My experience has been that technology has made dating more impersonal to a degree, but it’s also a lot more direct and efficient. Stay focused on what’s important to you. Don’t focus on how technology makes dating harder, but on how it makes it easier.
“I remember on our first date when we met in person he said ‘you look beautiful,’ and my heart melted. I was married nineteen years before and never heard that one time.”—Sarah, 45
Population: 2
THINGS ARE GOING well between you and your Mr. Right. He gets better and better, and there’s no one you’d rather spend an evening with.
But when is the right time for the big conversation? There’s no hard-and-fast rule on this. You need to know who he is before you commit, but you also don’t want to keep getting closer to someone who may be dating others.
I think it takes at least a month to know you want to be with someone exclusively. And if more than two months have passed and you don’t both have that feeling, that’s not a good sign. Maybe it’ll take a little less time or a little more, but that’s a guideline.
Experience has taught me that if you’ve been seeing someone for more than a month, and you’re scared to have that conversation with him, that’s a red flag. If you think he’s going to freak out or back off, he’s not the right man for you.
In emotionally healthy relationships, you can talk about everything, even if you don’t agree on everything. If you’re seeing a mature man who has his shit together, you’ll be able to approach this subject with him. Maybe he’ll tell you he doesn’t want to see anyone else. Maybe he’ll say he needs more time to get there. What he won’t do is make you feel clingy and desperate for even asking.
You’ve got a lot to offer, and you’re not looking to be a long-term part of anyone’s harem, so why wouldn’t you ask? Anyone who tells you you’re required to just keep cool and wait for him to ask for a commitment needs to be banned from your tribe. Should you ask in the first week? No. But after a month? Absolutely.
It’s best to have this conversation in person if you can. Don’t play games—just put it out there. Say something like, “So, I really like you, and I think we’re good together. I’d like to see only you, and I’m wondering how you feel about that.”
Yes, it’s hard to be so vulnerable. You risk rejection. But if he rejects you, he wasn’t the one for you. And you’ll be freed up to focus on finding someone who is.
Sometimes women feel like exclusivity becomes implied. They’ll say, “Well, he asked me out for Valentine’s Day, so that means we’re exclusive, right?”
Here are some other examples I’ve seen women give for implied exclusive relationships:
You’ve slept together.
You spend a majority of your time together.
He introduces you to his friends/family.
He tells you he loves you.
You guys plan a vacation together.
He tells you he’s never felt this way about a woman before.
I can save you the toiling over whether these things mean you’re in an exclusive relationship. My list of how to know for sure is concise. You know you’re in an exclusive relationship when:
The two of you have had a conversation about being in an exclusive relationship and decided you both want to do it, and you’ve defined what that means to each of you.
Yeah, it’s not as romantic as those other things, is it? But trust me, girl, it’s the truth. Your heart is valuable. You deserve to know, straight up, if a man wants to be with you and only you.
I’m writing this book in hopes that my past failures can help other women. Through counseling during and after my divorce, I came to some hard realizations about myself. They are painful to admit, but I’ve found that the more honest and authentic I am with the world, the freer and happier I am.
So here’s a not-so-flattering truth about me—for many years of my life, I felt like I wasn’t good enough for an attractive, quality man. I settled. I took what I could get and told myself I was lucky even to have that because I was overweight, not pretty enough, etc.
I wish twenty-one-year-old me had known what forty-one-year-old me does. Experience and heartache bring wisdom, and now I know that I don’t need a man in my life. I’m strong, independent, and happy on my own.
Do I want a life partner? I do, but only if it’s right. I’m never settling again. I have a lot to offer, and I expect a lot in return.
Want to know the most profound part of this long-fought epiphany? My confidence is the number one thing men are attracted to in me. It’s not a bluff—I genuinely believe I’m a fantastic person and partner.
If I could tell my younger self just one thing about men, it would be this: Don’t ever tell yourself any man is the only one who can make you happy. Never fixate on someone and decide you’ll make it work no matter what. Expect what you deserve. If you aren’t getting it, walk away and never look back. There are so many men out there, and you’ll find one who loves you completely and makes you happy if you just keep your mind and heart open.
My friend Sarah, 45, met her husband on a dating site. Attracted to tall men, she was smitten by the 6’8” one who treated her like gold from their first date. But did she just go along and hope she was the only one for him? Hell no. She’s too smart for that.
“We did have a talk about [being exclusive] on the third date. At first, he wasn’t sure about exclusivity, but a few days later, we both decided we didn’t want to see other people, and that was that.”
Sarah wasn’t willing to settle. She knew what she wanted and was confident enough to put it out there. She’s now happily married to that tall man she swiped right on.
I know what it’s like to sweat the exclusivity talk. When you’re really into someone, you just want to keep the good times rolling. But if he’s a good guy who wants a relationship with you, the talk won’t ruin anything. It’ll help you grow closer to the man you’re willing to invest yourself in.
Never assume exclusivity. In a good relationship, both partners are on the same page. And if you want to win at this dating thing, you have to be willing to lose men who don’t want what you do.
“I know this is wrong, but I feel like I’m in a competition, and I refuse to compete. I don’t want to compare myself. I am me, not her.”—M
DATING CAN BE more challenging when you have children, especially if they’re under age eighteen. But it can also help you find the measure of a man more quickly than you would if there weren’t children involved.
Everything about dating happens at a slower pace when you have kids. Your schedule isn’t open some evenings, so you have to plan ahead and be flexible when needed. Your dates will need to be willing to do the same.
Maybe you’re dating after a divorce or the loss of a spouse. Maybe you had kids and never married. Whatever the case, your kids need you to maintain the normalcy they’re used to. If you’re fortunate enough to have help with your kids, use the time when they’re not home to date. Don’t put your kids aside on a regular basis to date. It’s not fair to them.
A good man will understand that you don’t have unlimited time for him. He will respect that your children are your priority. If a man ever suggests that your responsibilities as a mother are a drag, drop him.
When He Has Kids
Maybe you’re dating a man who has kids, too. If so, he probably understands about the responsibilities of parenting. That common ground can strengthen a relationship.
Between your kids and his kids, you may not have a lot of time for dates. That’s okay. As long as you’re working together to make time for each other as you can, things are still progressing. You can still text and talk on the phone when you can’t see each other.
Some men don’t want their time with their children interrupted much. They aren’t as available for texting then, and they may not want to talk on the phone when their kids are at home. I find those men super sexy. A great dad, who has his shit together, and wants his kids to know
he values his time with them? That’s my kind of man.
Show interest in his children when you guys are together. It’ll mean a lot to a good man that you want to know about them. If they play sports or take a trip together, support those things and ask how they went. Always remember there’s no competition between you and his kids for his time and attention. They come first, as they should. If that’s a problem for you, you need to date a man without kids.
If you guys are exclusive, you may want to meet his kids right away. But the time for that is entirely up to him. Don’t get offended if he wants to wait. It doesn’t mean he’s not into you; it means he wants to protect his children from people coming in and out of their lives.
When He Doesn’t Have Kids
There are pros and cons to every situation, and the upside of his not having children, or maybe having grown children, is that he will have more free time. If you have kids and he doesn’t, this will make dating easier.
I’ve dated men without children and men whose children were grown. None of them have been a good fit for me, in part because they didn’t have children and the schedule restrictions that come with them, or theirs were out of the house. I can’t fall in love with a man who simply respects that I have kids. If he has no interest in them, I run out of interest in him.
Ultimately, I want a life partner, and my kids will be a huge part of my life forever. Even though a relationship is only between two people, anyone I commit to has to be someone I can see fitting well with my kids down the road.
As a mom of children who aren’t all grown, I prefer dating men who are in the same stage of life as I am. I like being with a man who is also raising kids of his own, because he gets it. He knows about busy weeknights from extracurricular activities, because his are busy too. He understands that my kids come first, and that’s that. I want his kids to come first for him, too.
I’ve been on first dates with a couple men who had children who had relocated with their mothers to a different area. And even though the men were still involved in their children’s lives, it made me a little sad for those kids. A man who is actively co-parenting or parenting his kids is very attractive to me, because I would only want to bring a man around my kids if he’s a great dad.
When He’s a Widower Raising Kids
I feel for anyone who loses their life partner unexpectedly. I can’t imagine the pain they must feel. And then to have to parent your children through that and after it takes a lot of strength.
I’ve been on first dates with widowers. There was one who had opened up a lot over email about his struggles as a single parent. He was a good man somehow managing to keep all the balls in the air—challenging career, daily workouts, and being a good dad to his kids. I found that very attractive, and I really liked his honesty. He didn’t sugarcoat it. Instead, he admitted that it was tough at times, but he always found a way through for his kids.
I had a built-in attraction to him before we even met, just because I admired him. But I also noticed that although he was lonely and actively seeking a partner, he still missed everything his wife had been. What he really wanted was to have her back, impossible as he knew it was.
This isn’t just something that happens when death breaks up a marriage; it can happen after the end of any relationship. Sometimes a person is just not over it. Sometimes they don’t even realize it. Sometimes they’d give anything to move on, but they just can’t yet.
Don’t be hard on men who aren’t over a past relationship, no matter how it ended. Dating is hard. People are putting their insecurities and vulnerabilities on display for judgment.
If you encounter a man who isn’t over a past relationship yet, treat him as you’d want to be treated. Kindly tell him how you feel and wish him nothing but the best.
When It’s Time for You to Meet Each Other’s Kids
How long should you date before meeting each other’s kids? That’s a question without a universal answer. There’s one thing I wish everyone would do, though—don’t rush it.
I know it’s hard to find the time to date when you’re raising kids and he is, too. I know you guys want to be together all the time. I know he’s really nice and your kids will probably love him.
But, seriously—it’s not a good idea. No matter how strong your feelings for each other are, experience has taught me this: relationships are a marathon, not a sprint.
Yeah, that first mile is all fun and games. It’s new! It’s great! The two of you are just running along side by side, catching some gorgeous scenery, hardly breaking a sweat, with the energy to run two marathons if need be.
Fast-forward a few miles. Your calves are cramping, and you’re both smelling less than awesome. And even though you’re still in it, this marathon ain’t as easy as you pictured. You’re starting to see that your man gets a little grouchy when the going gets tough, and he’s seeing that you want to stop for water breaks more frequently than he would like.
Will you guys finish this marathon? Maybe. But also, maybe not. My point is, only time will tell. Everyone is putting their best foot forward at first. Don’t assume he’ll keep courting you this hard forever.
I hope I’ve said enough on this to convince you. Don’t let a man and his kids become an instafamily with you and yours. It takes at least a few months to get to the meeting the kids point.
Okay, so you listened to my advice and waited a few months, and everything seems right for you guys to meet each other’s kids. Now what?
Most importantly, start slow. Do not invite him to spend entire weekends at your place with you and your kids. Dinner, a movie, or a trip to the park are all good starting points. Your kids need to feel secure. At this point, they need to know you still want to be with just them most of the time. They need to know this man isn’t coming in to take the place of their father.
Don’t ask your kids if they like him and want to spend more time with him. They want to please you, and they will say yes. It’s good to ask how they feel about him when you’re alone with them—but respect their answers. Don’t argue with them about how great he is.
Ease into more time together. And always remember, if it’s right, it will stay right.
These same ideas apply to you meeting his kids. Talk to your man beforehand about how things are going to go down. Will the two of you be physically affectionate in front of his kids? How will you make sure nothing negative is said about your man’s ex-wife, by either of you? How will you guys answer tough questions the kids may ask you? (For real, though—I’m a mom. A kid could ask if you guys are having sex, and those questions are awkward.)
When you meet his children, show interest in them. Your man already told you a lot about them, so you know what they like and what grades they’re in. Don’t spend your time together telling his kids about you. Instead, listen to them telling you all about them. Play with them. Read to them. Cook with them. Be kind to them.
Dating can be hard. It breaks hearts every day. But we, as adults, go into it willingly accepting that risk. Kids don’t have a choice. Protect their hearts. Don’t let them get attached to a man you haven’t been with long enough to be sure of.
“It might suck to break something off six months down the road, but it sucks way worse to break something off six YEARS down the road.”—Emmie, 42
DATING REQUIRES MANY things: patience, tenacity, and a sense of humor are the most important. You’ll need to call on your tenacity when a relationship doesn’t work out.
It’s tough when this happens, because we go in with so much hope that we’ve finally met The One, and the disappointment when it tanks is real. But you need to be able to recognize when a man isn’t right for you and walk away. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself in a bad relationship, and that’s much worse than being single.
When You Need to Break It off
Breaking off relationships is a necessary part of dating. Remember how I told you dating is a marathon, not a sprint? Sometimes when you get past that honeymoon ph
ase and start to see who a man really is, the shine wears off. You can no longer see yourself with him long term.
Or maybe you discover a fundamental disagreement about something that’s a deal-breaker for you. Maybe he doesn’t want what you want. Maybe he smells like earwax and you can’t get past it. (Been there.)
You don’t have to justify your reasons for ending a relationship. You do need to be decent about it. The goal is to make a clean exit, not make an enemy.
I think breakup conversations are best had in person, if possible. If not, over the phone, for sure. Don’t do it over text. Be a better human than that.
It doesn’t matter how horrible you think he is. Don’t drag it out for maximum dramatic effect. Just tell him it’s not going to work out and provide as much explanation as you’re comfortable with.
Unless you guys have been together for a really long time, you don’t owe him much justification. You don’t need to provide examples of times he wronged you. If you’re more comfortable, be general. “I don’t think we’re looking for the same things” is a fine explanation.
He may try to fight you on it. He may get pissed. Just know it’s coming from a place of hurt and disappointment. Don’t return his verbal jabs; that’s only going to make things worse.
When He’s the One to End It
Getting dumped sucks, you guys. I’ve been there. Sometimes, I’ve seen it coming, and other times, it’s struck out of the blue. But the truth is, if you’re going to be a dating boss, you’re going to get dumped. It doesn’t make you a failure.
The first time I got dumped, it hurt really bad. I cried. I wallowed. I listened to sad music and ate comfort food. But once I got out of my getting-dumped funk, I realized it was actually a good thing.
Do You Like My Wiener?: A non-expert's no-nonsense guide to dating Page 5
