These Walls Can Talk
Page 6
Atticus: I was the weird kid in school. Like from day one. We’re talking preschool. Isn’t it nuts how we get… stamped so damn quickly? And how powerful that can be? How the stamp sticks? I don’t know why, but I just always felt like other kids were speaking a different language. Couldn’t find that click with anyone. Couldn’t find my people. Then… I turned 18, late bloomer, and, well, it was just… a sudden and utter explosion of sexy.
Vera:Hahahaha!
Atticus: I’m serious.
Vera:Oh.
Atticus: The voice kicked in. The body. The face. It all… clicked. And for the first time? People wanted to be close to me. Women, men… they…. wanted me.
Vera:(joking)
Sounds terrible.
Atticus: I hated it. Felt lonelier than before. Now I was surrounded by people and there was still no connection happening. At all. No real connection. So when you wrote me the other day and said all that sad, beautiful shit? It made me want to step outside myself for the first time in a long time.
Beat.
They call me The Narwhal. I’m not a narwhal. I’m a… a… a…. a spiny dogfish, a tiny little shark with spikes who takes pokes at the fish around him but is completely harmless and ineffective with humans. No, you know what I really am? A Giant Tube Worm, living 1500 miles below sea level, down in the midnight zone where no sunlight can reach. Giant Tube Worms have no mouth, digestive tract or anus.
Vera: Oh. Well, I’m sure you have… some of those things, yeah?
Atticus: What I mean is they feed on themselves. They don’t need anyone or anything else. (quick beat) I don’t want to be a Tube Worm anymore.
Vera: Well I’m glad you’re coming up for air. That’s gotta be a good first step yeah? I think I’m married to a hermit crab. He also lives way down below sea level where there’s little light. He hides in his shell a lot. But when he peeks out? He’s industrious. He works hard. He’s grounded. He just needs his shell to feel safe.
Atticus: Ok these metaphors are making me nauseous.
Vera: Alright. (quick beat) So, I’m… gonna go. Thank you for the coffee, Atticus.
Atticus: Hey Vera.
Vera:Yeah?
Atticus: Do you think – (quick beat) Are you going to listen to me differently now that you know I’m not quite the… alpha you thought I was?
Beat.
Vera:I think I am, yeah. (quick beat) But that’s not necessarily a bad thing.
Scene THIRTEEN
Vera and Cameron’s bedroom.
Cameron sits at the end of the bed, fully dressed.
His knee bounces.
He presses his knee.
It stops.
It starts bouncing again.
He presses it.
It stops.
It starts bouncing again.
He beats the living shit out of it.
Cameron: (to his knee)
You’re an asshole! An asshole! Get it together asshole!
Vera enters the bedroom. He doesn’t see her.
Cameron: (softening)
You’re not an asshole. You’re just… nervous. It’s going to be ok.
He caresses his knee tenderly now.
He strokes his knee and kisses it.
Vera:Am I interrupting?
Cameron: (startled)
Hi. Hi baby. No. We were just. I was just- (quick beat) Sit down with me?
Vera: Before I panic, please tell me there is a reason Hazel isn’t in her bed.
Cameron: I took her to my sister’s for a sleepover. She was asking for time with her cousins and I… wanted some time with you.
Vera:Why?
Cameron: Feels like we should talk, yeah?
Vera:Yeah.
She sits down beside him, their bodies rigid.
Cameron: How was your ladder convention?
Vera:Ladder conventions aren’t a thing. I made that up.
Cameron: Oh. (quick beat) Well maybe they should be. It would be good for business wouldn’t it?
Vera:Well there is the National Safety Council Expo every year, which ladder people certainly attend, but a straight up ladder convention? No. I mean who would go to something like that?
Cameron: Sure, yeah.
Beat.
Vera:Aren’t you going to ask me where I actually was?
Cameron: I’m afraid to.
Vera:I had coffee with someone. I shouldn’t have gone. I’m sorry. I think… maybe I just wanted someone to look at me and experience me as… something new. Something – someone - interesting.
Cameron: You’re fucking fascinating.
Vera:Stop it.
Cameron: You are. You said I don’t notice your specifics. I do. I promise I do. I just… I keep it to myself. I keep it all to myself. I know that’s bullshit and it probably makes no sense, but it’s like… loving you and experiencing you is my private pleasure with myself and if I let it out, share it with anyone – even you – it’ll disappear.
Vera:Cameron that’s -
Cameron: 1) You laugh with your whole being - with a joy that most people left back in childhood. 2) When you speak to children, you always squat down to their level and then you talk to them with total respect. 3) You’re a voracious reader – how could I not love that 4) – Can I ditch the numbers?
Vera:Yes, you can ditch the numbers.
Cameron: I love your Robert DeNiro impression. I love the way you take care of our family. I love how you’d do absolutely anything for our daughter. I love how you always practice your order under your breath before the waiter comes to our table in a restaurant. I love the smell of your face – it’s like skin and soap and cotton? I don’t know what the hell it smells like, but it’s fucking good. It smells like you. I love how you never learned the “right way” to type but you peck and poke at a keyboard faster than I ever could. I love that when you smile, one side of your mouth goes higher than the other so I see more of your teeth on the left than on the right. I love that you get mad at me for letting the faucet run while I shave. I love that you need to sleep with one leg under the comforter and one leg on top of it. I love the cluster of freckles on your lower back that peeks out when you bend over and your shirt lifts up. I love that when you really want or crave something you squish the air with your fingers like you’re squeezing little stress balls of fun. I love that you write thank you notes by hand. That you sometimes write thank you notes to thank someone for a particularly meaningful thank you note they wrote you. I love that you expect good things to happen to us. I love that you ponder. That you reflect. That you’re always looking to improve your outlook on the world and your place in it. I love that you-
Vera:Cameron?
Cameron: Yeah?
Vera reaches her arms out to him and squeezes the air with her fingers like she’s squeezing little stress balls of fun.
Cameron: What. What are you - (quick beat) You… want me?
She nods and squeezes the air again.
Cameron: Oh, let’s go.
They slam together in a fierce kiss.
Vera:(coming up for air)
Oh wow! Teeth and tongue. You never use teeth AND tongue.
Cameron: I decided to do some… listening… and… Well, you may be on to something.
Vera:What do you-
He presses play on his phone.
Atticus:“My god, she’s gorgeous.”
Vera:You’re listening to “The Defiant Secretary??!”
Cameron: My god, you know the book title from hearing one cliched line?
Vera:Well it’s an incredible book!
Cameron: Incredible? Sorry, not judging-
Atticus: “Right then, I slam her up against the wall.”
Cameron slams Vera up against the wall.
Vera:You sl
ammed me up against the wall!
Cameron: I’m sorry! I’m sorry!
Vera:The only thing you’ll be sorry about is if you don’t do that again.
He slams her up against the wall again.
Vera:Oof. Thank you.
Atticus: (in poor falsetto)
“Ooof. Thank you, Mr. Barnhill” she says breathlessly.
Cameron: Damn, his female voices are terrible.
Vera:(getting breathless)
They really are, but we forgive him because the rest is so damn sexy.
Atticus: “I hope you’re wearing those lacy purple panties I love.” I say to her, eyeing the pencil skirt molded to her curvaceous body.
Vera:(warning)
I’m just wearing old navy briefs.
Cameron: The heather grey cotton ones?
Vera:Yes actually!
Cameron: Nothing hotter than heather grey cotton.
Atticus: “I dive under her skirt, determined to discover the answer with my mouth. “
Cameron dives under Vera’s skirt.
Vera:Wow! There you go! Wow! Oh my gosh, are you-?
Atticus: “I nibble at her waistband, trying to build the anticipation for her.”
Vera:(giggling)
You are! Haha, you’re nibbling haha!
Cameron: I’m nibblin’ alright!
Atticus: “But I can’t hold back a second longer. And in one feral tear with my teeth, her panties are shredded.”
Vera:Cameron, don’t feel like you need to shred my-
Cameron tries to shred her panties.
Cameron: RRRRRRrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrah!
Atticus: “Now, she’s bare to me. And when I say bare, I mean BARE. Bare as the day she was born.”
Vera:You ok sweetie?
Cameron: I think I’m thtuck!!
Vera:Thtuck?!
Cameron: Yeah, your pantieth are thtuck in my teeth!!
Atticus: “I find myself face to face with heaven on earth.”
Vera:Oh shit! Well let me shimmy out.
Cameron: No! Don’t thimmy! I’m going to do thith!
Vera:Baby, we could pull out your tooth if we’re not careful!
Atticus: “My tongue attacks her center like a king cobra pouncing on its prey.”
Cameron: Can we thut him off? Thut him off pleathe!!
Vera:Sure baby, sure!
Atticus: (in terrible falsetto)
“Oh Mr. Barnhill, you’re too much. Just too tooooooooo much. Oh my – I think I’m gonna-!”
Vera shuts the recording off.
Cameron is still under Vera’s skirt.
Vera:Baby?
Cameron: Yeth?
Vera:I’m going to shimmy out now. Very slowly.
Cameron emerges with the panties stuck in his teeth.
Cameron: Thorry. I tried. It’s just… the gap in my teeth. Ith appawently the perfect thize to twap thome panthieth. (Translation: Sorry. I tried. It’s just… the gap in my teeth. It’s apparently the perfect size to trap some panties.)
Vera gently disengages the panties from his teeth.
Cameron: Damn tooth gap.
Vera:I love your tooth gap.
She kisses him on the tooth.
I love you.
Cameron: I love you too. I’m sorry. I wanted to give you your fantasy.
Vera:My fantasy is not being slammed against a wall and having my panties ripped off while another man says sexy things over my blue tooth speaker.
Cameron: No?
Vera:No. I just want to feel close to you. I want to know you’re listening.
Cameron: I’m listening. So what are you uh- What are you… saying?
She whispers in his ear and kisses down his jawline.
I can do that.
They kiss and lower together onto their bed.
EPILOGUE
One Month later.
Housing Works Book Store Café.
Jennifer is sitting at a café table scrolling on her phone.
Neil:Uh-oh. What are you doing?
Jennifer: What.
Neil:I can tell by your face. You’re reading your Audible reviews, aren’t you?
Jennifer: No? Yes. Have I entered the 9th circle of hell?
Neil:You have. Step away from the phone.
Jennifer: I don’t think I can though. One minute I’m “the lady audio messiah the world’s been waiting for,” the next I’m an empty robot.
Neil:That’s ridiculous.
Jennifer: Karen Buchanan from Missouri said “The female narrator sounds exactly like Siri, only emptier and more robotic.”
Neil:Everyone knows Siri is sexy. Besides, Karen is an idiot.
Jennifer: You know her?
Neil:They’re all named Karen.
Jennifer: Here’s another one. “The female narrator sounded like a prostitute just laying there and taking it she was so bland.”
Neil:Lying.
Jennifer: Yeah? It’s a lie?
Neil:Hell yeah, I really thought it sounded like you were being railed!
Jennifer: Really?
Neil:And enjoying it, yes!
Jennifer: Ok good!
Neil:But I actually meant “lying” as in she should have said “The female narrator sounded like she was just LYING there taking it she was so bland.” Not laying. Lay is a verb that commonly means “to put or set something down.” Lie is a verb that commonly means “to be in or to assume a horizontal position.” In other words, lay takes a direct object, and lie does not. If Karen is going to be critical she should at least use proper English.
Jennifer: Nervous?
Neil:Yeah. My lady is here tonight, helping out.
Jennifer: “Your lady,” ooooooooooh.
Neil:Hey look! (grabbing her phone) Christa from Des Moines says “Why doesn’t this female narrator do ALL the books. She’s amazing. Give her ALL the books.”
Jennifer: Well, that’s nice.
Neil:Listen. It’s all true and none of it’s true. Just focus on the work itself and you’ll be fine. (quick beat) I’m thrilled you’re here.
Jennifer: Wouldn’t miss it.
Neil:I thought you “couldn’t see yourself attending something like this.”
Jennifer: Expanding my horizons I guess.
Atticus enters.
Neil: Hey man! Thanks for coming.
Atticus bows in Neil’s direction and snaps his fingers as “applause.”
Neil takes his place behind a set of bongos and starts playing lightly. Atticus sits next to Jennifer as Cameron and Vera enter and take a seat at the café table across from them.
Atticus: (acknowledging her)
Niffer.
Jennifer: Attiboy.
Atticus: Good to see you, friend. I hear we’re on “Stepdaddy’s Secret” together next week.
Jennifer: Seems so.
Atticus: Looking forward to it. It’s been nice having a co-collaborator.
Jennifer: It’s been… alright, yeah.
Vera:Cameron. Bit of an odd choice for a date isn’t it?
Cameron: Eh. Something different.
Cameron’s knee starts to bounce.
Vera settles it with her hand.
Vera:You ok?
Cameron: Yeah. I’m great.
Atticus: Vera! Hey there listener! This guy your hermit crab?
Cameron: What did he say?
Vera:Oh hi, Atticus! (to Cameron) That’s uh – that’s…
Cameron: I recognize the voice. Believe me.
Cameron stands, puffs out his chest and turns to Atticus.
(deepening his voice dramatically)
Hi. I’m Cameron. Vera’s husband.
Atticus: (voice going deeper)
Lucky man.
Cameron: (voice going deeper still)
I am indeed.
Vera:Alright, don’t hurt yourself now.
A flourish of bongo drumming begins as Georgia takes the tiny stage.
The room snaps.
Vera:(under her breath)
It’s her it’s her oh my gosh it’s her!
Georgia: Welcome everyone and thank you for attending this evening’s open mic of Sensual Story Bites Backed up by Bodacious Bongos – a Working Title. I am Georgia Westwood and I am thrilled to be your guest emcee tonight while I’m in town visiting my luscious lover.
Atticus: (catcalling Neil)
Yeeeeah Luscious Lov-ah!
Georgia: That’s right! Providing the humping, pumping, heart-thumping beats throughout the evening as always is Neil.
The room snaps while Neil does another mini drum solo.
So let’s get right to it. First up we have Cameron, a Fantasy-Thriller-Sci-Fi Epic-with Time Travel Elements writer who is workshopping… something new. Let’s hear it for Cameron!
The room snaps.
Vera:(under her breath)
What are you doing? You hate these sorts of things!
Cameron: True. But I love you.
He kisses her quickly, unfolds a piece of paper, then takes the tiny stage.
Hello everybody. Thank you uh – thank you for – Well, I’m just going to dive right in here.
Vera:Oh my god.
Neil starts a steady, soft drumming.
Cameron: “I landed. After years of shuttling through space at warp speed, watching worlds whizz past my tiny porthole… I landed. Back on her planet again. Would she still be here though? Would she have waited for me? A cyborg could only hope. I had been such a selfish cybernetic organism, so wrapped up in my own programming I barely considered that our collective circuitry, which had been so beautifully intertwined in the earlier years was now in desperate need of a reboot.”