Glitchworld

by Damien Hanson

  “Oh, yeah, Meredick. Haha! Good one, Sam!”

  The first salamander smirked at her. Sigourney shot a glance at Derek, who stood watching, his hands clenched into fists.

  “No money for me and your skirt goes up the flagpole. Wasn’t that the deal, dick breath?”

  About now the quest to save the girl would be popping up in front of Derek’s face. Meredith adjusted the zoom of her screen, focusing in just enough to cut out the unnecessary nonsense that was happening at the fringes.

  SalaMeredith shook her head no, tears streaming down her face. “I never said yes. Get away from me. This isn’t fair!”

  The queen bully slapped her. “Life isn’t fair. Give me the skirt. If I have to take it, you’ll be losing a lot more than that.”

  Meredith watched the screen, riveted, waiting for Derek to do something. He just stood there, his face contorted with sadness, regret, maybe even shame? Meredith nodded. Yeah, she was getting to him.

  “What the hell are you doing to her?” Derek bellowed, marching forward. Right on cue. Sigourney shook her head and sighed.

  “This isn’t real, Derek. We’ve got better things to do.”

  Derek ignored her though, striding up to the salamander bullies and screaming in their surprised faces. Meredith snapped up and checked the die rolls. Command 9, way to go Derek. She saluted with her bottle as the bullies turned and ran. In the real world they’d slapped him before they ran, but this was close enough.

  Oh, Derek, I knew you cared, she thought, and then she started to cry.

  Chapter 17 - Holy Hell It’s Break Time

  “What’s happening right now?” Sigourney asked, though she had the jist of it.

  They’d just passed through an alien cafeteria, except it was a huge pavilion with walls made of a bamboo substance and rolled up to allow for airflow. There, a sneering group of youngster aliens stood behind a young insectoid girl. They were chuckling and piling their trash on a tray on the table behind her.

  “We’re working through some of the history I have with Mare,” he mumbled.

  For a few inexplicable moments, the whole game disappeared, and the real world appeared, such as it was. She’d seen the white blocks that made up this place before they skinned her current hellscape for each Dungeonworld broadcast: for just a moment she’d seen the magnetized white blocks that were a yard cubed, or an inch cubed, or just tiny white grains of nano-sand. This was that, except much of it was empty. They were situated in a stretch of the New Mexico badlands, yet surrounded by ambulatory white blocks. They made up the pavilion building and the glowing yellow cores of the NPCs could just be seen peeking out from between the blocks that surrounded them, fleshing them out. She didn’t have time to see, but instead knew a number of those blocks were wrapped around her body, and ready to help her fly through the air on an Athletics roll or a super power use.

  On their clock for Gary’s reappearance, eight of the sixteen segments were filled in. Which begged the question of what to do about her loyalty. Should she try to hold out until Meredith reappeared and grovel at the feet of the coder to beg for an exit from her hell, or cultivate an ally in Derek, to stand up and show Meredith and this game who was boss?

  She shook her head and muttered to herself, then shot a glance at Derek to see if he’d noticed.

  Come on, this isn’t like you.

  He hadn’t noticed– he was watching the situation with puppy eyes, pain written all over his face. Sigourney shut up and sat down at one of the cafeteria benches to watch what was happening.

  The youngster aliens left their table of trash and walked over to an adult insectoid dressed in a suit and tie.

  “Principal Chesterfield,” Derek murmured. A kid at another table threw a paper airplane and it auto directed itself into his crotch. He ignored it.

  The youngster aliens were talking to Principal Chesterfield and pointing at the girl. Meredith the alien, I presume? The principal nodded at them and marched over to the girl, grabbing her shoulder roughly. He began to scream and yell at her.

  “Do you think this is a garbage dump, young lady? It’s not! It’s the school cafeteria and I will not have students turning it into a pigsty! Pick up that tray, and all of that garbage, and put it in the bin where it belongs!”

  ET Meredith looked up at the clouded, angry face. “I’m sorry, sir, but that garbage isn’t mine.”

  “Do you think I am stupid, girl? What is your name? You are going to be in so much trouble over this!”

  Behind the principal the youngsters pointed and laughed, one sticking out his tongue. ET Meredith started crying.

  “B-b-but it isn’t mine.”

  “In the garbage, right now. And detention, missy.”

  She slowly got up and grabbed up the tray with its mounds of styrofoam, plastic, and wrappings.

  “How could I eat so m–”

  “Enough! Two detentions!” the principal screamed. The youngsters behind him laughed harder.

  Derek started forward and Sigourney grabbed his arm.

  “It’s not real,” she told him again.

  He nodded. “To her it is.”

  Then he resumed his march forward. ET Meredith was crying and blushing red in anger. It looked like she was about to pop around the principal and jam the tray into one of the kids’ mouths. Then Derek stepped between them.

  “It was me. I did it. Let me take care of this trash. I’m really sorry about this. As you can see by the trash on my tray I ate six hamburgers, a pizza, had three colas apparently, four, no, five donuts and then I threw it all on this table here and walked away. I’m sorry Principal Chesterfield, I won’t do it again.”

  ET Meredith stopped crying and hugged him. “Thank you,” she whispered into his ear.

  Sigourney tapped her foot impatiently. This was getting really annoying.

  Derek picked up all of the trash, Principal Chesterfield following and berating him every step of the way, and then, when the very last item had been deposited into the disposal bin, a message flashed in their HUDs.

  QUEST COMPLETE! Followed by a LEVEL UP!

  Sigourney sighed. Jesus things are getting bizarre around here.

  ***

  Meredith rolled her cursor over and grabbed another scene from her folder, sipping at a dark roast coffee, trying to shake off all of that booze she’d been drowning herself in. Watching Derek come to remember and realize how much she needed him had brought her around. Things were feeling so much better now, and she didn’t want to be a weepy drunk when they got together again. But the computer dinged and threw her file back into its folder.

  What the hell? she thought, banging her hand on the massive church organesque keyboard before her.

  DOWNTIME PHASE ACTIVATED - THE GAME HAS HAD TOO MANY ACTIVE EVENTS IN A ROW - RAMP UP PROCESS WILL RESET IN 8 HOURS.

  Meredith’s head began to throb. Just when things were about getting ready for her grand reentrance the damn system that she designed had to puke all over her. Fine, fine. There wasn’t much else that those two could do anyways. They were stuck in stinky smelly swampland with centipedes, salamanders, and lizard folk. Nothing about that suggested trouble. Besides it looked like Derek was checking out his new level up. She clicked through a few menus to spy on what he was doing with his HUD.

  Congratulations, you’ve leveled up!

  ● Your ability points have been refilled!

  ● You’ve been completely healed!

  ● Your position has been moved to Controlled!

  ● You have been gifted 1 Plot Point!

  ● Your armor has been restored!

  ● Your account has been given 2 Credits!

  ● You have gained 1 Skill Point! Tap to choose and allocate.

  Whatcha gonna pick, buddy boy? she wondered. I hope it is something sexy.

  She watched him as his eyes hovered over SADDLES AND SIX SHOOTERS, then meandered past THRILL RIDE and paused at WINDSWEPT HEARTS. She didn’t know why, but her heart caught in her
throat, a big dump lump that she couldn’t swallow. She heard herself whispering, “Yes yes yes yes.” Then she stopped herself and laughed. Stop being silly Meredith. That’s just a game. He passed by it anyways and selected one skill point in MEDICINE.

  She sighed and rubbed her temples, then got up and headed over to her beverage machine. Coffee first, tea second, then a mini bottle of hot sauce for the win. The Meredith sober up special.

  “Tea. Earl Grey. Hot.” she told it, blushing warmly. She hovered by the machine as it whirred and steamed, the familiar dark brown scent wafting up deliciously into her nostrils, and she sighed.

  “Captain John Lucas Picolo wishes he had a machine that could do this!” she told her tea with a laugh. She grabbed her sugar bowl, dropped in two lumps, and stirred it around, watching it fall apart and dissolve into the steaming liquid. Then she dripped a few drops of amber buttermilk, and sniffed it again. Perfect.

  She picked it up, sipped it down so it wouldn’t spill, and then walked carefully back over to her desk. Good, they were still futzing about in the swamp planet full of the ghosts of Derek’s past. She took a sip of Earl Grey, and realized she was absolutely exhausted. Just knackered. The booze, the caffeine, and the anticipation had all combined to fry her synapses. This whole thing had started out with such agonizing promise, only to kick her in the dick so hard and so repeatedly. She hadn’t even realized she’d closed her eyes until they snapped back open.

  “Huh?” Her brain didn’t work. She was in her office. Why? Coding another badly written story? No… wait, Derek! Derek the Dick and Bimbo Sigourney. The fog in her brain lifted.

  What time was it? Where were they?

  She swore over and over again, then groaned loudly in frustration. She’d been asleep almost three and a half hours, and she’d set her teacup down on the console, just like she promised Management she’d never do because these things cost roughly the same as an aircraft carrier. And while she was sure they were exaggerating, it was also true that these things were very freaking expensive.

  She carefully lifted it free, stood and stretched, then took a second sip of (by now) stone cold tea. Then her eyes latched onto the monitor and she sprayed Earl Grey all over her unbelievably expensive desk. To the sight of Sigourney riding Derek, ample bosoms bouncing up and down as he rammed her raw in their ship’s quarters.

  The tea cup crashed and broke, splattering tea everywhere as she watched the bounce of golden bottocks with mounting fury, and unnoticed tears welling and spilling down.

  ***

  “Nothing else?” she asked.

  Derek peered around in search for any other scenes where his friend was being mercilessly tormented, but found none. They continued through the slightly elevated town with no knowledge of the toll this had taken on Meredith, or that she was this very moment settling into a protracted, drug-saturated nap.

  They headed through the town, without much of a destination in mind. At any minute he expected to find a restaurant where a fake version of himself was cooking up some sludgy stew or another, and have a Meredith alien pop in there to listen to him lament about this or that girlfriend walking all over him, or guy friends getting him too drunk to remember where he put his money. He expected to find himself hunched over one of these boardwalks, dipping his feet in the stagnant water and feeling sorry for himself after the restaurant inevitably went under, and Rick bounced with all his investment money in tow to live in the Grand Caymans or wherever. And Meredith would come around, loop an arm around his shoulder, and tell him to let that go.

  They probably passed the parts shop, with its mountain of rusting junk in behind and great rodent-infested hulks of old ships that had been partially cannibalized throughout the ages. He was too down to notice all the amazing detail people like Mare had put into this planet, even if she’d renamed it to take a jab at him.

  CONGRATULATIONS! the game announced. By completing these missions, you have reached Access Level 1 in Age of the Powered and Galaxies Unknown! The transition requires an expenditure of four credits. Continue? Y/N

  He half-heartedly tapped Y, and watched the animation of his credits drained as a series of thick, gold coins that disappeared off a stack. However, he dismissed the next prompt, which would explain some of the benefits of AL1. He was definitely down in the dumps (literally, they were passing a huge mound of rotting food and garbage) and the game, for the first time ever, wasn’t helping. Meredith was sort of his best friend, if you considered that she’d never demanded anything of him, never put conditions on their friendship. Sure she hadn’t been around as much as Munchie Mike or Dave the Beard, but those guys were always between jobs, mooching off him, sleeping on the couch or on the floor of his room.

  God, he hated thinking. It always left him feeling down.

  You have entered Downtime, the game explained. This is a cinematic lull in action to allow players to catch their breath, have dramatic character interactions, a good meal, and perhaps get some rest. The Gary clock vanished, and was replaced by a Downtime timer, which read eight hours, then 7:59.59.

  “Huh,” he said.

  This phase is followed by Ramp Up, where story elements and danger will reappear, either slowly or all at once. You have been warned! The game followed this up with an animated sexy kind of doll character winking and blowing a kiss at him.

  “Hey,” Sigourney said from beside him. “You’ve got to figure out what it is you want. Do you want to try to figure out what makes your friend tick, and survive whatever vengeance game she’s got laid out for you? Or do you want to get out of here?”

  “I don’t know,” he said. “It’s… I can’t just leave her.”

  “I get that, but… she left you. And followed it up by attacking you.” They walked on for a few more minutes before reaching the end of this one slug town, and turning around back toward the ship. “I can’t make up your mind. I will just say that when you figure out what it is you want, the best advice is to take what you want.”

  “Take what I want,” he breathed.

  Sigourney’s chainmail bikini bounced up ahead of him. “I’m going to check out restaurants. If you have access to all the best dining facilities, they have good food here. I’ll come find you.”

  She headed up the main road and ducked into one of the buildings. He’d been too preoccupied with his own nonsense to notice that his stomach was growling. Also, his muscles were thick with exertion. He was ready to have something to eat, and hit the sack.

  He hadn’t been able to let kids bully Meredith in high school. It was one of the strongest lessons that had been drilled into him by his parents and anti-bullying campaigns in elementary and middle school. If you see something, step up. Say something. Clearly Mare hadn’t forgotten it… the question was what it meant. The called shots to his junk, the leaving in a huff.

  “Hey game, can you figure out what her problem was? Meredith, I mean. Kayle Jai.”

  The HUD didn’t respond.

  He headed around the boardwalk town, now calmed of its bullying motif. The aliens went about their business, and several tried to get him to help them out in their quests, but he didn’t have it in him now. He muttered ‘sorry, I’ve got to help get a kid to his dad.’

  Instead he kicked at random stones along the boardwalk, the last of which ricocheted off the railing post and pelted him in the balls. Hard.

  Cursing and confused, he ended up back at the ship. He gave the kid some water and a bit of food from the ship’s replicator. Weeglewart tried to get him to replicate something that would eat his face once it materialized, but deflated once Derek congratulated him on the very sophisticated pre-programmed attempt. He then warned Wigglewimp that if he didn’t tell the truth, he wasn’t going to be eating anything except the worst earth food. The kid took the deal and ate in sullen silence by extending a surprisingly long proboscis from where he was tied up, to get at the food.

  Problem pre-solved.

  That done, he headed back out and almost immediate
ly met up with Sigourney, bouncing toward him with excited eyes. They then headed to the eatery she’d found and shared a really nice meal, (the menus read ‘food by request, or ask about our special!’ With no numbers, he just ordered a New York strip with asparagus and loaded baked potato, the steak medium, and in due course got the best thing he’d ever eaten in his life. Sigourney went overboard, and started with surf n’ turf, then a plate of spinach ravioli in cream sauce, followed by a dessert of something called death by chocolate, which she chased with several glasses of champagne.

  “You were hungry,” he said.

  “You try fighting a hundred armed aliens and helping your co-hero sneak through a necropolis undetected for hours, only to go do battle with a crazy cyborg boss in the vacuum of space.”

  “Fair.” He regarded Sigourney, splashed with mud as she was, and low to moderately truthful to boot. “Another question. You don’t have to stick around. You know that right?”

  “Someone needs to save your butt while your best friend tries to kick it up around your ears.”

  She grinned, teeth stained black with chocolate, then downed the rest of her champagne flute. “You should try some.”

  He wasn’t much of a drinker... anymore. “I’m good. Hey, is Sigourney your real name?”

  She shook her head. “The uh… the group I was with gave me a code name. I guess it’s the name of some movie hero from a long time ago. Sigourney Cleaver I think. I don’t know, I don’t get to watch a lot of movies.”

  She then proceeded to drink six more flutes of champagne.

  He kept running the day’s events over in his mind, and most of all Sigourney’s words. It was difficult to think about anything else when the whole world was focused on your genitals, and you had a supermodel level hottie draped over your shoulder, someone who’d saved his life and gave advice, was highly interested in him, and moderately (low moderate was basically moderate) truthful with him.

  ‘If you want something, you should take it.’