by Blue Saffire
“Babe, be careful, your shoulder,” I whimper, moan.
“I’m fine,” he grunts, placing a hand to my belly and tossing a leg over the side of the bed for leverage. “I want this pussy so bad. You’re going to come for me, Baby. Nice and hard.”
“Yes,” I cry out, forgetting myself.
“You want this? You like it like this? I want to give it to just like you like, Baby,” Caleb growls reaching between my legs for my clit.
“Oh, my God, Cal,” I gasp. “Just like that.”
“I love you,” he groans. “So much.”
Caleb lifts my leg and tucks it into his side, as he continues to take over. He growls as he starts to hit my spot, and I begin keening. I gush around him, as I feel his hot seed burst into me, but he doesn’t stop.
Caleb plows through both of our orgasms, as if they never happened. He’s so hard, his grip on my thigh is so tight. I think I’m going to lose it, as he alternates between slow, deep, long strokes and fast, short strokes.
“Cal, I’m coming,” I holler.
His cheeks are red for execration. They puff out and his head falls back. So, beautiful, always so beautiful, Caleb makes a gorgeous sight in the throes of passion.
“I feel you, Baby. Stop holding back. I want it, give it to me,” Caleb demands.
I let go, not able to hold back if I tried. “Caleb,” I scream my release.
“Nicole, damn, Baby,” he grunts through clinched teeth.
I sit up to support some of his weight, when his body goes to collapse. Caleb wraps his uninjured arm around me and pulls me into his side, turning onto his back. I wrap my leg around his thigh and snuggle into him.
“Caleb,” I whisper, after a while.
“Yes,” he answers.
“I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I’m always here for you. Don’t forget that. I’ve never run from you. I never will,” I promise.
Caleb doesn’t reply. He kisses the top of my head and runs his fingers up and down my back. We lay like that until we hear our loud children return.
I’m disappointed to see Caleb withdraw into himself, once again. At this point, I don’t know what to do. I’ll just give him time.
chapter twenty-SIX
Too Much
Caleb
I’m a shitty father. I can’t even handle my son’s crying. Mrs. Joy has suggested that I start to find a safe place in the house. Somewhere I can regroup, when I’m overwhelmed.
I’m broken inside. I can’t figure out how to filter out all the noise anymore. Losing baseball, has lost me my control. I don’t know what to do.
Little Caleb is fourteen months old now. He fusses about everything. I know that’s what babies do, but I don’t remember the girls fussing so much. Then again, I wasn’t around much when they were his age.
I just needed to get away. When Mama called saying my Daddy asked for me, I jumped at the chance to get out of the house. I don’t think Nicole was happy about that, but she doesn’t say much. Not after that one afternoon.
I miss making love to my wife, but I don’t feel like I deserve her. Nicole does everything for our family, and she works from home. Let her tell it, she writes from time to time and is a freelance photographer.
In addition to taking amazing photos for travel and bridal guides, for her father’s publishing company, Nicole is a best-selling author. Her murder mysteries are amazing. I devour each one. If my wife decided she didn’t want me anymore, she would be more than able to take care of herself and our children, without my help. Not that I would ever let that happen.
I hate that money is the only thing I have to give to my family. They’ll never want for stability, but I lack everything else. Mama’s right, it was selfish of me to marry Nicole and start a family.
“You can fix this, Cal,” Mama coaches once again.
“How?” I grumble.
“You know how. She’s a pretty young woman. She’s young enough to find a suitable husband,” Mama suggests.
A suitable husband, those words sting more than she knows. The thought of another man touching Nicole sends my blood on fire. All of the noise in my head gets loud at the suggestion.
However, the words ring true in the back of my head. Way in the back, where the small voice is telling me I should provide better for my family. Even if that better is not with me.
“I don’t know,” I murmur.
“Yes, you do,” Mama encourages. “I have the number to your Daddy’s attorney. We can have him draw up the papers. It’s the right thing to do, Honey.”
I press my lips and squint, my head hurts. Maybe my Mama’s right. I feel like I don’t know my wife anymore. It’s not her fault. It’s mine. I shut her out and now I don’t trust myself or my judgement.
“I flinched away from Morgan, yesterday,” I whisper. “I’ve never had a problem with my girls touching me. Their touch used to help calm me. Just like their Mama. My head is so messed up, right now.”
“Exactly,” I look up from my hands when my Mama’s words sound off to me. There’s a tight expression on her face for a moment, or at least I thought I saw it there. She smiles.
She holds out a hand towards me, but drops it at the last minute. I look away. Mama’s expression just reminds me of the look on Morgan’s face, when I moved away from her.
“Listen, Cal, you have to do what’s best for them. You know little Caleb is still young. What if he is diagnosed? Nicole will need someone that can help her.”
“My son is fine,” I bite out.
“Yes, he just may be. We didn’t see it with you for almost two years,” Mama says softly. “Two years from now, your family can have someone that will give them what they need.”
I drop my head in my hand. “Okay,” I say brokenly. “Do it. I’ll move my things out. Just make sure they give her half of everything.”
“What?”
“You heard me. I want her to have half of everything. No, the house is hers, the cars I bought her are hers, and she keeps the bank accounts I put in her name. Everything else, they can split in half,” I instruct.
“You’re doing the right thing,” Mama says with a smile.
“So why do I feel like I’m breaking in two,” I say hoarsely.
~B~
Nicole
I got a text from Caleb yesterday saying he was staying over his parents’ house for the night. He had gone over to see his dad. At first, I didn’t think anything of it.
Caleb has been having a hard time with the kids and being home with them on a regular basis. I know it’s been a big adjustment. So, I just chalked it up to him needing a little time to himself.
My mother suggested we make a room for him to decompress when he needs to. She even mailed him some ear plugs, since he has the hardest time when Caleb Jr. is crying and the girls are being noisy.
Those helped some, but now I know Caleb’s problem runs deeper than our children making noise. He doesn’t want us. Or it may be me.
I thought I was being punked, when I was served with divorce papers this morning. I haven’t stopped crying all day. I just don’t understand.
What makes me so angry, is that he won’t even try to explain what the hell is going on. This isn’t like Caleb. He won’t answer my calls. He just texted me to let me know he’s okay and won’t be home once again.
I pull up the app on my phone to see if Caleb’s still hiding out at his parents’ house. Once I confirm it, I get dressed and pull my hair into a ponytail. When I look in the mirror, at my jeans and rumpled t-shirt, I bite my lip. I run a hand over my messy ponytail.
I haven’t worn my bob in years. I look hard at myself. I can’t help but wonder if maybe I let myself go. Caleb hasn’t touched me since that one afternoon. Most days, I’m in sweats and an oversized, baby stained t-shirts.
“I see what’s running through your brain, like it’s on a ticker tape. This has nothing to do with the way you look,” My sister calls into the room.
“Then what is
it,” I say angrily.
I know she’s not the one to blame. She has been here for months, just trying to help out. Well, and hide out. My sister has her own relationship problems.
I see her shrug her shoulders through the mirror. “I don’t know,” Stevie says. “It’s clear he’s been having a hard time. If you ask me. His mother has been playing a part in all of this.”
“But why,” I sob. “Why would she work to pull him from his family? Do you know how much my girls adore him? Caleb Jr. goes crazy just trying to get to him whenever he hears his father’s voice. Why would she do this?”
“I have no idea. That woman has issues. I think she’s jealous of you and the kids. Caleb didn’t used to have a problem embracing you all and focusing on showing you all how much he cares. I think that has made that bitch bitter,” my sister muses.
“Oh, my God. She has ruined my family for a hug? I can’t bring myself to believe that,” I shake my head as tears fall. “Caleb knows I love him. What is he thinking.”
My sister walks into my room, wrapping her arms around me. “Think about Liv. She’s eighteen now. She has her first boyfriend. That boy loves her to the moon and back, but you and I have seen that some days she doesn’t get that.”
“That’s different. Tate has been her friend since they were little. They’re best friends. She’s adjusting to what they’ve become. Caleb and I have been together for ten years.
“He pursued me. He made me fall in love with him. How does he just expect me to stop now?” I cry.
“Sweetie, I don’t think he’s thinking about that. I think he’s hurt that the one thing he had control over was taken from him. I think he’s trying to figure out his new role, just like Liv.
“I also think if you give him sometime, he’ll figure out this isn’t what he wants. I’ve seen the way Caleb looks at you. I saw it when I first met him and it has only gotten more intense. That man loves the mess out of you,” My sister, says as she wipes at my tears.
“Then why is he divorcing me,” I sniffle.
“He’s lost, Cole. When that man looks up and his Nicole is gone, he’s going to lose his mind and be right on your doorstep,” she smiles.
“So, what are you saying,” I whisper.
“I’m saying, running to his Mama’s house isn’t going to do you any good. She has probably talked him into hiding there so she can block you,” Stevie winks at me. “Trust me. Absence makes the heart grow fonder.”
I nod my head. “Is that why you’ve been here for three months,” I say with a watery smirk.
My sister rolls her eyes. “Maybe, but that’s none of your business.”
chapter Twenty-Seven
Letting Go
Nicole
I believe my sister was right. They say when you love someone, you let them go and they will come back if it’s was meant to be. I have three little children I have to think of. We can’t keep going like this.
I love Caleb with everything I am. That’s why I’m letting him go. If he wants a divorce, then, I’ll let him have it.
I hope he sees the damage before it’s too late. I don’t want anyone else but Caleb, but I won’t force anyone to want me. I’m tired. I can’t keep fighting for us by myself.
It’s been a month since I was served with those damn divorce papers. I’ve waited. Day after day, I’ve sat and waited for Caleb to come and explain.
He hasn’t shown up, so it’s time for me to go. I don’t have the support system I need here in Texas, so I’m going home. I want to be with my family.
“Do you have to go,” Dakota says quietly.
I’m grateful to have her around when she isn’t busy, but she has a family of her own. In New York, I’ll have my Mom and Dad, as well as my sisters and brothers. The kids will have plenty of family to love on them.
Honestly, this move is for me. I can’t be in the same state as Caleb and not be in his arms. I ache for my husband so much. Not just an ache in my body, but my heart and soul.
At some point, I lost myself in Caleb. I know I watched myself do it. I never had a chance to stop it. However, now, I’m taking my power back.
No man, not even Caleb should be allowed to destroy me like this. I won’t let my little girls grow up to thinking this is okay. I went from being hurt to plan angry somewhere along the line.
“I want to know why he didn’t fight. We promised each other and he didn’t fight for me,” I whisper.
“You have to understand that Aunt Jemma has been feeding him a bunch of bullshit. She won’t let any of us near him, because we’ll talk some sense into him,” Dakota huffs.
I bite back tears and ball my fist. It wouldn’t be right for me to go beat my mother-in-law down. I hold my tongue.
“She’s taking advantage of Cameron being away. He’ll be back soon. Can’t you just wait for him to come and fix this,” Dakota pleads.
“Caleb’s the one that needs to fix this,” I shake my head. “I can’t do this to my girls. They ask for him every day. I-I don’t know what to tell them.”
Dakota nods her understanding. “You know, he’s always wanted to fall in love and be normal. I just don’t think he realizes that he got his wish.”
“Dakota, he hurt me so much, but I still love him more than I can say in words. I-I just, I think it’s all too much. Maybe we never should have married, or I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant.
“I don’t regret my children, but I think Caleb reached his ceiling. I couldn’t love him through this,” I say, with my heart crumbling in my chest.
I tape another box shut. The movers will be here in the morning. Stevie and I will be flying out with the children in the afternoon.
“This isn’t over. I can’t let it be,” Dakota’s voice shakes as she chokes back tears of her own.
“None of this is up to us. It’s on Caleb. I can’t make him love me,” I shrug. “Dakota, can we talk about something else?”
Dakota clamps her mouth shut, swallowing whatever she was about to say. I’m grateful for her understanding that the subject is now closed. My heart can’t take much more.
A few more hours pass, Stevie returns from the park with the kids. She had taken them, so Dakota and I could get some packing done in peace. Those little monsters kept pulling things from boxes earlier.
Dakota says her goodbyes when Hamilton starts to ring her phone off the hook. I almost breakdown when she hugs me so tight, I can’t breathe. I’ll miss her and her two little ones.
Once she’s gone, I walk the house and check for things I may have missed. I stumble on one of Caleb’s gloves in the den. I lift it from the floor and hold it to my chest. I swipe at a tear and put the glove on my hand.
Of course, my tiny hand gets swallowed up. I smile when I see my name written in the palm. This is his old college mitten. I remember writing my name there. He’d had asked me to.
I run a hand under my nose, making a quick decision. This is my last attempt. I pull out my phone and text Caleb. This is on him now.
We’re a team, right? We can do anything together.
~B~
Caleb
I stare at the text message on my phone. I wanted to answer it yesterday, but I don’t know what to say. I run a hand through my hair. I needed a break from my Mama, so I drove out to my old high school.
This place held some of my greatest moments and some of my worse. I was so frustrated as a teenager. My seizures started in high school. This place stressed me the fuck out, but I had baseball.
Baseball helped people forget about all the weird shit going on with me. Hell, baseball made me forget to be different. I don’t think I would’ve made it through without it.
I look across the baseball field, then back down at the ball in my hand. I want so much to rewind time. I would take back so much.
I’d start with, not always second guessing myself off the field. I think I could’ve relaxed more as a teenager if I didn’t question everything I did or said. As I sit here, I realize I st
opped doing that when I met Nicole.
I worked my way through it all with her. Even when my Daddy had his stroke. I thought I was going to fall apart then. When I started to question my role and what I should do, Nicole was there to see me through it.
For ten years, that woman has been by my side. I’ve loved her when I was unsure of everything and I know she loved me back. Nicole has been my voice of reason. She has never tried to change me. Only loving me for me.
I snort and blow out a breath. My Mama is already on my ass about me cutting my hair and trimming my beard. I don’t want to think about any of that small stuff. I miss my family.
“Caleb Perry,” a gravelly voice calls out. “Well, now Son, I thought that was you. Time sure does fly. I remember the first day you and your brother stepped onto my field. I swear neither of you were in high school, as big as you were.”
I look up to find an older, withered version of my high school baseball coach. The same Stetson and cowboy boots. The same dark blue eyes and thick mustache.
Time does fly. I remember him being one of those that took time with me. Coach had helped me rein it all in and focused my talent.
“Hey Coach,” I give a slight grin. I’ve nothing but fond memories of him.
“Now, that’s the smile I remember,” Coach nods. He ambles closer and takes a seat. “What’s got you sitting here, looking like you lost your best friend, Kid? Don’t tell me it’s all this mess over that shoulder, you had an amazing career, Son. I was surprised to see you pitch as long as you did.”
“I did lose my best friend. I’m getting a divorce,” I mutter.
Coach Mc Rye whistles low. “I’ve seen that beautiful family of yours on the TV. You just had a boy, not too long ago, am I right?”
I smirk, as I think of my son. Right about now, his cries would be music to my ears. I miss his chubby little toffee colored face. I miss burying my nose in his hair, while he falls asleep on my chest.
“I recon a career ending injury will knock the stars out of those young lady’s eyes. They just don’t make them like they did in my day,” Coach sighs.
