Love Restored

by Carrie Ann Ryan

  He and Candice hadn’t been strong enough to weather the storm together, and he’d be damned if he spent the anniversary of Cynthia’s death dealing with the one woman he never wanted to see again.

  “You need to go, Candice,” he said after a few moments of silence. She hadn’t said anything back to him after he’d yelled, after he’d told her he wanted nothing to do with her.

  Because she truly hadn’t changed since she’d left. She didn’t like dealing with the hard things, and instead, would hide behind tears and incriminating silences until someone took care of her. He’d never actually faulted her for that because, frankly, sometimes he wanted to do that, as well. But he wasn’t going to deal with her anymore.

  That chapter of their lives was over because God had decided that Graham didn’t need a child anymore. Candice was just going to have to deal with it.

  “I think I should stay,” his ex-wife said after a moment. “I don’t think you should be alone this month.”

  He whirled on her but did his best to keep his anger in check. “I’m not alone. I have my brothers, and hell, the entire Montgomery clan if I snap my fingers. They are here for me without an agenda, without a need to comfort them when I want to crawl up the walls.” He sighed and moved toward her.

  Her eyes widened, wet from her tears. Her face had gone pale except in the cheeks where she’d reddened from crying.

  When he stood right in front of her, not touching, and with no real need to move any closer, he looked into her eyes and shook his head.

  “You can’t stay here, Candice. And, honey, you don’t want to. Don’t you get that? Being here won’t help you grieve, won’t help you do what you need to in order to heal. It didn’t work when we were married and falling apart, and it won’t work now. Go to your friends, to your parents. Be with them, because being with me didn’t work for you before and it’s not going to work now.”

  She shook her head. “You don’t know that.”

  He did what he hadn’t wanted to do and cupped her face. A look of hope sprang to her eyes, but he knew it wasn’t for him. Rather, it was for the fact that she had another person to touch, to touch her. Candice hadn’t changed in the years since high school. She hated being alone, hated not having another human near her. So when the world fell out from beneath her feet, she’d clung to whoever was closest. She’d latched on to him, and he’d let her because he’d been grieving, too. And when he hadn’t grieved like she wanted, like she’d thought she needed, she’d gone back to her family and friends that weren’t his to cling to.

  The fact that she was here now told him she was at wits’ end. Like him, she was so damn lost when it came to not having their daughter in their lives anymore that she was back, trying to find a shred of who they were before the world had crashed down around them.

  Only he wasn’t that man anymore. Never would be again.

  “You need to go home, Candice. Go to your parents’ house. Find solace there because you’re not going to find it here. You didn’t before, and I’m not going to help you find it with me now. I can barely breathe without thinking of Cynthia. I can’t do this with you here. I’ll end up doing everything in my power to make sure you’re taken care of, but in the end, you’ll never be fully okay. I won’t either, and I don’t think we should be a hundred percent. Not anymore. We don’t have that right. You need to go. You can’t grieve here because you won’t let me grieve the way I need to. Yeah, that makes me a bastard, but for once, I’m going to try and take care of myself.”

  He paused as she closed her eyes.

  “And if I thought for once being together as we reach the anniversary would help, I might change my mind. But you don’t want me, Candice. You haven’t for years. You don’t want me by your side because we aren’t the people we once were, and it’s not healthy to even try. So go home and stay there. We lost our baby, lost our daughter, and she’s never coming back. But you being here isn’t going to help, isn’t going to bring Cynthia home. So go.”

  She pulled away from him and wiped her face. This time, when her face reddened again, it wasn’t from tears but from embarrassment. And maybe a little anger.

  “You’re still as cruel as you were when she died,” she spat. Her words hit the mark, and he told himself to let them come. She didn’t mean them, not really. Oh, she might mean them right now, but in the grand scheme, she was hurting as he was, and he was just an easy target. He always had been for her.

  “Go home, Candice,” he repeated. “There’s nothing for you here.” There hadn’t been for a long while.

  She turned on her heel and went to the front door. When she paused as she put her hand on the doorknob, he braced himself for her words once more. He didn’t hate his ex-wife, he never had, but he was growing weary.

  “I’m not sorry I came,” she said softly, not turning to look at him. He was glad for that, as he truly didn’t want to see whatever emotions might be lacing that gaze of hers. He could only take so much without breaking again, and frankly, he wasn’t sure he’d put himself together the right way before. He was in danger of crumbling again. “I’m not sorry I came,” she repeated after a moment. “But I am sorry if I hurt that other woman.”

  His eyes widened, surprised that she’d bring up Blake after all of this. His thoughts might have been on Cynthia and Candice during the exchange, but Blake had never been far from his mind. He’d have to figure out how to fix things with her because he’d sure as hell let things get fucked up with just one conversation on his porch. He wasn’t sure he wanted to let Blake walk away that easily, but first, he needed to get Candice on her way. She would leave soon, he thought, because she had nothing else for her here. He’d have thought she would have realized that long before now, but sometimes, grief mucked things up.

  “Goodbye, Candice.” He didn’t want to talk about Blake with her. Not now, and hell, not ever. Whatever happened with him and Blake wasn’t for Candice, and that was something his ex-wife would just have to deal with.

  She sighed audibly, her shoulders hunching for a moment before she rolled them back and opened the door. When she closed it behind her, Graham didn’t relax, not even when he heard her car start up and pull out of the driveway.

  While he was relieved she was gone, she’d brought a storm of memories and feelings he’d rather keep buried with her, and then left them behind. Of course, he knew he wouldn’t have been able to keep them buried in his mind since they were coming up on the anniversary so he couldn’t be too angry with her for that.

  He could, however, be pissed off at the situation in general. He’d fought with himself over being with Blake in the first place, and now he would have to figure out how to get her back.

  He wasn’t good with words, never had been, but he had a feeling he’d have to tell her exactly what had happened with Candice. And that meant opening old wounds that had been barely scabbed over to begin with.

  He would do it, though. Not just because he had to, but also because it wasn’t fair to Cynthia to keep her in the dark of his memories for so long. She deserved more. Maybe this was another form of healing, or maybe this was him trying to move on. Either way, he owed Blake an explanation, and he just hoped he could give her the time to figure it all out.

  Though he knew he should call her right away, he put it off for just a bit. He cleaned up the mess he’d made before Candice had shown up and then finished the laundry. His body still ached from his day on the job, and while he probably should go to bed soon, he knew he couldn’t until he’d heard Blake’s voice. Even if it were just voicemail—if she ignored his call.

  After a little over an hour, he knew he’d waited long enough. He rubbed a hand over his face and pulled out his phone. In the long run, it might be easier to not call Blake and ignore everything that had happened, letting things run their course. But something told him it would never be that easy. He was working on the home she’d grown up in—and that was something he needed to find out more about, as there were secrets there;
things that lay between them. She also worked at Montgomery Ink so there would be no true avoidance of her. Not to mention, she was becoming friends with his future sister-in-law. And every time he’d tried to push her from his mind in the past, she’d shown up again anyway. Like at the hockey game, the shop, and even the damn grocery store. If he didn’t call and try to make things right, he knew he’d see her once again, and things would just get worse.

  So he dialed her number and took a breath, hoping he wasn’t making yet another mistake.

  When she picked up, he let out the breath he hadn’t been aware he was holding. “Graham.” Her voice was devoid of emotion, and that scared him more than if she’d cursed his name. Hell, he’d rather have heard anger or sadness because those were things he could find a way to work with, to apologize and atone for. And yet, this Blake with the cold voice—or on the edge of warm, he just wasn’t sure—told him he’d fucked up more than he thought.

  “Blake,” he whispered back, then cleared his throat. “I was afraid you weren’t going to pick up.”

  A pause. “I was afraid I wasn’t going to either.” Another pause. “I was at Maya’s. She called me as I was leaving your place.”

  He sat down on the back of his couch and folded one arm over his chest as he listened. “Everything okay with her?”

  The fact that his soon-to-be sister-in-law was pregnant scared the crap out of Graham, even as he was so overjoyed about the prospect of a niece or nephew, he couldn’t quite put it into words. This baby would be the second Gallagher of its generation, though with Cynthia gone, the eldest living. He wasn’t sure how he felt about all of that, other than that he couldn’t wait to see Jake as a father. There were more important things than his own grief, Graham knew that, though the ache in his heart would always be there, even as time moved on around him.

  And that was why he needed to tell Blake everything, to explain who he was, even if he didn’t truly understand. Not anymore.

  “She’s great,” Blake said, her voice a little warmer. “I think she was just a little lonely since the guys were going on their date tonight. And I think she wanted to spin me into her web of friends or something.”

  Though his heart hurt from what he’d put it through in the past couple of hours, he chuckled at the thought. “That sounds like Maya.” He sighed. “Will you come back over? Let me explain?”

  She was silent for long enough that he was afraid he’d made yet another mistake. “I can do that,” she said softly. “I’m actually sitting outside Maya’s house on my phone since I was just leaving when you called. I’m sure she’s pacing in there as she moves the blinds around to see me.”

  He laughed again despite the tension in the air. “See you soon?” he asked.

  “Yeah. But, Graham? I don’t like drama. I don’t need it. So let’s try to keep that to a minimum.”

  He didn’t answer that as he let her hang up, saying his goodbye quietly. She might not want drama, but he wasn’t sure he could avoid it, not with what he had to tell her. He raked his hand through his hair and tossed his phone on the couch. He wasn’t sure why he felt the need to be with Blake, but the fact that he did feel that need told him he’d better try and make something work. He hadn’t felt that need for anyone since Candice, and even then…it was different.

  When lights filled his front window, and the sound of a car pulling into his driveway reached him, he went to the door and opened it, hoping it was indeed Blake and not Candice again. He wasn’t sure he could deal with his ex-wife twice in one night. Hell, he couldn’t deal with her once in two years.

  Blake got out of her car and moved toward him, a tentative frown on her face. “Hey,” she said.

  “Hey.” He put his hands in his pockets and rocked on his heels. “Want to come in?”

  She smiled wryly. “Yeah, I guess that would be good. I didn’t get a chance to actually come inside the first time.”

  He nodded and turned to the side so she could pass him and go in first. He’d left the door open so she could walk right in if she chose. When he closed the door behind them, he once again put his hands in his pockets and studied her. She’d put on a light jacket and wore old jeans so he couldn’t see her ink, but he knew it was there. She filled out her clothes nicely, all curves with some angles that told him she could take down someone in a fight if she had to.

  Or maybe that was just his thinking since he’d fucked up already that day with her.

  “I’m sorry,” he said once they’d stared at each other for far too long. “I’m sorry you had to see that, and hell, I’m sorry if I made you feel like crap when my ex-wife showed up like that.”

  She tilted her head, studied his face. “I don’t think you’re the one that actually made me feel like crap. In fact, I think it was just her. You never once looked like you were happy to see her. You told me to go inside so you could get her to leave. I don’t think you hid her from me either. We’re still getting to know one another. But I have to say, it was still a jolt. And since I don’t like drama…” She shrugged. “I left.”

  He swallowed hard. “I get that. I do. And I’d say I don’t know why she came here, but that would be a lie. What’s not a lie is that I didn’t expect her to come here.”

  She narrowed her eyes. “She wants to be with you again?”

  He shook his head. “No, not in the slightest.” He sighed. “Candice is the type of person who can’t be alone. She just can’t do it. I don’t fault her for it. Even though it grates—when we were married and now. But that’s who she is and it’s what she needs. As I’m not that person, and don’t want to be the person she needs by her side, I pushed her away.”

  “I guess that makes sense.”

  He laughed, but it held no humor. “Not really, but that’s what happens when two people fall out of love and end up not liking each other. We don’t hate each other, but there’s not enough there for even a little like between us.”

  “Can I ask why you split up?” She shook her head. “Or if that’s not my business, I totally get it. It’s just that she mentioned she was your wife and conveniently left out the ex part.”

  He pinched the bridge of his nose before meeting her gaze again. “She did that out of reflex I think. I don’t know why, honestly, but I cleared it up for her, and now I want to clear it up for you. As for why we split up…” He let out a breath then let the truth spill from him. “We split up because we couldn’t go on like we were. We had a daughter, you see. Cynthia. And she died. It was sudden, and yet not so sudden all at the same time. And when she died, I couldn’t love the woman I’d married anymore, and she couldn’t love me either. They say people do that, couples that is. They say they break up and fall apart when they lose a child. I don’t know about others, but I do know that I couldn’t be with Candice after Cynthia died. We didn’t grieve the same way, and we sure as hell didn’t live the same way.” His voice broke. “And that was the problem, I guess. The fact that I lived and my baby didn’t.” Tears stung at his eyes and he blinked them away. He would weep, would cry when he needed to, but first, he had to get it all out.

  Blake moved to him quickly and covered his bearded cheeks with her hands. “My God, Graham. I am so sorry. So fucking sorry.” Tears filled her eyes, surprising the hell out of him. He hadn’t thought she’d cry for him, and he wasn’t sure how he felt about that. “I don’t know what I’d do…” She shook her head. “To lose a child, to outlive them must be one of the hardest things to ever go through. I’m so sorry, Graham.”

  He snorted but not at her words. “I guess this doesn’t fall under the no drama category you needed us to be placed in.”

  “I’m a bitch for even thinking there can be no drama in a relationship. You have people, you have drama. But this? It’s not drama, Graham. It’s heartache. Tragedy. Something you never should have gone through. And I’m sorry about that. So fucking sorry.” She looked into his eyes. “Will you tell me about her?”

  He let out a shaky breath. “Cynt
hia was everything. So light, bright, and just…everything. She made me and the brothers do tea parties, ink and all. And we sure as hell enjoyed them, even if we lied about it.”

  Blake blinked away her tears, and he leaned into her touch. “I can almost imagine the four of you all bearded and tatted up with dainty teacups in your hands.”

  He smiled. “Yeah, we did it. And it was a hell of an amazing thing.” He let out another breath. “When she was five, she fell in the backyard. Something all kids do, and I didn’t think much of it. I gave her a princess bandage for her cut and kissed it better. But it didn’t get better. The bruise got bigger and didn’t heal.”

  “Oh, Graham,” Blake whispered.

  “She had leukemia. I won’t go into the details of it, even though I can name the seven-word-long type she had. It was the rare form, the kind that surprised even the doctors because they’d almost never dealt with it. We started chemo right away. I watched as they put poison in my baby’s veins because they told me it was the only way to keep her with us.” He let the tears fall freely this time. “And when she began to fade, she was the one who kept smiling when I couldn’t. And when Candice started to break because she thought she wasn’t strong enough, it was our daughter who said it was okay to cry.”

  Blake kissed his chin, and he kept speaking through the tears. “She only lasted four months in chemo before it was too much. We didn’t have time, Blake. There was never enough time.” He wiped his face, pulling her away from him to do so. She put her hands on his chest, her gaze still on his even if he wasn’t really seeing, not then. “She died in my arms while Candice wept in the chair beside the hospital bed. We’d been taking turns holding our daughter because Cynthia couldn’t sleep without our touch. The pain was too bad, you see. But she died in my arms, a smile on her face because I’d been telling her a story about a princess and a dragon.”

  He closed his eyes, the memories hitting him hard, like shrapnel to the chest. “Candice and I buried her, then buried our marriage shortly after. So you see, I’m going to have drama, Blake, that’s a given, but I’m not the man I was with my ex-wife, and I’m never going to be again. If you can deal with the man I am now, even if I don’t know who that is, then I’m here. If not, then I understand.”