Esperance: (New Adult Paranormal Romance) (Heart Lines Series Book 3)

by Heather Hildenbrand

  The tests dragged and I began to suspect they wanted to find something wrong. Question after question about “how are you feeling?” and “what’s your dominant thought today?” One particularly determined nurse even asked me whether I’d had a sexual release since the venom had been removed from my body. I’d smirked and asked her if that was an invitation. She’d left the room without a word and hadn’t been back.

  Edie had yelled at me for that one, and even in the face of her chastising me, I felt no remorse for my behavior. It was a weird thing to admit I was emotionally dead so in the end, I hadn’t said anything. The doc had suggested a counseling session, but there was no way I was doing that.

  Besides, whatever side effect this was, it wasn’t medical. And it sure as hell wasn’t explainable by science. If I wanted answers, I could always go back to Indra. But something inside me recoiled whenever I thought about her. So, I stayed away. Kept to myself. Ran daily, sometimes twice a day if the demons got too loud.

  Sam hadn’t called and I was glad. Pretending with her would be impossible. Staying away probably wasn’t the answer either. RJ kept looking at me funny and asking about her—which was ridiculous since he saw her every day now and we both knew it. He only wanted to remind me what I was doing by ignoring her. But I didn’t need reminding. I already knew exactly what I was guilty of. I was doing the one thing I’d sworn not to. The thing that had made me choose Indra’s magic over hers to begin with. I was hurting Sam.

  In the end, the doctors had finished their exams and found nothing physically wrong with me. I was perfectly healthy. I just couldn’t bring myself to care about it. Or them. Or anything.

  Last night’s run had left my muscles aching so I took a long, hot shower and then went in search of coffee and maybe an ice pack. Hopefully today I’d be cleared for work again. I was going crazy from sitting around.

  RJ was at the kitchen table when I made my way downstairs. Sunlight streamed in through the bay window, setting off a contrast of white light over his plain coffee mug compared to his olive knuckles where he sat gripping the handle.

  I went to the pot and poured a fresh cup, sipping it black.

  RJ didn’t look up.

  We’d been doing this routine for the better part of the past week. He paid less and less attention to me as the days wore on. When we were home together, which was rare, he kept to himself and only spoke to me about household items and relaying messages for Edie since I rarely answered my phone for any of them. Probably better for both of us. In a weird way, though, I kind of missed his chatter.

  I took a sip of coffee and yanked back, cringing as the too-hot liquid burnt my tongue. “Shit!”

  “Hey, it’s hot,” RJ said flatly.

  I shot him a glare but he didn’t turn around to see it.

  Carefully, I made my way to the table and took a seat. RJ glanced up from the file folder he was reading through. A briefing of some sort. When I tried to lean in and read it over his shoulder, he set the papers down and closed the folder.

  “What is that?” I asked.

  “Not for you,” he said.

  “I’m cleared for duty,” I argued.

  “Medically maybe. But your clearance hasn’t been reinstated.”

  I frowned, annoyed at the reminder. “Edie says it’s just a matter of waiting for the paperwork to come through. And I’m going crazy from boredom while I wait. Fill me in. What’s the latest?”

  RJ set his mug down, cupping it in one hand. The other was splayed flat on the table but I sensed tension in the set of his body. He finally met my eyes and his eyes were hard. Wary. “What would you like to know?” he asked quietly.

  There was a warning in the softness of his tone. But I didn’t give a shit.

  Instead, I shrugged. “What have I missed? What can I expect when I get back to work?” I grinned. “How many werewolves do I have to kill to beat your current total?”

  RJ’s eyes narrowed. “Seventeen,” he said.

  “I meant since I was suspended,” I said.

  “So did I.”

  I was surprised enough to shut up. “Seriously?” I asked after a pause.

  RJ didn’t answer.

  “Damn. That’s a lot.” I rubbed my jaw. “Guess I’ll have to work double shifts to catch up.”

  RJ’s eyes finally widened and his expression registered a heated irritation. “Are you for real? That’s really all you care about—beating my kill count?”

  “Yeah,” I said as if that should be obvious, and then at his furious expression, I tilted my head and added, “No?”

  He shook his head hard as if to dispel a bad thought. “What the hell happened to you in that magic shop last week, man?”

  “What do you mean? I was cured,” I said, careful now with my words. This was the exact conversation I’d been avoiding but it looked like I couldn’t escape it any longer.

  “That Indra chic might have removed the venom from you, but whatever she did, it wasn’t a cure. You’re different, dude, and not in a good way. You’re like a whole different person.”

  “I’m still me,” I said, for some reason pretending I didn’t understand what he meant. Which was ridiculous. But I couldn’t help myself. What did he want from me? To sit and talk about our feelings over a cup of joe? Not happening—even if I had feelings I wouldn’t want to sit and chat about them. Not with RJ.

  “You’re not,” he said with a decisive head shake.

  My temper flared at how adamant he was. How certain. “Listen, you’ve known me what? Five minutes? You have no idea who or what I am, not really. So don’t start lecturing me now.”

  “Right. And Edie? She doesn’t know you either?” he challenged, his features tightening. “And Sam? What about her? I guess she doesn’t know you either, huh? We’re all crazy for noticing how much of an ass you’ve been this past week.”

  “Watch yourself,” I said quietly, my jaw clenched tight as I shoved the words out.

  I half-expected him to give it up. To walk away. RJ wasn’t one for confrontation—unless it also involved a feral werewolf. He was more a live-and-let-live kind of guy. But he didn’t move to get up or walk away or end this. His hand, flat on the table, twitched in tension and then closed into a fist.

  It was clear he wanted to have this out. Fine by me. My temper was getting harder and harder to shove back. I could use a good outlet.

  “The report I was reading,” RJ said, nodding at the file on the table between us, “is all about the research being done on the sudden spike in werewolves. An energy field has been detected. A large one. They say it operates with a pull just like a lunar event. The tides are different along the coast here in town. More and more wolves are drawn to it. Took them a while to pinpoint the signature of the energy. You know why?”

  I didn’t answer.

  “Because the energy isn’t stationary. It’s mobile.” His gaze locked with mine and there was a hardness in them I hadn’t known RJ was capable of. “Three guesses what—or who—the energy source is.”

  I swallowed hard, the insides of my skin hot and furious that he was rubbing all this in my face. I knew the name he wanted me to say but I refused. Stubbornly. I didn’t even want to have her name on my lips. It would feel too much like admitting failure. Like admitting I was the ass they all thought I was. “Whatever. Fine, I dropped the ball with Sam. Is that what you want to hear? I’m an ass.”

  “It’s a start,” he said and my temper rose a notch.

  “Look, I needed a break so I took one. A recovery period after almost dying. Sue me.”

  RJ hung his head in clear disappointment and then shook it slowly. “You left her exposed, man. I don’t give a shit if you needed some ‘me’ time. Hell, I would too after all that. Sit up the porch. Get drunk. Or go out and party. Celebrate life. But that’s not what you’re doing and you know it. You walked out on her that night. She’s a damned target for these monsters and you knew it and you just left her there.”

  “You lef
t too,” I pointed out.

  “Only because you had me worried with the way you were behaving. And because I knew Edie was three minutes out. Did you bother to ask that? No. You came home and got drunk. And you still haven’t replaced my bottle of whiskey.”

  I shoved back from the chair, letting it scrape loudly against the tile. “I don’t have to defend myself to you,” I said and stalked to the counter, draining the remnants of my coffee in one gulp.

  I dropped my mug into the sink with a loud thunk as RJ’s chair scraped behind me. “No, you don’t. But you owe her an explanation.”

  I turned to find him standing with feet planted and hands fisted, staring me down aggressively. I closed the distance, my heart thudding in a wildly strange pace. My body actually wanted to throw down. In the back of my mind, I knew RJ was my friend, but he was also stepping to me and that shit would not fly.

  “RJ, back the fuck up,” I said, my voice deadly quiet.

  Suddenly, the cheery sunlight pouring into the kitchen felt wrong. Like it shouldn’t be here inside a room full of darkening tempers.

  But RJ ignored me, unmoving, as he said, “Alex, I mean it. Whatever’s up with you is serious. You need to figure out why you woke up with a Grinch heart. And then you need to ask Sam to help you fix it.”

  I stared him down, my breathing shallow and sharp. My fists ached. RJ needed to move. This hot flash was building into something I couldn’t just cure with a few push-ups or a long-distance run. He was pushing me too far. “Don’t tell me how to live my life.”

  “Don’t screw with my friends and I won’t have to.”

  I took a deep breath, counting to ten in my own mind.

  RJ shook his head and seemed to relax as if he’d decided to let it go. “You don’t deserve her,” he muttered.

  My brows rose. “Let me guess. You do?”

  “That’s not what I …” He laughed but there was no humor in the sound. “I’m not doing this with you. Just go run or brood or kill a werewolf or whatever it is you do now. I’m done.”

  “Good. We understand each other. You stay out of my business and I’ll stay out of yours.”

  RJ whirled, glaring hotly all over again. “You told me you were falling in love with this chick and now she’s none of your business? You’re no better than these evil-eyed dogs we’re hunting down.”

  Without a thought, I swung out and connected, my fist catching him on the temple. He stumbled back and doubled over, staring up at me in shock from near the door.

  It took me a moment to register what I’d done. I didn’t even know what to say. I hadn’t planned on punching him. But I couldn’t take it back now. And I wasn’t going to apologize. Fuck that.

  I planted my feet, waiting and watching to see if he’d come back for more. RJ straightened and I could see the skin around his eye already swelling underneath. “You’re going to regret it,” he said roughly. “All of it.”

  Then he turned on his heel and stormed out.

  I blew out a breath, my shoulders sagging. When the front door slammed shut, I jumped. Every drop of temper and adrenaline emptied out of me and I was left exhausted and confused.

  I had just punched RJ. My friend.

  My only friend at this point. Although, probably not anymore.

  What was wrong with me?

  Everything he’d said had been right. My behavior since Indra’s cure last week, the way I’d been acting toward him and the others. Sam.

  I’d claimed to be falling in love with her and now I was ignoring and avoiding her like a disease. I was leaving her unprotected while RJ lost sleep and worked double shifts just to keep the werewolves at bay.

  What was I doing?

  What was happening to me?

  I didn’t want to lose Sam, but I couldn’t bring myself to take action to salvage whatever we might have left. RJ was right. At the very least, she deserved an explanation. I wish I had one.

  Maybe it was time to see Indra after all. If I was going to walk around punching friends and burning bridges, I needed to know why. I needed answers.

  Chapter Four

  Sam

  The steady beeping of the heart monitor was the only sound in the room. I crept cautiously toward the bed, nervous although I wasn’t sure why. Mason was perfectly still, his pale skin smooth and his eyes closed. He was covered only by a crisp, white sheet that didn’t seem to be enough in the chilly room. My fingers tingled with nerves but I reached for him, glad to feel that his skin was warm to the touch despite the lack of covers.

  I gripped his wrist gently, watching for any sign of awareness, but there was nothing. His eyelids didn’t move. His fingers didn’t twitch against mine. The nurse outside had already warned me he wouldn’t respond, but I’d hoped. The monitor beeped out a steady heartbeat and I was glad for that.

  There was still hope. I wasn’t giving up on him.

  Out in the hall, I could hear Brittany talking on the phone with someone from CHAS, reporting in while simultaneously offering me some privacy. It was a daily ritual now. She brought me here and then discreetly left me alone to “talk” to Mason.

  I felt horrible to learn that Mason’s own father hadn’t bothered to come visit him. Instead, he’d requested daily reports from the head doctor here but he just couldn’t get away to be here himself. Edie had relayed that through RJ and I was still pissed at a man I’d never met for just abandoning his son this way.

  But I never had to worry about my time here interrupted or someone else overhearing what I said. And Mason had become a great sounding board. I just hoped what they said about coma patients wasn’t true—I didn’t really want him waking up and wondering why I’d come to see him every day to talk about another guy.

  I perched on the edge of the bed and sighed, mulling over what to say. It was cathartic, talking to someone who couldn’t answer. Couldn’t judge or question or doubt. But it was lonely. And my heart ached that I might be partially responsible for putting him here.

  More than once, I’d considered trying to use my magic on him, to restore him. But I wouldn’t risk it again. Not with him. Not until I knew for sure that it would work. I still wasn’t sure how to test it or with whom. Kiwi was due home soon and after discussing it on the phone, she’d made me promise to wait for her return before trying anything magical again.

  “I will figure this out, you know,” I said aloud. “And I will heal you. I just need to practice on something. Figure out how to take the bad and not accidentally give you too much of whatever’s inside me. Apparently, my magic is not for public consumption.”

  Mason didn’t respond.

  I sighed.

  “The only hiccup is that you can’t give me permission in your state and I’m not really sure how that works since apparently that’s important.”

  I bit my lip, because his lack of consent did worry me. According to Alex and Sushna and even Indra, my kind of magic only worked with permission. Even with Sushna, I had to invite her magic in before she could touch me. And she was more powerful than anything I’d ever seen. I still wasn’t sure how that was going to work for me. Mason, Alex—even the sick werewolves I was so determined to help—none of them were exactly asking for my help. And none of them would.

  But before I could tackle that obstacle, I had to learn how to actually heal them. I had to learn to control and use what was inside me. To make it do what I knew it could.

  Inevitably when I contemplated healing, I thought of Alex. My heart panged as it always did; a physical pain to go with the heartbreak. I’d never actually had my heart broken before. It was a curious—and torturous—feeling.

  Much worse than when he’d left town a couple of months back. This separation felt much more deliberate, the distance between us much bigger. This time, he’d had no good reason for walking away from me. Nothing altruistic or twistedly noble. He’d gotten his life and his health back. And the instant he had both, he’d turned his back on me. I hadn’t heard a word from his since.


  I couldn’t help but wonder…

  “Maybe that’s all I ever was to him: a cure,” I said and hot tears burned my eyes at the painful words spoken aloud. “I mean, clearly, right? He only ever sought me out because Mirabelle thought I would be the key to his healing. He told me so himself. And then finally, he gets cured and then bails and I never see him again. It’s an asshat move but I think it’s pretty clear…”

  I trailed off, trying to breathe through the tears threatening. Not that I cared if Mason saw me crying. But I’d made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t cry over Alex during the day. Nighttime was different. Alone in my bedroom without anyone to interrupt—or judge—me. But not here, not with Brittany standing outside ready to shoot me another look of pure pity. I didn’t want more of that. I couldn’t handle more of that.

  My phone beeped with a text and I scanned it quickly. Kiwi checking in as she readied for her return trip. I smiled, slightly comforted at the idea of being with family again soon.

  “Yo, heartbreak hotel,” Brittany’s voice from the open doorway drew me. I turned and found her hovering half-in, half-out of the small hospital room, her expression insistent. “We need to go,” she said.

  The alarm in her voice put me on edge immediately. I jumped to my feet. “What’s wrong?”

  “RJ’s here. As a patient.”

  I let go of Mason’s limp hand and let it fall so that it gently rested against his hip, worry shooting through me. “What’s wrong with RJ?” I asked, already hurrying to the door.

  “I don’t know. That’s all he said. Come on,” Brittany said, waving at me to follow.