A Home for Hannah

by Amy Lillard

  “Are you going to sit here and just watch him?”

  Hannah nodded, but some of the beauty had gone out of the day. Ballet. If she came back home to her Amish roots, she wouldn’t see another ballet. It wasn’t like she adored ballet and couldn’t live without it, but to know that she could never have that experience again . . . well, it made her stop and think. How many other things would she miss? How important were they to her? Would their importance increase when faced with being without them for the rest of her life?

  “What’s wrong?” Gracie asked.

  Hannah shook her head. “Nothing.” But it was far from the truth. She needed to take this slow with Aaron. Coming back to the Amish would be a chore in itself and not something to be taken lightly.

  “That look on your face says otherwise.”

  Hannah mulled over what she could say to her cousin and still tell the truth without giving away all of her fears. “Sometimes I wonder about all the things that could have happened. You know, between me and Aaron.”

  Gracie gave a quick shake of her head. “You shouldn’t do that. Looking at the past will not change anything, and it certainly won’t bring you any joy.”

  But a future with Aaron would?

  And what about Ohio? Had he given up that dream? Why, oh, why hadn’t she thought of all these things before now? Because you didn’t want to admit the truth. Coming back home would be trickier than she could ever imagine.

  They might still be able to give their relationship a second chance, but they needed to talk over a few more things first. And it would be best if her mind was clear and her thoughts not muddled from the aftereffects of his heady kiss.

  * * *

  Training wasn’t going exactly as he had planned. It was widely known that Aaron had a special touch when it came to horses, but no one knew that when he had other women on his mind, the mares tended to fight back rather than comply.

  It wasn’t like he was allowing Hannah into his thoughts. He lost concentration for a split second, and there she was.

  He had been a little surprised that he hadn’t seen her all morning. He half expected her to come out and welcome him. But he’d been there almost an hour and he hadn’t seen any sign of her. He decided if he was going to see her it would be up to him to seek her out.

  Deciding to cut his losses, he slipped the bridle over Star’s head and directed her back to the pasture.

  “Aaron?”

  He whirled around as Hannah came striding across the yard toward him. She looked determined, focused, but she stopped short as if she had only then realized she was practically running toward him. “Hi, Hannah.”

  “Do you . . . do you have a minute?” Today she was back in jeans and a T-shirt. Had she dressed that way on purpose? Was she trying to confuse him, or was she truly that confused herself? He could imagine how she felt, one foot in both worlds, but he had never stood in her shoes. He didn’t know, could only speculate. But her position couldn’t be easy.

  “Of course. Do you want to walk?”

  She turned back toward the house as if the answer were written somewhere there. “Yeah. I think that would be nice.”

  They started toward the road, the garden on one side and a field of corn on the other.

  “What’s on your mind, Hannah?”

  She shoved her hands into the front pockets of her jeans and shrugged. “Yesterday . . .”

  He waited for her to continue.

  “Well, I think we may have acted a little prematurely.”

  He frowned, but otherwise kept pace beside her. “How so?”

  “What about Ohio?”

  This time he stumbled a bit, her words taking him off guard. He hadn’t thought about much else than her, the two of them, and kissing her again. The magic that existed between them, a God-given gift of attraction and love. “I don’t know,” he finally managed to say. He hadn’t been thinking about Ohio—only about Hannah and that spectacular kiss.

  They rounded the bend that took them just out of sight of the house. Aaron stopped, needing to look at her as they talked.

  “What does that mean?” Hannah asked.

  “It means I don’t know.”

  “If I decide to . . . stay,” Hannah started, “I won’t move to Ohio. I can’t. My family is here.”

  He nodded. “I understand.” And he did.

  “But you want to move there.”

  He shrugged. “I’ve considered it.”

  “What’s holding you here?” she asked.

  “I don’t know.” He looked around at all the familiar sights. “This is all I know. Sometimes I think that’s good, and sometimes I think there has to be more.”

  A knowing light dawned in her eyes. “That’s something I can surely understand.”

  He nodded. Hadn’t she said almost the same thing just a few short days ago? “What do we do?”

  “We have to decide what we want.” She sighed. “You have to decide about Ohio.” She turned her face to the blue, blue sky. “I’m not trying to make you choose between me and Ohio. But if Ohio is what you truly want, I’d rather you go before my heart is too involved.”

  He nodded again. It was really all he could do. It wasn’t fair of him to ask her to move. But how could he go to Ohio without her? All last night he had smiled, thinking about the two of them together. A second chance was intoxicating.

  But today that elation was gone.

  “Do we just take a couple of days and think about it?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I guess that’s the best way.”

  “Saturday?”

  “What?” She seemed to rouse herself from somewhere far away.

  “Saturday. We can take a picnic down to the pond. The kids can play, and we can talk.”

  “I thought we were going to keep them out of this.”

  “It’s one day, Hannah.”

  “You’re right.” She gave a quick nod. “Saturday it is.”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Hannah walked side by side with Aaron back to the house. Her heart and her steps were heavy, even as she told herself this was for the best. She had no business getting involved with anyone. Even re-involved with anyone. There was too much at stake, too much happening in her life, too many unresolved issues.

  They could tell themselves all they wanted that they were making a decision, but she knew they were just avoiding the inevitable.

  Once back at the house, Aaron hitched up his horse and headed home. He gave Hannah a small, friendly wave and it occurred to her then that the small gesture was indicative of their relationship. Small and friendly. That was all it could ever be.

  Hannah watched as he disappeared around the bend, then made her way into the house. Shortly she would have to drive into town to pick up Brandon from his lessons. She should have just stayed in town with him, but she had wanted to come back and see Aaron.

  With a shake of her head, she made her way up the steps and into the house.

  “What’s wrong?” Gracie sat on the couch crocheting something out of a skein of heavy black yarn.

  “Nothing,” Hannah mumbled. Suddenly she felt tired. So very tired. Maybe even exhausted. She wanted to lie down on the couch, close her eyes, and not wake up for a long time.

  “Now, I don’t believe that for a minute.” Gracie set her yarn and needle to one side and eyed her closely.

  Hannah squirmed under such scrutiny.

  “Why are you wearing jeans today? I thought you were stay—I mean, starting to enjoy your dresses again.”

  “This has nothing to do with my clothes.”

  “I think differently.” Gracie fidgeted, but didn’t pick up her crocheting again.

  “Being here is confusing,” Hannah finally admitted. It was more than confusing. When she walked into her mother’s kitchen, she was hit with so many good memories, she could almost taste them. Christmas cookies, summer canning, fall canning, jams, pickles, tomatoes. Baking bread and all the other chores she had performed over the year
s. Except she had never appreciated them at the time. She had done anything and everything to get out of the work. The Englisch didn’t do such things. If they needed a can of tomatoes, they went to the store and bought one. They didn’t plan months in advance, till and plow a plot, plant seeds, water, pull weeds, and watch the plants grow. And they surely didn’t pick them, wash them, clean and can them. But the tomatoes were fresh. There was no worry of growth hormones or GMOs, preservatives or pesticides.

  Who was coming out ahead on this one?

  Being back in Pontotoc was more than memories of her family. There were memories of so much more. But life was a great deal harder in Pontotoc. Could she give up all the creature comforts in order to regain those precious memories of her youth?

  But what about you? Don’t you need to prove yourself? You’ve never done anything for yourself. Now’s your chance.

  “Hannah.” Gracie’s tone suggested that this wasn’t the first time she had called Hannah’s name.

  “Yes?”

  “What’s so confusing?”

  Hannah wanted to sob with frustration. “Everything.” Or maybe that was her life in general. “Aaron . . .” She shook her head. “You know, for a while there I thought we might have a second chance. But I was only seeing what I wanted to see. He’s got Ohio, and I’ve got Brandon.”

  “I’m not sure I understand.”

  “It’s okay,” Hannah said with a sage nod. “I don’t understand it myself. But it’s over.”

  “What’s over?”

  “Me and Aaron. Before we could even give it a chance. We just want different things and have different obligations. Too much stands in our way.”

  Gracie shook her head with an exasperated sigh and retrieved her yarn. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” A flush of pink rose into her cheeks. “I’m sorry to be so harsh, but really, Hannah. Are you going to let every detail of your life stand in your way?”

  If only she knew.

  “It’s more complicated than that.”

  “That’s what everyone says. And it’s only complicated because you say it is. It’s only complicated if you allow it to be.”

  Hannah was struck dumb. Was she letting her own thoughts get in her way? And what could she do about it?

  “We’re giving each other time to think.”

  “About what?”

  “What we want from our lives, separately and together. We’re going to talk about it Saturday afternoon.”

  “And you’re not going to talk about it until then?”

  Hannah shook her head. “No. I need time to think.”

  “About what?” Gracie asked again.

  “It’s complicated.” Sometimes talking to her cousin was like beating her head against a brick wall.

  “So you’ve said.”

  “You don’t think that’s a good idea?”

  “I suppose it doesn’t matter what I think, but if I had a second chance with a man like Aaron Zook, I would spend all my time convincing him that we were a match made in heaven above.”

  * * *

  “What’s this I hear about you giving up on Aaron Zook?” The screen door slammed behind Tillie as she came out onto the porch.

  Hannah rolled her eyes and stopped swinging long enough for Tillie to sit down next to her. “Don’t say that so loud. You know how Mamm is.”

  “Maybe I want her to hear.”

  “It won’t work, you know.”

  Tillie cast her an innocent look. “What won’t work?”

  “You can’t use Mamm to convince me to see Aaron.”

  “Can you blame us for wanting you to stay?”

  “How can you say that when you are thinking about leaving yourself?”

  Tillie ducked her head and held one finger to her lips. “Shhh . . . don’t say that so loud.”

  Hannah gave her a self-satisfied look and started the swing once more. “‘Sauce for the goose,’” Hannah quoted.

  Tillie’s expression turned to one of vague confusion. “I’ve never understood what that means. Don’t geese and ganders taste the same? Wouldn’t the same sauce be equally yummy on both?”

  Hannah stifled a laugh. “It means what’s good for you is good for me.” Sort of, but she wasn’t going into the gender implications with Tillie. This was enough for one day.

  “Well, anyway.” Tillie sniffed. “Aaron’s a good man, and I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want to be with him.”

  “No one said I didn’t want to be with him, sister.”

  “Then what’s the problem?”

  “How long do you have?” Hannah sighed. “Mainly, I have Brandon, and Aaron wants to move to Ohio.”

  “Ohio?” Tillie was on her feet in a second. “He can’t move to Ohio. He’ll hate it there.”

  “How do you know? You’ve never been to Ohio.”

  “Well, I’ve heard talk, and he would hate it there. You have to keep him here, Hannah. You just have to.”

  Hannah didn’t bother to tell her sister that she didn’t have to do anything of the sort. When Tillie got something in her head, it was hard to get her off track. She had been that way as long as Hannah could remember.

  “Hannah?”

  She focused her attention away from her feet and onto her sister.

  “Promise me you’ll go talk to him.”

  “Tillie, I—”

  “Promise me.”

  Hannah shook her head. “Is this just another attempt to get me to spend time with him?”

  “What difference does it make?” Tillie threw her hands into the air in that dramatic way that only Tillie could perform. “He needs to be talked out of it, and you need to talk to him. Sounds like a perfect plan to me.”

  Hannah opened her mouth to protest, but Tillie cut in. “Just get over there and don’t come home until he promises to stay in Pontotoc.”

  * * *

  This was utterly ridiculous. Hannah sighed as she turned the buggy into the drive leading to Aaron’s house. What was she supposed to say to him? She guessed the truth might be the best thing, but how would it sound? Hi, Aaron, I’m only over here because Tillie thinks I should talk you out of moving to Ohio. She says it’s for you, but I strongly suspect it’s so I’ll stay in Mississippi. How crazy is that?

  Totally cray cray.

  Definitely not something that Aaron would ever say.

  He came out of the barn as she pulled up. He had her horse tethered before she even crawled out of the buggy.

  “Amish again?” he asked with a pointed look at her dress.

  She ran her hands down herself, smoothing imaginary wrinkles. She wasn’t sure why she’d donned her Amish garb. Only that she was more comfortable driving a buggy in Amish clothing.

  Then why didn’t you bring your car?

  She pushed that voice aside and concentrated on the man before her.

  “I’m here to deliver a message of sorts.”

  He nodded, a light of disappointment shining in his eyes for just a moment before it disappeared.

  “It seems that Tillie is concerned that you will hate it in Ohio, and I needed to come tell you.”

  “Matchmaking again?”

  She nodded. “I believe so, yes, but she was really adamant that you wouldn’t like it up North.”

  He looked off over his field as if the answers were hidden there, positive proof of the right thing to do. “I suppose not, but the opportunity is good.”

  “I understand.”

  She made as if to get back into her buggy, but he stopped her, clasping her forearm in strong, warm fingers. “That’s it?”

  Hannah looked down at his hand, then back up into those smoky blue eyes. “That’s it. Now I can go back and say I did the best I could.”

  “Best you could about what?”

  “Talking to you about staying in Mississippi.” She looked down at his hand once again.

  He didn’t remove his fingers. “You call that the best you can do?”

  She shook
her head and pulled her arm from his grasp. Thankfully, he let her go. If she was going to get through this, she couldn’t have him touching and grabbing her all willy-nilly. “It’s not about real effort. It’s about making Tillie believe that I gave it real effort.”

  “Why the deception?”

  Hannah sighed. “Because I know how much working with horses means to you. I can’t stand in the way of that.”

  A quick light flashed in his eyes, but it was there and gone before she could figure out what it was. “But what if she’s right?”

  “I’m sorry?” Hannah shifted her weight and crossed her arms.

  “What if she’s right, and I hate Ohio?”

  “You mean you haven’t been there?”

  He shook his head. “There never seemed to be time.”

  Hannah thought about it a moment. “Just when did this man contact you?”

  “May,” he admitted. “Just before school was out. I couldn’t go then. After that, there was more planting, and the children were home. I didn’t want to take them with me.”

  “And you didn’t want to leave them here,” Hannah finished for him. “Have you ever wondered that you keep making all these excuses because deep down you really don’t want to go?”

  “No,” he said without hesitation. Almost too quickly. “Of course not.”

  “Then go up there.”

  “What?” He stopped, waiting for her reply.

  “Go on up to Ohio and visit. The kids can stay with us. You already know that they like being with Mamm. It’s the perfect solution.”

  He seemed to think about it a good long while. Then finally he gave a small nod. “I guess you’re right.”

  “I know I’m right.” She flashed him a quick smile to take the sting from her words.

  * * *

  Aaron watched as Hannah got into the buggy and headed for home. What had he just agreed to? Had he lost all his good sense?

  He must if he was really going through with this. Taking a trip to Ohio to see what it was like. How was he really going to know? He would only be there for a little while, just a few short days, maybe a week. He couldn’t know how the weather changed, how it affected the horses, if at all. But he supposed there were a few things he could learn. How the community was set up, if it was convenient or a hassle, if the folks were friendly, and if the land was good.