ZAAN (Sidewinders: Generations Book 1)

by Kat Mizera

  “What’s going on?” I asked as she padded into the room and leaned against the counter.

  “Looks like the bitch brigade let the cat out of the bag that I’ve left the band and there’s a media shitstorm.” Lexi was scrolling her phone.

  “Who runs your career?” I asked. “Like the person you trust the most?”

  “My agent.”

  “What’s her name?”

  “Tawdra Marino.”

  “Call her. Find out what’s happening.”

  Lexi nodded. “Yeah, but—” She looked down as her phone rang. “And there she is.” She answered on speakerphone. “Hey, Tawdra.”

  “Jesus fucking Christ, what in the ever-loving fuckballs is going on right now?” Tawdra sounded pissed.

  “I had a huge blowout with the band last night so I got off the bus and flew home to Vegas. I went straight to bed. I had no idea anyone knew anything until I woke up this morning.”

  “Lexi, how could you walk out like that?”

  “I told you I was miserable. I told you I wasn’t going to allow them to continue to harass and bully me day in and day out. You never listen to me.”

  “Doll, shit happens on tour. You know that. But you can’t just—”

  “Not this kind of shit. Not the constant abuse, trying to force me to sleep with their boyfriends, chasing me around with used heroin needles. I’m done. Out. Finished. I don’t give a fuck.”

  “Lexi, you have a contract and it’s pretty ironclad. If you walk away, you could spend the next ten years in court.”

  “I don’t care.”

  “You have to care.”

  “But I don’t. You all had to know this was coming. However, I’m not the one who leaked this to the press. That was all the other girls.”

  Tawdra blew out a breath. “Honey, I want to help, but contractually, you could be fucked.”

  “Can you try to help me fix it? I’m exhausted and need a break. Even a few weeks off would help, but I’m going to use that time to find a loophole to get out of this contract.”

  “Okay.” Tawdra paused. “Let me make some calls, get a feel for what the other side is saying.”

  Lexi disconnected and looked at me. “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry? For what?” I asked.

  “For dragging you into the shitstorm that’s about to be my life.”

  “What else do I have to do other than hockey? And your situation doesn’t impact that.”

  “I don’t know.” She cocked her head. “You hesitated last night when I asked you if you had a girlfriend… Were you not telling me the whole truth?”

  I chuckled. “There’s no one important in my life. There can’t be.”

  “Why not?”

  Her blue eyes pierced mine but I refused to let her directness intimidate me. My feelings for her had never changed and I refused to pretend they had. “Because no one else is you.”

  3

  Lexi

  For long seconds, neither of us moved. My eyes were fixed on his, myriad emotions shooting through me as I tried to assimilate the gist of what he’d just told me. What was he talking about? Why would I have any impact on his relationships with other women? He was the one who’d left me, after all.

  “You look like I just kicked your puppy,” he said after a bit.

  I wasn’t sure what to say. “Last time we broke up, you told me you couldn’t wait for me, that it was too hard being apart. But now you’re saying you can’t get serious with other women because of me?”

  “You’re my soulmate,” he said softly. “No amount of distance between us will ever change that.”

  “But you broke up with me,” I countered.

  “You didn’t protest,” he shot back. “You agreed that it was too hard, that we were living completely separate lives, and that it was better that way.”

  I sighed and then looked away. I had too much going on for a conversation like this right now. Luckily, he could still read my mind.

  “Am I taking you to your dad’s?”

  “I have to call him.” My phone rang as I said the words, the word “Dad” flashing on the screen. “Hey, Dad.”

  “Lexi, thank god. What’s going on?”

  I gave him a brief recap of the events of the last eighteen hours or so. “I’m at Zaan’s, but I’ll come over once I make a few calls.”

  “I’m just glad you’re okay. I didn’t know what to make of those news reports. One report said you were on some kind of bender, while another said you quit the band.”

  “I’m trying to quit the band,” I said sadly, “but Tawdra thinks it’s going to be a big battle.”

  “Shit.”

  “Let me get a few things done and I’ll be over in a bit, okay?”

  “Whatever you need, kiddo. I love you.”

  “I love you too.” I hung up and leaned over, resting my head on Zaan’s shoulder. “I’m overwhelmed.”

  “I’m sorry, hon.” He wrapped an arm around me. “I’ve gotten a few texts from guys on the team since we got up, so news is traveling fast.”

  “We need to finish the conversation we were having before, but not now. I just…I have to deal with all of this and I don’t know how I’m going to get to my dad’s if the press is camped out looking for me.”

  “We can go over to Cody’s and have your dad meet us there. They won’t be expecting that, and they probably wouldn’t think to look for you there. Let me make a couple of calls and I’ll take care of it.”

  “Thank you.” I wrapped my arms around his neck and held on tightly. I never wanted to let go. He’d always been not just my rock, but a piece of me. Our on-and-off relationship had been complicated and draining, but the moment I heard his voice, felt his touch, was merely in the same room with him, I fell in love all over again. His presence made me feel whole in ways nothing else did, my soul immediately joining his no matter how many times we broke up or took a “break.”

  We got to Cody’s house and luckily, there didn’t appear to be any sign of the press. I didn’t see my father’s car, but Cody probably had him pull into the garage. Zaan stopped in the driveway and smiled at me. “I’ll see you soon, Lex.”

  “You’re not coming in?” I whispered, looking at him almost desperately.

  “Do you want me to?” He seemed confused.

  “I… Yes. But I understand if you have other things to do.”

  “No, I’m off today, but…” He looked thoughtful but finally turned off his truck. “Okay, let’s go inside before someone sees you.”

  “Thank you.” I felt so much better knowing he would be with me. I loved my dad and stepmom, and Cody and his wife, Suze, were lovely as well, but Zaan was…my other half. Part of me in every way imaginable. After our big breakup fifteen months ago, I’d thought my heart would break too, but our bond never lessened. I needed him in my life, even if we were just friends, and it had to be mutual because we still talked, still texted, still kept in touch.

  Cody must have seen us pull up because he’d already opened the front door and we hurried inside. He lived in a gated community, but the press would find a way in if they suspected I was here. I still wasn’t used to this level of celebrity, but being on tour and then the occasional visits and vacations with my parents had shielded me from the worst of it.

  “So good to see you.” Suzanne Armstrong gave me a big hug and linked her arm through mine as we walked through the house and into the kitchen.

  “Dad.” I ran to my father, hugging him tightly. I didn’t even care that he was getting over a case of the flu. I just needed one of his hugs.

  “Damn, I’ve missed you.” My father had been a professional hockey player for twenty years and still coached. He was big, strong and vibrant at forty-two, and the only other time I’d ever seen him cry was the day the doctors told us I had breast cancer when I was sixteen. The diagnosis had come out of nowhere after an uncomfortable lump sent me to the doctor. It never occurred to any of us, not even my parents, that a teena
ger could get breast cancer, and while the resulting double mastectomy had undoubtedly saved my life, it had been the most terrifying thing I’d ever been through.

  “I’m okay, Dad.”

  “I know, but damn.” He swiped at his eyes and finally pulled away, looking into my eyes. “How are you, kiddo? You look tired.”

  “I am tired, but I’ll be okay.”

  “Hi, sweetie.” My stepmother was an amazing plastic surgeon I called Mack and we were pretty close considering I didn’t see her very often. She hugged me next and it felt so good to be with my family.

  “Have you called your mother?” Dad asked me.

  I nodded. “She was in a snit, so we didn’t talk long.” I sank onto the couch next to Zaan. “But that’s par for the course for us.”

  “I wish you’d try harder with her,” Dad said quietly. “She’s still your mom.”

  “She’s insane,” I told him. “And every time we talk, she asks for money or for something for the boys.” I was close to my two younger brothers, but my mom and I didn’t have much of a relationship anymore. She’d been overbearing and overprotective when I was growing up, and had pretty much smothered me after the breast cancer diagnosis.

  “So tell us what happened,” Mack said, perching on the edge of the couch next to me, one hand gently stroking my hair.

  My stepmother and I had a fantastic relationship, and I adored her. She hadn’t come into my life until I was sixteen, but she was so much more my mother than my actual mother, it was a little sad. I loved her, though, and she loved my dad, which made me happy.

  I told them about the drugs and the partying, how everything had begun to intensify until I couldn’t take it anymore, and how the notification on my phone had alerted me to the fact that the Sidewinders were in Fort Lauderdale when I was. Beyond that, they knew as much as I did.

  “According to what I’ve seen on the news,” Dad said, “most of the reports say you walked out on the band after your show in Miami, and both Tayla and Marj said you were mad because you only want to use songs you’ve written for your solo career.”

  “Well, I do, but I keep all those songs for myself. Most of the songs I perform with Special Kay were written specifically for them. I want to do hard rock when I go solo.”

  “What does Tawdra say?” Dad asked.

  “She texted me a copy of the press release she’s about to put out, saying I’m exhausted and losing my voice, so I got off the bus to seek medical attention. Beyond that, I’ve stayed away from the news and everything. I’m overwhelmed.”

  “Of course you are.” Suze came into the room with a tray of pastries. “But food will help. I’m making waffles. Anyone interested?”

  Cody laughed. “You’re kidding, right?”

  “I can eat,” Zaan said.

  “You can always eat,” I teased him.

  His eyes met mine and we smiled.

  “This will probably be a media shitstorm for you,” Dad said, “and you’ll have to do some interviews.”

  I shook my head. “I’m going to lie low for a while. Tawdra announced I’m resting my voice, so I can catch my breath for a few days.”

  “Are you staying here for a while?” Mack asked.

  “If you guys don’t mind having me?” I looked from her to my dad.

  Dad smiled. “We never mind. Our home is your home.”

  I leaned back on the couch and sighed heavily. It wasn’t a lie that I was mentally and emotionally drained. I needed a break so badly, and while it was good to be here with my family and friends, I wanted to be alone for a few days. Technically, I could check into a hotel somewhere and hole up, but my dad would be hurt and it wasn’t like he or Mack would bother me. My only concern was if the press found me there and stalked the house. They lived in a gated community as well, but the paparazzi could be relentless when they were on a mission.

  “I don’t even have any clothes,” I said after a moment. “I left everything on the bus except what I had in my backpack.”

  “I can pick up a few things for you at the mall,” Mack said.

  “And the drug store,” I said. “I had to use Zaan’s AXE shampoo this morning.” I gave him a nudge and he grinned.

  “What’s wrong with AXE?” he demanded.

  “I smell like you now.”

  Our eyes met again and we just exchanged one of those deep, telling glances, one of many things that indicated how well we knew each other.

  Damn, it felt good to laugh with him. Just being in the same room with him was heavenly. And I desperately wanted to finish our conversation from earlier.

  “You can use my shampoo tomorrow,” Mack said, “and rush an online order of your favorites to be delivered in a day or so.”

  I nodded. “Yeah, I need to do that ASAP.”

  We had breakfast and talked some more about everything that had gone crazy on the tour and then Zaan asked the question I’d been avoiding.

  “So what happens with your contract?”

  “I don’t know,” I admitted. “My lawyer said we’d have to build a case using documented incidents of physical violence, sexual harassment, and things like that. There’s a video of Tayla attacking me backstage after a show.”

  “Did you kick her ass?” Zaan asked quietly.

  I grinned. “Well, she never did it again, though she tried to stab me with a used needle a few times.” I made a face. “She was…difficult. They were all difficult. Hence why I’m in this situation.”

  After we ate, Mack and Suze cleaned up the kitchen while I wandered out back. Though it was chilly in Las Vegas this time of year, I needed some air. The guys were talking hockey, which was okay because I didn’t want any more focus on me, but it was a little disconcerting. For the last four years, my life had been nothing but Special Kay. We’d either been touring or in the studio nonstop. I’d had no vacations beyond a long weekend here and there, no time to myself, no nothing. The one time I’d come home for ten days in the summer, Zaan had been in Norway with his family, so it had been ages since we’d been together like this. In fact, the last time had been about fifteen months ago, when he’d shown up after a show and broken up with me.

  I’d understood. Our relationship had started in the summer of the year I’d been eighteen turning nineteen and he’d already turned nineteen. I’d been struggling with the residual effects of breast cancer, a double mastectomy, chemotherapy and radiation. I’d felt ugly and sickly, as if the cancer had taken everything from me. Zaan hadn’t just made me feel beautiful and feminine again, he’d loved me. Really, truly loved me. And he’d gotten me through that year.

  Then an opportunity fell into my lap that I couldn’t ignore, couldn’t walk away from. Special Kay was a five-piece female singing group whose gimmick was that the “lead” singer was always the one named Kay. The special one. When one of the members temporarily lost her voice, I’d gotten the chance of a lifetime. And then the woman who’d been Kay at the time, Annie, had committed suicide by overdose. I’d been offered a contract, we’d eventually become a four-piece group, and the rest, as they say, was history. I’d risen to fame and taken on the role of Kay, singing and writing tunes that were a little edgier than the bubblegum pop they’d originally been known for. But fans loved it and our popularity grew exponentially.

  I’d loved it at first too, even though it kept me from Zaan and had ultimately been the end of us. I’d been caught up in fame and success and life on the road. He’d been home in Vegas, focused on hockey. Somehow, we hadn’t been able to make it work and fifteen months ago he’d shown up after a gig and ended it. We’d remained friends, even tried getting back together once, but it hadn’t been the same. The problem was that I’d never been able to move on. I met hot, interesting men all the time, but my one and only short-lived relationship had proven that I wasn’t interested in or ready to be with anyone else. I’d only slept with three men in my life: my high school sweetheart, Zaan, and a fellow musician named Declan James. He’d been nice, the sex
had been good, but every time he was inside of me, I pictured Zaan’s face, and though I’d never done anything embarrassing like calling out his name, it was obvious to Declan my heart wasn’t in it.

  Now I was here and Zaan had said something that gave me hope, but my life was such a disaster, I wasn’t sure he’d be any more willing to be involved with me now than he’d been fifteen months ago.

  “Hey.” Zaan came outside and walked over to me. “I was going to take off. Do you need anything?”

  I swallowed down the word “you” and shook my head. “No, I’m okay. Thank you. For everything.”

  “Of course.” He dug out his keys and then leaned over to brush his lips across my cheek. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

  He turned to go just as I asked, “When?”

  4

  Zaan

  I paused, glancing back over my shoulder. “What?”

  “When will we talk?” she whispered, her bright blue eyes meeting mine.

  “Whenever you want. I have a morning skate tomorrow and a game tomorrow night, then practice the following day, but I can make time in between. Are you going to the game tomorrow?”

  “I want to but…” She gave a little shrug. “I’m not sure if I should.”

  “No one would probably notice you up in the owner’s box.”

  “Yeah, but I don’t want to invite myself.”

  “I’ll ask Mr. Finch for you.” I squeezed her hand. “And just call if you need me.”

  “We have to finish our talk.”

  My heart lurched a little, excitement flowing through me, but I had to slow down, keep things mellow. I’d loved her too hard, for too long, to let her get too close if she was just going to rip my heart out again. Even though I’d been the one to end it, the reason I’d done it was because she never had time for me. For us. When I was working, she was working. When I was off, she was working. On the rare occasion she had a few days to herself, we tended to be on opposite sides of the world. We’d tried to make it work so many times, but always fell into a long-distance situation that made me miserable. Until we talked, at least, I had to keep a tight rein on my emotions.