All Cried Out (All Falls Down Book 2)

by Ayden K. Morgen

  "What?" My head snaps up, shock running through me. "Savannah, that's not-"

  "You didn't trust me to be able to deal with it," she interrupts. "I know you were trying to protect me, and that's why you didn't tell me."

  I hate how sad she sounds, how hurt. I hate even more that it's my fault.

  "But that's not why I'm upset," she continues before I can apologize.

  "Then why?"

  She's silent for a moment, trying to find the words. "I'm upset because you decided to face this alone, to carry that weight alone. You made that decision for both of us, and that's not fair, Jared. We're supposed to be a team. We're supposed to work together and face things as a unit. How can we do that if you only tell me what you think I can handle?" She sighs and shakes her head. "You were struggling, and all the signs were there. You were evasive when I asked about Richardson. If I got too far away from you at the reception, you were anxious. You distracted me all night instead of talking to me. And then you were irritable and vague this morning when I asked what you were going to do today. I'm sorry. I should have asked what was going on."

  "Why do you do that?" I demand, tugging on my hair, truly mystified by her response. She should be pissed at me, but she's not. As usual, she's taking the blame, feeling guilty when none of this is her fault. That frustrates the hell out of me.

  "Do what?"

  "Blame yourself." I tilt my head back and breathe deeply. "You're upset with yourself because I didn't tell you about McKee. How is that your fault? I'm the one who messed up, Savannah, not you. I fucking hate it when you internalize things and blame yourself instead of telling me what an asshole I am." When I tip my head back down, she's staring at me, her bottom lip between her teeth. "The fact that you feel guilty pisses me off."

  "I'm sorry."

  "Don't apologize to me!" My angry retort echoes around us.

  She sighs heavily and turns away from me, her shoulders slumped. "I'm angry with myself because you felt like I wasn't strong enough to handle the truth, Jared. And you were right. I knew something was off, but I didn't know what to do about it, so I let you distract me. I didn't ask you what was wrong because I didn't want to know the truth. I wanted to bury my head in the sand and pretend that if I didn't say anything, it wasn't real. And I'm angry at myself for refusing to consider that the attempted break-in the other night was serious. I didn't want it to be, so I just refused to consider it."

  What am I supposed to say to that? Where do I even start formulating a response?

  "I was a coward, and you felt like you had to deal with this yourself. That's why I'm upset. You should have told me the truth, but I should have been strong enough to ask for it when you didn't. Instead, you felt like you had to sneak around behind my back. You shouldn't have to deal with him because I'm too chicken to do it."

  "I didn't keep this to myself because you're a coward, Savannah." I reach out and pick her up, turning her around until she's facing me and I'm standing between her legs. "I didn't tell you because you've been through enough. You think you're not strong enough, but you're the strongest person I know. Anyone else who's been through what you've been through would be broken into pieces, but you aren't. You keep moving forward, keep fighting to get past it, and when you finally have, when you finally stop waking up screaming every single night, something else comes along to knock you down. It's bullshit, baby," I whisper, emotion choking me. "The fact that I add to what you have to carry is bullshit. You deserve better than any of this."

  She shakes her head, but I place my fingers over her lips. I want her to hear me before she responds. "You deserve better than me, but you chose me anyway. Despite everything I put you through, you still love me. Do you have any idea how much light you bring to my life? How happy you make me?" I stare at her, trying to make her understand how amazing she is, and she is amazing. She's so much more than she gives herself credit for. "I wanted to deal with this for you because you've dealt with more than enough for me. I told you that no one else would ever hurt you, and I meant that. I can't take away what he did to you before, or what your mom did, or what Paulson did. I can't take away how much I hurt you by asking you to hide our relationship before, or how much it hurt you when I let you walk away, thinking what happened to Maddi was your fault. I wanted to do this for you because it's the only thing I can do for you."

  "That's not true."

  "Yes, it is. You don't need me, love. My life doesn't make sense without you in it, but you can do anything, be anything. Fucking hell, beautiful girl, you're smart, you're gorgeous, and you're rich even if you don't want to be. You're talented. Brave. You survived McKee and Paulson, your mom leaving, and the media throwing all of this shit in your face over and over again, and you do it on your own. Not once have you cried when they've shoved cameras in your face and asked what Paulson did to you. Not once have you gotten angry with me or blamed me when they falsely accused you of coming between me and Lexi. You just deal with it and keep going. I can't make them stop. I can't tell them the truth about what really happened so they leave you out of it. I feel fucking useless."

  Savannah's eyes fill with tears. "You aren't useless, Jared."

  "I feel it," I mutter, dropping my forehead to hers. Ever since taking the Talbot case, I've been a step behind, outmaneuvered in ways I never expected. Matthew Talbot and eleven other people are dead because I didn't realize Paulson was the bastard I went into T.I. to find. Savannah almost died because I didn't see what was right in front of my face. "There's not a damn thing I can do to shelter you from any of it, and I want to. Not because you aren't brave, but because you don't deserve this crap. And now that bastard is back, and I don't know how to keep you safe from him either. You keep getting hurt again and again, and it's killing me, baby."

  She slides her arms around my waist, leaning into me. "I've never been this happy before," she whispers, her sweet breath washing across my face. "Even with everything that's happened, I'm happy, Jared. That's because of you. Because you go out of your way every day to make sure I have what I need and that I'm taken care of. You love me better than anyone else ever has. You said your life doesn't make sense without me in it, but mine doesn't make sense without you, either. You're all the good parts, all the happy parts. You're the reason I want to be better and face these things, and you're the one who helps me do it. Even when I'm by myself, I've never had to face the media alone because I know you're in it with me, every day."

  Christ, she's killing me, one sweet little word at a time.

  "I do need you," she whispers, pressing her forehead hard against mine. "You make all the bad stuff hurt less. You make me hurt less. I'm happy because, for once in my life, I feel whole. I feel like I'm important, like I matter. You make me feel that way."

  "You do matter." I pull back to cup her face in my hands, ensuring she hears what I'm saying to her, that she feels it and knows it. "You're everything to me, Savannah. Everything."

  Her eyes soften, emotion swirling through the depths. "So are you."

  My lips crash against hers, my hands plunging into her hair to hold her still. Hearing those words from her wrecks me in all the best ways. I've never known anyone who can unravel me as quickly and as effortlessly as she does. Three words from her lips and I'm launched into orbit, spinning out of control.

  When we're both panting for breath, I slow our kiss and reluctantly end it. She stares up at me with wide, dilated eyes as we both try to calm down. Every muscle in my body is taut, screaming for me to carry her inside and bury myself in her, but I don't. Not yet. I can see that she has more to say to me.

  A question brews in her eyes, her worry plain on her face. And I don't know how I'm going to answer her.

  "Is there anything else I need to know?" she finally asks.

  I open my mouth to tell her that her mother is here, but the words stick somewhere between my brain and my throat, refusing to dislodge. Even now, I don't want to tell her. Not because she isn't strong enough to handle it, but b
ecause there is nothing I won't do to protect her. And letting Melinda back into her life before I'm absolutely certain she isn't going to destroy my girl all over again isn't an option. Maybe making that choice for her makes me an asshole, but I can't let that woman break Savannah again. I won't.

  "There's nothing," I say.

  She watches me for a moment and then nods, her expression softening again. "I need you to be honest with me, Jared. When you aren't, I feel like I'm in Italy all over again. Like he's running my life all over again, deciding for me what I can and can't do or say or think."

  "I'm not him, sweet girl," I remind her, tugging her into my arms. She wraps her legs around my waist and her arms around my neck as I carry her toward the porch swing and sink down with her in my lap. She curls against me, tucking the blankets around both of us, and lays her head on my shoulder, sighing sweetly.

  "I know you aren't him," she says then. "You're nothing like him."

  I press a kiss to her crown.

  "What happens now? With him, I mean."

  "Richardson assigned me to this case until he's no longer a threat," I tell her, filling her in on the details I kept from her before. "I'm going to meet Lewis in the morning to start canvassing the area around the garage to see if anyone noticed him or caught him on camera. It'd be helpful to know how he's getting around." As of now, we have nothing to go on. We don't know if he's still in the rental he picked up in Tijuana or if he's switched cars. We don't know where he's staying. Hell, aside from the two times he's targeted Savannah, we don't even know what he's been up to since he came back. Lewis says his parents are out of the state and he's not staying there. So where the hell is he?

  "Will I be able to go to my classes?"

  I want to tell her that McKee being here won't interfere with her education, but neither of us is naive enough to really believe that. I can't follow her to every class, which means she's not safe on campus. But I don't want to be the asshole who tells her she's not allowed to go, either. I don't want to be him, stripping her identity from her piece by piece. "I'll see what I can do to make sure your education doesn't suffer for this."

  "Maybe we should postpone the wedding," she says quietly.

  "No." I tilt her chin up until she's facing me. "We aren't letting him take that away from us, baby. Not a chance in hell."

  "I can't exactly plan it if I can't leave the grounds, Jared." She frowns sadly.

  "I'll marry you in jeans and a t-shirt in the middle of our apartment if that's what you want. I don't need anything but you. Nothing else matters to me."

  "I know that," she sighs. "Why couldn't he just stay away? What does he even want from me?" Tears well in her eyes again, one slipping down her cheek. "He didn't want me when he had me, but now he does?"

  "I don't know what he wants, beautiful girl, but he doesn't get you. No way." I tuck her head beneath my chin, my heart aching that I can't take away the fear and confusion for her. That I can't answer those questions for her or tell her that he's not going to complicate her life. He's already complicating it. Hell, in a matter of days, he's already taken it over. "This is my fault," I sigh. "I should have arrested his sorry ass when he showed up last time. I never should have given him the option of going back to Italy."

  "You did what you thought was best."

  Her faith in me sends another wave of guilt running through me. "I have to tell you something," I say reluctantly and wait for her to peek up at me before I confess. "Remember the day I left the hospital after you woke up?"

  She nods, a flicker of pain washing through her expression. And I hate that. I hate how that memory hurts her because I was an idiot. I mess up with her so much, yet she still loves me. It's baffling how someone as extraordinary as her could want someone like me, someone who complicates her life just by being a part of it.

  "I told you I ensured he couldn't hurt you anymore, but I also spent that time messing his life up. The University was advised of the criminal charges pending against him here, and of what he'd done to you while you were there. They opted to permanently expel him. I also had his assets frozen. He's spent the last six months living like a pauper, with no access to his trust fund. It won't be available to him until he faces the charges against him." I don't feel guilty for what I did. The bastard had it coming. But I'm not so sure Savannah will see it the same way.

  "Oh," she says after a protracted moment, laying her head against my shoulder again.

  "Tell me what you're thinking," I whisper when she says nothing more.

  "I'm not sure how I feel about that. I think… well, I think I'm glad he's not just getting away with what he did to Maddi and to me, but I feel bad, too. I know what it's like to have nothing, and it sucks. As much as I hate him, I wouldn't wish that on anyone." She's quiet for a moment. "But I also think he deserves to know what it's like to have nowhere to turn. He shouldn't get to just keep living his life after everything he's done."

  "I'm sorry about your car, beautiful girl."

  "Me too." She takes a deep breath. "I got that car because the color reminded me of your eyes. When we were apart, I wanted a piece of you, something to remind me that, for a while, I really did have you. Seeing what he did to it killed me. I know it's just a car, but I loved it because it made me think of you. Is that stupid?"

  I close my eyes, her words working like a wrecking ball on my insides. "No," I choke out, "that's not stupid. I drove myself crazy for weeks, sitting outside the apartment and school, just so I could see you. I came over here all the time, just to feel close to you. When your scent started fading from your pillows, I was so pissed. I needed that little part of you, and when it was gone, I wanted to tear things apart. I was fucking miserable without you, Savannah."

  "I was too," she whispers.

  I drop a kiss to the top of her head and hold her for a long moment, rocking us back and forth on the swing. I'm so grateful she gave me another chance because I don't think I'd have made it without her. I don't think I'd have been able to leave her alone had she asked it of me. Seven weeks without her nearly killed me.

  "We'll get you a new car," I say eventually. "Whatever you want."

  "I just want this to be over with."

  "I know, baby." I sigh. "It's going to get worse before it gets better. Sooner or later, the media will figure out who vandalized your car and they'll start digging into your past." We've been lucky on that front so far, but like Lewis said, it can't last now, not with every news station in the area on hand to witness her car being towed out of that garage. Whether we want it or not, Savannah is about to grab their attention and hold it, and there's not a damn thing I can do to stop it.

  "Maybe we should just give them what they want," she mutters. "If we beat them to it and tell them what they want to know, maybe they'll leave us alone."

  "You know it doesn't work that way," I say gently. "We could give them every detail of your life with him and they'd still show up with cameras and questions. You can't satisfy vultures with crumbs, beautiful girl. And I'm not giving them any more than that. It's none of their business what he did to you, or how you're dealing, or how we got together, or what our relationship is like."

  I'd bare my soul in an instant if I thought they'd back off of Savannah, but they won't. With McKee in the picture again, I don't know what to expect from them next. I will lose my shit if they so much as suggest that he's the wronged party in all of this though. It was hard enough to keep my mouth shut when they speculated that Savannah came between me and Lexi. Thank God Lexi set them straight on that real quick.

  They still don't know the whole truth, of course, but they've shaken loose enough to know that I was undercover, fell in love with my girl, and she was targeted by Paulson as a result. As difficult as it is to hear those facts over and over again, it's far preferable to them suggesting she's a home-wrecker. I can deal with being the guy who royally screwed up the Talbot case. I can't deal with Savannah being cast as a villain.

  "I know," she says. "I'm
just ready for them to go away."

  "They'll lose interest eventually." It pisses me off that McKee had to come back now. It'll be a miracle if they back off before the wedding.

  When Savannah shivers a few moments later, I rise to my feet and carry her inside to our room. She snuggles up against me in the bed, her head on my chest and her little hand tucked against my side. Her legs are tangled with mine, her other hand wrapped up in my hair. I love how she holds onto my hair when we're in bed. I love even more how she curls into me, touching me with every part of her body.

  "Did you find your dress today?" I ask, running my fingers through her hair.

  "Yes. It's so perfect."

  I close my eyes and swallow hard at the thought of her in a wedding dress, walking toward me down an aisle. There's no way in hell I'm going to let McKee take that moment away from either one of us. I need my ring on her finger. I need her to know that she's my happily-ever-after as much as I'm hers. I think she needs it just as much, needs to know that she will always come first to me.

  "Two months," I murmur to her.

  She presses her lips to my chest, over my heart, before settling again. We lay in silence for a while, me running my fingers through her hair. It's so different than it was four hours ago when she curled up on her side without a word. That killed me—that she wasn't touching me when she fell asleep.

  "Promise me we'll go home as soon as it's safe," she says around a yawn, her voice sleepy.

  "As soon as," I promise, knowing this is important to her after our previous conversation about it. As much as she loves the girls and this house, I don't think it will ever be home for her, not like our little apartment is. Even though she knows she will always be welcome here, some part of her still doesn't quite feel like she truly belongs here. But she chose every single item in that apartment and made it a home, somewhere without reminders of the past, somewhere she has a say. In our home, her wants and needs come first. Within those four walls, for the first time in her life, she decides what happens to her.