by Erin Mallon
Atticus: Hahahaha. Oh hahaha! You’re great. She’s great. (switching gears to drama) CHAPTER ONE.
Scene SEVEN
The coffee shop.
Cameron sits at his high back chair.
He’s writing. Sort of. He keeps stopping and starting.
His knee bounces. A lot.
He settles it with his hand. It stops.
He types.
Cameron: (typing)
“The cyborgs were at war with each other.”
His knee bounces again.
He swats at it.
It stops.
Cameron: (typing)
“The cyborgs were engaged in a bloody war with each other – you know, if cyborgs had blood.”
His knee bounces again.
He beats the living crap out of it, making quite a scene.
Cameron: (to the coffee shop at large)
I’m fine! Everything’s fine.
He closes his eyes and breathes.
Cameron: (typing)
“The cyborgs were… in love with each other.”
He looks down at his knee.
It’s still.
He smiles.
He types.
Scene EIGHT
The recording studio.
Atticus: “You just went a bit pale, baby doll. You ok?”
Jennifer: …he says with an unmistakable smirk on his handsome face. “Yes, I’m more than okay. I’m just – wow! You’re so big.”
Atticus: “Sorry.”
Jennifer: … he says with that damn smirk again. “You’re not sorry. And… god, you shouldn’t be apologetic about a damn thing, Jaxon. It’s just… I’m on the smaller side and you… well, I’m not so sure you’re going to fit.”
Atticus: “I’m not worried about that baby doll. You and me? We were made to fit.”
Jennifer: (Breaking character)
Bleh. Of course it’ll fit! It always fits! Seriously, in real life, have you ever had a situation where it didn’t fit?
Neil & Atticus: ...yes?
Jennifer: You’re full of it. And why are these same guys who are always concerned it won’t fit simultaneously chattering on and on about how they’re gonna come the second the tip goes in?
Neil & Atticus: Because she’s so beautiful.
Jennifer: Right.
Neil:Can we continue with the scene?
Jennifer: Yes. I’m sorry. Yes.
Neil:Great. Let’s take it from “We were made to fit.” Rolling.
Atticus: “You and me? We were made to fit.”
Jennifer: … he whispers in my ear just as he thrusts his cock in my-
Atticus: (breaking character)
Fuck me, I was supposed to whisper. Can we go back? I need to whisper it.
Jennifer: (under her breath)
Which you would have known, had you prepared the book.
Atticus: I’m forgetting, how many books have you narrated?
Jennifer: First book, but I’ve been performing for several decades, so-
Atticus: Right. And this is somewhere in the ballpark of four hundred books for me, so I think I know what I’m doing.
Neil:Guys? Same team. Yes Atticus, we can go back. From the whispered “We were made to fit” please. We’re rolling.
Atticus: (whispering)
“You and me? We were made to fit.”
Jennifer: … he whispers in my ear just as he thrusts his cock in my shocked but delighted pussy. And then, we’re off like a rocket. A slippery, throbbing rocket heading straight for Pleasuretown.
Atticus: (panting)
“You like that?”
Jennifer: (panting)
“What’s not to like?”
Atticus: “You feel so good, I’m not going to last long.”
Jennifer makes a silent gesture of “See?”
Neil gestures to “Keep rolling.”
Jennifer: “I’m not worried about that, Jaxon. We’ve got all night. And something tells me neither of us is getting any sleep.” And then, in a moment that lasts forever and yet is somehow still not nearly long enough, we explode together, actual stars reflecting behind my eyelids. In the blissful, peaceful moments afterward, I curl up next to him, my head on his chest, his hand softly stroking my hair.
Atticus: (sighing)
“Fuuuuuck.”
Jennifer: “That’s exactly what I was going to say.” And then, we don’t say anything at all. There’s no need for words when our breaths are synced, our hearts are synced, even the fluids from our bodies are synced and seeping from my channel. (breaking character) Ugh, oh my god, I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that line.
Neil:(frustrated)
We cleared it, let’s keep moving forward with Jaxon’s next line: “Do you see that?”
Atticus: “Do you see that? That stream of lava flowing out of you? How fucking sexy is that? That’s you and me baby, co-mingling. Your essence and my essence blending together in a stew of me and you. “
Jennifer: (breaking character)
Neil:Ok. Jen?
Jennifer: …nifer?
Neil: Jen...nifer, we’re going to need you to stop with the commentary. That’s what lunch break is for.
Jennifer: My apologies, but that is just heinous.
Neil:Is it heinous? Or beautiful?
Jennifer: Heinous. (dropping into a male voice) “Do you see that? That stream of LAVA flowing out of you”???
Neil:Solid male voice! You’re really a natural.
Jennifer: Thank you so much. But would someone ever actually say that? No, let me answer that. If someone EVER said that to me afterwards, I’d ask them to kindly leave the bed. Oh but wait - forgive me – where are they- I mean where are WE fucking right now?
Neil and Atticus: On an air conditioner unit.
Jennifer: So dangerous! And... unsanitary. That’s another thing! Does no one screw in a bed anymore? I’m all for creativity, but Geezus!-
Neil:(getting fed up)
You’re judging this work, Niffer. And as long as you’re judging it, you’ll never be successful in it. Every morning, I get up and come to this studio and when I see that there’s a romance book on the schedule, you know what I do? I celebrate. My internal body sings a song of fucking delight and anticipation! You know why? Because, when you whittle it down, we are being paid to tell stories about love. That is an absolutely delicious way to spend a day. An author has poured her heart and soul into these characters. And her characters are pouring their hearts and souls into each other. They’re exposing their deepest desires and vulnerabilities to one another. And yes, they’re also exposing their superhuman, tireless genitals to one another while engaging in rigorous, sometimes seemingly endless lovemaking chapter after chapter after chapter atop appliances, against alley walls, between soda dispensers, behind dumpsters, inside fish tanks… but the point is… They are fueled by LOVE. And CONNECTION. And PRESENCE. Can you say that about yourself? Your approach to your relationships? Your approach to your work? Your approach to yourself? (quick beat) I can’t. But I’m trying. And being in the vicinity of this work helps me get just a tiny bit closer every day. (Beat) Alright. Lunch break.
Jennifer: Great. Neil, I’m – I’m sorry if I offended you. I‘m grateful for this opportunity, I really I am. I guess I just thought I’d be doing work that was more… Well.
Beat.
I brought my lunch. Is there a private place I could go on break? Preferably with a door that locks? Breast pump.
Atticus: We’ve got a method actor here, huh? Just reading the words is sufficient, really.
She holds up a small black bag.
Jennifer: No. Breast pump. I have a 3-month-old daughter at home? (quick beat) Who needs to be fed?
Atticus: Ah. I�
��m out!
Atticus exits.
Neil:What’s her name?
Jennifer: Ramona.
Neil: Beautiful.
Jennifer: Thanks. My wife’s favorite books as a kid.
Neil:What would Ramona think about her mommy saying all of this smut? Kidding. I’m kidding. (quick beat) Down the hall to the left.
Jennifer: Thank you. (quick beat) Neil. What you, um. What you said… about getting to tell stories about love everyday? I heard you. And I’ll um… I heard you.
Neil:Roger that, sex soldier. Why the fuck did I just call you a “sex soldier”? I’m sorry. I feel oddly comfortable with you, like a sister – not that I’d call my sister a sex soldier – it’s just - I’m finding I say things freely with you, when clearly I shouldn’t. Sorry.
Jennifer: It’s ok. I’ve always been that person people tell things to. Say things to. Not sure why. You’re ok, Neil. I like you.
Neil:I like you too, Niffer. I’ve decided I’m gonna call you “Niffer. “ Everyone shortens Jennifer to Jen, but what the hell is wrong with Niffer?
Jennifer: (laughing)
Um. Nothing I suppose. “Niffer” is great. So I’m gonna go…
Neil:Yeah yeah. See you after break.
Jennifer heads to another area of the studio toward the private room and nearly runs right into Georgia, who is also carrying a small black bag.
Georgia: Hi! How’s the session going!
Jennifer: Going… well? Thanks?
Georgia: I just loved you in that teddy bear murder play. I’m thrilled you’re on this project.
Jennifer: Oh! Thank you. Georgia? Hi!
Georgia: I’m just hear to listen in a bit, maybe take some behind-the scenes photos for Insta… that sort of thing.
Jennifer: Nice. Yeah no, I heard you’d be joining us for a bit. Are you also…?
Georgia: Lactating? Yes. Mind if we share the room?
Jennifer: (she does mind)
No…. that’s… fine.
Georgia: Thank you. I mean what else are breasts for, right? Well besides tweaking, nuzzling, licking, suckling and general adoring, right?
Jennifer: …Right.
Georgia spots Neil through the window of the studio.
Georgia: Oh good, Neil is engineering. Such a quiet, gentle soul, isn’t he?
Jennifer: Quiet? That man?
Georgia: A silent, steady sentinel, yeah.
Neil notices Georgia.
He freezes.
She waves.
He waves.
Jennifer: Oooookay. (realizing) Ohhhhhh they’re for you!
Georgia: What are for me?
Jennifer: Um. I’ll let him tell you.
Georgia does some creative gestures at Neil, signaling “I’ll see you in a few minutes. I have to pump my breasts.”
Neil responds with his own gestures, communicating “Oh, you have to pump your breasts? Cool! I’m going to grab some lunch and bring it back. Want anything?
Georgia gestures “No, thanks. I just ate!”
Neil gestures “Alright, see you soon!”
Georgia gestures “bye!”
Georgia: So? Shall we?
Jennifer: Uh, yeah. We shall.
Scene NINE
The coffee shop.
Neil:Hey, uh, the tuna melt? The tuna melt coming? (quick beat) Ok great. (under his breath) How long can a fuckin’ tuna melt take?
Neil puts his hand to his heart.
Doesn’t like what he feels.
He starts that heartbeat-like drumming on the take-out counter in front of him with one hand while keeping the other hand against his heart.
Buh-bum. Buh-bum. Buh-bum.
Getting there, getting there…
Buh-bum. Buh-bum. Buh-bum.
Booyah!
He goes into a quiet, but festive drumming sequence on the take-out counter.
Cameron: You ok, man?
Neil: Yeah, I got this heart thing. The drumming helps.
Cameron: Ok cool, because it’s not bothering the people who are trying to work here at all.
Neil:Great. Good. Wait. Was that sarcasm? I said I have a heart condition, man. Damn you’re cold, huh?
Cameron: Sorry. You’re right. I’m – (quick beat) Continue drumming.
Neil:Oh you like drumming?
Cameron: Well, I didn’t say I-
Neil:Wah-pisht!
Neil slaps a postcard in Cameron’s hand.
Come see my show! It’s next month at Housing Works Bookstore downtown.
Cameron: My god, what the hell is this?
Neil: I work with spoken word artists – mostly female - to create rhythmic, ecstatic celebrations of sound and sensuality. (quick beat) I drum while the poets poet. Everyone “applauds” by snapping their fingers.
Cameron: Yeah, I can’t see myself attending something like that.
Neil:FINE!
Neil goes to grab the card back.
Cameron stops him and checks the card again.
Cameron: Actually! It’s an… open mic situation?
Neil:Yes…
Cameron: And anyone can participate?
Neil:I know! It can be awful, but it can also be transcendent when-
Cameron: I’ll be there.
Beat.
Neil:Really?
Cameron: See you next month, man. I hope the heart thing improves for ya.
Scene TEN
The recording studio.
Jennifer and Georgia are in the private room wearing their hands-free pumping bras and hooked up to tiny machines. The sounds of mechanical pumping fill the space.
Georgia: So how is it working with Attiboy? I know he prefers to narrate solo. He prefers to do everything solo for that matter.
Jennifer: “Atta boy?”
Georgia: Atticus. I call him “Attiboy.” Oh that strange, sweet man has my heart. And that voice of his sure knows how to help a girl sell some books, I’ll tell you that.
Jennifer: Would you call him sweet though?
Georgia: I would. What would you call him?
Jennifer: A nightmare?
Georgia: Eh. That’s all an act.
They continue to pump.
Jennifer: Why do they call him The Narwhal?
Georgia: (like it’s obvious)
Because unicorns are never seen? And narwhals are known as the Unicorn of the Sea?
Jennifer: Ok. So…. why don’t they just call him The Unicorn then?
Georgia: Narwhals are sexier.
Jennifer: Are they though?
Georgia: Of course. A massive, 17-foot-long ocean beast with that whole… protrusion on his head? And that slippery blubbery skin that’s just aching to be stroked? And god, the way they move like they’re… dive humping the waves over and over and over again?
(quick beat) Oh damn. we are failing the Bechdel test so spectacularly right now.
Jennifer: The what test?
Georgia: Bechdel. Two women with names are in a scene together talking about something other than a man? Yeah, this is not ok. Quick, get me talking about something other than a man.
Jennifer: Sure! In your book – I think it’s in Chapter Twelve? - Cassie says that-
Georgia: I made so many chickens for my husband. So many goddamn chickens.
Jennifer: I’m sorry, what?
Georgia: Roast chicken, fried chicken, Cajun chicken, slow-cooker Lemon Garlic Chicken. When I think of all the chickens’ lives I sacrificed to feed an unworthy man, I could just – (quick beat) well I just hope the chickens can forgive me. Sorry, you were asking about Cassie?
Jennifer: Uh yeah. In Chapter Twelve she says that “it’s possible to love and need someone with your entire being, but still stay stead
y in yourself.” Do you believe that?
Georgia: Hell no.
Jennifer: Oh
Georgia: But I wish I could.
Jennifer: I understand. Divorce can be brutal. When my parents got divorced –
Georgia: Oh I didn’t divorce him, I killed him. Kidding. He died though.
Jennifer: I’m sorry.
Georgia: I’m not. He was a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad person. Did I want him to die? No. Was I torn apart when he did? Also no.
Jennifer: Wow. So. How do you plan on talking to your child about him?
Georgia: Irrelevant. He and I were years ago. My daughter is the result of my love and longing for her and ONLY my love and longing for her. And a trip to the clinic for a rendezvous with a sperm-infused turkey baster. Gosh, don’t you wish sometimes that we could be more like virgin female hammerhead sharks? You know, minus the virgin part? They can self-fertilize.
Jennifer: Oh. I didn’t realize they– Yeah actually. That would be great.
Georgia: Alright I’m all set here. So glad we could connect.
Georgia starts detaching her pump.
Jennifer: My god that’s a lot of milk! You pumped all that just now?
Georgia: I‘m blessed to now live a life of abundance in every conceivable way.
Georgia chugs the milk she just produced.
Pumping and dumping while I’m away from her just seems like such a crime. I mean, this shit is liquid gold. Want a sip?
Jennifer: No, thanks. I’ve… got my own.
Georgia: Well, cheers!
Georgia lifts her bottle and takes one last swig, then heads down the hall to the main studio area.
Neil is in his swivel chair, eating a sandwich and wearing his headphones.
He shoots to standing when he notices Georgia.
Neil: Georgia, hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. How are you? Care to sit? Want to sit?
Georgia: In your swivel chair?
Neil: Sure. Unless that’s- You don’t have to.
Georgia: I’d love to.
She sits and swivels.
Oooh I feel like the commander of a ship! Look at this board! Do you feel powerful when you sit behind this board?
Neil:I feel powerful when I look at you.
Georgia: What?
Neil:Huh?
Georgia: What else would you call me?
