by J. Sterling
The summer flew by. I found an apartment to share next semester with another student with the help of the Film Production department head at Northern. He had given me his personal e-mail address after my counselor at State had reached out to him, and had been helping me in every step of my transfer journey. I knew he didn’t have to be so kind, but I was beyond thankful for the way he went out of his way for me. My classes were scheduled, I had a new place to live come fall, and I hadn’t even visited the campus yet.
Feeling like my upcoming journey was pretty much settled, I started working with my parents at their deli to occupy my time. Any moments that weren’t crazy busy were the emotional death of me. I needed all the help I could get to keep my mind and thoughts occupied so I wouldn’t focus on Nick’s silence, but it didn’t usually work. He was a force to be reckoned with. His memory refused to be pushed aside, even though he had easily dismissed me.
The moments when I really started to miss him, I reminded myself that he had looked me in the eye at my old apartment and told me he couldn’t stay faithful. I also reminded myself that he hadn’t called or texted me the entire summer. I knew he was busy working with his dad, but no excuse truly lessened the sting. I felt rejected, cast aside, discarded.
I was so mad that he could go day in and day out without reaching out to me, showing me with every twenty-four hours that passed how little he truly cared. But then I was so happy he didn’t reach out to me, terrified of how my heart and mind would react to any attention from him.
I was nothing if not a woman of extremes and contradictions.
One second I was so pissed at him for not asking me to stay. The next, I was so thankful that he hadn’t. My heart ached when I thought about him not fighting for me, for us. Just as quickly, my heart beat in relief that he had let us go.
“If he would have asked you to stay, what would you have said?” Rachel asked one night over the phone.
I planted the heels of my feet against my wall as I leaned back onto my mattress.
“I would have stayed,” I said with a long sigh. “At least, I really would have wanted to.”
“Maybe that’s exactly why he didn’t ask.”
“Or maybe he was happy to see me go?” I said it like a question, but the words tasted wrong in my mouth. My heart knew they were lies, but my bitter mind wanted them said anyway.
Rachel laughed. “You’re being stupid.”
“I know. How’s Trevor? Tell me something good, please, and not Nick-related.”
“He’s great. I’ve got nothing to report except we’re really happy. It’s sick, right?”
“No, it’s sweet. You deserve it.”
“Thanks, chica.”
“It’s true,” I said through a yawn. “Hey, did you ever give Nick back the poker chip?”
I’d pretended to have forgotten about Nick’s gift, but the truth was that that poker chip was on my mind almost as much as he was. What had it meant? Why had he given it to me?
She let out an uncomfortable laugh. “Not yet. I haven’t seen him since he started working for his dad. But I will, okay?”
“Okay. Maybe wait until I move up north so that I’m really far away when he gets pissed off about getting it back,” I suggested, hoping that the additional distance would lessen whatever reaction Nick had about it. If he had a reaction at all.
“I probably won’t see him before you leave anyway, but I’ll wait.”
“Thanks.”
“You’ll be okay, Jess. You know that, right?” Rachel’s tone softened as she lowered the protective wall she always maintained, allowing her sensitive side to come through.
“I do know that. Honestly, I think I’ve been doing okay considering I feel like my heart beats in broken pieces now.” A piece of my heart felt like it had lodged in my throat, and I was thankful to be alone and having this conversation on the phone instead of in person.
“You’ve been doing more than okay. You’ve been really great. I just know you’re hurting, even if you don’t say it all the time. I know what Nick did really messed with you, and I’m sorry. I wish I knew what he was thinking or why he did it.”
“He told me what he was thinking and why he did it, Rach. He was thinking that I wasn’t worth staying faithful for, that he could never date someone long-distance. He spelled it out for me. I don’t know what more you think there is to know.”
She groaned. “You know I think that’s all bullshit. Every word of it.”
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” I said with attitude. Because it didn’t. What Rachel thought, what I thought, none of it made a difference if Nick refused to change his mind.
“You’re right. I just want to see you happy again. Maybe you’ll meet someone super hot at your new school.”
“I think I’m done with guys for a while.” I let out a small giggle.
“Ha! And that’s when you find one. What will Nick do if he finds out you’re dating someone? Oh my God, I can’t even imagine. It’s going to be epic.”
I groaned, wondering when every single thing would stop revolving around Nick, or be associated with him. “First of all, I’m nowhere near ready for that. I really just want to focus on my classes.”
It was true. I did want to focus on my classes, to make contacts and hopefully score an incredible internship this semester. But even more true was the fact that my heart wasn’t ready to date, and neither was the rest of me. I wasn’t over Nick, and I wasn’t sure when I would be. Dating someone new hadn’t even factored into my mind until Rachel brought it up.
“Okay. Shit, Trevor’s here. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
“Night. Tell him I said hi.”
Once we’d hung up, I dropped my phone on the bed and allowed myself to be flooded with emotions.
I was excited to move to a brand-new place where I didn’t know anyone.
I was terrified to leave everyone I’d ever known for a brand-new place where I didn’t know anyone.
But mostly I felt sad and confused, and my heart ached in all the places where Nick had once lived. Apparently he’d permeated every part of me, because I currently hurt all over.
I settled into Northern California pretty easily. Sure, it was a completely different environment and atmosphere than what I was used to, but I was the one who decided to move, so I was determined to make the best of it.
My new roommate, Brooke, was really nice, but also a little socially awkward. When I walked into our apartment the first time, located conveniently across the street from campus, she barely glanced up from her computer to give me a smile, her light brown hair pulled back into a messy ponytail. As soon as I started bringing my things inside, she disappeared into her room and closed the door.
At first I thought she was rude, but soon learned that she was painfully shy. I wondered briefly how she would make it in a major like television production, but my reservations disappeared when she showed me an editing project she was working on for her YouTube channel. She was talented, smart, and creative, all things I wouldn’t have guessed simply by looking at her and observing her body language. Brooke was completely focused on her classes and I appreciated that, figuring she would help me stay focused too, instead of distracted with things I didn’t need, like guys.
I had to admit that even though the weather in Northern California was far colder than it was back home—which sucked—and the people were completely different, my classes were awesome. The school had state-of-the-art equipment, and I started working at the campus television station within my first month of arriving, getting the most hands-on training I’d ever had. I was completely enthralled and totally captivated, convinced I’d made the right decision to move, even when things outside of school didn’t always feel right.
I was more homesick than I ever thought possible, the feeling of not belonging and being in the wrong place nagging at me, but knew I needed to stay. I made sure that the positives outweighed the negatives in my mind; otherwise, I’d probably pack up my car
and leave in the middle of the night.
Rachel never believed me when I told her that the people up north were far less friendly than the ones in LA. Whenever I had walked through campus at State and said hi to people I didn’t know, they all responded or at least smiled back.
Not here.
When I said hi to a stranger, they looked at me like I had two heads and continued walking, never once responding to me or doing something as simple as smiling. I wasn’t acknowledged in the slightest, but Rachel didn’t believe me. She insisted that I was exaggerating. I couldn’t wait to prove her wrong the first time she came to visit.
As I was sitting on my bed, thinking about all the things I missed from home, my cell phone sang out its familiar ringtone for Rachel, pulling me from my pity party.
“I was just thinking about how much I missed you,” I told her.
“Come back.”
“Stop. It hurts me when you say that. Being away sucks. It’s so different up here.”
“You like it though, right?”
“Not really,” I admitted before pulling open the sliding glass door in my room. Stepping onto the oversized balcony, I sat down on the old couch we’d placed outside and propped my feet on the balcony railing. “But I love my classes. And the TV station is unbelievable.”
“That was the whole point right?”
I swallowed. “Right.”
“How’s your roommate?”
I thought about Brooke and how different she was from Rachel in every single way. “She’s . . .” I paused, unsure of how to describe her exactly.
“She’s what?”
“She’s really nice, but she’s super shy and doesn’t like to leave the apartment unless she’s going to the library or class.”
Rachel burst out laughing. “I’m so glad your roommate sucks,” she said between more fits of laughter.
“She doesn’t suck!” I whisper-shouted. “She’s just not you.”
“To be honest, Jess, I’m relieved. I was going to hate having to off your new roomie when I come visit.”
My ears perked up at her words. “Please tell me you’re not messing with me.”
“Why would I mess with you?”
“So you’re coming up here?” I asked hopefully.
“Are you coming down anytime soon?”
Her question made me want to pack a bag and leave the second we hung up.
“I want to, but probably not.” My class schedule wasn’t heavy enough to keep me away from home, but the extra nights I spent at the television station were a problem.
“Yes, I’m coming up.”
I squealed into the phone and slammed my feet up and down on the balcony floor in my excitement. “Thank God. I can’t wait to have you here!”
“Me either,” she said, sounding happy and upbeat before her tone changed. “So, I ran into Nick last night.”
My heart lurched straight into my throat. The simple mention of his name still affected me, made me feel . . . something. Even though I wished I didn’t, I missed him. It was easier trying to pretend I was fine than accept the reality that I wasn’t when I really wanted to be.
“Where?”
“At the bar near campus. He was so drunk, Jess. God, he wouldn’t shut up about you. He asked me a thousand questions. And he looked like hell.”
“Good,” I said, then immediately regretted it. “I don’t mean that.”
“Sure you do.”
I sighed. “It’s sick that I want him to hurt, but I’m hurting too, Rach. Still. And I want him to want me back. Why doesn’t he want me back?” I squeezed my eyes shut as a breeze blew over me.
“He had a one-track mind last night, and it was all you. I’m convinced he’s not over you. He asked if you were happy, how you liked your classes, if you were dating anyone, when you were coming back. God, he wouldn’t shut up, and I stopped answering him and told him if he wanted to know so bad, he could call you himself and ask. That shut him up real quick.”
I bit back a laugh. This wasn’t funny. My broken heart was no laughing matter. “Did he say he’d call?”
“No. He walked away.”
“I don’t understand him at all,” I admitted, feeling defeated.
“Me either sometimes.”
“Trying to figure him out gives me a headache.”
Despite that, I loved hearing all of this. Knowing that Nick had asked about me filled me with hope. Maybe we weren’t doomed. Maybe there was a future for us somewhere down the line.
“Before he walked away, though, Jess, he was crazy. Relentless. He forced me to answer one question, and he wouldn’t let go of my arm until I did.”
“What question?” I asked, on pins and needles waiting for her answer.
Rachel huffed into the phone. “He wanted to know if you were happy.”
I clutched my free hand against my chest. “What’d you tell him?”
“I told him you hated it and it sucked, but you were doing what you had to for your future.”
Pursing my lips, I nodded in agreement, even though she couldn’t see me. “What’d he say to that?”
“Nothing. That’s when he dropped my arm and walked away. But I chased after him.”
My heart raced inside my chest. “What? You did? Why?”
“Because I had that stupid poker chip in my purse, and I remembered only after he started practically running away. I pulled it out and gave it to him.”
My heart stopped racing, stopped beating completely. I held my breath, pain stabbing me in the gut. “What’d he say?”
“Nothing, but the expression on his face almost made me throw up. He looked like I’d kicked his puppy into oncoming traffic.”
“But he didn’t say anything?”
“No. He shoved it in his pocket and left. But I swear, Jess, he looked like he was about to fucking cry.”
“Yeah, right. Nick Fisher cry?” I fought back a sick laugh as my heart allowed the familiar ache of his loss to return. I honestly hated that we weren’t together. “I don’t believe it.”
Rachel let out a sad sigh. “I wouldn’t believe it either if I hadn’t seen it.”
I sat there with conflicted emotions swirling around inside me like the sea, pulling me under. I didn’t know which way was up, or how to break through to the surface. I was engulfed in an ocean of Nick, and assumed I probably always would be.
There was no getting over this guy.
Broken Silence
Jess
After hanging up with Rachel, I sucked in a long breath and headed back inside, wondering if my new roommate would want to actually leave the apartment for once and grab some food with me. I had to get the hell away from my own thoughts, and needed a distraction.
“Brooke?” I yelled from behind her closed door.
I waited, expecting to hear her shout back at me, but her door opened instead.
“Hey, Jess.”
“I was wondering if you wanted to grab some dinner or something?” I almost suggested going to a bar to drown my misery, but figured she’d never agree to that.
When she stayed silent for a beat longer, I added, “I really need to get out of here, and I could use the company.” It was more than I’d intended to say, but if I didn’t do a little extra prodding, I’d be eating alone. Again.
“Are you okay?” She tilted her head to the side, causing her long bangs to fall into her eyes.
I nodded. “I will be. Are you hungry?”
A soft smile lit up her face. “Yeah. Let me grab a sweatshirt.”
Relieved, I ran into my room to grab my own sweatshirt before meeting her in the living room. The evenings in Northern California got pretty cold. Even if it was eighty degrees during the day, which it rarely was, a chilly wind kicked up out of nowhere each night, making the need to cover up a necessity.
“Where should we go?” she asked as she tucked her hands into her front pockets.
“Um . . .” Shit. I hadn’t really thought that far ahead since
I’d assumed she’d say no. “Craving anything in particular?”
She shook her head.
“We can just go somewhere close, so we don’t have to drive and worry about parking,” I suggested, knowing that we had plenty of restaurant options within walking distance of our apartment.
“How about Sparks?”
I smiled at her suggestion. “Oh my gosh, yes. Barbecue sounds perfect.” I practically drooled, wondering why I hadn’t thought of it myself.
It was a quick five-minute walk to get there, and I silently thanked the food gods for the lack of a wait. No line was practically unheard of for a Saturday evening, but I wasn’t complaining.
When our hostess seated us, Brooke craned her neck, looking around as if she was searching for someone.
“Who are you looking for?” I asked, and her cheeks turned pink.
“Huh? Me? No one, why?”
She was a horrible liar.
“Oh my gosh, Brooke. You like someone who works here. Who is he, and how do I not know this?”
Brooke’s cheeks reddened even more as she reached across the high-top table and covered my mouth with her hand. “Jess, please be quiet.”
I let out a muffled laugh as she pulled her hand away. “Okay, okay. But you have to tell me everything.”
“There’s nothing to tell. I have a crush, but he doesn’t know I exist.” She rolled her brown eyes. “Typical, right? I’m such a stereotype.”
I glanced around at the guys working, wondering who it could be. I wasn’t sure why it surprised me so much that Brooke would be interested in someone. Even shy workaholics paid attention to their hearts sometimes.
When my gaze fell on a waiter with wavy blond hair, I glanced at Brooke to see where she was looking. Just as I had suspected, her eyes were glued to the back of this guy’s head.
“That him?” I asked with a subtle nod in his direction.
Her eyes snapped to mine. “Please don’t say anything, Jess. Please,” she begged, shifting in her seat.
“Why would I say anything? I don’t want to embarrass you.”
Her shoulders relaxed slightly, and I wondered exactly what kind of person Brooke thought I was. It was clear that she didn’t really know me, but to be fair, I didn’t know her very well either. We had gone out to dinner a total of two times since I moved in, and this was our third.
