by M. J. Perry
“Shit!” I exclaimed.
Alex jolted and pulled out of me gently to sit beside me. “What’s the matter?” He asked in alarm. “Did I hurt you?”
“No, no, you didn't hurt me,” I assured him. “We didn’t use protection.”
I watched him bristle, his big body tensing. “I’m clean.”
“So am I, but I’m not on the pill.”
“Why not?”
There was no way I was going to telling him I came off it when we broke up because I knew there would be no one else. “It made me ill.”
He seemed to relax. “From now on we will be careful. Whatever the consequences are we’ll deal with them together.”
I smiled glad he was being so easy about it. It was soon wiped off my face.
“Don’t think you can use it to change our deal though because that won’t happen.” He added with scorn.
And there was my crash bang back to reality, the reminder of why I was here in the first place. Funny how something that should have impacted my decision to make love with him could be forgotten so easily. I got off the bed dragging the sheet with me and wrapping it around my body sarong style.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“According to you we only use the bed for sex so I’m going to find a bed in another room to sleep.” I sounded brave despite my shaking hands, and I quickly fisted them around the sheet not wanting him to see the weakness.
He looked furious which made no sense. He made the rules. How I could have been so stupid to think one mad make-out session would help him see he’s wrong about me especially when I was too easy. I said I wouldn’t have sex with him and I gave in on the first night. What does that say about me? And not using a condom, what the hell was wrong with me. I’m a vessel for him to use for his revenge nothing more, and now I’d given him more reasons to think badly of me.
“If that’s what you want.”
What I want? I want to stay; I want to have you love me again. But of course I didn’t tell him that.
“Make sure you’re here at five pm tomorrow.”
“Fine,” I snapped before I walked out of his bedroom and into the spare room next door. Still wearing the sheet I closed the door and climbed into bed. My tears fell quietly, but no less painfully. I was crying for him, for me, for what could have been but more than anything I was crying for the tiny baby we might have made tonight.
Callie
The sunlight streaming through the open curtains woke me from my fitful sleep. I didn’t feel like I’d slept more than an hour. My head throbbed from the tears I’d cried and when I moved my legs to roll over a sudden twinge reminded me of what had happened last night. How could I have been so bloody stupid? I shook my head as I climbed out of bed and walked to the en-suite still wearing the sheet I’d taken from Alex’s bed, his scent still clung to it and it hurt. Remembering how he’d been last night, how he’d held me so tightly and how it felt like I was back where I belonged filled me with shame especially when he’d turned on me so easily. Was I really so naïve that I thought if I gave myself to him he’d forget everything and we’d go back to normal? I guess it was inevitable that we’d make love and whether he loved me or hated me, our chemistry was strong and so was his will. What he wants he gets and last night he proved it.
I turned the shower on and my reflection caught my eye. Despite crying until the early hours of this morning I didn’t look too bad. My cheeks were still flushed and my lips puffy from his mouth. I closed my eyes against the images that kept popping up in my mind; I didn’t want to remember the details right now even if my body was tingling all over just from the memory of his kiss. Stepping into the shower I let the hot water beat down on my body relaxing my tense muscles; I looked around the shower stall on the off chance there was shower gel to use and surprisingly I saw my brand of shampoo, conditioner and body wash. It couldn't be a coincidence could it? Alex must have remembered and stocked up for me. He’d told me we wouldn’t be sleeping in the same bed, but last night I’d got the impression he’d wanted me to stay with him, maybe he’d wanted more sex but what if that wasn’t the reason, what if he just wanted to hold me? Was I stupid for thinking like this? Yes I expect I was but my heart wanted to believe it and life was dull without hope.
When I walked back into the bedroom, my eyes glanced at the bed where there were clothes laid out for me. My insides went liquid. For Alex to do this for me surely he cared? Or was he worried what people would think if I did the walk of shame in my dress from last night and got photographed? If he wanted to hurt me, wouldn’t it be the perfect revenge, my humiliation? I picked the jeans up and gasped; they were mine, the top as well. He’d kept the clothes I’d left behind, but I didn’t understand why. Why hadn’t he thrown them out? Or burned them? Should I ask him? I didn’t think I was brave enough.
I noticed my handbag on the dressing table and relief rushed through me. I didn’t even remember where I’d dropped it last night. Getting myself dressed I was careful not to look too closely at my body; the glimpse in the shower had shocked me. I had red marks all over my hips, my stomach and my thighs. Marks of passion from Alex. He hadn’t been gentle, neither had I; it had been too long since I’d touched him like that.
The red top he’d picked out had a built-in bra for which I was grateful because I hate the thought of people seeing if I was cold. Did he remember this too? I picked up the jeans wishing I knew where my knickers were, and underneath there was a clean pair. The red lacy French knickers I’d left behind because Alex loved the colour red, and I didn’t want the reminder. It seemed like he wanted me to remember.
My hair was still wet, and I squeezed the ends to get rid of the excess water, taking a quick peek in the mirror, I grabbed my handbag before heading to the door. It was gone eight and Alex should be at the office now which pleased me. I wasn’t ready to see him yet.
Violet his housekeeper was in the kitchen when I walked in looking for coffee. She hurried towards me with a smile on her face. “Alex told me your news; I’m so happy for you. He’s been a bear since you left him.”
So he hasn’t told her the full story. That surprised me because no one can usually keep anything from Violet. She pulled me in for a quick hug.
“Thanks, we’re happy too,” I told her trying not to choke on my lie.
“He’s left his driver Arnold to take you home and then Arnold will pick you up at half four to bring you back here.”
“Ok. I’ll just grab a cup of coffee, and I’ll get out of your hair.”
“I’ll get it for you, Callie. You sit down.” She ordered as she hurried off. I took a seat at the breakfast bar.
“You should eat.” She told me as she placed my cup in front of me.
I shook my head; I couldn’t stomach food right now. “It’s too early for me.”
“You never did eat enough. Alex used to worry you would waste away.”
Her words shocked me, yet another thing I didn’t know. “I’m really not hungry Violet, honest.”
She sighed. “Ok, but tonight you will make up for it.”
“Deal,” I grinned knowing she’ll make enough food for ten men just to make sure I do eat. I down my coffee and take the cup to the sink to rinse it out.
“I’ll do that. You get off out of my hair. I have a menu to plan.”
“Thanks Violet.”
“My pleasure. Anything for the woman who has Alex smiling again,” She grinned.
He’s only smiling because he’s getting his revenge I said in my mind. “See you later.”
****
I was quiet on the way home, so lost in thought I didn’t even notice the car come to a stop and it was only when Arnold opened the car door for me that I even realised I was home.
“Thank you,” I said politely as I climbed out of the car.
“You’re welcome.”
I nodded and walked straight into my house shutting and locking the door behind me. Picking up my post from the floor my
eye caught the blinking light on my answer phone telling me I had a message. I pressed the button as I placed my handbag down.
“Callie, I’m just checking in to see how you are. I saw the papers this morning and I think it’s safe to say that the whole world knows about you and Alex. I hope you know what you’re doing. Call me when you get home you dirty stop out. Bye.”
There was a smile in his voice and guilt hit me because he’d swallowed my lies. I picked up the phone to call him but I couldn’t make myself dial his number. I didn’t want to lie to him anymore than I had, and I didn’t have the strength to project a happy attitude when I was so jumbled up inside. The announcement in the papers was Alex’s way of making things normal, but it’s made me more nervous. The world now knows we’re together so they’ll know when he discards me from his life again. I couldn’t bear the thought of having everyone know my business it made me feel sick.
My fingers were itching to sketch, to paint, anything to take my mind off things. A quick glance at the clock and see I have loads of time until Arnold is due back to pick me up. I stick the kettle on and pull a pad out of a drawer in the kitchen. Turning it to a blank page I start to sketch. Half an hour later I realise I’ve drawn Alex. Except he has sharp teeth and pointy ears, just like the wolf version of him I see in my dreams. It was so different to his usual dark brown hair and blue eyes that hide so much. They used to make me feel like I was drowning in them when he showed me his love; it was an accurate description of what I had to deal with now though. I slung my pad down and headed to my bedroom to pack some things. It’s obvious I’ll be staying at Alex’s house again so I may as well pack myself some clothes, at least it’ll help me feel more comfortable and somehow make me feel more in control. An illusion I know because Alex had all the control.
****
My doorbell rang at half four on the dot just like I knew it would. For the last hour I’d been pacing up and down torn between excitement and anxiousness. The excitement and the butterflies in my tummy pissed me off. What was wrong with me? I picked up my overnight bag and my handbag and headed to the door. Arnold took my bag and followed me to the waiting car. I slid into the open door surprised when I saw Alex sat there talking on his phone. He raised a finger in acknowledgement and then ignored me. I took my phone out of my bag and typed a quick text to Jon letting him know I was ok. It was cowardly but hopefully he’ll think I’m so busy with Alex that I haven't time to do anything else. My eyes drifted over Alex and I sighed quietly. I hated this situation, but mostly I hated myself for still being attracted to him when he’s so indifferent to my feelings. The thought of our wedding has me near to hyperventilating. I’ve always known how I wanted my wedding day to be, I’ve always imagined my dress would be white with a long train and I’d wear a veil. I’d walk down the aisle with a bouquet of pink roses in my hand, towards the man I loved and he’d be staring at me with his love shining brightly. Maybe he would be in such a rush to make me his that he’d walk towards me and pull me faster up the aisle.
Instead, I’ll be marrying a man who despised me and was using me for a business deal and because he wants my body. Pain assaulted me and I bit my lip to keep myself from whimpering. Something must have shown on my face because I heard Alex say a quick goodbye to whoever he was speaking to on the phone and then he sat beside me holding my hand.
“Are you ok?” The concern in his voice was such a contradiction to his words and actions last night that it made my head throb more.
“I’m fine.”
“You don’t look fine. Do you need something?”
“Maybe some painkillers when we get to your house.”
I’d nearly said home, a slip of the tongue because even though I’d lived there with him it sure didn’t feel like home now, more like a prison.
“If you don’t feel well, you should take a nap.”
“It’s just a headache.”
“I remember your headaches; they sometimes used to put you out for hours.”
“I’ll be ok; I just need to take some tablets.”
He didn’t look convinced but after giving me the once over he shrugged and let go of my hand. I fought the urge to wipe it on my jeans to rub the tingle away. I watched him pick his phone up and heard the beeps as he rang whoever he’d been talking to before. Should I be pleased he’d been so concerned, or upset that he could so easily dismiss me? I closed my eyes and leaned my head against the seat.
When we arrived at his house, he helped me out of the car and with his hand at the small of my back he guided me inside the open front door. I found myself swept up in a hug by an ecstatic looking Violet.
“I’ve cooked a celebration meal for you both, I’m so glad you’ve set a date.” She babbled.
My eyes flew to Alex in shock. He’d set the date and hadn’t even bothered to tell me.
“I wanted it to be a surprise.” He said when he saw my face.
“Well, it is that.” I responded.
With my head down, we walked side by side to the dining room. He pulled my chair out, and I sat down heavily. The table was so full it surprised me that it hadn’t collapsed under the weight of all the food. Alex’s hand brushed over my hair in a soft caress before he moved away. The tender gesture had my eyes burning with tears. I had myself under control when he took his seat opposite me, and I forced a smile. His lips tightened before a blank mask descended over his face.
“Champagne?” Violet asked as she bustled into the room.
“Please.” I said as I held my glass out for her. My head was pounding hard, and I knew it was a bad idea to drink, but I needed the courage.
“Violet can you please bring some tablets in for Callie she has a headache which the champagne won’t help with.”
“You should have said Callie.” She scolded. She took my glass and poured a small amount into it then filled Alex’s glass. “I’ll be right back.”
“Thank you.”
She patted my cheek and left the room.
Alex touched his glass to mine gently. “To us.”
I didn’t speak, and I was aware that he was staring at me as I took a sip. My cheeks heated under his scrutiny.
“We get married tomorrow.”
My hand gripped the glass tighter. “I’m sure I didn’t hear you right, can you repeat that please?” I asked in a choked voice.
“We are getting married tomorrow.” His tone was empty.
“Why so fast?”
“Why does it matter how soon it is when it’s going to happen, anyway? This way we can part ways quicker.”
I hated that he couldn’t wait to get rid of me. “That leaves me no time to sort anything out. I need to tell Jon.”
“Everything has been taken care of and I’ve told Jon that we can’t wait any longer to be husband and wife.”
“And he believed you?” I asked in disbelief.
“He did after we had a little chat. When I left he was under the illusion that you and I are madly in love and we will marry with or without him there.”
“He’s still going to walk me down the aisle isn’t he?” I asked in panic.
“Of course he is.”
I let out the breath I was holding. “Where are we getting married?”
“In the church of your dreams. They had a cancellation so at two tomorrow we say our vows.”
I frowned. “My dream church?”
“The church your parents got married at.”
“Why would you do that?” I ask him stunned. I thought we would have a quick service in a registry office.
“A romantic wedding in your dream destination, what better way to convince the world we’re in love?”
My heart sank. Well, I had my dream wedding venue and my dream man just in the wrong circumstances. I’d hoped he’d wanted to do something nice for me, but in reality he’s just using my dreams to manipulate people and trampling all over my feelings. It served me right for thinking things could change.
Violet came in then wi
th tablets and a glass of water and I gratefully took them before handing her back the glass. She didn’t seem to notice the tension in the room and I was glad. Let her keep believing we’re a happy couple; someone should have that. Alex waited until she left to speak.
“Jon will be here at ten in the morning to help you get ready. I have everything you need, the dress, shoes, flowers, everything. All you need to do is get dressed and let Arnold drive you and Jon to the church on time. Ok?”
“Yes, fine.” What else could I say?
“Good. Now shall we enjoy all this lovely food so we don’t upset Violet then we can have a celebration of our own.”
He meant sex. There was no way I felt strong enough to let him touch me; if he did, I was afraid I’d break apart. I already felt like I’d been ripped in half and put together wrong. Hearing what he said, listening to him tell me he’s using my dream like it meant nothing, like my feelings meant nothing, I’ve never felt so devastated. If he touched me I’d burst out crying.
“It’s bad luck to see each other the morning before the wedding.”
“It’s a good job we aren’t worried about that.” He mocked.
“I’m not having sex with you tonight.” I blurted.
He slid his eyes over my face. I worried he could see through me to the turmoil I was feeling inside, but I couldn’t tear my eyes away from him. For the first time since we’d reunited I watched as his face grew soft.
He sighed. “You can have tonight, I’ll sleep in the guest room and you can have our bed.”
“Your bed.” I corrected.
“No Callie, it’s always been our bed. Now eat up.”
In shock I took the salad bowl he held out for me and spooned some onto my plate. His eyes are on me and my hands shook as I passed him back the bowl and picked up my knife and fork. I couldn’t read his face so I didn’t know what he was thinking but for a second I could have sworn I’d seen a flicker of regret.
