by Blue Saffire
My jaw ticks. My situation isn’t because Nicole was after my money or my fame. To Nicole, I’ve always been Caleb first. I just happened to play baseball.
“My wife has been by my side through everything. She loves me whether I’m playing baseball or not,” My own words slam into my chest.
The truth stings me to my core. Nicole doesn’t deserve what I’m doing to us. None of my family does. I just don’t know what else to do.
“Forgive this old man, but I’m not understanding. You say she’s your best friend and she’s stuck with you through it all, so why the divorce?”
Swiping the screen, I look down at the text on my phone again, and tighten my grip on the baseball in my other hand. I have no idea why I’m getting a divorce. Mama wore me down. It seemed like the right thing to do then.
“I don’t know,” I breathe out. “I really don’t know.”
“You were always a smart kid. A jittery big fella, when we started out together. When I asked after you with the staff and started to watch you more closely, I figured it out,” Coach turns to look at me.
I feel like he’s looking for something again. Just like when I was younger. He’s always had a watchful eye when it comes to me. As if he could see pass everything, the noise, the consistent buzzing on my skin, and all the uncertainty.
“Your special, Perry, and I’m not talking about what you got going on in your head. I mean, you’re a special person. I admire your determination. You never took no for an answer. You figured out how to make things work for you.
“You had a lot of support in your brother. I watched your aunt and uncle step in as well. Nice folks, I wish that knucklehead Andy would stop giving them such a hard time,” he shakes his head and pushes his Stetson back, showing a shock of grey hair running through the front now.
“Folks like that should be able to enjoy life, with all they do for the community. Anyway, you had your family, but you still had this independence about you. It looked to outsiders like they were shielding you.
“But I think you were just working in the shadows on greatness. I’ll never forget how you explained pitching to me from your view. The inner workings of your mind,” Coach shakes his head. “Your phenomenal, young man.
“From what I’m observing, you don’t want this divorce. I suggest you do like you did when you were a boy. Look at this thing from its natural science.
“Study the matter, find its motion, it’s behavior, look at the space and time you’ve been through. You and that little lady had your own energy, a force that kept you together. Find how the two of you behave in this Universe and create the perfect pitch, Son,” Coach catches my eyes and holds them.
“Did I get it right?” Coach asks with a smirk on his lips.
I blink at him. I remember when he asked me how I saw pitching. What I was thinking up on that mound? I had giving him similar words, just in reference to baseball.
The pieces start to fall into place. I apply physics to my marriage, to my relationship with Nicole and it all starts to make sense again. There’s an explosion in me, when I grasp it all.
Nicole and I are just natural science. I don’t exist without her, she doesn’t exist without me. We’re what matters to each other.
Nicole and I revolve around each other. We set life in motion for everything we want around us. For ten years, we created our own time, moved through our own space.
She is my energy and I’m her force. Our children are just more matter that makes us stronger. I love each one of them.
Fuck, I need my family. I won’t breathe without them. I’ve thrown a curve ball and almost ended the entire game.
“God, I hope I’m not too late,” I gasp.
“Me too, Son. Me too,” he says and tips his Stetson at me. “I don’t think you’re done being great, Caleb. Not by far.”
She makes me great. If I have Nicole, I can do anything. I’m great when I have her love.
chapter Twenty-Eight
She’s Gone
Caleb
“You look like shit,” Cameron grumbles from his seat at the kitchen nook.
“Thank you,” I mutter. “When did you get here?”
“After, I got a call, while in DR, only to hear that my little brother let his wife leave him,” Cameron snorts. “You know she left, don’t you?”
I make a sour face as the taste of bile rises in my mouth. “I went home to find my house empty and my family gone. Yeah, I know my wife left,” I reply.
“What the fuck, Cal,” Cameron growls.
“You left camp?” I ask.
“I’m here, aren’t I? You know for the smarter one out of the two of us, I wonder about the shit you do,” Cameron shakes his head.
“What do you want from me, Cam. I know I fucked up,” I roar.
“We want you to fix it,” I turn at the sound of Dakota’s voice. She’s in the entry way of the kitchen with her arms folded across her chest.
“I’m tired,” I grumble and sit heavily in a chair across from Cameron.
“I bet you are. You’ve been having seizures haven’t you,” Cameron accuses.
“Yeah,” I furrow my brows. “I think so. I’m not sleeping much.”
“Why put yourself through this,” Dakota asks, crossing the room and sitting beside me.
“Where’s Mama?”
“Don’t avoid my question,” Dakota snaps.
“I think this shit snapped Daddy out of his zombie state. He’s the one that called me. Haven’t heard the old man sound so strong in a long time,” Cameron looks away and pauses for a few minutes.
We all took my father’s stroke hard, and the state he’s been in since, even harder. Daddy usually doesn’t say much. His left side was weakened, causing his speech to be unclear for a while.
“Your Daddy is just like you. His biggest problem is his pride, not his physical injuries,” Dakota huffs, folding her arms over her chest. “He’s pretending to be worse off than he is because of crazy ass Aunt Jemma. Your Mama can drive anyone to drink.”
“Daddy got her to go with him to therapy, so I could come talk to you. Why haven’t you been answering anyone’s calls,” Cameron snaps.
It’s my turn to look away. I’ve been avoiding everyone calls because I don’t think I can handle anyone else in my ear right now. Between Mama and my own thoughts, I have too much going on already.
As I think about dinner last night, Daddy had joined us and he watched me the entire time. I hadn’t thought anything about it. I thought he was just having one of his moments.
To now know he called Cameron, has a million and one questions running through my head. Daddy has always been an unusual man. At times, I wondered what my parents see in each other, they’re like night and day.
“So, Daddy’s been faking,” I turn back to Dakota and Cameron to ask.
Cameron shrugs. “I think so, to an extent,” Dakota replies. “It’s no secret Uncle Kyle has wanted a divorce for years. There’s just some clause in their prenup. If he leaves, she can clean him out.”
Cameron actually chuckles and shakes his head. “He’s gotten her to stop talking to him for a year with this shit. He’s on to something.”
“That’s crazy,” I knit my brows.
“No, what’s crazy is that you’re getting a divorce,” Dakota bites out. “This ain’t right, Perry.”
“As much as I love Mama, she ain’t always right. I lost so much time with my sons listening to her. She doesn’t always know what’s best for us, as much as she wishes she does.
“You see how hard I’ve had to work for my family. At first, I let Mama put all types of stuff in my head. I know how manipulating she can be,” Cameron frowns.
“You can’t let whatever she’s been feeding you, ruin what you and Nicole have,” Dakota pleads.
“What am I supposed to do?” I huff, tearing a hand through my hair.
“You have to show her you’re sorry, saying it isn’t going to be good enough. There’s this g
roup, it’s a support group. A friend of Hamilton’s runs it. She’s a therapist. It’s for men going through loss, those dealing with the decision to get a divorce or those who have the potential to fix their marriage before making that final step to end things.
“You know, Hamilton and I had a little rough patch. She helped him get his shit together. I think it would be good for you, Cal. At this point, if you want Nicole back, you have to do something.
“You need to fix what’s going on in your head, so that whatever has gotten you to this point, won’t tear you two apart again. Then you need to go after your wife and stop this stupid divorce,” Dakota demands.
“That sound just about right to me,” my father’s voice fills the room.
We all turn to see him making his way into the room. Our Mama at his side, looking shocked and confused. I look my father over and he looks the most healthy and alert I’ve seen in three years. The paralysis on the left side is still noticeable, but he looks more like his old self today.
“I’ve let the foolishness in this family go on long enough. I liked that young lady from the first-time Caleb brought her home. She’s good for him,” Daddy starts, he eases down onto one of the bar stools at the island and turns his eyes on our Mama.
“Kyle, what’s —,” Mama tries, but Daddy sends are a sharp look.
“You’ve been jealous of that little thing from the moment you met her. She broke through to Caleb in ways none of us could. You just couldn’t accept that,” Daddy pulls a face and shakes his head.
“I know a hug from our son is like gold around here. Seeing him give that away so freely to Nicole stung my heart at first too, but I wanted my son’s happiness, more than I envied a simple gesture that doesn’t define his love.
“Caleb doesn’t hug. He has a hard time being touched, but he has, in his way, always let us all know how he feels. You’re dead wrong, Jemma, for trying to ruin the one relationship that has been easy for him.
Daddy’s words are a bit sluggish, but there hitting their mark. The room has fallen completely silent. You could hear a pin drop, in between Daddy’s words.
“Those grandchildren have enough going in their lives, without you and your hair brain schemes. I’m too old for this shit. If anyone is getting a divorce, it’s the two of us. You stress me out. What good is my money if you kill me?” Daddy shakes his head.
Mama finally closes her mouth that’s been hanging open. She gets in a huff and starts to speak, but Daddy holds up his hand. He shakes his head again.
“We’ve been nothing, but selfish. I’ve had a lot of time to think on that. We could have done better by our boys. I’m putting my foot down here.
“Caleb, go to this group. See if they can help you sort out facts from your Mama’s BS. I wish I had the strength to speak up sooner,” Daddy turns a sharp eye on my Mama.
“You’ve wasted years missing out on having a relationship with Nicole and our grandchildren. Fix it, or I’ll have my lawyers prevent you from seeing a single dime in a divorce. Trust me, Darlin’. I’ve got a file thick enough to make it happen,” Daddy says, with as much authority as he can muster.
He turns back to me, looking drained and tired. He gives me a small smile and a wink. I sit stunned, still letting it all sink in.
“Come on, Daddy. Let’s get you in bed,” Cameron says, as he stands to go help our father.
“Woman has lost her mind,” Daddy mutters, while Cam helps him from the room. He chuckles. “Shocked the spit out of her, didn’t I.”
My heart swells to hear the rumble of my father’s laughter. It’s clear that all just took a lot out of him, but he looks better for it. I look down into my lap. If my father has pulled on strength unknown for me and my family, then so can I.
“He’s right,” Mama whispers. “I am jealous of her. She’s given you three perfect, beautiful little ones. You show them all affection I’ve been dying for. What I’ve done is wrong.”
“You’re damn right it is!” Dakota slaps the table. “My Mama is so pissed at you, she could spit. You had no right, Aunt Jemma. If he can’t get his family back, I don’t think I will ever forgive you.”
“I won’t forgive myself,” Mama says in a whisper. “I’ll do anything I can to help fix this.”
I stand and walk over to my Mama. I pull her into my arms and hug her tight. “I love you,” I whisper.
She clings to me and breaks down in my arms. I stand and hug her for a long as I can. Thoughts of getting my family back cancel out the buzzing in my skin. It’s just a low hum, as I allow my Mama to cling to me for the affection she has been craving all my life.
“Thank you, Caleb. Thank you so much. Now, let’s go get our family back,” Mama says shakily.
“If they’ll have me,” I whisper.
chapter Twenty-Nine
Why I’m Here
Present
Back in group session….
Caleb
I come back to the present and look around the group. Dakota was right. I may have figured out that Nicole and I belonged together, but I still had a lot of shit going on in my head I needed to sort out, before I find my way back to Nicole.
“It doesn’t matter that I’ve fathered two beautiful little girls and a son. It doesn’t matter that I’ve had a nine-year professional career. I’m losing my wife,” I choke out. “I’m failing at the most important thing to me.”
“May, I,” the Native American guy asks.
“Sure, Hanson,” Dr. Winsor says.
“It sounds like you just need to find your way back. You love your wife and she loves you,” he shrugs. “Remember that love. Remind her of that love. You sound as if you have given up, but I think you still have a family waiting for you.
“Your differences don’t define you. You have done great things with your life. Why allow your challenges to guide you now? Be the man she married, not the man you’ve become.”
“I’ll have to agree,” Dr. Winsor says. “You sound like you’re just as much in love with your wife now as you were when you first fell for her.”
“I love her more,” I nod.
“Then go get her,” the large blonde with the blue eyes says.
Trevor, that’s his name. I stop to wonder why he still comes here. He sorted out his shit first out of all of the group. Our stories are miles apart, but after watching him find his peace, I feel complied to listen to what he has to say.
“Is it that easy,” I blink.
“Yes,” Tommy whispers. He was the second of our bunch to start to get his life back on track. “It is, don’t waste another minute. Life’s too short. Remind her that you love her. Go get your woman.”
Dr. Winsor smiles. “I know how hard it must have been for you to start today. Your wife is right about you, you’re an amazing man, Caleb. I think if you put your mind to it, you can get your family back.”
“I hope so,” I mutter to my hands.
“So, the question is, why are you here, Caleb? What have you learned about yourself and your decisions?”
I sit and let her words sink in. I’m here because I want my wife back. I want to be with my children.
“I want my life back,” I say aloud. “I learned, I do have something to offer my wife. No one makes Nicole smile like me. I would know. I’ve watched her closely enough.
“She has a special smile for me and it’s brighter than any other one she has. I fucked up. What I did was wrong, selfish, and not what a team player should do. I want my team back. I need Nicole back.”
Dr. Winsor nods. “I want you to think about some things Nicole would like. Things you would do given a chance. As you all know, a part of this program is for me to talk with your significant others.
“I have been talking with Nicole via the telephone. I think you are ready to join us during one of those calls,” Dr. Winsor says.
“No, Ma’am,” I shake my head. “Thank you, but I’m ready to go get my wife. I’ve wasted enough time.”
She tilts h
er head at me, then smiles. “Well, I’m here if you two need me.”
“Thank you,” I nod.
~B~
Nicole
I’m disappointed that Dr. Winsor asked to reschedule our call today. I had some more things I want to get off my chest. Again, I’m grateful that she makes allowances for these calls.
She mentioned a while back that at some point, she would like to bring Caleb and I together on the calls. However, only after Caleb opens up. It’s been a month, since the warm sounding woman called me to inform me that Caleb had enrolled in her program.
I was shocked, but hopeful at first. Now, I don’t know what to think. We have two sessions a week and she hasn’t mentioned Caleb’s progress or us coming together for a joint session yet.
I’m afraid he may have shut down on her, like he did me. That wouldn’t surprise me. What has surprised me, are the phone calls from my humble sounding mother-in-law.
I don’t know what’s going on in Texas, but something has gotten into both Caleb and his mother. Caleb has sought out help and his mother has extended an olive branch of sorts. She even asks to speak to the kids.
The girls are excited. Apparently, both Jemma and Kyle want to spend time with them. I was wary in the beginning, but my mom talked me into giving Jemma a chance.
I’ll be honest, though. It was hearing Kyle’s voice over the phone that melted my heart. He sounds so good these days. I want the girls and Caleb Jr. to know the sweet man I grew to love.
“We’re getting on a plane again, Grandma,” Monica sings, at the breakfast table.
“Yes, sweetie, I know,” my mother beams.
“I’m excited. I hope we see Daddy,” Morgan chirps.
My heart squeezes in my chest. I don’t know if they will see Caleb. Jemma never mentions him and we didn’t talk about whether or not he would be around for the girls visit this coming week.
“I miss Daddy,” Monica says, her little smile falling off her face.
“Me too,” Morgan nods and starts to push her food around on her plate.
I have a lump in my throat the size of a golf ball. I don’t know what I am with Caleb anymore, angry and hurt aren’t the right words. I’ve gotten over those. I’m settled somewhere between frustrated and missing him just like the girls.
