Glitchworld

by Damien Hanson

  “Should I take the same thing?” Derek asked.

  “Nah - just have fun and I’ll carry you when you need help,” she winked under an arched eyebrow.

  Derek passed it by - he’d come back to it after he chose his stats.

  In the leftmost machine, the character sheet selections reappeared. All the skills had descriptions beside them, and another section was labeled ‘PC Skin options’ and the possibilities here were just as endless. Seriously, he could probably spend days figuring out which sci-fi character he wanted to be, and what clothes he’d wear. Because all guests got a customizable walk-through recording of your time in Prestige gameworld, with or without the crunch of dice rolling.

  “I can be an alien,” he breathed. The third vending machine gave him a range of skins to choose from: leathery, hairy, goopy-skinned, and any number of eyes, ears, any shape of mouth you could imagine. He decided to be a big brown bigfoot type, with bandoliers crossed over its chest. This time, he would go for some Spacecraft and probably Engineering, if they were going to be flying through space.

  “Did you grab any Spacecraft?” he asked.

  “Hm? No, I’m all computers and searching and such. I figured I’d leave most of the fighting and piloting to you.”

  He ended up with Command 1, Athletics 1, Skirmish 2, Spacecraft 2, Resourcefulness 1, Engineer 1, Wreck 2, Hunt 2, Fortitude 1, and Will 1. The vending machine told him that he wouldn’t be able to change up these choices until he visited the park next time, and he tapped AGREE.

  “Also my name here will be Kered Mingham.”

  She eyed him warily. “Oh! You’re a… a bigfoot. A big old, hairy bigfoot. That’s… great.”

  “The canon term is wieekoo. Anyway, what’s your name gonna be in here?”

  “Oh… Kayle. Kayle Jai. Old RPG name.”

  “Nice!”

  She tapped a button on her haptic suit, and it glitched out for a second, only to be replaced by a sleek, gleaming charcoal gray helmet with a reflective black visor and orange highlights, with her amazing fro-like ponytail sticking out the back. She was now in an impressive matching charcoal body armor (and orange highlights), including a jet pack and half cape in blood red.

  For about the twentieth time that day, his jaw dropped at the sight of her. “Bad… ass…”

  “I say we make a couple of choices here, and go have a relax,” she said. “Have a drink that glows purple and floats into your mouth.”

  “How about superpowers?” he asked, and in that same moment a lightbulb flicked on over his head and his mouth dropped open. Sheepishly, he asked, “Can I… have telekinesis?”

  “Course you can, goofball! Though it’s a Legendary Gear, so it’ll be two out of your three slots. You cool with that?”

  “Uh, yeah!”

  She gestured to the middle vending machine, and he got to tapping. He’d soon found the card for Telekinesis, which included several sub-powers like Blast, Repel Attack (natural armor), Affect Massive Object (3 or 5 AP to use) and Fine Manipulation (2 AP to use). Ability Points would no doubt regenerate. He’d deal with it later.

  “And I’ll go ahead and get us a ship. We can get a little alone time in, have a quiet chat–”

  The door hissed open, and a terrified alien burst in. “You’ve gotta help me! Please!”

  Chapter 5 - Derek Pisses Off An NPC

  “Hey hey hey, slow down there buddy. What’s wrong?” Derek asked. Meredith suppressed a smile behind him; she recognized this storyline, though she hadn’t made it herself.

  “It’s my son! Young Gleebleglorp! He’s been taken!” The alien swung all four of his arms about, his curly armpit hair waving in agitation. “It’s the Necrolord, Odin Maedi. He demanded that I work for him and I refused. And now my son is gone!”

  “Hey Mare, I thought Zone 0 was all about hanging out and just relaxing and stuff,” Derek observed. “So what’s going on with this guy?”

  “This guy has a name, hero! By Fleepneegle’s tentacles, what is wrong with you! What are you talking about? My son is in danger! I must join with the Necrolord in making his doomsday machine or else he will kill my son tonight!”

  “Whoa– did you see that?! He’s reacting to me just as if he is real!”

  Meredith hit a button on her console pad and the alien froze, his face hellishly angry and all sorts of blobbish purple, his balled up fist frozen in a forward arc.

  “Derek, some of the questees wander around here to try to encourage people to go play. And, for all intents and purposes, he is real. I’m going to set him back to after you asked him what was wrong and we’re going to start this all over again, okay? You wanted roleplay, and now we got it.”

  Roleplay was a good idea. She could be the school teacher… She tabled that idea for after the big bang. Ugh, if only she didn’t have to wait. He was seriously into this game and they hadn’t even started. She’d seen all this so many times it was pretty passe, though she had to admit watching Derek’s puppy dog impression was really doing it for her.

  Patience, Meredith, she told herself, It’s a virtue.

  Derek let out a breath. “Yeah, got it. Just, damn, in VR the NPCs are all so robotic. This guy doesn’t have that programmed feel. I’m going to have to rethink what NPCs are after this vacation is over.”

  “And look, we don’t have to help him out. You know that right?”

  “He seemed like he was really in distress, you know?”

  She shrugged. “There are others out there.” So many other story hooks. She’d kind of whipped her code team ragged coming up with all these NPCs and their potential stories. “Plus, there’s plenty here we haven’t even laid eyes on.”

  “He needs our help, eh?” He gestured over to the frozen alien. “Man, I can’t get over how realistic they are.”

  Meredith gave him a thumbs up. “Welcome to the next level, noob.” Tapping at her console she raised a finger and then cocked it forward as she hit the resume button.

  “It’s my son! Young Gleebleglorp! He’s been taken!” Once more, the alien swung all four of his arms about, his curly armpit hair waving in agitation, exactly as before. “It’s the Necrolord, Odin Maedi. He demanded that I work for him and I refused. And now my son is gone!”

  Talk about Deja Vu!

  “What’s your name, uh, alien dude?”

  “I am Norbledorn, scientist for the Gloppish Federation! It is my research that forms the basis for the irrational continuity drive, the very keystone to hyper warp travel!”

  “Nice to meet you, Norbledorn,” Derek replied. “I am Derek– er, I mean Kered Mingham, a wieekoo hero from the great planet of, um, Milwaukee. My associate, Kayle Jai.”

  “Yes, I have heard of your exploits, great hero,” Norbledorn beamed. “I sent spybots out searching for you for a reason. Indeed that is why I have come to this very store. You and your companion are nigh legendary upon my homeworld of–”

  “Let me guess, Gloppledopple or something like that?”

  Meredith gave a snort from behind him. Norbledorn didn’t catch on though.

  “Yes! Have you heard of our world before?”

  “Sure. Everyone knows Gloppledopple.” Derek shook his shaggy mane and made a wieekoo howl into the ceiling. “Norbledorn, your quest is worthy, and as champions of good and justice and the prime directive we accept. Lead the way, good scientist, so that we may save your son!”

  “In the name of justice!” Meredith chimed in, with triple the eye roll of her regular sarcasm.

  “Oh thank you, thank you great heroes!” Norbledorn replied. “My son is being held in the Stellar Necropolis of the Crand. Upon completion of this quest I can afford to pay you 3 credits, and give you one blueprint. May you use it well.”

  “I just have one favor to ask you, Norbledorn,” Derek said.

  Meredith just watched him go; he really got into this with abandon. His enthusiasm was a nice shot of adrenaline for an otherwise boring and unfulfilling life out here. Oh sure, there were cha
llenges; nobody wrote perfect code on the first try, but after your twentieth boss villain, nineteen of which nobody had ever played, it just didn’t have the same shine. Prestige had the right idea offering this up for the employees. Helped put things into hilarious perspective.

  “What is it, great hero?” the alien scientist asked.

  “Could you put your hands like this and, as we leave, tell me to live long and prosper?”

  On Derek’s HUD, a small flash indicated that he had accepted a Level One Quest, and the details were now available in his Quest Log.

  “Ha! Let’s get going Kered,” Meredith said. “The galaxy isn’t going to save itself.”

  ***

  Derek goggled over the spaceship. Because, ‘oh my god seriously!’ they had a spaceship. ‘With lasers and proton torpedoes and deflector shields and warp drives and everything!’ He knew the parts of the warp drive, when inevitably he demanded to see it, and really wanted to tell her the difference between the transduction regulator and the mirallanian valves. He ran an appreciative hand over the hull and the flaking green and orange paint, toured the cargo bay, and even opened and closed the cargo crates, listening to them hiss and staring at the buttons to regulate the interior temperature when transporting perishables.

  His next freakout moment was earning an experience point. For adapting the visage of a genreworld character and staying in character, he was awarded one point. He needlessly explained how it would be 6 XP before he could level up. Meredith got right to work spooling up the sublight drives, and had a cocktail. Thankfully she’d bought the replicator with her Gear selection.

  She selected a Navoolean martini, a color-shifting drink three times the size of a plain old martini, and drained it while Derek explored the ship.

  Five minutes after takeoff, it was down to air guitar. And a wieekoo bawling at the top of its lungs.

  “Going faster than the speed of sound,

  Rocking people all around!

  Something something go jump for joy . . .

  We are all pawns and toys!!

  Sing it buh-wawawawawa!!”

  Derek wailed on his air guitar, singing out the lyrics to the latest song by Panty Raid, his favorite K-Pop band, a one-hundred and thirty member girl pop team each one with her own distinct and unique personality. And super hot bods.

  Meredith sat at the helm of the ship, watching light streak by in hyper warp, contemplating the digital void of space with a hand under one chin and a Prestige Gaming console in her lap.

  “Derek, hey, are you having a good time?” she asked. Her eyes stayed forward on the screen. She was starting to get a little discouraged by the whole thing, and they weren’t even three hours in. She could turn this around.

  “Did Masked Midnight’s dream kill the Broker in issue 254?” he asked back. Then he laughed. “Yeah, this is really great stuff. I mean we aren’t there battling the Necrolord and his alien zombies yet but I can already feel that it’s going to be awesome.”

  They came out of hyperspace, and the stars reverted to normal specks of light rather than streamers. A chime rang out on the bridge. On all three command chairs a button lit up, ready to be activated. Derek jumped forward over the weapons console and slid over it into the Captain’s chair.

  “Hey, Derek, just wait a sec. That’s probably a game flag telling us that we are in com range our whatever, but I have something I want to ask you about.”

  He looked at her, then down at the flashing button. Push me, push me, every flash begged. It was beckoning him. Irresistible.

  “Listen–”

  He pressed the button. The console beeped, and up popped a flickering hologram of a be-robed individual with a long, crocodilian head, and two enormous eyes. Meredith just stared at him.

  “Unidentified DSL class ship,” the reptilian alien said. “You are–”

  “The hell?” Meredith asked.

  “–violation of federation-controlled space. You have one minute to alter your course away from this planet or we will be forced to take military action against you. I repeat–”

  Derek seized the control sticks and began flicking switches. “Dude, I’m sorry, but we’re heroes now! We got to save this alien’s kid!”

  The man went into autopilot, swinging this way and that, pushing buttons and twisting dials. Overhead a klaxon blared and the lights turned blood red, flashing on and then off in time with the ship’s emergency screeching.

  Pow! The ship shook as a warning shot glanced off of its bow.

  “Time’s up. Rogue ship, prepare to be boarded. Resistance will be meant with termination.”

  Derek wasn’t exactly sure what to do but a few commands had gone active in his HUD, chief among them Spacecraft with its score of 2. He selected it and then allowed the program to guide him. Following its lead, he hit the buttons that stuck out to him, overlaid as they were with a gleaming white pillar of light. Electronic dice spun and rolled in his visor. A 7 and a 6. SUCCESS WITH COMPLICATION!

  On the screen the planet bucked and spun as the ship began evasive maneuvers, swinging right and spinning in circles. Soundless but bright green jets of plasma sparked across the view screen. It dimmed in response, the luminosity well too powerful for human eyes to safely consume.

  The onboard computer cut the klaxon– “Impact danger detected– Homing Missile, range 1,000 miles, velocity 17,500 miles per hour. Collision will occur in 4 minutes.”

  “You can’t hit me with your plasma so you think to get me with a missile? Fat chance, losers,” Derek exulted. Finally. Finally, he could fly high and hit hard and let loose. No consequences. No disappointed soon-to-be ex-girlfriend, no guilty co-investors coming in with catastrophic news. He took a deep breath and let out an explosive laugh.

  Meredith continued to just stare at him, her cheeks rosy and red.

  Alright there was that circle again. It had appeared under his dice but he hadn’t paid it any mind. But a name had flashed above it. It read Magnetic Homing Missile - Nuclear Impact. That was the sort of name that caught a guy’s attention.

  “Jeez! Meredith, hey, what should we do?” he asked her, the ship still spinning and serving through the void of space as the enemy ship spit bright green again and again at their agile craft.

  “What you should have done is listened to me,” she mumbled. Then she stood up. “Okay, look, it’s not that complicated. You’ve got Affect Massive Object, yeah? We are superheroes, you hairy wieekoo bastard, and they aren’t. Grab that damn nuke and stuff it up their ass! Then come find me in my quarters when you win.” With that she stomped off, her space boots clanking loudly on the metal plating of the ship’s deck.

  Right. Right! Derek focused in on the missile and manifested his HUD menu. Rolling through his options he selected Affect Massive Object.

  This action will cost 3 AP to use on this target. Proceed Y/N

  Hell yes I’m going to proceed he thought, clicking yes. In his HUD see through chains clanked onto and around the missile, stopping it in his tracks. Then he rolled it around to face the other direction.

  “From Hell’s Heart I stab at thee,” he said, quoting his favorite of the five Star Khans. If Meredith were here she would’ve rolled her eyes. What was up with her?

  He focused on the enemy ship and threw the missile forward, giving it extra speed atop of that provided by its rocket propellant. The enemy ship seemed to only now realize its dilemma, stabilizers engaged to halt its offensive motion and prepare for defensive maneuvers. But it never had the chance.

  The screen went blank for a moment and then, when it came online, he saw the glowing and melted slag remnants of an enemy star vessel.

  “Sweet,” he said.

  “More incoming vessels,” the ship intoned, and put their locations up on the ship’s view screen. They appeared as reddish symbols with rapidly shifting coordinate numbers that meant nothing to him.

  Still, he continued to jam down buttons and flip switches, then whipped the ship around in a tight lo
op that sent him straight at his enemies.

  “We have a turret, don’t we?” He shouted back.

  No response.

  That didn’t matter. He put the one ship into his sights and pressed the buttons, screaming at the top of his lungs. A couple of clicking dice later, he was informed that he’d scored a 9 on a Hunt roll, a complete success.

  And what a complete success it was. The ship before him exploded into a fireball that he shot right through, whooping with victory. For the other, he spun the ship, muttering about the torpedoes on this thing.

  Meredith must’ve known he’d want upgraded weapons, because a pair of real doozies popped up on his view screen, the kind that would lock onto a ship and put them into freak out mode. From there it would be easy enough to trail them and blast them with the forward facing guns.

  With a satisfying thoomph, the missiles shot out from beneath him, and spun out in different directions after his two bogeys. True to his prediction, they stopped pursuit and began to take evasive maneuvers, while he laughed wildly and rolled up another Spacecraft check.

  “One and a five, what the–“ He stopped mid-curse, as something overhead blew off and started showering him with sparks, and something else started billowing coolant gas behind him. He’d earned a Plot Point, but nothing except for the red bleeps and warning klaxons got through. A quick engineering check and–

  The dice clattered, and announced another failure. He considered using his Plot Point, but decided against it. He would save those up for a real emergency.

  “Mere? Uh, Kayle?” He asked, now with a teensy bit of panic creeping into his voice. “Could you, uh…”

  A circular clock started up, which read Ship’s Engines Go Critical. Luckily, this one had ten segments. Unluckily, two of those segments immediately filled in. Derek started in with a series of expletives no self-respecting PG-13 movie would allow to grace the silver screen.

  He rolled another Spacecraft check, and only succeeded with complication again. Two more segments of his clock flashed to life, making four out of ten. The dice had turned against him. He shouted for Meredith this time, with just a hint more terror than before. The game couldn’t kill him, surely. It was just a game. It was a frickin level One adventure!