The Hidden Years

by Penny Jordan

  She was already half prepared for it. Hiding her anger and fear, her pain, she kept her head bowed over her plate and said levelly, 'If you think that's best, Edward…'

  'I do,' he told her curtly.

  As she finished reading the page Sage discovered that she was weeping.

  'Oh, my God, oh, my God…' she repeated the words, mindlessly burying her head in her hands as she let the tears come… All these years and she hadn't known, hadn't realised… All these years when her mother had protected her, cared for her, loved her… all these years when she had carried the burden of her own knowledge…

  Even after Edward's death, when she could have told her… could have acquitted herself.

  She picked up the diary and raced towards the door, flinging it open and crying, 'Faye! Faye!'

  CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE

  Sage prowled the room restlessly, pausing every now and then to see how much more Faye had to read.

  When her sister-in-law had come hurrying in, in answer to her frantic call, she had been too emotionally overwhelmed to do much more than thrust the diary at her and demand chokily, 'Here… read this last section… Quickly, Faye, please…'

  Now, as Faye turned the last page and put down the diary, they stared at one another in silence.

  'You never knew, never had any idea?' Faye asked slowly.

  Sage shook her head. 'No… Did you?'

  Faye sighed. 'No…no, I didn't… What an awful burden for your mother to have to carry. And when I think how selfishly I added my own burdens to hers. No wonder your father…' She caught herself up and added, 'Edward was so devastated when David was killed.'

  'Yes,' Sage agreed sadly. 'I can understand everything so much better now. My mother dared not show me too much love in case my… in case Edward resented it. And then, just when she must have been thinking she could start to relax, just when I was almost adult, I had to go and fall in love with my own brother… My twin brother…' Sage closed her eyes. 'No wonder I always felt so close to him… I wonder if he knows, if he… Lewis McLaren…'

  She couldn't bring herself to refer to him as her father. That knowledge was too new, too sharply painful. That time when she had gone to see Scott… He must have known then, must have known, and yet he had made no attempt to see her.

  'We'll have to tell him,' Faye told her briskly. 'He has a right to know.'

  Sage stared at her. 'But he might not want to know. He could have married someone else.'

  Faye frowned and then said softly, 'Not Lewis, Sage. I meant Scott. He has a right to know about your mother's condition. As much right as either of us.'

  Sage tensed, her eyes widening slightly, the pupils suddenly enormous, giving her an unfamiliar air of vulnerability.

  'Yes. Yes. You're right,' she agreed shakily. 'Of course he has a right… She's his mother too. Oh, my God… Faye… It's such a shock… I can't believe… God, what she must have gone through when I brought Scott home that time and she realised…'

  Looking at the downbent russet head, Faye wondered if Sage realised how betraying it was that her concern, her compassion was all for her mother and not for herself.

  'I think perhaps Scott does know,' Faye told her thoughtfully. 'Perhaps it was only by telling him that Lewis McLaren could ensure that he made no attempts to get in touch with you.'

  'Maybe, I don't know. I don't feel as though I know anything any more. All these years when I thought she didn't care, didn't really want me, didn't love me as she did David, when all the time…'

  'All the time you were the child she treasured,' Faye finished for her. 'That must have been so dreadful for her… wanting to show you how much she cared and yet at the same time being forced to protect you from Edward's jealousy. Having to keep her love for you hidden for your own sake. It comes across so clearly from her diaries how terrified she was in those early years that Edward would change his mind about allowing her to keep you.'

  'Yes,' Sage agreed in a low voice, 'and I didn't help matters either, did I? Do you really think we should tell Scott?' she asked Faye.

  'Yes… But I'm not sure how we're going to do it… A letter, I suppose.'

  'Or a telephone call,' Sage suggested.

  'Yes, even better, but we don't have the number.'

  There was a small silence and then Sage said huskily, 'I have the number!'

  'Do you still love him?' Faye asked her compassionately, sensitively aware of all that the words cloaked.

  Sage shook her head. 'Not in the way you mean—as a potential lover—but the memory of him still causes me pain. I've…' she hesitated, groping for the right words '…I've missed him, felt as though I've been missing a part of myself. I've always put that down to the fact that I had such a bad relationship with my… with Edward, that his rejection followed by Scott's was responsible for the fact that I've been left with this residue of aloneness, of loss. After reading Mother's diaries, I wonder if there isn't a different and more simple explanation—if it's just that a part of me subconsciously recognised the blood bond we shared, and that it's because we're twins that I've been so aware of a sense of loss. And yet I never knew. No one ever said.'

  'Yes, your mother writes in her diary that it was decided to announce that Scott—Nicholas, as she'd called him, Lewis McLaren understandably must have renamed him—that Scott had died, and that because she couldn't endure to be reminded of his death the subject simply wasn't to be mentioned.'

  'And it hasn't been. When you think of how easily I could have found out, if not that Scott was my twin then at least that there had been another child… all these years and I never knew.'

  Faye shrugged. 'Well, I suppose most people must have assumed that you did know and that, like your mother, you didn't want to be reminded of the subject.'

  'Chivers would have known, of course, but he was loyal to both of my parents and wouldn't have discussed family matters with me. I was too immature anyway, and he died, peacefully, I understand, when I was twenty-three. Well, I'll go upstairs and get that number. I hope that Scott does know, otherwise all this is going to come as a terrible shock to him.'

  She paused, looking hesitant and uncertain. 'Do you think—?'

  'I think your mother needs all the help she can get to pull through this operation… And I think that when she comes round and finds you and Scott both there…'

  'Yes,' Sage agreed shakily. 'Yes, you're right…'

  She found the number in the old address book she had kept without really knowing why she should give in to such sentimentality. As she looked at it, she remembered the last time she had used it and been told that Mr Scott McLaren wasn't accepting calls from her.

  How that had hurt. She closed her eyes, remembering, shivering a little as she reflected on how close she had been to disaster. Thank goodness she and Scott had never been lovers. Even unknowingly, to have made love with her own brother, her twin, would have caused her such deep inner revulsion that she didn't think she could have borne such hurt… not even now with so many years to distance her from it… Something else for which she had to thank her mother's vigilance… and Lewis McLaren's—her father!

  For the first time she wondered what his reaction must have been when he had heard from her mother after all those years. Heard from her to learn that his son and her daughter… their children were on the brink of becoming lovers.

  Another shiver chilled her skin. She could feel the sharp pain in her throat which heralded tears. This was not the time to start crying. There was too much to be done.

  She hurried downstairs with her address book and handed it to Faye.

  'I'm afraid you're going to have to make the call,' she told her sister-in-law. 'I don't think—'

  She broke off as Camilla suddenly came into the room, and then stopped as though she had come up against some physical barrier. Sage smiled grimly to herself. The emotions let loose in this room in the last hour were strong enough to permeate the atmosphere for days. It was no wonder that Camilla was looking s
o apprehensive, so fearful…

  'What is it?' she demanded sharply. 'Is it Gran, has something—?'

  'No, no, it's nothing,' Faye reassured her. 'Why don't you go upstairs and get changed and—?'

  'No…' Sage interrupted huskily. 'No, I think we should tell her. I'm beginning to think there have been too many secrets in this family. All of them for the best of motives but—'

  'Tell me what?' Camilla demanded, plainly bewildered.

  Quickly, and as detachedly as she could, Sage explained to her what she had discovered.

  'You have a twin brother?' Camilla stared at her and then flopped down into one of the chairs. 'Goodness… Does he know? What's he like? I—'

  'No questions, please, Camilla,' Faye interrupted firmly. 'Sage has had rather a shock, and the last thing she wants right now is to be pestered by you. I'll make that call now, shall I?' she asked Sage.

  Shakily Sage nodded her head, while Camilla begged urgently, 'What call, Ma… will someone please tell me what's going on? I—'

  'Don't be so impatient, Cam… We'll use this phone, shall we, Sage?' Faye appealed. 'It seems more appropriate somehow to make the call here from Liz's own personal room.'

  'Yes,' Sage agreed, smiling at her. 'Yes—this phone.'

  Half of her wanted desperately to be the one to make the call, the other half… the other half wanted to get up and run as fast and as far. from this room as she could do. She was quite frankly terrified of what Scott's reaction was going to be. What if he didn't know—what if he didn't want to know? And what about his father…her father?

  She turned her back while Faye made the call, her mouth suddenly going dry, while sickness churned acidly through her stomach. She heard Faye clearing her throat as though she too was nervous, and then she heard her sister-in-law asking firmly, 'Yes… I'd like to speak with Mr Scott McLaren, please. My name's Faye Danvers— I doubt if that will mean anything to him… Yes… yes, I'll hold.'

  Covering the mouthpiece, she turned to Sage and said quickly, 'The housekeeper's gone to find him, she said she thought he was in the office.'

  'Mmm… From what Scott told me the homestead, as they call it, is a vast complex of buildings.'

  She stopped speaking as Faye suddenly frowned and removed her hand from the receiver. As clearly as though she had been holding the phone herself, Sage heard a crisp, mature male voice saying, 'McLaren speaking.'

  McLaren. Not Scott. She was sure of that, and so it seemed was Faye.

  'Mr Lewis McLaren…?' she heard Faye saying hesitantly. 'I actually wished to speak with Scott McLaren.'

  There was a small pause, and then to her shock Sage heard Faye saying huskily, 'Mr McLaren, you don't know me, but I'm sure you recognise my surname. My mother-in-law is Liz Danvers. Liz was knocked down and injured in a traffic accident some time ago. She's in hospital at the moment awaiting surgery.'

  Faye hesitated, and then her voice softened as she said reassuringly, 'No… no… she is holding her own, but the operation is a major one. For a while after the accident Liz was conscious, and she instructed us—that is myself, and Sage, her daughter—to read the diaries which she had kept ever since she was a teenager. To cut a long story short, Mr McLaren, Sage and I have just discovered, that… that Scott and Sage are twins. We thought… that is to say I thought, that if Scott is aware that Liz is his mother that he would want to know…'

  'Yes… yes, the surgeon has assured us that Liz is well enough to undergo the operation. They've been keeping her heavily sedated while they waited to see if the blood clot would disperse of its own accord…'

  'Which hospital? Well, it's St Giles's in London. Yes, it has a very good reputation. Both Sage and I have every confidence in the surgeon. The operation? We… well, it's scheduled for tomorrow… Delay it for another twenty-four hours? Well, I don't think—'

  She frowned suddenly, holding the receiver away from her ear, and said to Sage, 'He wants to speak with you.'

  With her… Sage found suddenly that she was frozen where she stood, unable to move, unable to speak… literally petrified.

  It took Camilla's gentle push to urge her towards the receiver. She took it from Faye like someone in a trance, lifting it slowly to her ear, her eyes dark, the pupils dilated, her skin devoid of colour, her breathing erratic and tense.

  As she pressed the receiver to her ear she heard the unfamiliar male voice demanding, 'Sage, are you there?'

  'Yes, I'm here.' Her voice was a croak, a husky, uncertain thread of sound she barely recognised.

  'This is Lewis McLaren here.' There was a pause, and then the harsh, emotional admission she had never thought to hear. 'Your father… Your brother and I will be on the first flight we can get—you are not to let them operate until we get there… Do you understand that, Sage? They must wait until we're there… God, Liz… I can't believe it… Sage, are you listening to me?'

  'Yes… yes, I'm listening. How long?'

  'Twenty-four hours at most… That's all. We'll fly out to the coast today, and pick up a flight to London—'

  'You're both coming?' Sage interrupted him, suddenly finding her voice.

  There was a small pause, and then his voice roughened, deepened as he confirmed huskily, 'We'll both be there.'

  And suddenly, achingly, Sage realised that here was a man who had loved her mother very much indeed, who perhaps, despite the way they had parted, did still love her. Perhaps, she reflected wryly, she was far more her father's child than she had ever realised in the days when she had believed Edward to be her father.

  As though Lewis McLaren too was aware of the emotion of the moment he said softly, 'Don't worry, Sage. We'll be there in time. You just make sure they don't operate for another twenty-four hours. I want to see this surgeon. I want to make sure your mother's in the best possible hands…'

  The old Sage, the old Sage she had been before she had set out on her journey through her mother's past, would have objected to his high-handedness… to his assumption that she and Faye were not capable of ensuring that her mother receive the best possible medical attention, but now she had discovered within herself her mother's gift of looking beneath the surface, of seeking the truth behind people's reactions, and she sensed clearly that Lewis McLaren was shocked, concerned—she could almost feel his desperation, his need to be with her mother, and so she simply said pacifyingly, 'I'll speak to the surgeon, but I doubt that he'll be very pleased.'

  She paused and then was unable to stop herself asking in a low voice, 'Scott… Is he… is he happy?'

  There was a small pause and then her father responded roughly, 'Yes, yes, he's very happy. Married with two fine boys, but I had to tell him the truth first. Had to explain to him just why it was impossible for you and him.'

  'Yes, I…'

  'I'm sorry… but your mother and I, well, we… with Edward… we had to do what was best for both of you.'

  He paused and then said, 'As soon as we get to London I'll ring you. Where will you be?'

  'Here, most probably, at the house.' She gave him the number.

  She was just about to replace the receiver when he said urgently, 'I've never stopped loving her, you know. There hasn't been a day since she sent me away when I haven't thought about her. Or about you. I wanted you all… but she couldn't leave him, wouldn't leave him. He was more important than me.'

  'You're wrong,' Sage told him huskily. 'It wasn't like that. She… She felt she had a duty…that she owed Edward—'

  'Owed him what? The rest of her life…our happiness… my children?'

  She could hear the bitterness in the words, the loss, and her throat closed up. Oh, yes, she was her father's daughter… and how her mother must have recognised that and been hurt by it, over and over again through the years.

  When she replaced the receiver tears were pouring down her face. Wordlessly Faye held out her arms to her and she went into them.

  Camilla too came and placed her arms around them and they stayed like that in silent fem
ale communion for several minutes.

  It was Sage who broke away first, saying, 'We'll have to get in touch with the hospital… delay the operation… I think we'll have to explain the reason why. Would you do that, Faye? I don't think…'

  'Yes… yes, I will. Look, why don't you go upstairs and lie down for an hour? You've had a shock.'

  'No… no. I'll stay here… keep myself occupied answering some of the letters that keep arriving. I knew that Mother had a wide field of acquaintances, but I can't get over how many people she knows.'

  'She's very popular, very well loved…' Faye agreed.

  'Mmm… I wonder if she ever allowed herself to think of what she gave up when she refused to go with my father.'

  'Being Liz, I expect she did… No woman could not do so, could she?'

  'Not really,' Sage agreed. 'Not really.'

  As Faye had anticipated, Alaric Ferguson was at first incredulously disbelieving and then furiously angry when she calmly announced that they wanted Liz's operation to be delayed for twenty-four hours.

  What she hadn't anticipated was how amused she was, and even in some delicate feminine way aroused, by her own realisation that part of the reason he was so annoyed was because he could not quite detach himself from his own awareness of her which in turn heightened both his irritation and reaction.

  Eventually she relented and explained the situation to him. Reluctantly he accepted that under the circum-stances the operation could be delayed, but Faye sensed that he had disliked her putting him at a disadvantage.

  As she replaced the receiver she realised with a small sense of shock that for the first time in her life she was tasting the kind of sexual power that most of her sex took as a matter of course.

  Sage had said that Alaric Ferguson was attracted to her, and she realised that she was curious enough about him to be flattered by that thought.

  Daniel frowned as he looked at his silent telephone. The call he had been waiting for had still not come through and he had been hoping that it would before he had to speak to Sage and respond to her ultimatum. In fact that was why he had delayed her original deadline.