by Blue Saffire
I stop in my tracks, disgusted with myself. All I can see is his disappointment, as he turned to leave last night. I would be crushed if Liv was rejected like that.
I wipe away the tears that slips from my eyes. Volunteering at mom’s clinic, I’ve seen high functioning clients and their families, come back to thank my mom. They share with her how great their lives are now.
Some have started families; others have their own business. Some of her old clients you wouldn’t even know their diagnosis, until you spend real time with them. I have no reason to believe otherwise about Caleb.
On the contrary, from what I’ve heard, he’s like a God at this school and on the baseball field. I’m the one being a complete jerk. He only wants to go on one date.
If we have nothing in common or if it doesn’t work out, I can walk away. At least then, I can say I was open, that I tried. It’s not like I’m not attracted to him as a man.
I mean the way he kissed me. I could feel my whole body charge with the energy swirling between us. I’m not doubting the fact that there is something going on between us.
However, there is the part of me that feels like I’m taking advantage. I mean, look at Caleb. He is gorgeous. That face, that body. I can’t help but think that he wouldn’t be interested in me if his world wasn’t fuzzy or mixed up, or whatever is going on in his particular head.
Mom has taught me that every individual is different. What if what makes Caleb different, is what has him so interested in me. Damn it, I just don’t know.
I’m so lost in my own thoughts; I don’t realize that my feet have carried me to the baseball field. I step over to the bleachers, as my eyes land on one of the most awe inspiring visions I’ve ever seen. Caleb is standing on the mound in his tight uniform pants and a cutoff t-shirt.
I knew he was muscled, but to see his tanned arms exposed as his muscles ripple and play underneath his skin, brings my fantasies back with a vengeance. I could watch his tight ass all day. His big body looks so fluid. I can see every cut in his long arms, every bulging muscle in his thighs, but that isn’t it.
The focus in his face takes me back to the first time Liv sat at a piano and started to play from memory. It’s breathtaking. He looks as if he is in his own world as he is singularly focused on catching and returning the baseball.
I blink and think of my niece. That serene look that is only there when the music is flowing from her hands. As if being transported to a place, where the world looks perfect and everything makes sense.
That’s the look I see on Caleb’s face, as I watch him on the field. I would have given anything to see that look on his face last night. The confidence that would have reassured me that a goodnight kiss was okay.
“Hey, if you’re going to stare at my brother like that, you better be here to agree to that date,” Cameron calls, as he walks over to me with that cocky smile.
“Hi, Cameron,” I laugh and start to fidget, as I imagine how gross I look this morning.
“What did you do to my brother last night?” I flush and drop my head. I feel so ashamed. I wouldn’t blame Cameron if he has Dakota kick my ass. “He wouldn’t shut up about you, although, I can’t blame him.”
I sigh in relief. I thought this was going a whole other way. “I think your brother is sweet,” I say with a smile.
“Sweet on you, yeah,” Cameron smiles. He nods towards the field. “I haven’t seen him this focused in a long time. Whatever you did, don’t stop. I think you’re good for him.”
I start to chew on my lip and my thoughts from my run rush me. What would one date hurt? I look out at Caleb and lick my lips, as I track a bead of sweat down his bicep.
“He told me you figured him out,” Cameron says closer to my ear than I expect. I hadn’t noticed him come closer. “I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I don’t want him hurt. If you can’t handle him, don’t go there. He has never tried to date before, but he wants to with you. Don’t hurt him.”
“I…I don’t know what I want,” I say honestly.
“Yeah…you do. I see it in your eyes. Caleb isn’t in this by himself, just make up your mind before he figures out how to read your face and knows the truth for himself. When he sees, what I see in your eyes, he will become relentless. Right now, he’s unsure, but when he can read you, he’s coming for you,” Cameron finishes with a sly smile.
I’m speechless. I look up at him, not knowing what to say. Cameron leans in again, this time with his voice lower.
“My brother is autistic, not stupid and he’s definitely a man. You’re a beautiful woman, Nicole. When Caleb wants something, he becomes as focus as the man you see out on that field. Trust me, after last night, he is focused on reading you and your feelings for him.”
With that, Cameron turns and jogs out to the field. He whispers something to Caleb on the mound, that has him whipping his head in my direction. The smile that appeared on his face startles me. It isn’t the innocent one I’ve come to know, but a more confident and sure one, much more like his brother’s.
~B~
Caleb
“Look who’s watching you,” Cameron whispers in my ear.
I had assumed it’s a scout, but it’s even better. When I see Nicole standing there, in tight running pants and a tank top, I can’t help the smile that consumes my face. Even from this distance she looks amazing.
I wanted to rush off the field and scoop her into my arms. I spent most of the night analyze every part of my time with her. From the kiss at the party, to the moment I turned to walk away from her at her dorm. When I processed it all, while lying in bed, I had been confused on a few things.
Now I’m starting to see things differently. She’s here and she’s watching me. Suddenly, the look in her eyes takes on new meaning. Cameron may be right about my chances.
I had a little talk with my brother this morning. I have more confidence that I can make Nicole mine. Seeing her standing here now, I know I can make her mine.
I also know I need to talk to her. I need to say what I couldn’t say last night. I think about the way she didn’t run from me, but kissed me. I have hope in my heart that she will accept me as me.
“Hey Perry, get your head out the clouds,” Assistant Coach Robinson snarls.
I would love to hit him with a ball one day. I shake off the thought and push thoughts of Nicole to the side, just for now.
chapter Eight
First Date
“What are you smiling about,” Taylor asks me while throwing a piece of bread at me.
“Nothing,” I shrug and place my phone back on the table.
Caleb has been text messaging me since this morning. He has asked me if I made up my mind about the date at least a million times. Cameron’s words have been playing on loop in my mind.
While I think the right thing to do is go out with Caleb and give him a fair shot, I don’t want to hurt him. A date would just get his hopes up. Then what?
What if things don’t go well? I don’t know if that will hurt him. Cameron is right, I do want to see where things go with Caleb. Despite everything, I’ve never felt the way I feel with him with anyone else, and we’ve barely spent any time together at all. My phone buzzes again.
Caleb: I’m an amazing cook. I could cook for you. We could watch a movie. Romantic comedy, I would love to watch your eyes sparkle while you laugh.
These are the types of messages I’ve been getting all day. I smile at the text and bite my lip. I don’t think I will be able to hold out much longer. How can I? I text him back quickly.
Me: Is Cameron telling you to say all this?
His reply comes back just as quickly.
Caleb: No. He actually told me to leave you alone, but I can’t. Can we have dinner tonight?
Me: Sorry, already had plans for dinner. Out now.
Caleb: With a guy?
Me: No, not with a guy. Stop being so jealous.
Caleb: I can’t help it. You’re gorgeous.
Me: OM
G. Caleb, I’ll call you later.
A few minutes go by without a reply. I figure he is just waiting for my call, so I put down the phone and look up. Taylor has a mischievous smile on her face. I can tell this isn’t going to be good.
“Okay, spill, rumor has it you were sucking face with Caleb at the party and don’t lie to me. My source is golden,” Taylor says practically bouncing in her seat.
“Ugh, yes, we kissed, but it’s complicated,” I groan.
“What could be complicated about being the lucky girl that Caleb freaking Perry finally sucks face with? Do you have any idea how many girls hate you right now? I being on the list,” Taylor says with a mock scowl.
I throw my head back and laugh. “Oh, stop, aren’t you into that guy…what’s his name,” I try changing the subject to her.
“Ugh, Freddie, I’m so over that one. Now back to Caleb. That’s him isn’t it. You’ve been rude texting since we sat down and with the biggest smile on your face,” Taylor says with a pretty pout.
“Yes, it’s him,” I say as another text comes in. I had planned not to reply, but as I sneak a glance and see his text, I snatch up my phone.
Caleb: Are you mad at me?
Me: No. I just don’t want to be rude to my friend. I will call when I get back to my dorm.
Caleb: Okay. I want to see you. Can we go for coffee after your dinner?
I stare at my phone chewing my lip again. I want to see him too, but once again Cameron’s voice rings in my ear. I slump in my chair not knowing what to do.
“What is it? What just happened,” Taylor says with concern.
“He wants to meet up tonight, for coffee,” I wince.
“Why aren’t you texting, hell freaking yeah! It’s just coffee. Okay, just coffee with the hottest guy on campus. Wait, the hottest single guy on campus because if Cameron ever breaks up with Kay I’m so on that,” she wiggles her brows at me.
“You, Taylor, are a mess,” I laugh.
“And you love me. Now text that hottie, that we will be done here in a half and you will meet him in forty-five,” Taylor commands. Before I can obey my phone buzzes again.
Caleb: Sorry Nicole, I’ll back off. You can call me later if you want.
Me: I want to see you too. Meet you at the coffee house on my side of campus in forty. Is that okay?
Caleb: Yes, I’ll be there.
~B~
Caleb
“Maybe she changed her mind,” I grumble to Dakota, as I look at my watch.
Nicole is only two minutes late, but I am already freaking out. I wanted to come alone, but Cameron and Dakota insisted she come along. In case someone approaches you before Nicole gets there, was their logic. They had a point, so I made Dakota promise to disappear the moment Nicole arrives.
“Nope, there she is,” Dakota smiles at me.
I look toward the door and sure enough, there’s Nicole. She looks so beautiful. Her hair is cupping her heart shaped chin, framing her brown face, highlighting how gorgeous she is.
She is wearing a tight pair of black jeans and a figure hugging yellow leather jacket. On her feet, she has on black heeled boots. I love her in heels. Last night, had been the first time I saw her in them. I could certainly get used to the look.
I stand nervously, as she makes her way to me. I’m so nervous, I pay little mind to the fact that Dakota has gotten up and made herself vanish as promised. Nicole stops right in front of me, looking up into my eyes with a smile.
“Hey,” she breathes, before lifting on her toes and pecking me on the cheek.
“Hey,” I murmur back, pulling her into a hug before returning her kiss with one on her cheek. “You look amazing.”
“You don’t look bad yourself,” she replies, as she steps back out of my arms.
Removing her jacket, she reveals a tight yellow t-shirt, before taking a seat. I sit back in my seat and search her face. She’s smiling up at me and it makes me feel warm inside.
I wonder what she’s thinking about me. Has she figured me out? Will what I’m about to say ruin us? Us, can there even be an us?
“What are you thinking about, Caleb,” she asks, as she reaches across the table and wraps my hand in hers.
A split second later she releases my hand, snatching hers back. I reach for her small hands and entwine my fingers in hers. I run my thumbs over her smooth skin.
“I told you, I like it when you touch me. I do have some sensory issues, but for some reason, I don’t have them with you. I knew you were different that day I almost ran you down. When I pulled you close, I felt something,” I stop talking when I feel my cheeks heat.
“Is it just touch,” she asks softly.
“No, but I’ve learned a lot of coping mechanisms. Sounds used to be overbearing. I used to hate certain fabrics or clothes in general,” I shrug, but I keep my eyes on our entwined hands.
“My aunt and Uncle, Dakota’s parents, helped a lot when I was younger. Cameron and his best friend, Thomas, had their unique ways of helping,” I laugh. “And that helped me outgrow some of my habits and self-stimulation. My sensory issues are still there, their just not as loud as they used to be. Now, I just mostly have issues with social queues and at times processing.
“It’s just like…I always have things going on in my head, everything that you can block out without effort. Sometime, I can’t and it makes processing things different for me. Or causes me to just shut down.
“I may miss something because I’m working with more information than everyone else. At least, that’s the best I can explain it,” I shrug again.
“So, you’re on the spectrum, just high functioning?” She asks in a whisper.
I think I just fell in love with her. I don’t feel like she’s embarrassed by me. I know what that feels and looks like. Nicole looks like she’s just trying to understand me, like I am trying to understand her.
I nod. “My doctors call me an anomaly. While there was a time that I fit neatly on the spectrum, under Asperger’s, I now defy a lot of my initial diagnosis.”
Nicole nods her head, then tilts it. I think I understand this one. She does it when she understands something or is looking to connect her thoughts. I smile at her and she smiles back.
“What,” she asks with her pretty smile.
“You do that,” I point to her tilted head. “A lot. I think you do it when you’re seeing something clearly, like you’re connecting thoughts.”
“Wow,” Nicole laughs.
I look down at our joined hands. “My parents… they never really wanted to accept my diagnosis. So, dad would drill into me to focus and to learn people. It was overwhelming at first. I spent a lot of time in trouble.
“Then, Cameron realized that I loved movies, so he would sit with me and help me read people in the movies. Eventually, I started to translate it to real life. I still struggle with humor a bit, but since I’ve been here and on the team, I have gotten better, I think,” I look up into her eyes. She’s watching me once again, with her head tilted.
“What do you want from me, Caleb? Help me understand us,” Nicole says before biting her lip.
“I want you. I want you to be mine. I want what Cameron has, but I want it with you. I-I …,” I shake my head, when the words won’t come out right.
“I’ve been taught to hide for as long as I can remember. Then one day, I run into this beautiful girl and I felt like maybe it was time to stop hiding. At least, from this one girl, I thought that she could be my safe place.
“The one I trust. The one I could someday love and cherish like Cameron does Kay. Even when she drives him crazy.”
“But why me?” Nicole asks. I can see the moisture in her eyes. I press my lips trying to understand if I’ve hurt her somehow. “Caleb, I just need to know why me? I…you make me feel …I don’t know. I’ve never felt this before and everything you’ve just said. I think every girl would love to hear that, but why me?”
I relax and try to think of the best way to explain. �
��You light me up for the inside, just when you’re in the same room. When I look at you, the pieces fall into place. The world is quieter; your touch makes all other touches feel less offensive.
“Most of all, when I look at you, I feel like a man. I’ve been coddled all my life by one person or another, but with you. I feel like finally someone sees me.”
“Really, because there are girls all over this campus that would love to jump your manly bones,” Nicole says with a laugh.
“But you’re the only one I want inside of,” I counter.
Nicole’s mouth gapes open and her cheeks turn a deep purple. “Caleb,” she gasps.
I drop my eyes back to our hands. “I messed up again, didn’t I?” I murmur.
She reaches across the table and lifts my chin with her fingertips. “When have you messed up before?”
“When I kissed you last night,” I answer.
“I don’t believe you have messed up yet. You’re honest. When you want something, you go after it. When you feel something, you say it. I think I like that,” she says and then I’m stunned.
When she stands, and leans over the table, crushing her lips to mine, I think I’m dreaming. I cup her face to hold her to me and kiss her back. It’s a kiss full of passion, but not half as long as I would like. She pulls away quickly and sits back in her seat.
“Maybe we should order something before they throw us out,” she says with a smirk.
“We could go to my place. We have coffee there,” I offer.
Nicole laughs and shakes her head. “If that came from anyone else, I would think you were trying to get me to your place for more than coffee.”
I study her face and process her words for a moment and I laugh too. “That’s not a bad idea. Nicole, will you go on a date with me?” I ask for the millionth time today, this time in person.
“I thought we were already on a date,” she says with a smile.
I nod. “I want to take you out again. I want to show you; I can do this. I can be your man.”
Nicole’s eyes light up. “Okay, Caleb. Show me what you got.”
chapter Nine
Just Being Us
