Just Between Friends: Page-turning fiction to curl up with in winter 2020

by Rosie Nixon

  Oscar had moved into the spare room on the floor below our bedroom for the week because he was finding it hard to cope at work, thanks to the broken nights. And he wasn’t the one up every two hours. Reality had set in, and I worried whether Oscar’s promises about being ready for all this were going to be broken. Nobody – not even Maggie – said it would be this hard.

  I had wanted a baby so badly for years, but in my dreams it was easy, natural. People without degrees, helpful partners or management roles had babies and they all seemed to cope, so why couldn’t I? I knew now that I had imagined motherhood through rose-tinted glasses. I felt anxious a lot of the time and wondered if Albie and I were bonding well enough; if it was normal to feel this sad sometimes. I mean, I knew I loved him, I loved him more than anything in the world, but sometimes I wanted it to be just me again; to go out and meet a friend for dinner; to go to the corner shop and get a newspaper without careful planning and my heart beating so fast. I was okay when I only had myself to look after. A lump came to my throat.

  Oscar told me it would get easier. ‘This will soon be a distant memory’. He even made me laugh one day when he got home from work early and found me in tears, yellow poo splattered on the wall beside us, like thick emulsion paint. Two soiled babygrows in a heap on top of the nappy bin and a peppering of poo over my top.

  ‘Someone had curry for lunch then?’ he remarked, smiling. ‘I did warn you to go easy on the spice.’

  His comment made me laugh so hard, it turned into hysterics and soon I had tears rolling down my cheeks, until I wasn’t sure if I was laughing or crying any more because I was such a hot, out-of-control mess.

  ‘I can’t keep up with the washing!’ Was all I was able to mutter when I managed to compose myself.

  ‘I’ll take over, you clean yourself up and take some time out,’ he commanded, taking off his smart blazer, which looked so out of place in this environment, and rolling up his sleeves. Albie cooed innocently and waved his legs in the air, happy for the attention.

  ‘No, baby boy, I’m not a fan of the korma either,’ I heard Oscar coo back as I made my way to the bedroom to change.

  When he had bathed and dressed the baby, they both came and joined me in the living room. I inhaled the top of Albie’s head – he smelt divine again.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I whispered. ‘It’s just so hard sometimes.’

  ‘I know, my darling, it is hard, no one dares tell you that before you have them. But exploding poo is all part of the joyous parenting experience,’ he smiled. ‘Been there, got the soiled T-shirt.’ The creases beside his eyes appeared; they comforted me. Oscar’s lovely, kind and capable face. ‘Don’t put pressure on yourself to be perfect,’ he continued. ‘Perfection is futile right now.’

  Gradually, as Albie had started putting on weight, I didn’t feel so guilty every time I gave up on my breast and forced him to take the bottle. And I didn’t freak out so much when we resigned ourselves to having a day at home, covered in poo. I clung onto Oscar’s notion that this was normal; that ‘this too shall pass’.

  That evening, when I was sat with Albie snoozing on me, absent-mindedly scrolling around Facebook on my mobile and feeling pangs of jealousy as I saw photos of Katie on holiday in Mykonos with a group of girlfriends, the caption ‘Mums on the loose!’ beneath it, my phone lit up with a message. Although I had previously deleted the number, I knew who it was immediately.

  ‘We need to talk. This has gone on too long. Call me. Please.’

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Aisha

  Thursday 24th June

  Now that all the babies had safely arrived – finally a whole two weeks late, but just missing being induced, a bonny baby girl arrived by home birth for Helen and Ian – I got on the Baby Group WhatsApp thread and suggested a trip to the pub. I thought that wetting the babies’ heads and chatting about our feelings with the other new parents could be fun. I was genuinely pleased when there was uptake, especially from Lucy.

  Me: How about seven on Wednesday at The Crown?

  Will: Count us in!

  Lucy: Great. I’ll see if Oscar can come too. Might help with the baby wrangling. x

  Me: Yes, why not. Although I’m considering leaving Jason at home with Joni so I can escape for a couple of hours. Literally dying for wine and girlie chats!

  Will: Ahem!

  Me: Sorry boy chats too :-)

  Susie: That’s a bloody great idea, I’m going to try to leave Charlie with Lin. Had a horrific night last night. I can barely see straight and I really need WINE!

  Helen: You make me laugh. See you there, I’ll bring Ian to carry my wine glass, while Maddie (hopefully) sleeps soundly. It will be our first social outing! Hope you’re all ok. xxx

  Susie: Lin wants to come too, so that means the Devil Colic Child will be there too. See you Weds. Goodnight to all!

  Wednesday 30th June

  I was looking forward to seeing Lucy and meeting Albie, but I wondered how she was going to be. Had she even realized she had been a little off? Or perhaps I had said too much when we spoke the last few times.

  When we got to the pub, Lucy did seem hesitant about coming over to me. I was stood with Susie and Lin; we had taken possession of one table and were hovering beside another where a couple were just finishing their drinks, so we could commandeer it and push them together.

  ‘What’s your tipple this evening then?’ asked Lin.

  I barely heard her, I was still thinking about Lucy and whether it was going to be awkward.

  ‘Aisha?’ she said again, more loudly. ‘What are you drinking?’

  ‘Oh sorry, miles away. I’ll probably have red wine – shall we all take it in turns to get a round?’

  After chatting to Helen and Ian first, then Will and Christian, Lucy finally greeted me with a stiff hug, and said she was sorry for ‘being short over text the other night’. It was evidently on her mind too. Jason was right, she could be a bit stuck up – it was likely that she had never had to struggle with anything before in her life, so a baby’s unpredictability was probably testing. I couldn’t blame her for that because she seemed to be having an especially hard time feeding Albie, but I still felt a little cautious around her, now that I’d seen her more prickly side. Lucy had come without Oscar or Albie, and seemed relieved that I was also alone, quipping: ‘I’m glad I’m not the only mum-on-the-run this evening!’

  ‘Oh, Jason decided to come in the end, he’s following a few minutes behind with Joni – we forgot the nappy bag so he had to go back. Rookie error!’ I joked, hoping to make her feel better if she thought that we were all making mistakes and learning on the go.

  When he arrived, Jason headed straight to the bar to join Ian and Will. I followed him to retrieve the pram and manoeuvred it between chairs and tables to join our makeshift ‘buggy park’ in a corner of the pub. For a moment I had a pang to go out somewhere on my own too, unencumbered by the amount of stuff – and by that I meant the physical paraphernalia, as well as the emotional baggage – that came with a baby. Sometimes I missed our past life. It used to be so easy to pop out to this very pub with girlfriends or for a cosy after-work dinner with Jason. I had taken such things for granted for the last twenty-odd years of my life. It wouldn’t be that easy again, not for a long time. I looked across at Joni and felt guilty for even thinking this, my heart so full of love for her. It was okay, I told myself, I could wait.

  As I parked up, Christian and Lin were pushing together the two small tables to make one we could all sit around. Susie was gathering some extra chairs.

  ‘Where’s Leo this evening?’ I asked Christian.

  ‘Babysitter!’ he replied. ‘The perk of not being able to breastfeed.’

  ‘Lucky you,’ muttered Lucy.

  Susie pulled out a chair for me to sit next to her and caught my eye. ‘How’s the, um, “birth mark” doing?’ she asked, indicating the inverted commas with her fingers before gesturing to the pram where Joni was lying, her eyes open
and fixated on the ceiling lights.

  ‘Totally gone, thankfully,’ I smiled. ‘Naughty mummy.’

  ‘Phew,’ Susie breathed and turned to ask Lin to get two bottles of red wine from the bar, rather than one. ‘Don’t know about you, but I’m in the mood this evening.’

  ‘Birth mark?’ asked Lucy, startling me. I hadn’t realized she had heard. She pulled out the chair on the other side of me and sat down.

  ‘It’s nothing,’ I replied. ‘Just an accident I had with some fake tan.’ It felt like something had shifted between Lucy and me and I didn’t feel like sharing the moment with her. ‘Sorry I won’t get to meet Albie this evening,’ I said. ‘He looked so cute in the photo you sent.’

  ‘No, he’s at home with Oscar. We thought that getting me and my boobs out of the house might help him to feed from the bottle more readily this evening – out of sight, out of mind? Oscar’s going to try anyway.’ She paused. ‘He’s been amazing, all things considered.’

  ‘He’s still not taking the bottle easily?’ I asked. She shook her head in response.

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  If I wasn’t mistaken, her eyes were filling with tears and they looked red. She took a large sip from the glass of red wine in her hand. She didn’t seem her usual bubbly self.

  ‘I just need to go to the bathroom, excuse me a minute.’ She knocked back another gulp of wine and edged out of her seat.

  Lin returned from the bar and sat down opposite me.

  ‘So how are you finding motherhood, Lin?’ I asked, wondering if I should go after Lucy. I’d give it a few minutes then if she didn’t come out I’d go and see if she was okay.

  ‘I’m loving it,’ she smiled, squeezing Susie’s arm. ‘I’m just so proud of them both. I mean, it’s a rollercoaster all right,’ she glanced sideways at Lucy, who was on her way to the Ladies’. ‘Nothing can prepare you. The lack of sleep really gets to you, and his colic isn’t showing any sign of improving – yesterday, the doctor said it could last until he starts solids – but, on balance, we definitely won’t be putting Charlie up for adoption. Will we?’ She nudged Susie with her elbow.

  ‘No, definitely not!’ Susie smiled.

  ‘The only downer is that I’ve had to go back to work,’ she said, turning to face Susie and smiling doe-eyed. ‘I just want to be around them all day.’

  ‘That’s lovely to hear,’ I cooed. It was nice to hear some positivity; it had felt as though we mainly used WhatsApp to discuss Colic problems so far.

  ‘Has anyone even thought about work?’ I asked, just as Helen plonked a bottle of white wine in a chiller in the middle of the table.

  ‘Evening ladies and gents,’ she announced, before glancing around at our drinks and noticing we were all nursing glasses of red wine. ‘Oops, looks like this bottle is all for me then. Perk of formula feeding! Just going to quickly check on Maddie.’

  And she popped over to her pink Bugaboo, peeked in and replaced the pink muslin canopy quickly and delicately, creating a cosy tent for the sleeping baby inside. She made an ‘okay’ sign with her hand and rejoined us, unscrewing the top from the wine bottle and charging her glass.

  ‘It feels so weird to be out!’ she exclaimed. ‘But Ian is currently boring Jason with the football results so some things don’t change,’ she rolled her eyes.

  Lucy had come back from the toilet and took her seat next to me again.

  ‘That’s them gone for hours then,’ I said, reaching for my glass and taking another small sip.

  ‘He used to play at Bristol,’ Lucy muttered.

  ‘Yeah, that’s right,’ I said, turning towards her, ‘Jason, you mean?’

  ‘Um, yeah,’ she said, seeming a little flustered. ‘There was a photo, in your flat – the team.’ She was right, there was a framed photo at home of Jason with the Bristol Uni football team, just after they won the universities league. He had never allowed me to take it down. She must have noticed it at the breastfeeding class; I was amazed she remembered.

  ‘Where did you go to uni?’ I asked, glossing over the fact that she had been stalking our photos instead of concentrating on the tutor – maybe if she had paid attention, she wouldn’t be in such a state with feeding now. I berated myself for bitching, even if it was inside my head.

  She looked at me like I had asked her a very personal question.

  ‘London,’ she replied, fixing me with an intense gaze, one that made me refrain from asking any more. ‘I’m just popping out to give Oscar a call – to check on Albie.’ She stood up.

  We stayed in the pub for a couple of hours, ordering chips to wash down the wine, and for a blissful time it felt liberating to be out of the house, socializing, like normal people.

  I was a little annoyed that Jason didn’t make any effort to socialize with the wider group – he stayed up at the bar with Ian for nearly the whole time. Once I glanced over and caught him looking at Lucy, but I guessed he was only watching out for me, after the text weirdness the other night. Later, I saw his eyes follow Helen to the Ladies’, as she went to change Maddie. In her little denim skirt and pale pink sweater, you’d never have known she pushed a baby out just two weeks ago. She looked like a Barbie. I hated myself for feeling a twang of jealousy, insecure about my own looks post-pregnancy.

  It was 9.30 when I noticed Joni stirring and decided it was time for us to leave; I didn’t particularly fancy breastfeeding her in the pub, which was now getting louder as people enjoyed a mid-week night out. Jason was nursing a new full pint at the bar.

  ‘You stay,’ I insisted, thinking that I shouldn’t be too harsh, at least he was getting on well with the dads. Will and Christian had joined the guys and they were huddled together laughing about something.

  Soon after I had finished saying my goodbyes to the women, Lucy reached for her coat too.

  ‘I’d better get going as well,’ she said, waving to the others. ‘Duty calls – looks like Albie needs me.’

  As we prepared to go our separate ways outside the pub, Lucy touched my arm. ‘How about that coffee,’ she said, more as a statement than a question. ‘This Friday any good?’

  ‘Sure,’ I smiled. Maybe I had judged her too harshly. At the end of the day we were all coping in our different ways.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Lucy

  Oscar had called four more times while I was in the pub. After an initial panic about where to find things, I thought he would manage on his own. Apparently not. I had to put my phone on silent, not wanting to cause a scene in front of the others, and besides, Albie would probably be suckling away peacefully any minute if he persevered. Things could change so quickly with a baby – Oscar needed to keep going with the bottle. But then he sent a text:

  ANSWER YOUR DAMN PHONE!

  Swiftly followed by:

  He won’t take the bottle and I’ve tried three different teats. It’s been an hour. He’s in a state. Shall we come find you in the pub or will you come back?

  Bloody hell. This is what I went through every day. Couldn’t he just let me have a few hours’ peace? I messaged him back:

  Okay, I hear you, I’ll head back now.

  I saw Aisha was getting ready to go home too so I told her of my plan to leave and took the opportunity to ask her about going for a coffee.

  As she stood up, I noticed how slim Aisha’s tummy seemed to be, just weeks after giving birth. How did she manage that? I was still finding it difficult to do up the pregnancy jeans I’d been wearing in my third trimester. Helen looked amazing this evening too, as though her size six body had snapped back overnight. I felt a twinge of jealousy. My C-section scar was still sore and my blubbery stomach felt as though it would never be flat again.

  Joni was awake in the pram beside her. She had slept quietly for the whole evening thus far; she was so well behaved. I was glad I sat next to Aisha this evening but I couldn’t help wondering if I had messed things up; she seemed a bit uneasy around me.

  When we were outside the pub, Aisha
said: ‘She can get fractious at this time of the evening, especially when she’s tired and hungry. I’ll walk with you a little bit, if you like, Joni will probably drop off.’

  ‘It’s okay, it sounds like Albie needs me. I’ll run ahead.’ Her home was in the opposite direction anyway.

  ‘I hope he gets back on the bottle okay,’ she said sympathetically.

  Once I was alone in the street, I had a chance to send the text. It was time.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Lucy

  Oscar phoned again as I neared our street.

  ‘What’s taking you so long?’ he bellowed, before I could speak.

  ‘I’m coming as fast as I can!’

  ‘Hurry,’ he replied. I could hear Albie screaming blue murder in the background.

  ‘Okay!’ I shouted over the din, ‘but give me a break – this is the first time I’ve been on my own for more than an hour and a half in four fucking weeks!’ As I hung up, I shocked myself at how angry I sounded. All the secrets and lies of the last few months were taking their toll.

  Albie was in a terrible state, I could hear his cries from down the street. When I got home, Oscar was pacing around the room, trying to contain the purple-faced baby in a badly made swaddle. An open bottle of red wine was on the table.

  ‘I was calling non-stop. None of the teats worked. He wants you,’ he said sternly, handing him over. ‘I’m not sure if I can do this all over again.’ His words stung and I almost told him the thing I had been keeping from him for over nine months. But I stopped myself, knowing I would instantly regret it.

  ‘I’m sorry,’ I said, taking Albie into my arms and feeling his warm little head settle into the nook of my neck. The light covering of downy hair on his crown was damp, his face was red and scrunched up; he’d got himself into such a state. He stopped crying for a moment at least. ‘I honestly thought he’d take the bottle if there was no other option. I thought perseverance might help.’