

  “I can't do this.” I stand up so fast the chair topples to the floor, and start running for the stairs. I can hear Dorian calling my name behind me but I don't stop, I had to get out of there. When I make it to my old room and slam the door, I lean my back on it and slowly slide to the floor. The minute I'm there a full-blown panic attack hits and I feel like I'm having a heart attack. I lay down on the floor in the fetal position and at some point, I fall asleep. I not sure how long I'm out but I wake up to a knock on the door.

  It takes me a second to remember where I am. Once I get my thoughts in order I move out from in front of the door. It cracks open and my aunt peeks around it.

  “Can we come in?” Aunt Grace sees the hesitation on my face. “It's just me and Aubrey, we sent Dorian home.”

  I nod my head and sit on the edge of the bed. They both come into my old room and Aunt Grace takes the chair across from me while Aubrey sits next to me on the bed. Aunt Grace gives me an apologetic look before she starts.

  “I'm so sorry sweetheart, I had no idea he was going to propose.”

  “How did he find out about the dinner in the first place?” I still can't wrap my head around what happened. My aunt gives me a sheepish look.

  “That would be my fault too. I thought things were going well between you two. I went by your apartment a few days ago and Dorian was there.” I bury my head in my hands. “We got to talking and he had no idea about the dinner. I just assumed you got busy and forgot to tell him, so I invited him. If I would have known you two were having problems I would never have said anything.” It's not her fault, I only have myself to blame for this mess.

  “I should have been honest with Dorian, and none of this would have happened. There's no one to blame but myself.”

  “Girl, you can't blame yourself for this. In all fairness, he just sprung this one on you and in a room full of people none the less.” Aubrey is trying to make me feel better.

  “Maybe he thought I would say yes with the added pressure.” This is still so unreal.

  “Well that plan backfired on him now didn't it.” I flinch at Aubrey's words, I know she's trying to make me laugh but I still feel bad. Dorian deserves someone that will love him back, and wants to be Mrs. Graham. That is not me.

  Aunt Grace is looking at the floor twisting her fingers in her lap. I know that look, she has something on her mind but is afraid of my reaction. ''Spit it out.” I tell her and her head snaps up.

  “Don't get upset.” I don't know why people say not to get upset, then proceed to tell you something that will upset you.

  “I went to talk to Dr. Morgan last week.” I can feel all the color drain out of my face.

  “Now before you go jumping to conclusions, he is not allowed to talk about what goes on in your sessions. What the two of you talk about stays between you.” I relax just slightly at her words. “I just needed his advice on how to approach this subject with you.”

  “What subject?”

  “I think it might be time for you to go back to Eureka.” Now I think I'm going to be sick. Aubrey can see the panic on my face and starts to rub slow circles on my back.

  “You know I can't,” I whisper, I can barely push the words past my throat.

  “Elena, it has been seven years and something needs to be done about the ranch.”

  “Sell it, I don't care. I can't go back there.” It has been months since my last panic attack and now I've had two in one day. Shit!

  “Your uncle and I have done everything we can, but your name is on the deed. You're the only one who can make the call on what comes next. Whether you choose to sell it or keep it, that decision is left to you.”

  “Then find a buyer and I'll sign the papers.” I just want to forget about that place.

  “I think you should go back before you make that kind of decision.”

  She doesn't understand, how can I go back?

  Just thinking about that town and the people I left behind starts another panic attack. That's three in one day.

  “I think your aunt is right.” Great now my best friend is in on this.

  “You are supposed to be on my side.”

  “I am on your side, that's why I think you should at least think things through before you do something you might regret.” I feel like everyone is ganging up on me, my best friend, my aunt, my therapist. Today just went from bad to worse.

  I wish they all just understood the down fall I could have from going back there.

  “I think I need to go home and go to sleep, it's been a long day.”

  “Come on I'll drive you home.” Aubrey gets up to leave and I follow. Aunt Grace grabs my arm as I walk past her. I stop and turn into her arms, we hug for a minute and she whispers in my ear
.

  “You know I love you, and I only want what's best for you. Please think about what I'm saying. I think it would be really good for you to go back there and close that part of your life.”

  I don't say anything I just nod my head and follow Aubrey out the door. We make it back to the apartment and everything's a blur. I have so much to think about.

  The next week fly's by and I don't get any calls or text from Dorian. I feel really guilty but I don't have the courage to deal with any of that right now. I hear my phone go off in the other room and I really don't want to get up to go get it. As I make my way to my room I'm hoping it's not Dorian. I slid my finger across the screen and see it's a message from my aunt.

  Aunt Grace-Check your email, I forwarded you an offer on the ranch. Please don't make any hasty decisions. Think it through, love you.

  I go to my email and open the message that my Aunt Grace sent me. I feel a sense of dread wash over me, but I just brush it off.

  Dear Ms. Brighton

  My name is Sebastian Breck, I buy and sell large pieces of land. It has come to my attention that your land has been vacant for several years now. It is a lovely piece of property with so much potential. If you are interested in selling I would love to discuss this further with you, please contact me anytime. Thank you for your time, I hope to hear from you soon.

  Sincerely,

  S. Breck

  I sit and stare at the email for a while before I hit reply. Mr. Breck and I exchange a few more emails that week, he has convinced me to come to Eureka so we can discuss this more. I was very adamant in the beginning that I wanted nothing to do with going back there. Mr. Breck has explained to me that he wants to do a full walk through of the property and wants the papers signed as soon as possible. If this will help me put the past behind me faster, then so be it. I just hope I can keep it together long enough to get everything done.

  I make our meeting for two weeks out, and plan to head there in the next week. I can already feel the panic attack that is coming from even considering going back there. Maybe I can get in and get out before anyone notices. I make all the arrangements and pack to leave. I hope I'm making the right decision, why does this feel so wrong? I blow it off and go to bed. I have a long week ahead of me, I need all the rest I can get.