The Cowboy's Christmas Baby

by Carolyne Aarsen

  He stopped breathing for a moment, connected by the warmth of her palm and his hand on her face.

  “Erin,” he said softly, leaning in, trying to get closer to her.

  She didn’t look away and all the intervening years fell away as he closed the distance between them. As his lips brushed hers he felt as if he was finally where he should be.

  Her breath sighed against his mouth. Then her other hand came up and cupped his cheek, and when he gently pulled away they stayed connected. Hands. Eyes. Hearts.

  “You are such an amazing person,” he said, holding her gaze, wanting to extend the moment, to build on the connection they had just shared. “I’ve always admired you. Always appreciated who you were. You made me...made me want to be a better person.”

  Her expression hardened and the words he thought might encourage her made her pull back.

  Then she released a harsh laugh, pulling back from him and breaking the connection.

  “You don’t know anything about me anymore,” she said. “I’m not that same girl now.”

  “You may not think so, but I know you’re the same caring, loving person. The same faithful Christian.”

  She just looked at him. “I’m a single mother.”

  He heard the unspoken hurt in the words and guessed how she saw herself. “You have a little girl,” he said. “But to me that doesn’t change anything.”

  “I haven’t been in church for months.”

  “I didn’t think I belonged there, but church has become a place I feel like my soul can rest when I’m there. I feel like I get support and strength to carry on for the week.” He was quiet, realizing the irony of the situation. Him encouraging her to go to church when years ago it would have been the other way around. “Why don’t you come on Sunday?”

  She looked away from him, her eyes resting on some faraway place across the valley as if looking back over her life. “I don’t know. It will be hard.”

  “I’ll be there.”

  He threw the words out casually hoping they would encourage her.

  She gave him a weary look, then shook her head as if pushing the thought aside and quickly got to her feet, ending the conversation. “I think we should go back to the ranch.”

  Then before he could say anything, she turned and strode away from him, scattering leaves as she plunged into the underbrush.

  Dean dragged his hands over his face. This wasn’t the first time she’d pushed him away. But it was the first time he’d kissed her.

  He rolled onto his good knee and slowly got up, grabbing a nearby tree branch to stabilize himself. He caught his balance, his leg stiff and sore, frustration clawing at him once again. Had he misread her so badly?

  For a brief moment after he kissed her, he’d thought things were changing between them. But as he limped to where the horses were tied he realized he faced another dilemma. How to mount the horse with legs that still felt the strain of riding. He paused, watching Erin easily mount up.

  Please, Lord, he prayed as he walked over to his horse. Let me get on the horse in one go.

  After spilling his guts to her and having her push him away—again—he figured he could use a win.

  * * *

  Erin rode back to the ranch, her mind a whirl of emotions.

  What had she done? Why had she let Dean kiss her? She didn’t have room in her messy life for this. She wished she could put it behind her, but her heart was still trembling from the feel of his mouth on hers.

  Even now she was too aware of Dean behind her as they rode back to the ranch. How would she cope with him at her house every day after this?

  Roany whinnied as they came closer to the ranch and as they came around the barn she saw Jodie walking toward the house.

  What was she doing? Did she leave Caitlin alone in the house?

  But as her sister turned, Erin saw her holding her daughter, and her fear eased.

  Too vulnerable, she thought as her heart slowed again. Too many things happening too quickly. And the man behind her was part of her fragile and teetering emotions.

  Jodie walked toward them, and as she came nearer Erin caught her frown. “I thought you guys would be gone much longer,” Jodie called out.

  “I got sore,” Erin said. It wasn’t entirely untrue, though any stiffness she’d felt after not being in the saddle for so long had eased away by the time they came back to the ranch.

  “I figured you were being too ambitious taking on such a long ride.”

  “Bit off more than I could chew,” Erin muttered as she slowly dismounted. She loosened the halter rope off the saddle horn and tied Roany to the hitching rail, dismayed to see her hands still trembling.

  “Did you at least have fun?”

  Erin chose to ignore the insinuation in her sister’s voice, baffled once again at the shift in Jodie’s attitude toward Dean.

  Which, in turn, only proved to show her how completely the axis of her life had tilted.

  “Yeah, it was good” was all she said, keeping any emotion out of her voice.

  She caught Jodie’s puzzled look but ignored her, slipping the reins over Roany’s head and letting him spit out the bit.

  “How are you feeling, Dean?” Jodie called out, looking past Erin to where she guessed Dean was slowly dismounting.

  Erin tried not to pay attention to him, just as she had back in the clearing when he’d struggled to get back on his horse. Though she hadn’t looked directly at him it had been painful to witness what she had. At one time Dean could easily vault on a horse in one smooth movement and had, the few occasions she’d seen him, done so with a flourish and a cocky tip of his hat to her.

  But this Dean was awkward and ungainly and she guessed, ashamed of his disability. As a consequence the ride back to the ranch had been quiet. And the entire time Erin had stayed ahead of Dean, struggling with her changing emotions.

  They were having such a nice visit until he’d brought up the past. The other Erin.

  There was always a part of me that wanted to be worthy of you.

  She knew he meant the words as an encouragement and at one time they might have been. But now, after the past year of her life, they felt more like a condemnation. She who had prided herself on her values, her faith, had helped a married man break his promises.

  “I’m okay. I’ll be stiff this afternoon,” Dean said with a grunt as he slipped the saddle off Mickey.

  Erin finally got her own saddle off and set it on its edge by the fence. Dean was already leading his horse to the pasture. He favored his good leg more than ever and again Erin looked away, quite sure he didn’t want spectators.

  Then Caitlin let go a little peep, lifting her head from Jodie’s shoulder, then dropping it again.

  “Can you take Roany back to the pasture?” Erin asked, handing the reins to her sister. “I’ll take Caitlin.”

  Jodie did as she was asked, shifting Caitlin to Erin’s arms and taking the reins.

  Erin held her daughter close, brushing a gentle kiss over her head, inhaling the sweet, precious scent of her as she hurried back to the house. She probably should thank Dean for coming with her on the ride, but she wasn’t the one who had asked him so she figured Jodie could do the honors.

  She just wanted to retreat, to create some space between Dean’s words and her present reality. But as she stepped into the house, she realized her mistake.

  Memories of her father’s letter bombarded her as she walked into the living room. She had sat exactly here while she read the letter that stated the same things Dean had just told her. What a good, sweet girl she was and how sorry he was that he didn’t take care of her or appreciate her like he should have.

  If she was a more philosophical person she might think her relationship with Sam was a way of dealing with her “dadd
y” issues. But the reality was simpler. She thought she loved him and he would give her the happily-ever-after she had always envisioned. A husband. A home. And someday, a family.

  First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes Erin with a baby carriage.

  But she’d got that wrong, too.

  She looked down at her daughter, a motherly rush of love washing over her.

  “I promise to take care of you,” she whispered.

  And even as she spoke her errant thoughts drifted back to Dean and the kiss they’d shared. The changing of the relationship she didn’t dare indulge in.

  She put Caitlin in her bouncy chair, then hurried to wash her hands. But through the window above the sink she could look over the yard.

  Jodie and Dean were talking while he brushed down the horses. She saw Jodie’s hands fluttering the way they always did when she was fired up about something. Erin wondered what it could be.

  She settled on the couch, watching Caitlin, who was batting her tiny hands at the animals suspended above the bouncy chair. She had already grown so much and was becoming more aware of her surroundings. And each change made Erin realize how much her baby depended on her to make a home and a place.

  Erin leaned forward to adjust her blanket around her legs and as she did she saw a Bible sitting on the table. Jodie’s? Lauren’s? Did it matter?

  One of her sisters was nourishing her soul.

  Erin had moved away from her God the past year. Sam wasn’t a Christian and though he had never mocked her faith, he had never encouraged it, either.

  And why would he? That would mean coming face-to-face with what he was doing to his family.

  She pulled the Bible closer and opened it to one of the bookmarked pages.

  Her eyes skimmed over the verses, then stopped at one that was underlined.

  “Psalm 146:9. The Lord watches over the foreigner and sustains the widow and the fatherless.”

  The passage struck a chord deep in her lonely soul.

  Her daughter was fatherless and it hurt Erin more than she could say. She had grown up in a broken family and she wanted more than the mess that was her childhood for any child she would have.

  Erin put the Bible down and pressed her fingers to her eyes, other memories intruding on her fragile peace. During the last few months of their relationship things hadn’t been going well for her and Sam. She had talked about ending it. But Sam had broken down, pleading with her to stay with him. In a moment of weakness and possibly fear of being alone, Erin had given in.

  It was that night Caitlin was conceived.

  And it was a week later that Sam’s wife, Helen, holding their five-year-old daughter, stood on her doorstep, begging her to let Sam go. To stop seeing him.

  That was the first she’d known of Sam’s marriage and his unfaithfulness to his wife. She’d broken up with him immediately.

  Five weeks later she found out she was pregnant.

  Erin fought down the memories, wishing she could find some peace from the guilt and shame that haunted her still. She was tired of crying over things she couldn’t control and the breakdown of a marriage she knew nothing about.

  Yet she felt responsible.

  Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

  The Bible verse from Romans that she had at one time memorized shimmered on the edges of her mind like a promise. But somehow she couldn’t make it real or make it her own.

  Then the door opened and her sister swept in, scattering her self-recrimination.

  “Has Dean left?” she asked, quickly setting the Bible aside.

  “Yes. Did you want him to stay?”

  Erin waved off her question. “Just curious, that’s all.”

  “So, did you enjoy yourself?” Jodie asked, lowering herself to the floor beside her niece. She stroked Caitlin’s cheek and was rewarded with a lopsided smile. “Look, she’s smiling at me.”

  “It’s just gas,” Erin returned.

  “You say gas, I say smile.” Jodie seemed unfazed by Erin’s semigrouchy reply as she lifted Caitlin out of the chair. “And you love your Aunty Jodie, don’t you,” she said, switching to the singsongy tone women everywhere use with babies. “You been giving Aunty Jodie smiles all morning though it was a lot shorter morning than I thought it would be. Mommy says she got stiff and sore, but I think something else was going on, don’t you?”

  Erin chose to ignore her sister’s not-so-subtle subtext. “I should probably head home, too.”

  “To what?” Jodie gave her a pointed look.

  “I need to get some work done before I order flooring. I’m thinking of redoing the kitchen. Putting tile down there and hardwood in the living room.”

  But Jodie would not be deflected. “Dean seemed in a rush to leave.”

  Erin guessed her sister was fishing, but Erin wasn’t biting.

  “Did you have a fight with him?” Jodie pressed. “Did he come on to you again?”

  Erin thought of that moment when his hand had cupped her chin. That electric moment when they had kissed.

  “He did, didn’t he?”

  “You wouldn’t have sounded so happy about that a few years ago.” Erin knew the blush warming her cheeks only affirmed what her sister said, so she didn’t bother refuting the comment.

  “I know. But people change,” Jodie said. “He comes to church now and I know it means something to him.”

  And didn’t that only add to her own burdens? “I’ve changed a lot the past few years, too.”

  Jodie looked down at Caitlin, the clear evidence of that change.

  “How much different are you from when you were younger. The dear, sweet sister we’ve always loved?”

  “Enough to have a baby.”

  Jodie snorted. “Seriously, do you think you’re the only female in the history of women who ended up in this situation?”

  “It’s not that simple.”

  “Actually, it’s fairly simple.”

  Erin wanted to challenge her statement, but if she did, too much would come out. Things she wasn’t ready to face herself.

  Jodie held her gaze for a few more beats, then nodded, as if acknowledging that this topic was closed.

  “So we’ll talk about something else. I was wondering if you would be willing to come with me to Bozeman next week. I thought you and Lauren could try on bridesmaid dresses.”

  “Of course. I have some time between jobs.”

  “What are you doing now?”

  “Book cover mock-ups for a publishing company I hope to get work with and an advertising campaign that isn’t due for a month yet.”

  “You’ve kept busy with your work?”

  “Not as busy as I want to be.” She could use some more of it. Like she’d told her sisters, she had a few feelers out, but nothing substantial had come back yet.

  From there the conversation slipped to Jodie’s job, Lauren working at the flower shop and the plans for Jodie’s wedding.

  But even as they talked, she couldn’t help the tiny flicker of unwelcome jealousy at how settled Jodie’s and Lauren’s lives had become. Future husbands, a home they would be sharing. She tried not to let panic come over her as she looked at Caitlin, so helpless and so dependent as she lay quiet in Jodie’s arms. The fact that she was solely responsible for her daughter’s upbringing became more real the more time she spent here.

  But you’re not on your own.

  She looked at her sister and though she knew that was true, she still felt left behind. Alone.

  You don’t have to be.

  And why did those words bring up a picture of Dean? Holding her chin, looking into her eyes as if offering her something.

  But did she dare take it?

  Cha
pter Nine

  Erin heard the sound of a vehicle and despite knowing it was Saturday and that Dean wasn’t coming to work today, either, she hurried to the window to see who it might be. But it was only a truck driving by on the road.

  She wondered if she had chased him away the day they went riding. He had tried to be kind and she had overreacted.

  Jan had phoned on Wednesday, full of apologies to tell her the windows had been delayed and could they come Monday instead. So Dean hadn’t come by, either. Thursday he’d told her he was stopping by to pick up some tools and she had taken extra care with her clothes, putting on one of the new outfits. But then Lauren had called to ask if she could come to town for lunch with her and Jodie. So she’d met her sisters in town, but by the time she’d returned she realized Dean had come and gone while she was away.

  He’d also told her he would help her measure the house for new flooring, but either he’d forgotten or was avoiding her. So to keep busy she had measured up the rooms herself and driven into town to order the flooring. She’d told herself repeatedly the past few days that she had done the right thing when they went riding. That her feelings for Dean were changing and she didn’t want to encourage something that couldn’t happen.

  The sound of Caitlin fussing snapped Erin from her thoughts. She walked back to her bedroom. Her little girl had been out of sorts all morning, which was unusual for her. Caitlin lay crying in the crib, her arms waving, her tiny fingers curled into miniature fists, her legs kicking with little jerks.

  “Oh, honey,” Erin cooed, picking her up and holding her close. Caitlin immediately grew quiet, snuffling against Erin’s neck, her tiny hands tangling in her mother’s hair.

  Erin frowned as she cuddled her. Her baby felt warmer than usual. Erin touched her head. Definitely warmer. The thermometer she had wasn’t working properly so she had no way of checking if she was running a fever or not.

  Should she take her to the doctor? Would it seem pointless? She wished she knew what to do. Jodie was in Great Falls today, and there was no answer when she called Lauren. She tried her aunt Laura’s phone, but there was no response there, either.