Alanna

by Tamora Pierce

“Why didn’t you tell Duke Gareth this when you first arrived?” the King demanded. “Why didn’t your father tell us?”

  She scuffed her foot along the floor. “My mother died having Thom and me. She had the Gift too. Father was angry—he thought their magics should’ve saved her. So he said he wouldn’t ever use his Gift again, and we weren’t to use ours. We weren’t even to be taught how to use it; but Maude, the village healer, taught us in secret” She hung her head. “As to the other, I want to be a knight Using my Gift doesn’t seem fair, somehow. It’s as if I’m fighting dirty.” Roald nodded, understanding. “But Maude said I should use my Gift for healing. She said I had the power to heal more than most people. She said if I didn’t heal, I wouldn’t make up for the killing I did as a knight. I didn’t listen to her.” Alanna’s voice was soft. “I disobeyed her, and one of my friends died.”

  The King put his hand on her shoulder. “You did what you thought was right, Alan. We can’t all see the future, and we can’t know what will be asked of us.” He rubbed his forehead. “I should have listened to Roger,” he said, more to himself than to the Queen or to Alanna. “If he were here now, teaching you boys—” He drew a deep breath and looked at Alanna once more. “Jonathan has the Gift. He gets it from me—from the Conté line.

  “If—when he gets well, I shall see to it you lads are properly trained. I have ignored this part of our heritage, too. Like your father, I thought our magic would vanish if I ignored it.” The King shook his head. “A knight must develop all his abilities, to the fullest. And evil is often armed with sorcery.”

  Alanna thought she knew what the King meant. If she had been more thoroughly trained, she wouldn’t feel so helpless now. If the fever was magical, she was going into the fight badly prepared.

  Lianne was fanning herself. “It’s so hot in here,” she complained.

  “We’re trying to sweat the fever out, Majesty,” Alanna explained. “It’s best to try all the natural cures first.”

  The King patted the Queen’s hand. “Remember what Duke Baird said. We can trust Myles and Alan. We must trust them.”

  Lianne went to the sleeping Jonathan, taking his hand. Her eyes were bright with tears. “He’s all we have, Alan. I can’t—I am unable to bear any more children.” She smiled bravely at the King. “If my lord trusts you, then so do I.”

  “Mother?” Jonathan’s voice was no more than a whisper. “Father?”

  Alanna hid in the dressing room. It was not long before Roald called her back. “He is asleep. Will you call us if—” The King could not say it. Impulsively Alanna reached out and patted his arm.

  “We’ll let you know right away if anything changes, sire,” she promised.

  Myles stepped quietly into the room, bowing to his king and queen. “He’ll be all right,” the knight told Lianne. “He has all our prayers.”

  “Except for those of the one who sent this fever,” replied the Queen.

  The King and Myles exchanged a look. The Queen was right Who was Jonathan’s enemy?

  Gently the King took his lady’s arm. “Come, my dear,” he said softly. “We must leave.”

  Coram and Timon came back as Jonathan’s parents left. Alanna rolled up her sleeves. “Let’s get this fire built up again,” she said grimly.

  It was a long night Jonathan’s coughing finally stopped. Alanna listened to his chest, smiling when she could hear him breathing easily. But the fever continued, drying Jon’s lips till they cracked and bled. He fought Alanna and Myles, dreaming, living through ugly nightmares. His voice was worn down to nothing, and it shook Alanna to see him scream without making a sound.

  Myles grabbed her shoulders. “Alan, this can’t continue! Your Gift! Use it!”

  “I’ve been using it!” she cried. “And I haven’t the training—”

  “Go inside yourself, then! Can’t you see he’s dying?”

  Alanna looked at the fire. It roared hungrily in the hearth, waiting for her. She rubbed her eyes. Already she was tired from the little spells and charms she had used during the day.

  She picked up the last packet of herbs. It contained vervain. She had known all along it would come to this. She opened it dully, staring at the brittle leaves inside.

  “Coram. Timon.” Her voice sounded dead. “You’d better leave.”

  Coram stepped forward. “Lad—” he began worriedly. He looked at her face and sighed. “Let’s go, Timon,” he said. “We don’t want to be here when they start foolin’ with serious magic.” They left, and Myles bolted the door.

  Alanna threw the vervain onto the fire. She had no business trying magic like this. She was no sorcerer, and sorcerers far older and stronger than she had failed to master the forces she now sought to call upon.

  A moan from the bed reminded her of why she was there. Kneeling before the flames, she whispered the words Maude told her would call the Greater Powers—the gods. Slowly, very slowly, because she was tired, the flames turned violet She reached both hands into the purple fire.

  Her essence, the stuff that made her Alanna, streamed out through her palms. She was dissolving into the fire; she was the fire. Then she uttered the spell Maude told her to use only when nothing else was left.

  “Dark Goddess, Great Mother, show me the way. Open the gates to me. Guide me, Mother of mountains and mares—”

  The fire roared up with a sound like a thunderclap. Alanna’s body jerked, but she couldn’t move away from the hearth. The fire filled her eyes. She saw countless gates and doors opening in front of her. Suddenly—there it was: the city, the city carved in black, glassy stone, the one she had seen in Maude’s fireplace. The sun beat down on her. She was very warm. The city called to her, its beautiful towers and shining streets singing in her brain.

  The city vanished. Now raw energy rammed through Alanna’s arms, into her body. She choked back a gasp as her flesh turned into purple fire contained only by her skin. She glowed; she shimmered; she burned with raw magic. It hurt. Every part of her screamed for cold and dark to put out the fire. She couldn’t hold it She would burst like a rotten fruit.

  A voice spoke, and Alanna screamed. That voice was never meant for human ears. “Call him back,” it chimed. “I am here. Call him back.”

  Tears ran down her cheeks. The voice and the pain were killing her. The fire was eating her alive, like a tiger.

  Something inside her rebelled. She clenched her fists and fought the pain. She ground her teeth together. She would ride this tiger. Her body had never given the orders before—she could not let it start now. Am I a silly child? she thought angrily. Or am I a warrior?

  She fought back, shoving the pain away until she had it under control. Now she ruled the power she had pulled from the flames. She rode the tiger. She was a warrior!

  Alanna walked to the bed. Myles got out of her way. He had watched, helpless, when Alan screamed as he turned a bright, sparkling amethyst. The color had dimmed, but Alan continued to shine with a pale purple fire. Myles sensed that if he touched Alan now, he would be burned to death.

  Alanna stood beside the bed, looking down at Jonathan. He seemed so far away, so far from her. “He has traveled a long way,” the terrible voice said. “Take his hands. Call him back.”

  A small part of Alanna realized that the voice was female. “Thank you,” she whispered.

  She took Jonathan’s hands carefully. Her mind reached into his unseeing eyes.

  “Jonathan,” Alanna called. “It’s time to come home. Jon.”

  Myles stared. He did not hear a boy-child calling the Prince. He heard a woman’s voice, speaking from eternities away. Awed by a power he could not understand, the knight moved even farther away from the bed.

  Alanna fell into the blue depths of her friend’s eyes. She was twisting in a black, writhing well. The alien place pulsed around her, enclosing her like a living thing. Shrieks and cackling and the screams of doomed souls sounded all around her. She was on the edge, between the world of the living and the Underw
orld. She drifted between Life and Death.

  “Jon,” she called steadily, feeling the power in her shoving the ugliness back. “Jon.” At last she could see him. He was far below her, near the bottom of the well, near Death. A huge, dark shadow shaped like a hooded man came between them. Even in her strange state Alanna was afraid. This must be the Dark God, the Master of all death.

  It was crazy to argue with a god, but he was between her and her friend. “Excuse me,” she said politely. “But you can’t have him. Not yet. He’s going to come back with me.”

  The shadowy hands reached for her. Alanna stood still, her mind sending up a shield of purple fire. “You can’t have him,” she said more firmly.

  The shadow hands passed through her shield and held her by the shoulders. Alanna felt as if unseen eyes were looking her over. The great dark head nodded—and the shadow was gone. The Dark God had vanished.

  Alanna reached out to Jonathan. Their hands clasped. “Come back,” she told her friend. “This place isn’t for us. Come home.”

  Jonathan smiled. “I’m coming.” His voice was that of the man he would be one day, deep and even, calm and commanding. Did he hear a woman when she spoke? Did he think it was her? “I’m with you, my friend. Time to leave.”

  Their gripped hands glowed white-hot, melting the shadows around them. Their combined Gifts burned away the walls of that unreal place. At the end of the well, drawing nearer and nearer, was the room they had left so long before. Slowly the violet fire ebbed from Alanna’s body. By the time they were in Jon’s bedchamber, her skin was filled with nothing but Alanna—much to her relief.

  “Thank you,” the man in him said. He released her hand. She was Alan the page, sitting on the bed beside Prince Jonathan. His eyes were clear. He sighed and closed them. “It’s good to be back,” he whispered, and slept.

  Swaying, Alanna stood. Myles finally dared to come close to her. He had watched the two boys burn with a steadily brighter purple light. He had heard a man’s voice and a woman’s voice coming from Jonathan and Alan. It was something he could never forget.

  “Alan?”

  She turned. “He’s all right,” she murmured, stumbling. “He’ll sleep—” Her bones ached. Her head throbbed, and she could barely stand. “Myles?” she gasped, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

  five

  The Second Year

  Because she slept for three days, Alanna avoided most of the questions about her part in Jonathan’s cure. When asked about it later, she gave all the credit to Sir Myles. Whenever the knight tried to discuss what had happened that night, Alanna always changed the subject. She knew Myles watched her, but she said nothing, knowing it would only bring the whole discussion up again.

  Prince Jonathan also watched her. Yet he never spoke of that night. The less said about the whole thing, the happier Alanna felt. She wondered sometimes if Jonathan even remembered the place between Life and Death. It was possible that he didn’t—and he never brought the subject up.

  The chilly winter turned at last into spring. Alanna unpacked her light clothing once again. She dressed one morning in a fever of excitement. It was the day the pages were to go on the long-promised trip to Port Caynn, and Alanna was barely able to hold still. Suddenly she froze before her long mirror. Watching the glass closely, she bounced up and down.

  Her chest moved. It wasn’t much, but she had definitely jiggled. Over the winter her breasts had gotten larger.

  “Coram!” she yelled, her eyes stinging with tears of fury.

  The man stumbled into her chamber, bleary-eyed. “What is it now?” he said with a yawn.

  Alanna stepped behind her dressing screen, tearing off her shirt. “Get to the healers, quick, and find some bandage for me—yards of it. Make any excuse you like, but get it!”

  The puzzled Coram returned within minutes and shoved a bundle of white linen over the top of the screen. Alanna grabbed it and wrapped it tight around her chest.

  “Ye’re turnin’ into a woman, aren’t ye?” he asked from the other side of the screen.

  “No!” she exclaimed.

  “Lass, it’s hardly somethin’ ye c’n change. Ye’re born with it—”

  Alanna stepped from behind the screen. Her eyes were red and swollen. If she had been crying, Coram knew better than to mention it. “Maybe I was born that way, but I don’t have to put up with it!”

  He looked at her with alarm. “Lass, ye’ve got to accept who ye are,” he protested. “Ye can be a woman and still be a warrior.”

  “I hate it!” she yelled, losing her temper. “People will think I’m soft and silly!”

  “Ye’re hardly soft,” he replied sharply. “And th’ only time ye’re silly is when we talk like this.”

  Alanna took deep breaths. “I’m going to finish what I set out to do,” she informed him quietly.

  He put a hand on her shoulder. “Alanna, child, ye’ll be happy only when ye learn t’ live with who ye are.” She had no answer for this, but he didn’t expect one. “I’ll pick up more bandagin’ when I go down t’ the city today,” he said. “Get along now. Ye’ll be late, else.”

  It wasn’t easy to live with the binding on her chest. For one thing, her growing breasts hurt, though luckily they remained quite small. She was twice as careful now about how far she opened her shirt, and that summer the boys tried their best to get her to take it off entirely. The best time for this was when they went swimming. All summer Alanna refused to go into the water, no matter what persuasion was used. Persuasion always stopped short of trying to physically force her—no one had forgotten Ralon of Malven.

  One day near the beginning of August Raoul tried his luck. “C’mon, Alan,” he teased. “One small dip. Or are you afraid you’ll wash off a protective coat of dirt?”

  Alanna had had enough. She jumped up, her face beet red. “I hate swimming!” she yelled. “And I’m cool enough—so lay off!”

  Someone giggled. Raoul was head and shoulders taller than the page who was glaring at him so fiercely.

  “Alan, he’s only teasing,” Alex called.

  “I’m tired of being teased!” she snapped. “All summer long I put up with this. Why can’t I do what I want without being pestered all the time?”

  Raoul shrugged. Unlike Alanna, Raoul had no temper to speak of. Nothing seemed to make him angry. “Well, if you’re going to be touchy, I won’t bother you anymore.”

  “Fine!” She glared at the other boys. “And unless I stink, I don’t want to hear about it ever again!”

  There was a heavy silence. At last Jonathan said, “Come back in the water, Raoul. You can’t argue with Alan—he’s crazy.”

  Shaking slightly, Alanna returned to her shady tree. She felt more than a little ashamed of herself and wished—not for the first time—that she could keep a rein on her temper.

  The boys left her alone for the rest of the afternoon. As they rode home, Alanna trotted Chubby ahead so she could catch up with Raoul.

  “Raoul?” she asked softly. “A word with you?”

  They dropped to the back of the column. “Are you going to yell at me again?” Raoul asked frankly.

  Alanna blushed and looked at her saddle. “No. I wanted to apologize. I shouldn’t have lost my temper.”

  Raoul grinned. “I was teasing you,” he admitted. “Sure, you got mad. You’ve a right to do as you want.”

  She looked at him with shock. “I do?”

  Raoul frowned. “I hadn’t meant to say anything, but since I have the chance—Alan, you seem to think we won’t like you unless you do things just like everyone else. Have you ever thought we might like you because you’re different?”

  Alanna stared at him. Was he teasing her again?

  Raoul smiled. “We’re your friends, Alan. Stop thinking we’re going to jump on you for the least little thing.”

  “Hey, Raoul,” someone called from up front. “Will you settle this bet?”

  Nodding to Alanna, the big squire urged
his horse to the front of the column.

  “Did you patch that up?” Gary asked. Alanna turned. The other large squire was just behind her.

  “Don’t you know it’s rude to eavesdrop?” she asked crossly.

  He grinned. “How would I learn anything if I didn’t eavesdrop? Listen—I’m tired of all the arguments. I’ll make sure no one asks you to swim again.”

  Alanna hung her head. “I don’t mean to be difficult,” she muttered.

  Gary laughed. “Of course you do. It’s one of your charms. Come on. We’re lagging behind.”

  She followed as he urged his horse through one of the many palace gates. Between Gary and Raoul, Alanna had much to think about. The idea that she might be liked because she was different was poppycock, of course. Being squires certainly made Gary and Raoul say strange things.

  She and Gary caught up with Jonathan after stabling their horses. There was a sizable group of pack mules and horses in the stableyard, waiting to be fed and cared for.

  “Looks like we have an important guest,” Jonathan noted. “Let’s nip by the entry hall and see who’s here.”

  The three boys hurried through the palace corridors, coming at last to the entry hall. A huge pile of baggage stood there, growing smaller as an army of servants took pieces of it away. A big man, still wearing a dusty traveling cloak, directed the palace servants and his own people.

  Jonathan gave a glad cry. “Roger!” He ran to hug the newcomer while Alanna and Gary halted nearby.

  So this is Jon’s cousin, Alanna thought, looking the newcomer over. Duke Roger of Conté was over six feet in height, with brown-black hair and a beard neatly trimmed to frame his handsome face. His eyes were a bright, riveting blue. He had a straight, perfectly carved nose; his mouth was red and full. His white, flashing smile was filled with charm and confidence. He was broad-shouldered and muscular, with strong-looking hands. Very attractive, Alanna decided. So why am I not attracted to him? If anything, I think I dislike him!

  “So he’s arrived at last,” she murmured to Gary. She’d have to figure out why she didn’t like Jonathan’s cousin later.