by J. Sterling
I narrowed my eyes at the guy, wondering if I could place him. “Is he in our major?” I asked, and she shook her head.
“No, but he works here and at the campus library.”
Choking back a laugh, I felt things click into place in my mind. “And I thought you spent all your time at the library because you were such a good student.”
She gave me a sheepish look. “I am a good student. But I might spend more time there than is really necessary.”
“I would too,” I admitted with a smile.
“It’s not stupid, right?”
“I’m probably not the best person to ask, but if I liked someone who worked on campus, I’d spend all my time there stalking him. I’d never come home,” I said, half serious, half joking.
A waitress stopped at our table to take our order, and dropped off two glasses of water. Brooke relaxed a little more, probably because she was relieved that the cute guy wasn’t waiting on us.
Giving me a curious look, Brooke asked, “So, why aren’t you the best person to ask?” When I narrowed my eyes in confusion, she added, “About this kind of stuff. Do you have a boyfriend back in LA? I kind of assumed you did.”
My heart sank. I wasn’t sure where the hell it thought it was heading, but thoughts of Nick made it plummet without my consent.
“Really? Why would you assume that?”
She shrugged. “Because you don’t go to any of the fraternity parties. It doesn’t seem like you’re trying to meet anyone, so I thought you had someone back home.”
Emotions swirled through me. Talking about Nick with Rachel was one thing. It was easier, somehow, since she had gone through it all with me. But talk about him with Brooke? I didn’t even know where to begin, or how.
“It’s complicated,” I said before taking a gulp of my water. “Shit, it’s not complicated. I don’t know what it is.” That wasn’t entirely true. “It’s nothing. I don’t have a boyfriend back home. I did, but he broke up with me before I moved here.”
“He broke up with you? Why?” She leaned forward, seeming genuinely interested.
“I really don’t know. He said that he didn’t want to date long-distance. That it would never work.” I tried to say these things with as little emotion as possible, but knew I was failing when I felt that telltale burn behind my eyes. Dammit. I fucking hated that Nick still affected me this way, that he could still affect me at all.
Brooke leaned back, studying me a moment before stating, “He broke your heart.”
I couldn’t disagree. “He did.”
“And it’s still broken.”
My eyes began to fill. Furious with myself, I swiped a finger under my eyes and steadied myself. I wanted to argue with her. I wanted to convince her that she was wrong, that I was fine, that I was over it. Over him. But every aspect of that would have been a lie, and I wasn’t a liar. “It’s in a million pieces.”
She reached across the table and laid her hand on mine for a moment before she gave it a squeeze and pulled back. “I’ve never had a broken heart, so I don’t know what it feels like, but I’m really sorry he did that. And I’m sorry you’re hurt.”
“Thanks.” Sniffling, I grabbed my napkin and wiped away the tears that had escaped without my permission.
“Can I ask you something else?” she asked, and I nodded. “Have you talked to him since you moved up here?”
“I haven’t talked to him since I moved out of my apartment at State.”
“Not even a drunk text or a drunk anything?” she asked innocently, unable to hide her surprise.
A choked laugh escaped me at her question. “No. Not even a drunk anything.”
“Does that shock you? I mean, I’ve never had a boyfriend, so I really don’t know how any of this works other than what I see in movies or on TV, or read in books. But I feel like he shouldn’t be able to go all this time without talking to you.”
Brushing her question aside for a second, I said, “First of all, I can’t believe you’ve never had a boyfriend. We need to fix that.”
Brooke admitting she’d never had a boyfriend didn’t surprise me half as much as I pretended it had. She was a pretty girl, crazy smart, and had a lot to offer, but I knew it was her shyness that kept her single more than anything else.
“Second, does it shock me that he can go day in and day out without ever saying a single word to me or seeing how I am?” My heart seemed to stutter and stumble over itself. “Yes. Incredibly. Every day that passes, it hurts a little less, though. The shock is a little less jarring. I’ve come to expect that he won’t reach out, you know?”
“Have you reached out to him since you left? A drunk text or a drunk anything?” She smirked as our waitress came back to deliver our food.
I waited until our waitress disappeared to wherever it was that waitresses went when they weren’t doting on you. “No. I haven’t. He broke up with me, and I didn’t want to be that pathetic girl who couldn’t accept it. Even though half the time I feel exactly like that on the inside.”
Brooke frowned at me. “You’re not pathetic. You moved hundreds of miles away to come to a school you’d never even set eyes on before. You left behind everything and everyone that you loved to chase your dreams. That’s not pathetic, that’s brave.”
I’d never thought about my move in quite those terms before, but Brooke framing it that way made me think. I didn’t feel like I was being brave by deciding to move. It honestly felt like I had no other choice. That wasn’t bravery; that was doing what was necessary to get ahead.
“Thank you, Brooke. I appreciate it.”
We finished our dinner mostly in silence, except for a few moans from each of us as we ate the best barbecue in town. Once we’d finished and moved toward the door to leave, Brooke’s crush suddenly appeared, holding the door open for us.
“Good night, Brooke,” he said as he looked right into her eyes.
She fumbled a moment before saying, “Oh. Good night, Kenny. Thank you.”
Thrilled for her, I wanted to jump up and down, but I tamped down my enthusiasm until we were outside on the sidewalk.
“I guess he does know you exist,” I said before bumping her shoulder with mine, and grinned as a smile took over her face.
The night air had grown even colder, so we both walked quickly, as if we were in a race to get home. We couldn’t get there fast enough.
“Thanks again for coming to dinner. I needed that,” I said to Brooke once we walked into our chilly apartment and I flipped on the heat.
“It was nice,” she said, beaming. “We should do that more often.”
It was my turn to smile. “Yes, please.”
“Well, I have some work to finish, so I’m going to my room.”
“Okay. I’ll see you later,” I said as she closed her bedroom door.
I’d just walked into my own room when my cell phone started ringing, and I glanced down to check the caller ID.
When I saw Nick’s name, I wanted to throw up. What incredible timing. Had he sensed that I was just talking about him? That I’d just been saying how much it hurt that he could go all this time without reaching out to me?
My surprise faded as I remembered what Rachel had told me earlier about running into him last night. Half of me had expected this call, whether I’d admit it or not, especially after learning that Rachel had finally returned the poker chip to him.
The Ignore Call button flashed, tempting me to press it, but in the end I couldn’t bring myself to ignore him. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever be able to.
“Hello?” I tried to sound as composed as possible, but my heart was racing and I couldn’t feel my legs as I walked over to my bed and climbed on.
“Jess.”
Just the sound of him breathing my name over the phone line instantly sent flutters through me.
“Nick.”
“I gave the poker chip to you, Jess. It was for you. Why would you do that?”
My stomach clenched at how broke
n his voice sounded. “It didn’t seem right for me to keep it.”
“I wanted you to have it. I needed you to take a part of me with you when you left.”
He what? God, he was so confusing. This was so confusing. I didn’t know what to say in response to that, so I sat still, listening to him breathe into the line.
“Why are you so far away? Why did you leave? Fuck, Jess, why did you leave me?” His voice slurred, telling me he’d been drinking.
“Are you drunk?” I pretended to sound annoyed, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t annoyed or irritated at all.
This was Nick, my Nick. And even though he broke my heart when he told me he didn’t want to even try to be together, I couldn’t help the way I felt when it came to him. I still wanted him, and I was too surprised by his call to hate myself for it.
“A little,” he said. “God, why aren’t you here right now? I need you. I need you here.”
His words stopped my heart, and the sound of his voice silenced the thundering in my chest. I was certain he would always affect me this way.
“Listen to me, Jess—” He stopped for a second to yell at someone, and then spoke to me again. “Sorry. Listen to me. You don’t belong up there. You don’t belong where you’re at. You belong with me, and I’m coming to get you. Me and Dan are going to head up there tomorrow to pick you up, throw you over my shoulder, and bring you home. Do you hear me? I’m coming to get you and bring you home.”
Nerves surged through me as I struggled to not only think, but to breathe. Nick wanted to come get me? God, nothing sounded more appealing in this moment than him going all caveman on me, but I knew I couldn’t let him. I couldn’t leave here—this was my school now, and I couldn’t just leave in the middle of the semester.
“I can’t leave,” I said in a whisper.
“Yes, you can. Listen, Jess. For once, just listen.”
For once? I thought, then focused on what he was saying.
“I hate that you’re up there. I can’t fucking handle how far away you are from me. Do you understand that? Do you know how crazy I’m going every day without you? And besides, you don’t even like it up there. I know for a fact you don’t,” he said so convincingly, obviously believing what he was saying. “Rachel said you were miserable. She said you hate it up there. And it’s not where you belong, anyway. I’m coming to get you tomorrow, so start packing.”
My jaw fell open. Stunned, I felt torn in two. One side of me loved his utterly crazy, insane words, and wanted him to come up here and get me away from this place.
But the other side of me knew that what he was saying was impossible, unreasonable, and unrealistic. My parents would flip out, not to mention that the whole reason I had moved here in the first place was for my degree, and ultimately, my career. I was thriving at the TV station.
“Nick—”
“Don’t fight me on this.”
“You can’t come up here. I can’t go home with you.”
“Yes, I can. And yes, you can.”
“No, I can’t.”
“We can do this all night.”
“Don’t come up here. I’m begging you. Stay home.” What am I saying?
“I’m coming. I miss you so damn much. I can’t do this without you anymore. You need to come home. I need you. I love you.”
He . . . what?
He loves me? Since fucking when?
“That’s not fair,” I said as tears filled my eyes, torn between hating him for confessing these things in his inebriated state, and hoping he’d tell me more.
“What’s not?”
“You can’t tell me you love me now.” Trembling, I clenched the comforter with my free hand and pulled it around me.
“Well, I do, Jess. I should have told you months ago. I fell in love with you the night of the fraternity party, but I was too stupid to admit it.”
“Why are you doing this?”
“I told you already. I need you. You belong with me. We belong together. I need you to come home. Just be ready. I’ll be there tomorrow.”
With that demand, he ended the call, and my complete and utter freak-out began.
Was he really going to come up here and expect to be able to drag me home? He sounded pretty drunk—maybe he wouldn’t even remember calling me in the morning.
Nick said he loves me . . .
What an asshole. He couldn’t say it when we were together, but now that we were apart, and after months of not talking, this was when he decided to tell me that?
Love.
He clearly didn’t even know what the word meant.
What the hell was I supposed to do if he showed up here tomorrow? I fought the urge to call Rachel, not knowing what I’d say or how I’d explain anything to her.
I decided to sleep on it and see what the morning would bring. My stomach knotted as I curled up in a ball on my bed and tried to force myself to sleep.
Waiting
Jess
My night was filled with fitful dreams that kept me from sleeping soundly. I woke up feeling anxious, paranoid, and sick to my stomach. Would Nick really show up here to try to take me home? What the hell would I do if he came to my door?
And what the hell would I do if he didn’t?
Sure, I’d told him not to come. Begged him, actually, but he ended the call saying he was coming anyway. I considered texting him, just to see where his head was at now that he was probably sober, but I was too scared to do it, too terrified of what his answer might be. Logically, I knew him showing up here was a long shot, but somewhere deep down, I think I genuinely wanted him to.
That caveman inclination to come rescue the girl who didn’t need rescuing turned parts of me to silk. I would have never expected that a girl like me would like the things that he said last night, but I did. I wanted Nick to want me enough that he would do something crazy for me, to love me like he couldn’t live without me. Lord only knew how “well” I was living without him.
The hours passed as I stared between my bedside clock and my cell phone, refusing to move from my room. I kept the television playing in the background in an attempt to drown out the quiet, but I wasn’t paying any attention to it.
Instead, my mind churned with a million questions. Would he show up? How far away was he right now? Did he really love me?
My stomach rolled as the questions refused to stop. Questions that I could easily have the answers to if I dialed Nick’s number or sent him a text. But I was too scared to hear that he was still in So Cal, or that he didn’t remember calling me the night before. Too scared to hear it confirmed that he wasn’t on his way. My heart couldn’t take that reality. So I sat alone in my room and waited, like the coward I was.
By four in the afternoon, the realization that he wasn’t coming started to set in. The disappointment was far greater than I ever expected it to be, and I leaned back on my bed and reached for my phone.
“Chica,” Rachel shouted into my ear as music blared in the background.
“Rach?” I said softly.
“Jess? What’s wrong?” she asked, and the music stopped suddenly.
“Are you busy? Can you talk?”
“I can talk. I was just rocking out while I was cleaning. What’s up?”
I wasn’t sure what to say or where to start, so I decided to start at the beginning. “Nick called me last night.”
“Last night? And you’re just telling me this now? It’s after four, Jess! The hell?”
“I know. I wanted to call you, but I was so confused.”
She breathed a laugh into the phone. “What’d he do now? Oh, was it about the poker chip? I bet it was about the chip, wasn’t it? How pissed was he?”
She started talking a mile a minute the way she always did, and it made me miss her even more than usual.
“He mentioned the chip, but that wasn’t really why he called.”
“Jess, you’re being weird and cryptic, and I need you to get to the point because I’m literally dying here. I can
feel myself withering away while I wait for you to tell me what the hell Nick Fisher said to you last night!” She yelled this last part so loudly, I had to move the phone away from my ear.
I waited a beat before blurting, “He said he was coming up here to take me home.”
“He what?” she asked, her tone completely incredulous.
“He said he was bringing me home, that he knew I wasn’t happy. He said I didn’t belong up here. That I belonged with him.”
For once, Rachel was quiet on the other end of the line.
Too quiet. For too long.
“Rach?”
“I’m here. I’m processing.”
Shit. If Rachel needed time to process, then how the hell was I supposed to feel?
“I can’t believe he called you and said that,” she finally said.
“I know. And I’m just sitting here like an idiot, waiting for him to show up at my front door so I can jump into his arms like some fairy-tale princess.”
“Tell me you didn’t start packing,” she said in a sarcastic tone, and I let out a small laugh.
“Yeah, right. I haven’t packed a thing. I can’t move home in the middle of the semester—” I started to say before correcting myself. “I can’t move back home at all until I graduate.”
“I know. Trust me, I know.” She sucked in a breath and released it slowly. “Okay, so, what else did he say? He said he was coming up today and bringing you home?”
I nodded, even though she couldn’t see me. “Uh-huh. He might have also said he loved me.”
“Jess, stop. This is too much craziness for one phone call. My little Latin heart can’t take anymore.”
This caused a real laugh to escape from my chest. “Your heart can’t take it? How do you think mine feels right now, knowing that he isn’t coming?”
“You wanted him to come?”
“Of course I don’t want him to come. But he called and said he was, and I got all confused about that. I mean, it would have been a nice gesture, right? Him showing up here, all knight in shining armor, to take me home.”
