The Pack

by Jason Starr

  They stayed in watching more Wiggles and then playing Candy Land, but Simon found it hard to keep still and kept getting up between turns to stretch and sometimes do push-ups and jumping jacks.

  Very late in the afternoon, Alison came into the living room, went right over to Jeremy, and said to Simon, “How is he?”

  “Much better,” Simon said. “His fever’s way down.”

  Alison felt Jeremy’s forehead with her lips and said, “You’re right, it is down.” She pulled up his shirt and checked his stomach. “The rash is going away too. Thank God.”

  “I’m gonna go for a run in the park,” Simon said.

  Alison narrowed her eyes, surprised. “Now?”

  “Yeah, I just need to get out of the apartment, get some air. I won’t be gone long.”

  Simon kissed Alison, then jogged into the bedroom. He came out a few minutes later in sweatpants and a hooded sweatshirt, and with his sneakers on. Alison was sitting at the table with Jeremy, playing picture dominoes.

  Simon said, “I think I’ll stop at Whole Foods on the way back and pick up some stuff.”

  “I just went shopping a few days ago,” Alison said. “I think we’re good till tomorrow.”

  “It’s okay, I’ll just swing by there after my run,” Simon said.

  “What is it with you and your energy today?” She gave him a flirty, knowing look. “Not that I’m complaining.”

  He kissed her good-bye, noticing that she smelled like sex, and then he left the apartment quickly, before he got too turned on.

  On the elevator, he jogged in place, and then he ran out of the building. He wondered if he was making a mistake not stretching. He’d had some lower back problems in the past and had injured his right knee playing tennis and it had never completely healed. He didn’t feel like stopping, though, and besides he felt extremely loose and pain-free.

  He ran uptown, then along the path around the reservoir. Although it was dusk, the path was still very active with joggers going at varying speeds. Simon was barely aware that he was running, as he was preoccupied with how wonderful it felt to be outside, breathing in the relatively fresh air of Central Park. Although he could still detect some city pollution, the crisp autumn air was dominated by the scents of fallen leaves and manure from the bridle path nearby. He was also extremely attuned to the other sounds around him—crunching footsteps on the gravelly path, the wind in the trees, snippets of conversation from other joggers.

  He realized he was running very fast. He hadn’t gone jogging outside in ages, but on the treadmill at the gym he ran at level 5.0, which was basically fast walking. Now he ran without much effort, weaving in and out of other joggers, and didn’t feel any of the usual tightness in his back or soreness in his knee. When he went into an all-out sprint, he felt a little winded, so he slowed to a pace that was still about twice as fast as he’d ever been able to maintain before. He’d never gone more than one lap around the reservoir—one lap was almost a mile and a half—but after one lap he didn’t feel tired at all, so he did another lap, and then decided, What the hell? and did a third lap. He could have done a fourth but it was pitch-black and he didn’t want Alison to worry about him, especially after he’d been out all last night.

  He exited the park at West Ninety-sixth. Jogging in place at the intersection of Central Park West, he texted Alison—be home in 15—and then ran a couple more blocks to the Whole Foods on Columbus.

  As when he was outside in the park, in the store he was very aware of the rich scents around him. The cheeses in particular stood out. There were so many varieties, and each had its own unique aroma. It was overwhelming, like walking into a greenhouse at a botanical garden and breathing in the scents of all the flowers and plants at once. He’d been in this store so many times and hadn’t appreciated any of this, probably because he’d been so preoccupied with job stress, marital stress, and whatever other problems were gnawing on his subconscious. Now he felt like he’d been freed and could pay more attention to details he usually overlooked.

  After he picked out a couple of cheeses—the Stilton and Maytag Blue were irresistibly pungent—he went right to the meats section, as if a force were pulling him there. He didn’t know where this sudden craving for meat was coming from; it was especially unusual for a guy who normally ate meat so infrequently he was practically a vegetarian. Then he remembered Michael serving the steak last night and how great it had tasted. The memory increased his craving, making his desire for meat almost unbearable. He didn’t just want to have meat; he had to have it.

  He added several packages of beef sirloin flap steak and flat iron steak to his cart, and a few packages of chop meat. The lamb chops looked enticing, so he added them too. He couldn’t resist the link sausages either—he could smell the meat and spices through the packaging.

  When he got home, before he put the groceries away, he opened two packages of flap steak. He had no idea how to cook steak, so he just put two of them in a large frying pan and turned on the heat.

  Alison, who’d been playing with Jeremy in his room, came into the kitchen and said, “What’s going on out here?”

  “Just cooking up some dinner.”

  “Steak?” Alison, who was an actual vegetarian, sounded almost appalled.

  “Just had a craving, that’s all.”

  Looking in the pan, she said, “You’re going to eat all of that?”

  “I built up an appetite from running.”

  She checked to make sure that Jeremy wasn’t within earshot, then said, “Speaking of building up an appetite, you were amazing before. But where is this coming from?”

  Simon, noticing that she still smelled deliciously like sex, said, “It’s coming from me.”

  “But you’ve barely touched me lately, and suddenly you’re all over me. You have to admit it’s a big change.”

  “Maybe I’m just finally appreciating what a wonderful wife I have.”

  He kissed her.

  She pulled back and said, “We better not start anything we can’t finish.”

  “Who says we can’t finish?”

  “You don’t want your steak to burn.”

  Jeremy entered and said, “Hi.”

  Alison let go of Simon and said to Jeremy, “Let’s get those hands washed.” Then she whispered to Simon, “To be continued.” She moved away quickly and opened the cupboard to take out plates and announced, “Dinnertime’s in five minutes.”

  Five minutes later the family sat for dinner at the dining room table. Jeremy had macaroni and cheese, Alison had salad and reheated lentil soup from the other night, and Simon had the two pieces of steak on his plate and nothing else.

  “Don’t you want anything with it?” Alison asked.

  “This is how we had it last night,” Simon said. “It wasn’t bad.”

  “You’re having steak two nights in a row?”

  “Come on,” Simon said. “It’s steak. It’s not like I’m developing a cocaine habit.”

  “What’s cocaine? ” Jeremy asked.

  “I said Coca-Cola,” Simon said. “It’s a soft drink.”

  “Why is it soft?”

  “Where did you have steak?” Alison asked.

  “Michael made steaks last night.”

  “Wow, that was nice of him.”

  “Why is it soft?” Jeremy asked again.

  “Soda,” Simon said. “It’s another name for soda.”

  Simon suddenly remembered the beer Michael had served him, and how he’d probably drugged him as well and dumped him in the woods. Funny, Simon had almost managed to block out the whole experience already.

  “Yeah,” Simon said through gritted teeth. “Very nice.”

  “Maybe serving steak alone is trendy or something,” Alison said. “Maybe Michael saw somebody do it on Food TV.”

  “Is Michael the man with the gray hair?” Jeremy asked.

  “Yes,” Simon said.

  “When am I gonna see my friends again?”

  �
�I’m sorry, we’re not going to see them anymore.”

  Jeremy looked sad and shocked.

  “Why not?” Alison asked.

  “No reason,” Simon said.

  “But why—”

  “I really don’t want to discuss it right now.” He was purposely curt, trying to end the conversation.

  “Oh, I’m just surprised, that’s all,” Alison said. “I mean it sounds like you had a good time with them. You slept over at that guy Michael’s place, for God’s sake.”

  “It wasn’t Michael’s place . . . it was his brewery.”

  “Whatever, it sounds like it was fun . . . and Jeremy loves his new friends.”

  “I want to see them,” Jeremy said, frowning.

  “I just don’t want to discuss it right now,” Simon said, implying that he didn’t want to have this conversation in front of Jeremy.

  Alison got the hint and let it go. But later, after they’d put Jeremy to sleep and Simon was in the bathroom brushing his teeth, she came in and said, “So I don’t get it, why don’t you want to see your friends anymore?”

  Through a mouthful of toothpaste, Simon said, “They’re not my friends.”

  “They’re acquaintances, at least,” Alison said. “Did you have some kind of falling-out?”

  Simon, continuing to brush his teeth, didn’t answer.

  “I can tell you don’t want to talk about it,” Alison said. “It’s just too bad for Jeremy, because he likes those boys and it’s not like you’ve been taking him on a lot of play dates with his other friends.”

  Simon rinsed, spit, and said, “You mean Matthew? I tried, but he has a new babysitter and she seemed a little . . . well, she didn’t seem into having any more play dates.”

  “What about William? His mom takes him to that playground in Riverside sometimes.”

  “I’m not going to hang out with a bunch of moms all day,” Simon said. “Besides, William hits Jeremy.”

  “He hit him once.”

  “I’m not going on play dates with William.” He realized that had sounded a bit harsh, so he rephrased it. “I mean, I really don’t want to, okay? But we’ll find some new friends, I’m sure. Just leave it to me.”

  “Okay, that’s fine,” Alison said. “I’m just saying, Jeremy needs to be around kids his age during the day. I saw some dads hanging out in the kids section at Barnes and Noble the other day. Maybe you should hang out there.”

  “That’s a good idea,” Simon said. “Maybe I’ll do that.”

  He just wanted to end the conversation, and it worked, as Alison went into the bedroom. He still felt bad for being so curt with her, but he felt like she was pressuring him to get together with Michael and those guys again, and there was no way in hell he was doing that.

  After he washed his face, he looked in the mirror and stuck out his tongue. Was he imagining it or did his tongue look redder than usual? It also felt rough and numb, kind of like he’d scalded it by drinking hot liquid, but he hadn’t had any hot liquid. His gums were still a little numb and his mouth was sore, maybe from chewing so hard on the steak. He’d polished off both steaks, yet he was still hungry.

  Alison was in bed, reading Allure. Simon breathed in deeply, enjoying the scent of her skin, slightly annoyed that it was mingling with the scents of all the perfume samples in the magazine. He wanted to smell just her and nothing else.

  “You smell so amazing,” Simon said. “I can smell you forever and never get tired of it.”

  “Why, thank you,” she said, blushing.

  He wanted her. Badly.

  She looked up from the magazine and recognized his lustful gaze immediately. How could she miss it? He probably looked like he wanted to devour her.

  “Again?” she asked. She smelled unbearably good.

  He didn’t answer, just got in bed and started making love to her.

  Simon woke up squinting because some horizontal bars of sunlight were seeping through the blinds, shining right on him. Although he didn’t feel like he’d slept well—he felt like he’d been hovering above sleep all night, like when he was overcaffeinated—he felt fully rested.

  “Time is it?” Alison asked groggily as Simon got out of bed.

  “Six fifteen,” Simon said.

  “On Sunday? What’re you doing up?”

  “I’m not tired; go back to sleep.”

  Starving, he went to the kitchen and cooked the entire package of sausages—eight thick links. He was so hungry that he ate a couple of the links standing up in front of the stove, before they were fully cooked. He put the rest on a plate and was eating them at the dining room table when Alison came out of the bedroom in panties and a long T-shirt and said, “Check out the carnivore. What is it with you and meat this weekend?”

  “I don’t know,” Simon said, and it was the truth—he had no idea what was happening.

  Jeremy slept late—for him—waking up after nine o’clock. But after the good night’s sleep his fever was still gone, and he seemed one hundred percent recovered. Simon suggested they have a family day, and Alison thought that was a great idea.

  Later, they were riding down in the elevator when the woman with the brown Labrador retriever got in on the fifth floor. The dog was usually friendly and liked to be petted, but for some reason today when Simon said, “Hey there,” the dog cowered away and hid behind its owner.

  “I guess everybody has their shy days, huh?” Simon said.

  “Not Maxie,” the woman said. “What’s wrong with you today, Maxie?”

  In the lobby, the woman had to practically drag the whimpering dog out of the building.

  It was a drizzly, chilly morning, but Simon didn’t mind the weather at all. He walked, pushing the stroller, with his jacket open, enjoying the cool breeze against his chest. They had put the plastic covering over the stroller. Alison, holding the umbrella, asked Simon if he wanted to get under with her, but he refused. He liked the cold wetness against his face. It was refreshing, invigorating.

  They went to the Museum of Natural History because Jeremy wanted to dig for dinosaur bones in the Discovery Room. Instead of watching the kids play as he normally did, Simon got in there with Jeremy and dug with him. Jeremy used a little stick and brush but Simon used both hands, digging very fast, removing dirt that would’ve taken the kids forever with their tools. Simon was lost for a while in the joy of playing with his son, and then looked over and saw Alison and the other parents watching him with ambiguous expressions; he couldn’t tell if they were perplexed or amused.

  After the museum they went to lunch at an Indian restaurant on Columbus. It was buffet style and Simon gravitated to the protein-heavy chicken and lamb dishes. He must’ve made six or seven trips to refill his plate and he was still hungry.

  The skies cleared and it had turned into a sunny, mild afternoon, so they went to the park. Full of energy, Simon chased Jeremy on the paths and on any grassy areas they passed and carried him on his shoulders. They went on the carousel and then Jeremy wanted to climb the rocks near Wollman Rink.

  “Okay, let’s go,” Simon said.

  “You sure?” Alison asked.

  He understood why she was surprised. He was the one who was usually paranoid about letting Jeremy take risks in the park and playground, and it was Alison who often told him that he was being overly cautious.

  Holding hands, Simon and Jeremy climbed the rocks. At one point Jeremy hesitated, obviously scared to stretch across the space between rocks even though Simon was holding his outstretched hand.

  “It’s okay,” Simon said. “Daddy has you.”

  Jeremy leaned forward, then leaped to the other rock and landed safely. He looked exhilarated.

  “Careful, you two,” Alison called out from below.

  They went higher, to the top of the highest rock, where they had a great view of Wollman Rink below and the Plaza Hotel and the midtown skyscrapers.

  Simon crouched down on all fours at the precipice of the rock and said to Jeremy, “Do
you want to see me jump?”

  “Yeah, jump, jump!”

  “What’re you doing?” Alison said from below.

  He must’ve been twenty feet off the ground. He knew jumping was a bad idea, that he could easily break something.

  “Jump, Daddy.”

  “Simon,” Alison said.

  Simon remained crouched, looking at the ground. At first he hesitated—it was too far, he could kill himself—but then he was convinced he could make it. Without thinking about it any further, he leaped off the rock. He landed hard on his feet, and even though he tried to cushion the fall by bending his knees on impact, he was expecting the pain to set in, especially in his lower back and bum knee. But, surprisingly, he felt fine. Like a kid who’d just gone on an exciting ride at an amusement park, he wanted to do it again, but as he ran to the other side of the rock he noticed that Alison wasn’t there.

  “Ally?”

  No answer. Then he saw her heading down the rocks, holding Jeremy’s hand. She looked furious.

  Simon was confused. “What? What did I do?”

  “I’m so angry at you right now.”

  “Why? I have no idea what—”

  “You left him up there alone. What if he fell off? He could’ve broken his neck.”

  He realized she was probably right. He couldn’t believe he’d been so thoughtless.

  When Alison reached the bottom, still holding Jeremy’s hand, she didn’t even make eye contact with Simon. She just walked right by him as if he weren’t there.

  Simon hurried to catch up and said, “Look, I’m sorry, okay? I’ll never do anything like that again.”

  The rest of the way home they talked to Jeremy but not to each other. Simon felt awful, but he knew that trying to talk to Alison when she was upset wouldn’t get him anywhere and would only make things worse.

  He waited until they were back at the apartment, in the living room, and Jeremy was in the bathroom. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I don’t know what else you want me to say.”

  “I don’t understand,” she said. “Why did you do it?”