Just Between Friends: Page-turning fiction to curl up with in winter 2020

by Rosie Nixon

  At the same time, Joni had decided to land the worst bout of sleep regression on me since the one she’d had at three months. Maybe she had a sixth sense and was feeling the same separation anxiety from Jason that was also waking me up in a hot sweat several times a night. There were moments of physical pain, deep within me, as I yearned for Jason – the old Jason – and our former life, which I had always believed was happy. I now knew we had been living a partial lie. I fluctuated between feeling incredibly stupid for not listening to my intuition a year ago and raging with so much fury, both for him and Lucy, that I wanted to explode.

  The first morning at Tara’s, I was so tired from the broken night’s sleep and all the crying, I could barely see through my puffy, bloodshot eyes when I woke up. For a few precious seconds I woke to the blissful sounds of my baby, and then the horror of what had happened hit me full on.

  Much as Tara’s spare room was a lovely place to be, it was also the last place I imagined we would find ourselves during my maternity leave, when I should be enjoying these moments with Jason. I had received a barrage of frantic texts and missed calls from him during the first evening, but aside from sending him one text back, to let him know that we were safe and that I’d tell him when I was going back to the flat, that was the only communication we’d had. Words seemed futile right now; there was nothing he could say to make it better.

  Now, after a second night at Tara’s, I was ready to go home. I didn’t want to see Jason, but I wanted to be back in the flat, for practical reasons as much as anything else. Joni and I needed our own clothes and things around us. I texted Jason to tell him I was coming back, and that he needed to go. I might not have been able to control the past, but it was my turn to call the shots now.

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Lucy

  Friday 13th August

  On the night of my revelation, Oscar and I had got ready for bed in silence. We had drunk plenty of wine and were emotionally wrung out. I barely slept. On the one hand, the fact we were sleeping in the same bed had given me hope. But on the other, I knew things were far from resolved. When Albie woke in the night and I brought him into our bed to comfort him, Oscar silently moved to the spare room.

  In the morning, when Albie stirred, I lifted him out of his cocoon on the bed next to me and took him into the spare room to see if Oscar was awake. The bed was empty. My heart sank.

  I heard the noises downstairs so I followed them, Albie in my arms. Oscar was making breakfast in the kitchen. He was wearing his dressing gown and nothing else.

  ‘Hello,’ I whispered tentatively.

  ‘Morning,’ he replied in such a monotone way I couldn’t second-guess his mood.

  ‘Is everything okay?’ I asked. Albie gurgled hungrily.

  ‘Lucy,’ he replied, turning to face me front on, ‘I’ve always loved you and since you’ve become a mother, I love you even more. You’re an amazing mum.’ He smiled at Albie and right on cue, Albie cooed back. ‘I’ve developed such a strong bond with Albie and I can’t imagine not being here to see all the firsts in his life. But I really wish you had told me all this before.’

  The ‘But’ floored me.

  I looked into his eyes. ‘I know, I wish I had too. But—’ A pause. ‘Can you forgive me?’

  I was petrified of his answer. My question hung in the air. The suspense was almost too much to bear.

  ‘I’ve been awake half the night thinking things through,’ he sighed heavily. ‘I’m going to stick by you through this, Lucy,’ I sensed there was a caveat coming, ‘because I love you, and I’m in this forever. But you must never keep secrets from me. I’m not going anywhere right now, but I don’t want any more surprises. I mean it.’

  I moved across the room towards him, still holding Albie close for reassurance, relief washing through every part of my body. ‘I promise. No secrets. I’ll always be yours. Thank you, Oscar. I love you so much,’ I whispered in Oscar’s ear. It quickly became moist from my tears.

  Then his mouth gently touched my skin and I knew it was going to be okay. For now.

  Chapter Forty

  Aisha

  When Joni and I got home, the place felt empty and cold. On my request Jason had moved out, no discussion, he knew better than to question me right now. Even here, it felt as though Lucy was haunting me; I remembered how I had caught her looking at our photos when she came here for the breastfeeding class. I bet she was desperate for a nose into our personal life. It sickened me to think of her here, pretending to be so innocent.

  I took down all the photos of Jason from the flat. My eyes lingered for a moment on the Bristol FC photo, the one that had caught Lucy’s attention that evening at the breastfeeding class. It would have been taken around the time they had dated. I couldn’t bear to look at any part of him – the lips that had kissed hers, the hands that had been all over her body, the legs that had led her to wherever it was they had sex. Maybe it was in a hotel room, in a car, her place, don’t tell me in was in our bed – it could have been anywhere. It was so seedy. I didn’t want to know the details, yet I had a morbid fascination with thinking about them together. The thought of them having sex repulsed me, but I couldn’t let the image go. Fleeting scenes as if from a film flashed through my mind, much as I tried to push them away. I wondered whether it had been passionate. I always thought that Jason and I had great sex – it was regular, it wasn’t over in seconds, we could tease each other for hours if we wanted, there was dirty talk and sometimes role-play, pre-baby of course, and generally we both came. He satisfied me. But it was apparently not enough for Jason, he clearly wanted more.

  The feeling was no better when I left the house. Every paving stone on the streets of Clapham reminded me of her, as did the smell of coffee outside Starbucks and a sign for the nearby yoga studio. I couldn’t bear to go near the church hall where we had met at The Baby Group, taking the longer route around it to Sainsbury’s, rather than be transported back to the time Jason had sat in the same room as Lucy, both of them holding this big smutty secret between them. I wondered if it had excited them at all. It certainly helped to explain Jason’s weird behaviour at the session he came to. How Lucy had showed off with her speciality salads. Who was she trying to impress really? I wondered if Oscar knew about Jason too. I doubted there was any truth at all in her IVF and anonymous sperm donor story. How could she have been such a lying bitch?

  I decided to try to make life as normal as possible for Joni, so that afternoon I took her to the playground on Clapham Common. But as I pushed her on the swing I momentarily froze, imagining I’d seen Lucy out of the corner of my eye, appearing behind me with Albie. When I turned it was just a stranger. I thought about spending a few more days away from the area to escape this feeling – to escape her. I considered booking me and Joni a flight to Dubai to stay with my dad, but he had moved in with a woman I had only ‘met’ on Skype and I decided I’d feel even more alienated over there, without Tara or my flat in easy reach.

  I told Dad about Jason on the phone, and his reaction surprised me. Where I’d always got the impression Dad was slightly disappointed with Jason – that he thought I should be with a wealthier man, who could keep me in the luxury in which he had kept Mum – there was genuine sorrow in his voice. Once again I was hit by the physical pain of missing Mum. I felt sure I would have confided all this in her, and wondered what her advice might have been.

  ‘Whether or not he’s the father of that child, he’s still the father of yours, Aisha,’ Dad said. I sensed remorse in his voice. ‘Does Joni deserve to lose him from her life as well, over a foolish mistake? We men all make mistakes. We’re not as together as you women.’

  I wondered if this was his way of saying sorry for his lack of engagement in my own life. Whether he was a keeper of secrets too. I got the feeling he felt guilty, although he couldn’t articulate it.

  Saturday 14th August

  The next day, after a better night’s sleep, I was feeling stronger. And as each da
y passed, it started to take less and less time to root myself back in reality when my eyes opened each morning.

  I felt resolute that I was the innocent party here and I wanted Jason out, for the time being at least, whatever the result of the test. How could I trust him again after such a huge betrayal? Perhaps I would be fine as a single mum. Tara had done a good job of drilling some courage into me; sending me regular texts of support and pictures of affirmations about finding inner strength and believing in myself. She was helping to reassure me that I had done absolutely nothing wrong, and time would help me to decide where my life was going to go from here, but not to make rash decisions or invite Jason back in before I was ready; to focus my energy on Joni.

  Still, wherever I went, I kept feeling Lucy’s toxic presence. Occasionally I’d get a waft of that sickly sweet rose perfume she wore and I would turn sharply, my heart pounding, expecting to see her standing behind me, only to discover she wasn’t there at all, it was simply my own shadow.

  That night, when she was asleep in her cot beside me, I tortured myself by staring at Joni and wondering whether she looked like Albie at all. Whether she could feasibly be his half-sister, based on their looks, as that was all I had to go on.

  There was a similarity in their looks, well, as much as babies all look the same to some degree. But if you looked closer, they both had the same shade of brown hair and what you might describe as strong features. It gave me goosebumps.

  I wondered how many times Lucy had done the same, and remembered how I had caught her looking at Joni so closely once in the café. I thought about the moment I had thrust Joni into her arms that time when I was trying to untangle the nappy bag. The fact she was someone I had considered trustworthy, that she had held my baby in her arms, made me shudder. How could she have been so brazen? Now it explained so much. She was scheming for certain, I just wondered how far she was planning to take this car-crash situation.

  Chapter Forty-One

  Lucy

  It was Oscar’s birthday when I decided it was time to start going out again. I hadn’t heard a thing from Jason so I imagined he had decided to focus on his own family unit until we had the paternity test results, which we were due to receive any day now – or he was plotting my slow, painful death. Either way, it didn’t seem fair that Oscar should also become a recluse because of this. He was my rock. I made a reservation at his favourite Michelin-starred restaurant in London, and surprised him with the news the day before. He was delighted and seeing Oscar so happy made my spirits lift too.

  I had hoped that we might have the test results by now – so Oscar and I would have some concrete news to celebrate – but when I called the company first thing that morning I was told nothing was on the system yet and that we should get it by email ‘in the next couple of days’. The wait was excruciating.

  Mum and Dad had offered to come and babysit. This was a first, and I wasn’t going to turn them down. They even volunteered to stay the night so we could have a little lie-in the next morning. Recently they had been more attentive; they clearly approved of Oscar and me being together. Finally, I seemed to be getting things right in their eyes. I prepared thoroughly for their visit, labelling Tupperware boxes in the fridge, organizing bottles of formula and leaving out Calpol, just in case – nothing was going to cut short our first proper romantic evening since the baby was born.

  We decided to walk to the restaurant. It would take about thirty minutes, but although cold, it wasn’t raining and would give us an opportunity to chat, like old times. Both of us were keen walkers and we had spent many of our early dates strolling home from restaurants or bars late at night, talking ten to the dozen. Because of the clandestine nature of most of our early date nights, Oscar being my boss and all, it had been safer to take the streets under the cover of darkness, rather than be spotted by someone from work on the Tube, and Oscar had been too afraid to use his Uber or company taxi accounts in case his PA had clocked he was coming to my flat so often. So, walking it had been, sometimes stopping on a dark, empty side street, or behind an inviting bush, for a snog.

  Oscar’s hand reached for mine as we left the house and our shoulders visibly dropped – Albie was asleep and it felt so nice to escape the confines of baby land together. It felt liberating. Oscar asked me if I was feeling okay and I told him the truth: it had been a stressful few days and I was nervous about the test result, but I didn’t want it to overshadow our evening together.

  We had a brilliant time and that night Oscar and I had sex for the first time since Albie was born. It was slow and tender. He spent ages sucking my breasts and caressing my thighs until I begged him to take me fully. When he did, it was intense and sensual. He quickened and slowed the pace instinctively, just as I needed him to, bringing me close to orgasm several times. We came together. I felt like I’d come home.

  ‘I love you so much,’ he breathed, his eyes shining.

  ‘I love you more,’ I said, lifting my head to kiss his lips, while he was still inside of me.

  Afterwards, when he went to the bathroom, two big, fat, round tears rolled from the corners of my eyes, tickling the side of my cheeks as they began to dissipate.

  In the darkness, as Oscar slept, I rolled onto my side and thought about Jason for a while. I thought about how different Oscar was to him – in looks, personality, sexually, everything. But I didn’t wobble; it made me feel calm and happy. Just by being himself, Oscar was perfect and our little family was complete. Almost.

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Aisha

  Sunday 15th August

  Jason had obediently given me the space I requested and stopped the relentless calling, bar one text to deliver the news that the test results had not yet arrived and he would let me know the moment he found out. I was in the kitchen making soup and toast for myself and some baby rice for Joni – I had reverted to creating myself five-minute maximum student-style meals in Jason’s absence; there never seemed to be enough time or inclination to do more – when my phone began ringing on the kitchen counter. I saw Jason’s name appear. I froze, barely able to catch my breath.

  I wanted to know the result and at the same time, I didn’t. It would mean more heavy conversations, more decisions – possibly even bigger ones. Plus Joni was hungry right now and I was just about to eat, myself. By way of a distraction, I’d begun reading up on weaning, and looked forward to the coming weeks when I could introduce baby rice and a few pureed solids to some of her meals. Jason didn’t know about any of this. He had asked to see her, but I’d said no. I didn’t know how we’d manage it, and although I knew how hard this must be for him, not seeing her for almost a week, I wasn’t ready yet.

  I reached for a tea towel to wipe my hands, which were covered in avocado mush, but missed the call. Shortly after a text came through.

  Hey. Can you talk? I don’t have the results yet, but I’m wondering if I can come over please? I’m desperate to see Joni and you. I know I don’t deserve either of you, but this separation from our baby, it’s killing me. Jx

  I realized I was holding my breath, thinking the text was going to be the test result. I felt desperate. Half of me wanted this horrible mess to just go away, to forgive him and try to get back to normal. But the other half wanted him to stay away. Jason’s text was all about his own feelings – what about mine? I wasn’t sure if he realized quite how betrayed and angry I felt. And he hadn’t just let me down – he’d let down ‘our baby’ as well. How I wished there was a Gina Ford handbook for discovering your husband’s been unfaithful. But there was no manual to tell me what to do.

  I sat down at the kitchen table, giving myself some time to consider my response. Sitting here took me back to that day when I returned home from the spa and found Lucy outside our flat, how I had merrily invited her in and let her borrow our spare bottle steriliser. The idea of this now seemed absurd and I wondered the real reason why she had been standing outside our house that day. Was something still going on? Now I thought a
bout it, it was very suspicious that she ‘just happened’ to be walking past on a day when Jason knew I was supposed to be out; she was wearing more make-up than usual yet she had seemed out of sorts. And then a piece of the jigsaw puzzle slotted into place. Well, how would you feel if you had just taken a DNA test to decide the paternity of your child? That must have been the day they did it. I was conveniently out of the way. That meant they would have done the test in front of Joni too. They had made a fool out of me. My blood heated up.

  What a fool I had been. An anger bubbled to the surface as I began questioning how many other times they had deceived me. I wondered why Lucy had been in the same Baby Group as us. Surely it wasn’t a coincidence. But what did she want from all of this? Was she trying to steal my husband? Why did she want to cause me so much pain? Before I realized what I was doing, I banged my fist against the table in frustration. It made the soup bowl shake and some of it splashed over the edge.

  Joni looked up at me from her baby seat by the table. She looked worried.

  ‘I’m sorry my darling, I didn’t mean to scare you.’ I undid the clasp and picked her up, cuddling her into my chest. There was nothing more comforting than her warm body; she reached for my hair with a podgy avocado-smeared hand and tugged it.

  I tried to keep positive. To focus on the facts. There were plenty of blanks I would need to ask Jason to fill in when the time was right, but for now, I wanted to believe it was just the ‘one night of madness’ he told me about. Joni pulled my hair again.

  ‘What is it, little one?’ I asked. I was losing the plot now, thinking a three-month-old was trying to tell me something. I looked into her eyes. So far Jason had agreed to abide by my wish for space, but perhaps it was unfair to deny Joni the chance to see her father. I had to think about what was best for her too; she was the innocent party in all of this.