I pay attention to how much my dates tip servers, if I’m able to do so without being super obvious about it. I also notice how they treat servers and bartenders. Are they kind and appreciative? Do they make eye contact and say thank you? Are they dismissive?
How a man treats people says a lot about him. When I’m on a date with a man who smiles at our server, makes eye contact and conversation with them, comments on how great the food was, and then leaves a good tip, I’m interested in getting to know him better.
Ask your date what charities he likes to support. If he says none, he just told you something about himself. Does he talk about friends and family? If so, how? You can tell a lot about a man by how he feels about others and by how much time he spends with the people in his life.
Don’t Go There
The first date is a chance to keep getting to know each other. It’s not your moment to word vomit your entire relationship history and frustration with dating.
If your date asks you about past relationships, keep your responses general. This isn’t the right time to spill your guts about who cheated on you and why that guy is a complete asshole. Do you want to hear about his exes? Of course not—this date is about the two of you.
I once had a date take me to a restaurant and tell me as we were seated that it was where he’d had his wedding reception. I smiled—awkwardly, I’m sure)—and he asked me if I wanted to see photos.
“Do you . . . want to show me photos?” I asked, kind of dumbstruck.
He got out his phone and did. And I knew, then and there, that he was So. Not. Over. It.
Again, this is an example of me listening. He didn’t even really get that he wasn’t over it, so I couldn’t have expected him to tell me. But he definitely showed me.
Paying the Check
I know there are different schools of thought on this, but here’s my take. A really good guy who is into you and is a gentleman will pay for the first date. I’m wholly unimpressed by men who leave the check on the table even as the server comes back several times to see if we’ve gotten out a payment method. More than once, I’ve picked up the check in this situation because someone has to pay, and clearly, he’s not going to.
Those guys are very, very unlikely to get a second date with me. Ditto on guys who want to split the check. If that’s okay with you, more power to you. I’m fine with you splitting checks if that’s truly your prerogative. But I’m not okay with you paying more than your fair share to date anyone.
I don’t care how great he is. I don’t care if he’s in between jobs. I don’t care if he thanks you for buying dinner. A man who wants you paying his way is not good enough for you. There are lots of men out there who would love a chance to take you out. Date those guys, okay?
And that’s all I have to say about that.
That Awkward Goodnight
No matter how great your first date is, it must come to an end. After two or three hours of great conversation, it’s time to tell your date you’ve had a lovely time and you need to go.
If he also had a great time, he may not want the evening to end. He may ask you back to his place or try to get invited to yours.
Don’t do it, girl. This may be the man you’ve been waiting for. He may be the best guy you’ve ever been out with. You may be feeling the chemistry in a big way. But. Don’t. Do. It.
A good guy will walk you to your car, say goodnight, and maybe hug you or kiss you. That’s completely okay with me, as long as you want those things. A good guy may even suggest that the night doesn’t have to end, but he will easily accept you turning him down.
I’m not saying that if you guys go back to his place or yours, you’ve given implicit permission for sex. That is never, ever the case. But you just met this guy. It’s way too soon to put yourself in a position like that.
Anyone who tries to pressure you into more after you’ve said no is not a good guy. No matter how much you think you like him, listen to him. By pressuring you, he’s saying, “I don’t respect you. I think my physical desires are more important than your comfort. I feel entitled to more than you want to give me.”
Girl, do not go out with that guy again. I mean it. I’ll come to your house and give you the mom look if you do. You’re too good for that, and you know it.
If you want him to ask you out again, leave him wanting more. You’ll be glad you did when you get that text as soon as he gets back to his car or as soon as he gets home, telling you what a great time he had.
If you want to be valued by a man, you have to value yourself. You want him to chase after you like the prize you are? Don’t fall at his feet.
Occupation: Professional—a man’s profile on a site I belong to
THE FIRST DATE was great . . . or not. Either way, you did it, and I’m proud of you! It’s one thing to want a partner in life, but it’s another to put yourself out there and really try to get one.
Let’s start with what happens when it wasn’t what you were hoping. Maybe you weren’t feeling him, or maybe you picked up on him not feeling you. Maybe both.
If you don’t want him to reach out again, hopefully, he won’t. But if he does, my advice is to respond kindly but honestly. Something like this:
Him: Hey, I had a great time the other night. Love to see you again.
You: Hey, thanks again for dinner. I don’t think we’re a match, but you’re a great person, and I’d love to consider you my friend.
See how you can be clear without being horrible? You don’t need to be specific about why he isn’t for you. In fact, don’t be, even if he asks. After one date, you don’t owe him that. You do owe him basic kindness, though. Don’t just ignore him. One message letting him know it’s not going to work out is not asking too much.
Maybe you’re hoping for a message asking about another date, and you don’t get one. That really sucks. But you’re still reaching out to other men on the dating site and responding to messages, so another date will happen with someone new.
Odd as this may sound, I’ve had some great dates come out of down phases. A traditionally handsome guy ghosted on me once, and I went back to the dating site with a fresh mind-set. Looks aren’t everything, I told myself. I want someone smart, caring, successful, and happy.
With that attitude, I reached out to a man I didn’t find all that physically attractive but who sounded amazing in his summary. And he ended up being great. Super successful and kind. I nearly overlooked him, too. We didn’t work out, but we dated for a little while, and I learned from that whole experience.
If you take nothing else away from this book, please listen to me on this: men who get overlooked in the looks department are often true gems. They are likely to shower you with affection and look at you like they’ve never seen a more beautiful woman. These guys don’t move from woman to woman when they get bored. Often, they just want a woman to adore and take care of, who will appreciate them for who they really are.
Just like men, women can stereotype. But smart women are open-minded, because they know what’s really important. A “nerdy” engineer, lawyer, or doctor? Sign. Me. Up.
But I digress. We need to talk about what happens when date #1 was great. You want to see him again, and he wants to see you too.
Woo-hoo!
When you’re seeking a life partner and you find someone who seems like they could be The One, it’s an amazing feeling. I don’t want to take away from that. If you and your new beau want to text constantly and see each other often, I’m all for it.
But. You knew there was going to be a but, didn’t you?
Be careful. Don’t go all in with your heart after just one date, or even two or three. It takes time to find out who someone really is. In the beginning, everyone is putting their best foot forward. I find it takes at least a month for the initial fairy dust to settle. Hopefully, things will stay great. But be smart. Keep paying attention. You deserve to be a priority in your guy’s life. With time, he should value you more, not less.
Maybe you want to cancel your dating account, give the site the ol’ double middle fingers and a big Peace Out. But don’t do that yet. No matter how great things are going, don’t close the door on other options quite yet.
Just because you’re crazy about this guy and you don’t want to date others, don’t assume he’s also not dating others. And no, you may not ask him if you’re exclusive after only a couple of dates. You don’t know him well enough yet.
If it’s right, it will stay right. There won’t be a sense of urgency to lock anyone down—on your part or on his. Emotionally healthy people don’t jump into commitment.
Enjoy this part. If this is the right guy for you, it will feel joyful. You’ll feel that anticipation between dates. He will let you know he feels it too. You won’t be left wondering. The two of you are growing into a place where you are able to talk about anything. If you don’t have that, it’s a big red flag.
If You Have Kids
I’m going to talk about this more later, but I want to mention here that this initial stage of dating is not the time for you and your guy to meet each other’s children.
No matter how great it is so far, it’s too soon. Be smart. Even if he’s a widower with kids and you dream of being a mother, don’t take this step too early. It’s very, very important that the two of you be in a solid, committed relationship before involving kids.
Exactly how long does it take? Only the two of you can decide, but my advice is to take at least a couple months to date without meeting each other’s children. Remember, if it’s right, it’ll stay right. You need to be sure you really know a man and feel confident you two have a future before you let him into your kids’ lives. It’s something you can’t undo later.
Moving Forward
As the two of you get closer, remember: at any time, you may encounter something that’s a deal-breaker for you. If you do, don’t ignore it. Don’t tell yourself that dating sucks and this guy is better than no one.
You’ll never change him. You are dating who he is and who he always will be. Is this a man you’d feel proud to introduce to your friends and family? Does your tribe know all about him—the good and the bad, if there is any? Do they still approve?
There are things he can’t necessarily help. If he has a clingy, vindictive ex-wife, that’s mostly outside of his control. But it does affect you. Whether it’s within his control or not, you have a right to leave a relationship for any reason that is substantial to you. Don’t let yourself be guilted about it either.
Hopefully, things are going well. The two of you will have to make decisions together as you move forward. How often will you see each other? What will you do when you’re together? When will you have sex?
As you make these decisions, remember that while relationships are about compromise, you need to be comfortable and happy. Don’t have sex because he complains about not getting any. Don’t settle for seeing him infrequently because that’s all he wants.
If he doesn’t have time for you, ask yourself (and him) whether you’re a priority for him. The right guy will want to be with you often. He won’t pressure you into sex.
If it’s right, I’m thrilled for you. But it has to stay right. Don’t let a man take you for granted—ever.
And if not, keep trying. This ain’t your first rodeo. You’ll get wiser every time you start fresh.
“Although we had chemistry, he was offended that I would not swallow his cum—I mean genuinely hurt, stating he has many vitamins, nutrients, why did I not like it, etc. Maybe no one had refused him before? Yet, he refused to kiss me, even goodbye, after my lips touched his cock because it was ‘unclean’ to him.”—Maura, 41
WHEN I WAS new to the dating scene again, I experienced heartache pretty fast out of the gate. After that, I decided to cushion. Are you wondering what cushioning is? Well, the good news is, it’s not a kinky sex trick pioneered by yours truly.
Cushioning is something lots of women do, and I’m sure men do it as well. I think that, by and large, women’s reasons are a little more altruistic, though. If you’re a cushioner, you always have someone—preferably more than one—on deck.
If I had a first date lined up with someone, there would be other men I was in the messaging phase with. That way, if one didn’t work out, no worries! I had others to focus on. This is a way of shielding yourself from the potential hurt of something not working out.
Is cushioning emotionally healthy? I think it can be. When you’re in that stage of liking profiles, sending messages, texting, and meeting up for first dates, I say, keep your options open. Don’t zero in on one man, decide based on the fact that his profile says he likes dogs more than people that he has to be The One for you, and write off all others.
But it isn’t just cushioning that’s a thing these days. Have you ever been breadcrumbed? There’s dating terminology out there that I’m going to help you brush up on. It will enable you to slap a label on some of the not ready for an adult relationship types you may run into as you discuss them with your tribe.
DTR is short for “define the relationship.” And yo, don’t we all, in those early stages, have a burning desire to ask someone we’re really into what we actually are? Whether this is a casual thing or a thing-thing?
Love Bombing can be tough to acknowledge, because it can make you feel so good. This is when a man immediately showers you with time, attention, and affection. He’s all over you every day, even if it’s just by text some days. He quickly wants to get serious. Love bombing is intense, but it usually doesn’t last.
Breadcrumbing is when someone does just enough to keep you interested. Flirty texts one day, then nothing the next. Plans are generally impossible to nail down with a breadcrumber, because he doesn’t actually want to date you. He just wants you to want to date him.
Benching is very similar to breadcrumbing. A man may sideline you but not eject you from his game if he’s too busy or lazy to find someone else. You’re his backup girl.
Ghosting is when someone just disappears on you. They cut off contact without warning, leaving you wondering WTF just happened. And no, it doesn’t just happen if the first date wasn’t good. It can happen a month or more into a relationship. It’s a dick move, but also a sad reality in dating today.
Haunting happens when that ghost gets curious about you down the road. He checks out your social media, maybe sends a text out of the blue asking how you are.
Slow fade is just what it sounds like. He doesn’t want to end things abruptly, but he reaches out less and less frequently. He’s increasingly unavailable until you guys just aren’t seeing each other anymore. Dudes sometimes think this hurts women less, but it kinda doesn’t.
Submarining happens when a former love interest randomly pops back into your life. He probably won’t explain why he bailed in the first place.
Fuck Buddies/Fuck Friends/Friends with Benefits/FWB is when a man wants to drink the milk without even taking the cow out for a freaking dinner.
Stashing is when someone wants to be with you, but he never introduces you to his friends or family. Be very wary of this one; it can mean he’s hiding something important.
Catfishing is when a scammer purports to be someone they aren’t. And some of these people are good at it, you guys. Many others are dumbasses who claim to be brain surgeons. Still, be careful.
Getting Ghosted
Of all the lingo I included, the one I’ve had the most experience with is ghosting. It baffles me how you can have several dates with someone, things can be seemingly going well, and then they just disappear into thin air.
My friend Maura, a divorced forty-one—year-old nurse, had a painful experience with ghosting.
“I was set up with an office manager by a friend, whose mom had known him for ten years. Promising, right? They gave me their blessing, knowing I am a good woman. Our dates turned into a relationship, and we had so much fun because of his funny personality. He was a single dad, a good father. The kids
got along. Then one day, he just stopped talking to me out of the blue. He wouldn’t answer his phone or respond to my text messages—completely ignored me. My friend who introduced us was baffled. He wouldn’t talk about it with them, either. After being so hurt and angry, I finally left a heartfelt voice mail for him and never contacted him again. He contacted me after I moved out of state—five years later!—wanting to reconnect and was sorry for what he did, saying he missed our times together and hadn’t wanted it to end like that. He had remarried . . . while telling me how beautiful I was. Basically, I said, ‘Bye, Felicia!’”
My theory on ghosting is that it’s often the approach men take when they are talking to/dating multiple women and they find someone “better,” so they drop you without explanation. They either figure they don’t owe you an explanation, or they don’t want to have an uncomfortable conversation.
I’ve been ghosted and submarined. I’m pretty good at reading signals, so ghosting no longer surprises me. But when a man randomly reaches out again several months later and shows interest, it confounds me.
If you give a ghoster a second chance, how will you know he’s not just going to do it again? Emotionally healthy people are able to have difficult conversations. A man who cares about your feelings won’t just disappear and leave you wondering where he went.
Some people would say dating has evolved, and others would say it’s devolved. Technology can make it seem impersonal. The lingo used can seem like a way of slapping a label on shameful behavior and making light of it. But remember, you’re not a passive bystander. You get to choose what sites you sign up for, what messages you respond to, and what dates you want to go on.
Do You Like My Wiener?: A non-expert's no-nonsense guide to dating Page 4
