by Erin Mallon
Neil:Beautiful? Wondrous? Perfect? These, uh. These are for you.
Neil presents the flower arrangement with flourish.
Georgia: Lilies for me?
Neil:Lilies for you.
Georgia: Lilies remind me of funerals.
Neil: Oh, I’m sorry. They appear so often in your books, I thought-
Georgia: And sex.
Neil:Oh yeah? How uh, how uh, how so?
She takes a single lily from the arrangement and gets very close to Neil, the flower between them.
Georgia: Well look at this pretty girl. Is this not the porniest flower you’ve ever seen?
Neil:I don’t – I don’t uh –
Georgia: Look at her jiggle. You see that?
Neil:I do, yeah, I see that.
Georgia: She’s not shy. She refuses to shrink like a violet or curl in on herself like a rose. Look how her petals are open wide and waiting. So many of us are hard and closed these days, right? Not Lily. She’s soft. But she’s strong too. Look at her sturdy stamens. They sprinkle her magic dust onto the favored few she lets inside her. And as anyone who’s been lucky enough to love a lily knows, it’s virtually impossible remove her stain once it’s been smeared.
Georgia takes the orange dust from the stamen and smears it across his lips, like lipstick. He fucking loves it.
Georgia: Look!
Neil:Looking, I’m looking!
Georgia: Plunging into the middle of all this softness and strength is her powerful, puissant pistil, standing erect, with her small, sticky stigma riiiiiiiiight at her center, always at the ready. But many men can’t locate a flower’s stigma, because… well, because-
Neil: (so turned on)
Because they’re self-serving sons of bitches who haven’t taken the time to study the flower the way they should.
Georgia: Something tells me you have though, Neil, haven’t you? Have you studied the flower the way you should?
Neil:Yes. I’m incredibly well informed. Just haven’t found the right outlet yet for all my yearning – I mean learning.
Georgia: Good Neil, good. There’s something important you need to know before Lily considers letting you get closer though. She’s self-contained. She has everything she needs. She doesn’t need anyone else to complete her. Do you hear what I’m saying?
Neil: I do. I hear you.
Georgia: I mean look at her. It’s like she’s having sex with herself constantly, which I will tell you Neil, is a concept with which I am not unfamiliar. But that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to be inhaled from time to time. Appreciated. Plucked. Same page?
Neil:So what you’re saying is that I uh… I picked the right flower.
Georgia: You picked the right flower.
They go ape shit on each other, kissing, clothes-tearing, their intertwined bodies dropping to the floor.
They roll out of sight.
Jennifer enters the narrator side of the studio, followed closely by Atticus.
Jennifer: Oh. Hi.
Atticus: Hi friend.
Jennifer: Friend?
Atticus: Yeah. That ok?
Jennifer: I suppose, I just – the way you interacted with me before… that’s how you treat a “friend?”
Atticus: Yes? No?
Jennifer: Yeah no.
Atticus: Oh. Sorry. I don’t have a lot of experience dealing with… other people.
Jennifer: Why is that?
Atticus: Long story, Niffer.
Jennifer: This “Niffer” thing is really happening, huh?
Atticus: I’m surprised Neil isn’t back yet.
Atticus puts on his headphones.
Oh.
Jennifer: What?
Atticus: Oh snap!
Jennifer: What?
Atticus: Neil is back!
Jennifer: What are you-?
Atticus: (hushed)
Quick! Put ‘em on put ‘em on put ‘em on!
Jennifer puts on her headphones.
Neil: (panting)
You’re the most beautiful goddamn flower that’s ever grown on this greenblue planet.
Georgia: (panting)
I am.
Neil:I’m so fucking lucky.
Georgia: You are.
Jennifer: (hushed)
Holy….
Atticus: Yeah buddy! Git it!
Jennifer: We shouldn’t be listening to this!
Atticus: Damn, they sound really good. Neil! You sound gooooood, buddy!
Neil:(hushed to Georgia)
What was that? Did you hear that?
Georgia: (unconcerned)
Sounds like narrators are back from their break.
Neil:Shit, we should-
Georgia: (frustrated)
Focus on the flower! Focus on the flower!
Neil:I am, I am, I’m just a professional and – (quick beat) Oh god!
Neil and Georgia: Oh god oh god oh god ohhhhhh………. GODDDD!
Beat.
(long sigh)
Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.
Silence.
Atticus gets on his feet and starts a slow clap.
Neil rises from the other side of the glass, adjusting his pants.
Neil:(out of breath)
Hey guys, hey. How was lunch break?
Atticus and Jennifer: …good.
Neil: So, uh, our wonderful author has arrived.
Atticus and Jennifer: We heard.
Neil: Georgia? Georgia? Ah, there she is
Georgia: Hey team. Hi.
Beat.
Atticus: (to Jennifer)
I don’t about you, but The Narwhal is ready to dive in the wah-tah.
Neil presses a button.
Neil: We’re rolling.
Atticus: (full drama)
CHAPTER NINE.
Scene ELEVEN
Vera‘s office.
She is typing invoices and listening to her audio.
Cameron enters and watches her work for a moment.
Atticus’s Voice: “I watch her with bated breath. Even when she does the simplest things, I find her irresistible. They way her little brow scrunches when she works. The adorable way she crosses her ankles, making her look so demure. But we both know the truth. I have to do it. I have to touch her.”
Cameron comes up behind her.
He puts his hands on her shoulders.
He starts massaging.
Vera:Mmmmmmmmm.
Atticus: “Her muscles instantly soften under my touch. She is butter and breath and beauty and I want to spread her on the bread of my body.”
Vera:It feels so real…
Cameron: It is real, baby.
He leans around and kisses her on the cheek.
Vera: (startling)
Ahhh!
Cameron: Geez! What!?
Vera pulls out her earbuds.
Vera: It’s you!
Cameron: Of course it’s me! Who else would it be?
Vera: Well you don’t work here!
Cameron: Does someone else caress and kiss you at work?
Vera: No! Of course not. I was just lost in my… my invoices. What are you doing here?
Cameron: I wanted to see my wife, so I wrapped up work early.
Vera: I didn’t realize we were speaking.
Cameron: Of course we are.
Vera:Really? Because I haven’t heard more from you than the perfunctory “I’ll be home late tonight” texts in three days, then you’re gone again in the morning before I wake up.
Cameron: I’m working hard on this draft, I told you -
Vera:You’re working hard at avoiding me.
Cameron: Well, I’m here now. Hi.
Vera:Hi.
Beat.
How’s the writing going?
Cameron: Great!
Vera:Great?
Cameron: Yeah, it’s sort of taken a… different direction.
Vera:Oh yeah?
The phone rings.
(answering)
Well Rung Ladder Company, this is Vera how can I help you? (quick beat) Oh hello Mister Carmichael. (quick beat) You fell off your ladder and you’re suing us? Okay, thank you for letting us know.
She hangs up.
(to Cameron)
A different direction how?
Cameron: I’m shifting my… attention. I realized I was coming at things from a… well not the most - (quick beat) Hey, guess who I met at the coffee shop the other day?
Vera:David Hasselhoff.
Cameron: No.
Vera:Nick Jonas!
Cameron: No.
Vera:BETTY WHITE!
Cameron: No!
Vera: Do you want me to guess or not?
Cameron: I guess I don’t, no.
Vera:Ok.
Cameron: Georgia Westwood.
Vera:Georgia Westwood? MY Georgia Westwood!?
Cameron: Yeah.
Vera:You met Georgia Westwood at the coffee shop????
Cameron: Yeah.
Vera:What was she wearing?!!
Cameron: I don’t know! Some sort of flowy skirt thing?
Vera:Yes!! She loves her flowy skirt things! What does she smell like?
Cameron: Kind of like-
Vera:Wait. You know what she smells like?
Cameron: Well, yeah, I –
Vera:Why do you know what she smells like?
Cameron: I don’t know, because, she- Do you want to know what she smells like or not?
Vera:Absolutely! I am just surprised that you noticed what she smelled like. That’s a pretty intimate thing to note about someone.
Cameron: Not if someone smells like shit.
Vera:She smells like shit?!?
Cameron: No, she smells fantastic!
Vera: Oh.
Cameron: Sort of cinnamonny.
Vera:Really! I would have guessed a floral bouquet of some kind. Huh.
Cameron: So. I was thinking. How about we get a sitter tonight and do something fun. See a movie… hit that Ethiopian restaurant you like…
Vera:Oh that sounds amazing. (quick beat) I just…
Cameron: Just…
Vera: Can’t.
Cameron: Can’t?
Vera: I have plans.
Cameron: Plans?
Vera: (losing it)
Are you going to repeat the last word of my every sentence? I HAVE PLANS CAMERON!!
Cameron: Geez. I-
Vera: I’m sorry. I just I have this uh - this… Ladder Convention.
Cameron: A Ladder Convention?
Vera: Downtown, yeah.
Cameron: God that sounds terrible.
Vera: Yeah, it’s going to be awful. Uncle Jim is trying to branch out, get some new accounts, so.
Cameron: Ok…
Vera: I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. It just… slipped my mind.
Cameron: Ok.
Vera: I was just about to call Becky and see if Hazel could head home with them and play with the kids until you could swing by to get her, but this actually works out great that you’re free early! So you can you pick her up from aftercare at 5 and I’ll see you both at home in a few hours then?
Cameron: Ok.
Vera:Great baby, thank you so much. I’m going to head out then.
Cameron: Well, wait, we’ll leave together.
Vera:But you’re heading uptown and I’m heading downtown. Plus, I like the elevator, you like the stairs. Plus plus I’ve got heels on, and you know I walk slower than you when I’ve got heels on, which I can tell irritates you since you’re such a fast city walker and I still have plenty of Ohio left in me.
Cameron: You seem to be moving fast just fine right now.
Vera: Haha. Yeah, I guess I- (quick beat) I’ll see you in a few hours.
Cameron: You know they say to never give more than one example when you’re making an excuse, don’t you?
Vera:What?
Cameron: Have fun.
Vera exits. Cameron notices her phone and ear buds still sitting on her desk.
Cameron: Veer, you forgot your-
He puts her phone in his pocket and goes to do the same with the ear buds, but instead… he puts the ear buds in his own ears. He presses play where she left off.
Atticus: “She is like a beautiful puzzle. So many pieces of her I don’t understand. But I want to. I want to jigsaw my way back into her heart – and her pussy -
Cameron: Jesus Christ!
Atticus: -and show her that I’m a man who doesn’t shy away from a challenge. I am willing to fight for the honor of being her man.”
Cameron sinks into Vera’s chair and listens intently.
Scene TWELVE
The coffee shop.
Vera enters and scans the room a moment, looking lost.
Atticus stands up and waves tentatively.
She approaches his table, which has two coffees on it.
Atticus: You said Decaf Americano, right?
Vera:Oh no, you’re beautiful.
Atticus: Thank you.
Vera: You’re supposed to be a horrid troll of a man with pustules all over your skin.
Atticus: Am I?
Vera:Well, yeah. Why else would you hide yourself? This… you… this… ALL wants to be seen.
Atticus: Thank you. Can we not talk about my looks though? I get weary of that.
Vera:Oh. Sure. I didn’t mean to um… objectify you.
Atticus: When you look like this and sound like this you get used to it. Doesn’t mean I don’t want to talk about other things though. I want to talk about you.
Vera:Ha! Me! Ok! What about me?
Atticus: Here, sit sit.
Beat.
Vera:Hi.
Atticus: Hi.
Vera:
Atticus: I couldn’t.
Vera: Ok, I’m-
Atticus: (in character)
“Delilah, you are MINE. You always WERE mine and you will always BE mine.”
Vera:Yay! Ah! My dreams are coming true!
Atticus: Mine too.
He leans in to kiss her.
Vera: Oh! No. No no no, I’m so sorry, but no.
Beat.
Atticus: No?
Vera:Yeah, no.
Atticus: I’m sorry. I haven’t been on an actual date in years, so.
Vera:Oh, is this a-? Wait, you haven’t been on a-? How is that even-? I didn’t mean to- I just thought that-
Atticus: Do you use complete sentences?
Vera:I’m married.
Atticus: Oh. (quick beat) …happily?
Vera: I think so?
Atticus: Well then…
He tries to kiss her again.
She slaps his hand.
Vera: No!
Atticus: Ow!
Vera:I love him. He’s… he’s… my partner. In everything. He can be a grump and he’s an absolute bear when he’s on a deadline and he hasn’t eaten in too many hours, and don’t get me started on the way he leaves all his beard shavings in the sink but my god, the way he commits? To me? To our daughter? To his work? And the way he smiles when he’s lost in a daydream and doesn’t realize anyone’s looking? The way his voice sound
s so relieved in the middle of the night when he’s half awake, half asleep and his hand pats around the bed looking for me and he finally finds me? God, if I ever lost him? I don’t even want to think about that. He’s… he’s everything to me.
Atticus: Do I need to be here for this?
Vera:You’re right. Thank you so much for meeting me, Atticus. I truly love your work. And you’ve awakened something in me that… well. But this is inappropriate and I need to go.
She stands to walk out.
Atticus: I spend my day – all day every day – inside a literal box.
Vera:You used the word “literal” correctly.
Atticus: I always do. I’m not that person. Vera, I don’t get messages like the one you sent me. People don’t try to… connect with me like that. They never have. It meant something to me. And I was really looking forward to spending time with someone… real like you.
Vera: Oh.
Atticus: Five minutes? Can you stay for just five minutes?
Vera:Um. (quick beat) Uh… Alright. Yeah, I’ve got five minutes.
Atticus: Great, that’s great. Thank you so much.
She sits.
You know you’re much more attractive than I thought you would be.
Vera:Thank you?
Atticus: You’re very welcome. I just assumed by your message that you’d be pretty mousy and easily dismissed, but you’re really stunning. Truly.
Vera:Ok?
Atticus: How is this going so far?
Vera:Not well.
Atticus: People don’t like being around me.
Vera:Hm.
Atticus: I‘m not sure why.
Vera:(sweetly)
Do you think maybe it’s because you come across as such a douche?
Atticus: Do I?
Vera:Yes. But only in person though!
Atticus: Oh.
Vera:Yeah in person, you’re… yikes. But when you’re on script and speaking to me through my earbuds? Gosh, you’re… soft and sweet. And rough and flawed. And loving and kind and varied and full and… stunningly specific.
Atticus: Yeah, well that’s just fantasy.
Vera:Is it though? That’s all gotta be you too on some level, doesn’t it? Isn’t “fantasy” just our way in? To ourselves? To what’s already there? Like, we need the fantasy to open the door to something equally real – just hidden?
Atticus: Do you expect me to answer those questions?
Vera: No. Just… we wouldn’t be so attracted to the idea of the “naughty school girl” or the “flirty best friend” or the “alpha male” or the fill-in-the-blank if there wasn’t a seed of that inside of us, would we? You wanted to talk about me? Ok, me for example. I feel like I’ve… memorized an idea of who I am, and somewhere along the way, I decided it was my job to stick to that. Even when there is another version of me – a different, but also completely authentic version of me – that’s clawing to get out. (quick beat) It’s not his fault he can’t find it. I haven’t been brave enough to be it.
