Head Over Heels

by Ford, Brenda

  It happened before gym class, just as I was innocently getting changed, not really thinking about anything in particular. Tammy and her friends circled me when I was only in my underwear and they began to taunt me. I was already crying before it got physical, so by the time they got me on the floor and they pulled my bra off to snatch a picture of my breasts to share in the school, I was a wreck. Too sad to even begin fighting back.

  The constant comments that came after were almost as bad as the actual incident. It was the teasing and the knowledge that everyone had seen me half naked which brought on the panic attacks. I didn’t intend to tell anyone until my mother nearly sent me to hospital one night because she thought that I was having heart problems… then it all came out. The whole sorry embarrassing mess. She even found some of the pictures online and created hell up. There were issues at the school, the police were involved, it got totally crazy, and I was in the middle of it all just hating my body for allowing people to treat me like that. I didn’t realize then that none of it was my fault and that it was all theirs. They were responsible for what they did to me.

  I left school after that and started online classes so I could focus on my education instead of the bullying which was good for me actually. It helped me to get over it and to rebuild my confidence. Now, I feel so much better in myself, so much happier. I don’t care what they did to me, it was just a blip, it doesn’t matter, but I am still glad to go and get away from it all. I don’t know about Seth’s suggestion of getting friends though because it will take a lot for me to trust anyone again, to let anyone in. And that’s just friendship, never mind anything else. Romance isn’t even in the cards for me, I don’t think. I do like the idea of romance, but the reality is too much. I might get over with what happened, but I’m still very careful with my body and I won’t let just anyone have it.

  Who knows though? Maybe we will move and me and Rosie will get on like a house on fire. Perhaps I will make a whole bunch of friends and I will also fall in love as well. It doesn’t seem likely, but it isn’t impossible either. Plenty of damaged people end up meeting someone and living out a happy ever after…

  Oh God, you idiot. I shake my head at myself. Who the fuck are you, Ellie? Love? Happy ever after?

  I don’t even know if I believe in all of that crap. I certainly haven’t had any role models in that department. My father hasn’t been around much in my life at all. He was in and out of it before Mom got pregnant with Seth, and unfortunately, she continued to let him until he disappeared for good after Seth’s birth.

  As far as I know, they even tried to find him for us to live with him after they learned about her death, but he is untraceable. Thank goodness. Because that would be the worst choice ever. He isn’t a good man at all. Even during the short periods in which he has been around, he’s been dreadful, and it would kill me to live with him. He’s just nothing and nowhere which is for the best. Me and Seth will be better off alone. Especially if the rumors about him being a massive junkie are true. None of us need that in our lives.

  “We should get packed up; don’t you think?” I finally say to Seth. “Get everything ready to head to the train station because we don’t want to miss our ride. It’s going to be a long day.”

  “Are we going to be okay?” Seth asks me, a question that’s far too deep for a nine year old really. Luckily, I’m totally fine with him leaning on me and needing me to be there for him.

  “Oh, we’ll be fine,” I reassure him. “I will make sure of it. Don’t you worry about a thing.”

  He will worry though. Seth is a bit of a worrier, that’s within his nature. The only thing that I can do is show him when we get there. When he’s settled in at our auntie’s home and he has started at his school, he will finally be okay. I just hope that he finds the school as nice as I have promised him that it will be and that he gets some good friends. There might be people like Tammy there because they are at every school, but I hope that he manages to avoid them and keep his head down. I want him to get through his education just like he has been doing here. Of course, his mom dying like that is going to affect him, there’s no way that it can’t, but I would love to make it minimal. I would love for him to carry on just normally as much as he can.

  I will do this for you, Mom, I think with my eyes darting towards the sky. I will…

  God, I hate that she’s gone. It makes me so sad to lose her in such a sudden way, but I am just getting on with it. Putting my head down and carrying on like she would need me to. Keeping strong for Seth.

  We head inside and gather up the rest of our belongings, silently saying our goodbyes to the house as we do, and we head back outside just in time for the cab to arrive to pick us up. Rosie did offer to come and pick us up. She also offered to stay and help us after the funeral, but I can’t stop myself from being proud and wanting to do everything all by myself. I told her no which is why we’re getting the train, but that’s okay. It’s better this way because soon we will be doing everything alone. I’m starting as I mean to go on.

  “Is there anyone you want to say goodbye to?” Seth asks as we drive away, almost as if he doesn’t realize that it’s too late now. “I said goodbye to everyone at school the other day.”

  “I’m good.” I lean my head back against the head rest. “I’m looking forward to the adventure.”

  But as we drive along, my blood runs ice cold as I recognize which way we’re going. I forgot to tell the taxi driver not to pass Fall Lane which means I’m going to have to see the area of the accident. I haven’t done that yet, even when it was recommended for me to do so, and I really don’t want to do that now… but I’m going to have to.

  “Fuck,” I whisper as I see the bundles of flowers on the side walk. “Oh my God.”

  I see the scene coming to life in front of my eyes, which is why I never wanted to see it. Mom with her bags of groceries and her head down, just walking home from work, tired after a long shift, and the speeding car veering off the road to hit her and crush her against the wall, splattering too much blood everywhere, causing everyone around her who witnessed it to scream out in sheer horror. I suppose the only good thing was that she died instantly so she didn’t suffer, but it still destroys me to think about it. She was alone. She shouldn’t have been alone. No one should have to die alone.

  I need to get out of here, I need to go forever and never look back. This place is toxic and too bad for me. It holds no good memories. I want something new; I want to open up and try again, I need this new life.

  Chapter Three

  Oliver

  “What are you doing?” Alex groans while lying on the couch. “I’m tired and trying to sleep here on the couch. Why do you keep pulling the curtains open to stare through the window?”

  “It’s One O’clock in the afternoon, Alex. Maybe you should get your ass up already.”

  “I was playing a gig late last night.” He pushes a pillow over his face. “I’m fucking shattered.”

  “This is a big ass house.” My parents left us with this house with plenty of space for all six of us. A successful company too which Brad now runs and me and Angelo work for. “There are plenty of bedrooms to rest.”

  “There are also plenty of places for you to do… whatever the hell it is that you are doing.”

  “I’m trying to see what’s going on at Rosie’s house. Her cousin is coming over today and this is the only room where I can see her without being spotted. Rosie doesn’t want me to get involved in this family stuff.”

  “So, why the hell are you so worried then?” Alex moaned. “Just leave her alone, will you?”

  I roll my eyes and ignore Alex. He honestly has no idea what is going on with me and I’m not about to let him in. I’m not usually self-centered, but for the time being, I just want to do what I need to.

  “Is Rosie’s boyfriend out there?” he snapped, clearly starting to get angry with me.

  “Yeah, Tristan is out there.” I’m annoyed because I feel like I
am much closer to the Clark family than he is because I have been around the whole time, but that’s what Rosie wants. A cynical part of me believes that it’s for self-preservation. Rosie doesn’t want Tristan to get to know me because she might need me to pretend being her boyfriend again, in case she needs him to be jealous. “He’s making his appearance known.”

  “You sound jealous,” Alex snapped. “Do you like Rosie or something? Because I hate to tell you this, Oliver, but there is such a thing as the friend zone, and you are firmly in it.”

  “Thank you, Einstein, that’s a really useful bit of information. I’m not into anyone yet.”

  “So, you’re just being like a gossipy old woman then, twitching the curtains.”

  I shake my head and ignore that. Alex wants to get a rise out of me, and I’m not going to give him the satisfaction. It’s not my fault that he’s in a mood or tired or whatever. He can stew on his own negative energy as much as he wants. I’m going to sit here and watch until I see something happen. I feel like I am very involved in this situation because I was there when she got the news. I helped Rosie get ready for the funeral, I have been in the house and helped set it up for Ellie and Seth… now I want to see how it plays out.

  All of a sudden, my heart stops beating as I see Tristan pull Rosie in for a kiss. I thought that the time when I kissed her, she had the most intense thing ever but seeing them share this moment takes that away. I even see more feeling there and it takes my breath away. There’s a real connection between them.

  “Are you okay?” Alex asks again. “Now you’ve gone all weird, what have you seen?”

  “Nothing worth you getting up for,” I insist. “I haven’t seen anything.”

  Am I jealous? I wonder as I cock my head to one side. Do I want to be Tristan?

  I always thought that seeing them together would crush me, but it isn’t really. I’m just numb and quiet, witnessing the worst happening, and it isn’t really bothering me. I’m just empty. I do want that for myself, but I don’t want it with Rosie. Sure, I did, but now I know that I wouldn’t ever feel comfortable with her. I wouldn’t ever be able to trust if she ever wants me. I would never be able to just relax.

  Maybe I’m over her. Maybe all the years of thinking that I’m in love with her have gone and at last we can just be friends. That’s good really, it makes life so much easier. It means I can actually move on as well. I can start thinking of myself being with other women which is wonderful. It’s exciting, thrilling, mind blowing.

  Who will I end up with? I wonder, leaning back for just a second. What sort of person?

  I can’t even really begin to daydream about it, because it’s been such a long time. I can’t even imagine what sort of woman will end up in my arms. I just don’t know. There have been a couple of women at work who have tried to flirt with me, but I have always pushed them away. It might be time to change that, to open up to them and see where it might go. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to date people I work with, but I have to try something.

  All of a sudden, everything changes outside which captures my attention all over again. I sit up straighter and watch as the cab pulls to a halt and two people step out. A young light colored hair boy who looks like his world has crumbled in around him, clearly Seth, steps out, followed by a curvy, red lipped woman with long blonde hair hanging down to her ass. I’m shocked actually. I don’t know why but I just assumed that Ellie would be young as well. Two kids coming to live with their aunt, but Ellie is a woman. A grown up beautiful woman.

  “Woah,” I whisper, my heart racing faster. I don’t know why, but this changes things. Ellie being a grown up alters the dynamics around here. I would clearly be able to help a child who has lost his parents since I lost mine when I was young as well, but an adult is a different situation. Well, it might be easier as I can actually talk to about things… if Rosie lets me. Damn her, I should be out there right now. I should be greeting these people and building a friendship with them as well.

  “Let me see.” Alex might be tired, but he’s just as nosy as me and he bounds to his feet to see. “Oh, wow.”

  As I watch Ellie and Seth interact with their family, I can almost feel the pain radiating from them. I wonder if Alex can sense it too and he wants to go and help. He would have some good advice as well. But I don’t know if Alex is so much the giving out advice type. He’s better at trying to forget things.

  “I feel so bad for them,” I mutter quietly. “It must be so horrible for them right now.”

  “Their mom died? Is that what happened?” I nod. “Wow, that sucks, and what about their dad?”

  “I don’t know. Rosie hasn’t said anything about their father, so I guess he doesn’t count. It seems to me like they don’t really have anyone.” I pause. “Although I don’t imagine Ellie will stick around for long.”

  “You don’t think so?” Alex cocks an eyebrow at me. “She won’t stick around for her brother?”

  “Hmmm, that’s true. Maybe she will then. It seems like the Clark’s house is getting busier.”

  We sit in silence for a while and just watch as they take the bags of their cousins inside. Once it seems like they will all be in for good, Alex mumbles about heading off to bed so that he can get some rest, which leaves me alone. I feel like a fool still looking through the window when everyone else is done, but I can’t move, and I don’t know why. Now, for the first time ever, it isn’t Rosie plaguing my mind, it’s Ellie. Her cousin with her bright eyes despite her sadness and a strong sense of confidence surrounding her.

  She is kind of beautiful. Very beautiful actually. I think that she might be a little younger than Rosie, but not much, which is nice, and she’s fresh blood around the place. A small part of me considers her the way I was just thinking about the women from work, as someone that I could finally move on with, but I quickly push that thought aside. Her life has just been altered by a major death. The last thing that she wants is to think about dating. And that would just be too close of comfort anyway since she is Rosie’s cousin. Plus, just because she is stunning, it doesn’t mean that we would get along. She might not be the sort of person I like at all.

  No, if I’m really going to start dating someone, it needs to be someone totally different. Someone new.

  Just as I am finally about to give up my place at the window, I’m stopped by the sight of everyone coming back out again to sit on the patio furniture outside with mugs of coffee in their hands. Well, the adults anyway. Seth has a glass of juice and a football which he starts kicking around the garden.

  They sit around the table and have what appears to be a very intense conversation. Well, the women do. Tristan has a bored expression on his face and his cell phone clutched tightly between his fingers. Even from where I’m sitting, I can see that he’s messaging other people, not wanting to be around the situation. That angers me more. Why doesn’t he want to be around for his girlfriend and her family? He has a lot to make up for, so why doesn’t he care? I would care, I would want to help… but I’m stuck here.

  Why am I stuck here? Why am I just going along with what Rosie wants me to do? What is that all about? I don’t have to stay indoors just because she doesn’t want her boyfriend to know that I’m the one she used to make him jealous. What the fuck is all that about? I can help and I want to. Plus, if Ellie and Seth are going to live around us then I should get to know them both.

  I stomp towards the front door, determined to go outside, but then I stop myself at the very last moment. I can’t go outside and jump in the middle of everything because that would be crazy. Rosie will hate me and kick my ass. She will never be able to trust me again and I’ll hear all about it. It’s wiser and easier to just listen to her and do what she wants because that’s what friends do. That’s the right thing to do. It isn’t my mess, it’s their family’s drama, and they need to deal with it completely in their own way.

  So, why the hell are my feet moving again? All that rationality and I’m still goin
g outside? Yep, now the door is swinging open and I’m headed towards the post box as if I’m looking for a letter or something. I can already feel the eyes of the Clark family upon me, wondering what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know either, which is why my heart is hammering hard against my rib cage and my head is spinning.

  I turn slowly, knowing that I need to face them eventually and I offer a smile and a half wave. Rosie raises her hand to sort of wave back to me, but I can see the fury in her eyes. She’s fuming at me for standing outside and I’m definitely going to hear about it later…

  Oh, but Ellie is waving at me too and she’s smiling. She has a really beautiful smile actually. The heart stopping kind.

  Chapter Four

  Ellie

  Who is this? I think as I wave at the handsome stranger who’s standing outside the home next to Rosie’s. He is nice looking. Very nice looking actually. My heart races hard. I like him a lot.

  I can’t believe this. I have only been out of my hometown for a few moments and I have already found someone that I actually really like the looks of. Its freeing being away from all of that shit. It’s liberating and exciting. I don’t know if it’s this man or the new place that’s making my heart race.

  “Oh my God,” Rosie whispers, more to herself than anyone else. “What is he doing?”

  “Who the fuck is that?” Tristan demands, finally looking up from his phone screen. “I recognize him.”

  “Surely you must know him if he lives next door to your girlfriend?” I roll my eyes. “Weirdo.”

  I don’t like Tristan. Instantly, I get a bad feeling from him, but of course I can’t say anything and be too rude because he’s Rosie’s boyfriend and she seems to really love him, even if he is a dick. Rosie and her mom are helping me and Seth at the moment, so I need to keep things calm. I have to be polite for just a while until my eighteenth birthday hits and we can finally move out. Then I can say whatever I want to.