Christmas is for Children

by Rosie Clarke

  She lifted the flap in the counter and invited them through. Robbie noticed that it was a little awkward because the hinge was loose.

  ‘I could fix that before I go,’ he said. ‘That hinge just needs a screw tightening. If you like, I’ll do it after I’ve spoken to your father…’

  ‘Oh, would you?’ Honour said and smiled at him. ‘It is the kind of thing my dad used to do all the time and it’s not something you can call a builder out for, is it?’

  ‘No, you need a handyman like me,’ Robbie said and smiled at her.

  Mr Hawkins was just trying to stand up as Robbie entered the kitchen and he saw him sway and almost fall, going quickly to support him until he was steady.

  ‘Thanks…’ he grunted. ‘I’m a bit tippy on me feet these days. I wanted ter get upstairs without the girls havin’ ter lug me up there…’ His eyes narrowed. ‘Do I know yer?’

  ‘I’ll give yer a hand if yer like,’ Robbie said. ‘I came in to thank yer for the tools you let me have. I can pay a few bob at a time once I get goin’. I’m startin’ up as a carpenter-cum-handyman – fixing all the little jobs that never get done because people put off askin’ a tradesman to come out.’

  Flo’s father gave another grunt. ‘Yer don’t have ter pay me fer the tools. I reckon I owe yer – and yer know why, so don’t ask and don’t tell her either…’ He jerked his head towards the door that led into the shop. ‘I’ll make me peace with me daughter in me own way – but it can’t come from you.’

  ‘I don’t know what yer mean,’ Robbie said, but of course he did. He would never forget the day he’d been told that if he ever went near Flo again he would be beaten to a pulp.

  ‘She don’t want the likes of you,’ Flo’s father had told him. ‘Come near her again and I’ll beat yer head in… now go…’

  Robbie had gone, shuffling his feet, his head down, beaten, bruised and defeated, because Flo didn’t want to see him. He’d sent a note and asked her to meet him and her father had come in her place.

  So Robbie had gone. He’d left London and joined the army, because the war was raging and it was the only place left for a young man with no family and a broken heart – and, worse than that, the shadow of failure. He’d let down the girl he’d loved with all his heart and he would never cease to regret it.

  Looking into Mr Hawkins’ eyes now, Robbie saw guilt and the anger rushed up inside him, but then he saw the hurt and pain. Whatever he might have done, whatever lies he’d told, Mr Hawkins had paid for them.

  Holding the anger inside, Robbie took the weight of the fragile old man’s body and carried him up the stairs, placing him on the edge of the bed as carefully as he would a child.

  ‘Do yer need the commode?’ he asked, because helping this man was helping Flo.

  ‘I’m all right, thanks,’ Mr Hawkins said and then clasped his wrist as he turned to leave. ‘You won’t tell her it was me that ruined her life?’

  ‘What do yer mean?’ Robbie asked, genuinely puzzled.

  ‘Yer knew – yer must have known she was havin’ a kid?’

  ‘Yes, I knew – but I thought she must have lost it… or did she have to give it up? Did you make her give the baby away?’ Robbie’s gaze narrowed intently.

  An odd smile twisted the old man’s mouth. ‘Yer’ve got another daughter, Robbie Graham. Most folk think she’s Flo’s sister – but I thought you would’ve twigged the truth afore now…’

  It was like a lightning strike. Robbie felt as if he’d been punched in the stomach, the way he had more than eighteen years earlier when the fragile man sitting on the edge of his bed had been strong and had taken him by surprise, hitting him on the back of the neck and as he staggered, punching him to the ground and then standing over him to kick his head and face until he was barely able to see from one eye and his head was whirling.

  ‘You mean… that lovely girl is my daughter?’ Robbie was astounded, his thoughts in utter confusion. And yet he’d felt something that morning he’d carried Flo’s basket and watched her talking to Honour. It had occurred to him that she must be about eighteen, which is what she would be if their loving had made a child. How could it be that all this time he had a daughter he’d known nothing about? Because no breath of scandal had ever touched, Flo he’d assumed that she’d been mistaken and there was no child. Now, he was being told that for all those years he’d been away in the army he’d had a daughter.

  ‘Yer ain’t stupid. Work it out. Flo and her mother tried to hide it from me and the world. I was fooled fer a bit, because I was away and the babe was born when I got back – but I soon cottoned on and then I found the letter you sent Flo through the door.’

  Robbie stared at him, the gorge rising in his throat. He’d blamed himself all these years for running like a coward. He hadn’t been much older than Flo and, at first, he’d been scared of the responsibility of a child and marriage, but when he’d got over his blue funk, he’d tried to see Flo again, but she wasn’t in the shop and she never went anywhere. In the end he’d sent a letter – and this wretched man had intercepted it and waited for him, giving him a beating that had left him too bemused to think.

  He’d gone then and when he’d finally returned to the area, married with a young son, he’d tried to discover if Flo ever had a child and all he’d found out was that she had a sister and he’d accepted it… What a fool he’d been all these years but Flo’s father had been as much to blame and suddenly his anger boiled over.

  ‘It would serve yer right if I went right down there and told her what you did…’

  ‘What good would that do now?’ Flo’s father asked. ‘She has put yer behind her, Robbie Graham. She lives for this shop and her daughter – and she’d do anything to stop Honour knowing the truth. She wouldn’t thank you fer tellin’ her, believe me.’

  ‘So I’m supposed to just ignore it?’ He felt a pain in his chest, making it difficult to think or breathe.

  ‘That’s what you’ve done for the past eighteen years. What’s different now?’

  It was the truth and Robbie couldn’t deny it. He should have contacted Flo long ago and asked her what happened – and told her that he’d never forgotten her, but now… it was useless, just as her father said.

  ‘So what then?’

  ‘Just leave us be – at least until I’m dead. Don’t throw those tools back in my face. It wouldn’t hurt me, but it’s yer only chance… and I do owe yer that much.’

  Robbie stared at him in silence for several seconds. Giving them back would ease his pride, but the tools were his only chance of earning a decent living.

  ‘You’re right, I am owed,’ he said. ‘I’ll take the tools – and I shan’t tell Flo what you did, but one day I want Honour to know the truth. When I have something to give her – something to be proud of…’

  Robbie turned and walked from the bedroom. His emotions were churning because he wanted to tell Flo that her father had sent him away when he’d offered to marry her. He wanted Honour to know that he’d never known she was his… but he couldn’t speak, not because that old man had given him the means to win his pride and a future of some kind, but because he was a fragile old man and Robbie couldn’t destroy what little life he had left.

  ‘You helped Dad upstairs,’ Honour said, coming into the kitchen with a plate of cakes. Mick was sitting at the table drinking a glass of milk and eating a piece of sponge cake. ‘Would you like to stay for a cup of tea and a couple of these rock buns? We can’t sell them tomorrow, because they will not be perfectly fresh by mornin’.’ She laughed; her cheeks pink. ‘That sounds awful, but you offered to do the hinge and I wanted to thank you – I assure you they are perfectly fresh now.’

  Robbie felt a glow of pride. She was a lovely girl and she was his! He longed to claim her but knew he must wait until he had the right. Instead, he just smiled warmly at her. She was his daughter and the thought filled him with pride and love, and he wanted to be able to embrace her and show her affection.

&n
bsp; ‘I’m sure they are, Honour, and I’d love one, but I can’t stop to eat it. I’ll just fix that screw and then I must get home for my kids – Ben and Ruthie.’

  ‘Look, I’ll put these rock cakes in a bag for you and the children,’ Honour said. ‘It was so kind of you to put Dad to bed… it isn’t easy for us to get him upstairs and he insists on coming down most days…’

  ‘I expect it gets lonely up there on his own,’ Robbie said. ‘I’ll fix that screw and then come back this way…’

  He went swiftly through to the shop just as Flo was tidying the last few bits and pieces. Robbie searched through his bag and took out the right size screwdriver. It took seconds to mend the counter.

  ‘Thank you for calling in and doing that,’ Flo said. ‘Shall you be at the mission for the Christmas bazaar on Friday evening? You should bring Ben and Ruthie. There will be games and prizes for the children… and you should come too, Mick.’

  ‘I’m not sure… I might,’ Robbie said and smiled at her, because the thought of seeing her there was tempting. Mick just grinned and patted his stomach. ‘How long has your father been so ill, Miss Hawkins?’

  ‘He had the second stroke nearly a year ago, and the doctor thought he might die, but he seems a little better in himself recently… though he’s not good on his feet.’

  ‘Very unsteady, I would say,’ Robbie said. ‘He ought not to come down on his own. Do you have a downstairs parlour?’

  ‘No, it’s just the shop, which was once a parlour, I suppose. We have the large kitchen, which we needed for our business – and our bedrooms upstairs. We don’t have much time for sitting anyway.’ She frowned. ‘It isn’t ideal for Dad, but it’s the best I can do…’

  ‘Yes, I expect so,’ Robbie said. ‘Well, I must go. My children will be expecting me to fetch them, and I’ve got to feed this lad and then see him safe home. Perhaps we’ll all come to the mission on Friday… if I can manage it…’

  Flo nodded, smiled and walked him to the back door. Honour reminded him to take all his cakes. He accepted them from her hand, smiled and left, his thoughts in turmoil.

  He’d given his word that he would say nothing while the old man lived – but one day he wanted Honour to know that she had a father who would love her, if she would give him the chance. Yet before that he had to make himself worthy – of her and of Ben and Ruthie too…

  Robbie knew that whatever he did he could never redeem himself in Flo’s eyes and the thought of what she must have gone through, having the child in secret and always pretending to be her own daughter’s sister… Robbie felt his heart bleed for her and everything she had lost because of him – because of a foolish young man’s desire and his subsequent cowardice. He was the one who had ruined Flo’s life, not her father!

  No, there was no hope of Flo ever truly forgiving him, but perhaps Honour would one day…

  15

  Would Robbie bring his children to the mission that Friday? The thought made her heart flutter a little, because having him in her shop and her home had made her realise how much she’d missed by not having him there all these years. Walking back with him from the market the other morning had made her realise how pleasant it was to talk with him about little things and his smile made her feel happier.

  Flo looked forward to her one evening a week at the mission. She hadn’t missed going since the first time John Hansen had asked if she could help out, except for the few times she’d been ill or either her father or Honour had needed her.

  Honour was a little quiet as Flo prepared to leave that evening. She’d been tying a silky headscarf over her hair to keep it from blowing all over the place and caught sight of her daughter’s forlorn face in the mirror behind her.

  ‘What’s wrong, love?’ she asked, turning to look at Honour. ‘I said you could ask Roy round in the evening while I’m out…’

  ‘He hasn’t been into the shop for ages,’ Honour said and sniffed. ‘He said he would be away for a while and I haven’t seen him since… but he promised to write and it’s more than a week and I haven’t had a letter…’

  ‘Roy is a soldier,’ Flo said. ‘Maybe he’s been put on extra duty – it isn’t always his choice, Honour. You went out nearly every night for a week. Perhaps he needs to save his money for something…’

  ‘We often just walked or had a drink. I didn’t want him to spend lots of money on me…’ Honour said and her eyes didn’t meet Flo’s. ‘Do you think he has thrown me over?’

  ‘Well, for a girl who was all set to get married next summer, you don’t sound very sure of him.’ Flo touched her arm. ‘Roy seemed sincere to me, dearest, and he’s been courtin’ you for a while now. Give it a few more days before you start breakin’ your heart. After all, if he doesn’t come back he’s not worth your tears…’

  ‘You don’t know what it’s like to love someone so much you can’t bear not to be near them,’ Honour said sharply. ‘This shop is your life…’

  ‘Yes, it has had to be,’ Flo said and turned away before her own tears welled up. Honour had no idea of how she was hurting her. ‘Well, listen out for Dad please. I’ll be back by a quarter to eleven…’

  Picking up her coat, Flo hurried from the house before she said something she might regret. Honour was upset and hadn’t meant to hurt Flo. Perhaps it wouldn’t have hurt so much if Robbie hadn’t come back into her life. Seeing him in her home, talking to him and being near enough to touch, had set off memories she’d buried deep inside her, and she’d spent half that night crying into her pillow. If only he hadn’t gone off and deserted her when she was sixteen, giving her no choice but to do what her mother had told her was the only way.

  She remembered the look of disappointment in her mother’s eyes when she’d discovered Flo being sick in the toilet, the way she’d dictated how things would be in a cold, stern manner that made Flo freeze inside.

  ‘I can’t believe that my daughter would do such a thing,’ she’d told Flo in her first shock. ‘Behaving like a filthy little whore – and sneaking out to meet some beast of a man, who doesn’t even have the decency to stand by you! I hope you’re ashamed of yourself, Flo, because I am – but you won’t shame me before the world. You’ll stay in this house and out of sight until the child is born and I shall let everyone think I’m carrying my husband’s child – and that’s the way it will always be. Ernest is away working up north. He’ll believe it when I tell him we’re havin’ another child and so will everyone else. Once you’ve got over the birth I’ll let you work in the shop sometimes, but you will go nowhere without me. I’ll take you to church to beg for forgiveness, but you’ve shown you can’t be trusted, so you will stay in this house and work. No respectable man would want you in his life to shame him with a bastard child. So I’ll protect you from your father’s anger and the scorn of the rest of the world, but you will never go dancing again. I was a fool to spoil you by giving you freedom and nice clothes.’

  Flo had felt the shame of letting her mother down. It stung far more than her father’s belt would have done, and sometimes, when she’d seen him looking at her oddly, she’d thought she would prefer his anger to her mother’s cold disgust. Looking back on her life now, she wished she’d defied her mother and let the world know that she had a child, but it was too late now. She’d been a young and very frightened girl when Robbie left her to face her disgrace alone, and now that she was old enough to do as she pleased there was nothing left but the shop and caring for her father and Honour.

  Walking into the warmth and noise of the mission, Flo’s spirits lifted and she forgot the pain that had been so sharp earlier. She had so much to be thankful for when compared with the people she saw here – people dressed in patched and worn clothing, who often had nothing to eat and nowhere to sleep but the streets or, at best, a hostel. The food and pleasure this evening of entertainment gave them meant everything and Flo felt glad to be a part of it.

  ‘Miss Hawkins,’ John Hansen greeted her warmly as always. ‘How go
od of you to come out on such a cold night!’

  ‘I wouldn’t have missed it for the world,’ Flo said and smiled. He was such a kind man, to her and to all the people he helped. She had always liked him and working here was a pleasure. ‘You’re full to bursting tonight…’

  ‘It’s all the children,’ John told her, his eyes sparkling with enthusiasm. ‘Some weeks we just get the card players and the tombola enthusiasts but tonight everyone knows it’s the Christmas party.’

  Flo looked about her. Paper decorations had been looped about the dreary hall, brightening its dull greyness, and the little Christmas tree in the far corner was hung with tinsel and lit with tiny wax candles that flickered in the slight breeze from the door. A large sack of what looked suspiciously like presents was set by the tree and she knew that somehow John had raised the money for this evening as well as the Christmas dinner for the homeless.

  ‘How did you do all this?’ she asked, looking at the plates of sausage rolls, little cakes and sandwiches.

  ‘People were kind – like you, Miss Hawkins. Your Christmas cake has pride of place, but other people helped – and I had a donation of twenty-five pounds, more than the sum we lost. It enabled me to buy the small gifts I had hoped to provide this evening and still keep to my plans for the Christmas dinner.’

  ‘That was kind,’ Flo said, because few people in this area had the money to give a donation of that size. A cake or a few sausage rolls or perhaps half a crown, but twenty-five pounds was a small fortune. No wonder John was looking so pleased with life. ‘How extraordinary that you should receive such a gift…’

  ‘Mr Rolf said that someone had told him of our loss and he wanted to help in a personal way. He is a businessman and sits on the board of the Church Commissioners, but I had never met him until the other day when he came to inspect the work we’d had done.’