The Best of Robert E. Howard Volume 1 The Best of Robert E. Howard Volume 1

by Robert E. Howard

  I am the worm at the root, I am the thief in the night.

  I am the rat in the wall, the leper that leers at the gate;

  I am the ghost in the hall, herald of horror and hate.

  I am the rust on the corn, I am the smut on the wheat,

  Laughing man’s labor to scorn, weaving a web for his feet.

  I am canker and mildew and blight, danger and death and decay;

  The rot of the rain by night, the blast of the sun by day.

  I warp and wither with drouth, I work in the swamp’s foul yeast;

  I bring the black plague from the south and the leprosy in from the east.

  I rend from the hemlock boughs wine steeped in the petals of dooms;

  Where the fat black serpents drowse I gather the Upas blooms.

  I have plumbed the northern ice for a spell like frozen lead;

  In lost gray fields of rice, I have learned from Mongol dead.

  Where a bleak black mountain stands I have looted grisly caves;

  I have digged in the desert sands to plunder terrible graves.

  Never the sun goes forth, never the moon glows red,

  But out of the south or the north, I come with the slavering dead.

  I come with hideous spells, black chants and ghastly tunes;

  I have looted the hidden hells and plundered the lost black moons.

  There was never a king or priest to cheer me by word or look,

  There was never a man or beast in the blood-black ways I took.

  There were crimson gulfs unplumbed, there were black wings over a sea;

  There were pits where mad things drummed, and foaming blasphemy.

  There were vast ungodly tombs where slimy monsters dreamed;

  There were clouds like blood-drenched plumes where unborn

  demons screamed.

  There were ages dead to Time, and lands lost out of Space;

  There were adders in the slime, and a dim unholy Face.

  Oh, the heart in my breast turned stone, and the brain froze in my skull–

  But I won through, I alone, and poured my chalice full

  Of horrors and dooms and spells, black buds and bitter roots–

  From the hells beneath the hells, I bring you my deathly fruits.

  The Fightin’est Pair

  Me and my white bulldog Mike was peaceably taking our beer in a joint on the waterfront when Porkey Straus come piling in, plumb puffing with excitement.

  “Hey, Steve!” he yelped. “What you think? Joe Ritchie’s in port with Terror.”

  “Well?” I said.

  “Well, gee whiz,” he said, “you mean to set there and let on like you don’t know nothin’ about Terror, Ritchie’s fightin’ brindle bull? Why, he’s the pit champeen of the Asiatics. He’s killed more fightin’ dogs than–”

  “Yeah, yeah,” I said impatiently. “I know all about him. I been listenin’ to what a bear-cat he is for the last year, in every Asiatic port I’ve touched.”

  “Well,” said Porkey, “I’m afraid we ain’t goin’ to git to see him perform.”

  “Why not?” asked Johnnie Blinn, a shifty-eyed bar-keep.

  “Well,” said Porkey, “they ain’t a dog in Singapore to match ag’in’ him. Fritz Steinmann, which owns the pit and runs the dog fights, has scoured the port and they just ain’t no canine which their owners’ll risk ag’in’ Terror. Just my luck. The chance of a lifetime to see the fightin’est dog of ’em all perform. And they’s no first-class mutt to toss in with him. Say, Steve, why don't you let Mike fight him?”

  “Not a chance,” I growled. “Mike gets plenty of scrappin’ on the streets. Besides, I’ll tell you straight, I think dog fightin’ for money is a dirty low-down game. Take a couple of fine, upstandin’ dogs, full of ginger and fightin’ heart, and throw ’em in a concrete pit to tear each other’s throats out, just so a bunch of four-flushin’ tin-horns like you, which couldn’t take a punch or give one either, can make a few lousy dollars bettin’ on ’em.”

  “But they likes to fight,” argued Porkey. “It’s their nature.”

  “It’s the nature of any red-blooded critter to fight. Man or dog,” I said. “Let ’em fight on the streets, for bones or for fun, or just to see which is the best dog. But pit-fightin’ to the death is just too dirty for me to fool with, and I ain’t goin’ to get Mike into no such mess.”

  “Aw, let him alone, Porkey,” sneered Johnnie Blinn nastily. “He’s too chicken-hearted to mix in them rough games. Ain’t you, Sailor?”

  “Belay that,” I roared. “You keep a civil tongue in your head, you wharfside rat. I never did like you nohow, and one more crack like that gets you this.” I brandished my huge fist at him and he turned pale and started scrubbing the bar like he was trying for a record.

  “I wantcha to know that Mike can lick this Terror mutt,” I said, glaring at Porkey. “I’m fed up hearin’ fellers braggin’ on that brindle murderer. Mike can lick him. He can lick any dog in this lousy port, just like I can lick any man here. If Terror meets Mike on the street and gets fresh, he’ll get his belly-full. But Mike ain’t goin’ to get mixed up in no dirty racket like Fritz Steinmann runs and you can lay to that.” I made the last statement in a voice like a irritated bull, and smashed my fist down on the table so hard I splintered the wood, and made the decanters bounce on the bar.

  “Sure, sure, Steve,” soothed Porkey, pouring hisself a drink with a shaky hand. “No offense. No offense. Well, I gotta be goin’.”

  “So long,” I growled, and Porkey cruised off.

  Up strolled a man which had been standing by the bar. I knowed him–Philip D’Arcy, a man whose name is well known in all parts of the world. He was a tall, slim, athletic fellow, well dressed, with cold gray eyes and a steel-trap jaw. He was one of them gentleman adventurers, as they call ’em, and he’d did everything from running a revolution in South America and flying a war plane in a Balkan brawl, to exploring in the Congo. He was deadly with a six-gun, and as dangerous as a rattler when somebody crossed him.

  “That’s a fine dog you have, Costigan,” he said. “Clean white. Not a speck of any other color about him. That means good luck for his owner.”

  I knowed that D’Arcy had some pet superstitions of his own, like lots of men which live by their hands and wits like him.

  “Well,” I said, “anyway, he’s about the fightin’est dog you ever seen.”

  “I can tell that,” he said, stooping and eying Mike close. “Powerful jaws–not too undershot–good teeth–broad between the eyes–deep chest–legs that brace like iron. Costigan, I’ll give you a hundred dollars for him, just as he stands.”

  “You mean you want me to sell you Mike?” I asked kinda incredulous.

  “Sure. Why not?”

  “Why not!” I repeated indignantly. “Well, gee whiz, why not ask a man to sell his brother for a hundred dollars? Mike wouldn’t stand for it. Anyway, I wouldn’t do it.”

  “I need him,” persisted D’Arcy. “A white dog with a dark man–it means luck. White dogs have always been lucky for me. And my luck’s been running against me lately. I’ll give you a hundred and fifty.”

  “D’Arcy,” I said, “you couldst stand there and offer me money all day long and raise the ante every hand, but it wouldn’t be no good. Mike ain’t for sale. Him and me has knocked around the world together too long. They ain’t no use talkin’.”

  His eyes flashed for a second. He didn’t like to be crossed in any way. Then he shrugged his shoulders.

  “All right. We’ll forget it. I don’t blame you for thinking a lot of him. Let’s have a drink.”

  So we did and he left.

  I went and got me a shave, because I was matched to fight some tramp at Ace Larnigan’s Arena and I wanted to be in shape for the brawl. Well, afterwards I was walking down along the docks when I heard somebody go: “Hssst!”

  I looked around and saw a yellow hand beckon me from behind a stack of crates. I sauntered over, wondering what
it was all about, and there was a Chinese boy hiding there. He put his finger to his lips. Then quick he handed me a folded piece of paper, and beat it, before I couldst ask him anything.

  I opened the paper and it was a note in a woman’s handwriting which read: “Dear Steve, I have admired you for a long time at a distance, but have been too timid to make myself known to you. Would it be too much to ask you to give me an opportunity to tell you my emotions by word of mouth? If you care at all, I will meet you by the old Manchu House on the Tungen Road, just after dark. An affectionate admirer. P.S. Please, oh please be there! You have stole my heart away!”

  “Mike,” I said pensively, “ain’t it plumb peculiar the strange power I got over wimmen, even them I ain’t never seen? Here is a girl I don’t even know the name of, even, and she has been eatin’ her poor little heart out in solitude because of me. Well–” I hove a gentle sigh–“it’s a fatal gift, I’m afeared.”

  Mike yawned. Sometimes it looks like he ain’t got no romance at all about him. I went back to the barber shop and had the barber to put some ile on my hair and douse me with perfume. I always like to look genteel when I meet a feminine admirer.

  Then, as the evening was waxing away, as the poets say, I set forth for the narrow winding back street just off the waterfront proper. The natives call it the Tungen Road, for no particular reason as I can see. The lamps there is few and far between and generally dirty and dim. The street’s lined on both sides by lousy looking native shops and hovels. You’ll come to stretches which looks clean deserted and falling to ruins.

  Well, me and Mike was passing through just such a district when I heard sounds of some kind of a fracas in a dark alley-way we was passing. Feet scruffed. They was the sound of a blow and a voice yelled in English: “Halp! Halp! These Chinese is killin’ me!”

  “Hold everything,” I roared, jerking up my sleeves and plunging for the alley, with Mike at my heels. “Steve Costigan is on the job.”

  It was as dark as a stack of black cats in that alley. Plunging blind, I bumped into somebody and sunk a fist to the wrist in him. He gasped and fell away. I heard Mike roar suddenly and somebody howled bloody murder. Then wham! A blackjack or something like it smashed on my skull and I went to my knees.

  “That’s done yer, yer blawsted Yank,” said a nasty voice in the dark.

  “You’re a liar,” I gasped, coming up blind and groggy but hitting out wild and ferocious. One of my blind licks musta connected because I heard somebody cuss bitterly. And then wham, again come that blackjack on my dome. What little light they was, was behind me, and whoever it was slugging me, couldst see me better’n I could see him. That last smash put me down for the count, and he musta hit me again as I fell.

  I couldn’t of been out but a few minutes. I come to myself lying in the darkness and filth of the alley and I had a most splitting headache and dried blood was clotted on a cut in my scalp. I groped around and found a match in my pocket and struck it.

  The alley was empty. The ground was all tore up and they was some blood scattered around, but neither the thugs nor Mike was nowhere to be seen. I run down the alley, but it ended in a blank stone wall. So I come back onto the Tungen Road and looked up and down but seen nobody. I went mad.

  “Philip D’Arcy!” I yelled all of a sudden. “He done it. He stole Mike. He writ me that note. Unknown admirer, my eye. I been played for a sucker again. He thinks Mike’ll bring him luck. I’ll bring him luck, the double-crossin’ son-of-a-seacook. I’ll sock him so hard he’ll bite hisself in the ankle. I’ll bust him into so many pieces he’ll go through a sieve–”

  With these meditations, I was running down the street at full speed, and when I busted into a crowded thoroughfare, folks turned and looked at me in amazement. But I didn’t pay no heed. I was steering my course for the European Club, a kind of ritzy place where D’Arcy generally hung out. I was still going at top-speed when I run up the broad stone steps and was stopped by a pompous looking doorman which sniffed scornfully at my appearance, with my clothes torn and dirty from laying in the alley, and my hair all touseled and dried blood on my hair and face.

  “Lemme by,” I gritted, “I gotta see a mutt.”

  “Gorblime,” said the doorman. “You cawn’t go in there. This is a very exclusive club, don’t you know. Only gentlemen are allowed here. Cawn’t have a blawsted gorilla like you bursting in on the gentlemen. My word! Get along now before I call the police.”

  There wasn’t time to argue.

  With a howl of irritation I grabbed him by the neck and heaved him into a nearby goldfish pond. Leaving him floundering and howling, I kicked the door open and rushed in. I dashed through a wide hallway and found myself in a wide room with big French winders. That seemed to be the main club room, because it was very scrumptiously furnished and had all kinds of animal heads on the walls, alongside of crossed swords and rifles in racks.

  They was a number of Americans and Europeans setting around drinking whiskey-and-sodas, and playing cards. I seen Philip D’Arcy setting amongst a bunch of his club-members, evidently spinning yarns about his adventures. And I seen red.

  “D’Arcy!” I yelled, striding toward him regardless of the card tables I upset. “Where’s my dog?”

  Philip D’Arcy sprang up with a kind of gasp and all the club men jumped up too, looked amazed.

  “My word!” said a Englishman in a army officer’s uniform. “Who let this boundah in? Come, come, my man, you’ll have to get out of this.”

  “You keep your nose clear of this or I’ll bend it clean outa shape,” I howled, shaking my right mauler under the aforesaid nose. “This ain’t none of your business. D’Arcy, what you done with my dog?”

  “You’re drunk, Costigan,” he snapped. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “That’s a lie,” I screamed, crazy with rage. “You tried to buy Mike and then you had me slugged and him stole. I’m on to you, D’Arcy. You think because you’re a big shot and I’m just a common sailorman, you can take what you want. But you ain’t gettin’ away with it. You got Mike and you’re goin’ to give him back or I’ll tear your guts out. Where is he? Tell me before I choke it outa you.”

  “Costigan, you’re mad,” snarled D’Arcy, kind of white. “Do you know whom you’re threatening? I’ve killed men for less than that.”

  “You stole my dog!” I howled, so wild I hardly knowed what I was doing.

  “You’re a liar,” he rasped. Blind mad, I roared and crashed my right to his jaw before he could move. He went down like a slaughtered ox and laid still, blood trickling from the corner of his mouth. I went for him to strangle him with my bare hands, but all the club men closed in between us.

  “Grab him,” they yelled. “He’s killed D’Arcy. He’s drunk or crazy. Hold him until we can get the police.”

  “Belay there,” I roared, backing away with both fists cocked. “Lemme see the man that’ll grab me. I’ll knock his brains down his throat. When that rat comes to, tell him I ain’t through with him, not by a dam’ sight. I’ll get him if it’s the last thing I do.”

  And I stepped through one of them French winders and strode away cursing between my teeth. I walked for some time in a kind of red mist, forgetting all about the fight at Ace’s Arena, where I was already due. Then I got a idee. I was fully intending to get ahold of D’Arcy and choke the truth outa him, but they was no use trying that now. I’d catch him outside his club some time that night. Meanwhile, I thought of something else. I went into a saloon and got a big piece of white paper and a pencil, and with much labor, I printed out what I wanted to say. Then I went out and stuck it up on a wooden lamp-post where folks couldst read it. It said:

  I WILL PAY ANY MAN FIFTY DOLLARS ($50) THAT CAN FIND MY BULDOG MIKE WHICH WAS STOLE BY A LO-DOWN SCUNK.

  STEVE COSTIGAN.

  I was standing there reading it to see that the words was spelled right when a loafer said: “Mike stole? Too bad, Sailor. But where you goin’ to git the fifty t
o pay the reeward? Everybody knows you ain’t got no money.”

  “That’s right,” I said. So I wrote down underneath the rest:

  P.S. I AM GOING TO GET FIFTY DOLLARS FOR LICKING SOME MUTT AT ACE’S AREENER THAT IS WHERE THE REWARD MONEY IS COMING FROM.

  S. C.

  I then went morosely along the street wondering where Mike was and if he was being mistreated or anything. I moped into the Arena and found Ace walking the floor and pulling his hair.

  “Where you been?” he howled. “You realize you been keepin’ the crowd waitin’ a hour? Get into them ring togs.”

  “Let ’em wait,” I said sourly, setting down and pulling off my shoes. “Ace, a yellow-livered son-of-a-skunk stole my dog.”

  “Yeah?” said Ace, pulling out his watch and looking at it. “That’s tough, Steve. Hustle up and get into the ring, willya? The crowd’s about ready to tear the joint down.”

  I climbed into my trunks and bathrobe and mosied up the aisle, paying very little attention either to the hisses or cheers which greeted my appearance. I clumb into the ring and looked around for my opponent.

  “Where’s Grieson?” asked Ace.

  “’E ’asn’t showed up yet,” said the referee.

  “Ye gods and little fishes!” howled Ace, tearing his hair. “These boneheaded leather-pushers will drive me to a early doom. Do they think a pummoter’s got nothin’ else to do but set around all night and pacify a ragin’ mob whilst they play around? These thugs is goin’ to lynch us all if we don’t start some action right away.”

  “Here he comes,” said the referee as a bath-robed figger come hurrying down the aisle. Ace scowled bitterly and held up his hands to the frothing crowd.

  “The long delayed main event,” he said sourly. “Over in that corner, Sailor Costigan of the Sea Girl, weight 190 pounds. The mutt crawlin’ through the ropes is ‘Limey’ Grieson, weight 189. Get goin’–and I hope you both get knocked loop-legged.”