by Jess Dee
“No thanks.”
Melissa waited another few minutes, but when Ben still made no attempt to talk, she gave up. She walked into the kitchen and put the kettle on. If after a drink he was still so aloof, she’d leave. She didn’t want to feel alone at her lover’s place. She could go home to experience that. At least there she’d have all her comforts around her.
She stretched as the kettle boiled, her muscles pleasantly stiff, her body thoroughly used—and pleasured. Ben was insane if he thought she’d sought him out to make love again.
She’d had two men inside her tonight. That was more than enough activity for any woman for one night, thank you very much.
But perhaps she deserved Ben’s assumption. Hadn’t she approached him to fulfill her sexual needs? Hadn’t that been a pattern of behavior she’d developed over the past few weeks? Ben had every right to think that when she came looking for him all she expected was sex.
And yet tonight that was not what she wanted at all. She wanted to be held by him. Comforted. Soothed. She wanted to feel the reassurance of his affection for her. She wanted his love.
No, she craved it. Like an addict craved a fix.
Melissa sipped her tea alone at the kitchen table. The drink warmed her from the inside, but it didn’t prevent the chills that sprang up on her skin as she made her way back into the lounge. Ben hadn’t moved. Not an inch. And when she called his name, he didn’t respond.
Pain lanced through her chest. “Please, Ben, I’m floundering here. I don’t know what to say or how to act. Help me out. Tell what’s going on. Tell me why you’re acting like this.”
“Acting like what?”
“Aloof. Distant. I-I’m getting a strong sense y-you don’t want me here.” That was it exactly.
Ben didn’t want her there.
The knowledge hurt like hell. It crushed her ribs and squeezed her lungs. She hated how all the happiness that had settled inside her evaporated. Hated the insecurity his indifference wrought in her. Hated how uncertain she was—about herself and Ben’s feelings for her and her very reasons for being here. She hated it all.
Unexpected tears filled her eyes, and she blinked them back, swallowing hard over the lump in her throat.
He snorted. “Not wanting you is hardly the issue.”
She held out her hands in desperation. “Then what is?”
He didn’t answer, merely shook his head.
“Talk to me. Please.”
“Nothing to say.”
“Nothing? After everything that’s happened between us, you have nothing to say?”
Another shake of his head.
Melissa waited another moment or two, hoping against hope Ben would elaborate. He didn’t. Nor did he look at her. She might as well have been invisible.
There was nothing left to say or do. She’d run out of options. Holding her shoulders back and her spine straight, Melissa did her best to hide her misery. She collected her shoes and jacket from near the front door, and pulled them both on. Her garters and thigh-highs could stay on the floor in the bathroom. She had no need for them now.
“I-I’m going home.” Why she’d announced her intentions, she had no idea. Ben obviously wasn’t interested one way or the other.
Her heart sank, and the tears were back. She had to clear her throat before she could speak again. “Well, goodbye, then. Th-thank you again for earlier.”
No response.
“I guess I’ll see you at the office tomorrow.” If he even wanted to see her. Judging from his behavior now, that seemed unlikely.
It was only when her hand touched the door handle that Ben finally spoke again. And when he did, he said the last thing she’d ever have expected.
“I shared Sienna with another man.”
She spun around. “What did you say?”
“I fucked my fiancée at the same time as another man did.” He gave an empty laugh. “Although, technically, she wasn’t my fiancée anymore.”
So, she’d been wrong. She wasn’t the first woman he’d cared about that he’d shared with another man.
Every muscle in Melissa’s body tensed. She so did not want to hear about Sienna right now. Not after everything she and Ben had been through together. Not after everything they’d done together. Everything they’d shared. Not after she’d realized she wanted his love and affection—more than she wanted her next breath.
But suddenly his distance made sense. He’d been thinking about her. About Sienna. And Melissa wasn’t Sienna. She never would be. Perhaps Ben was realizing that all too clearly. Perhaps he’d compared the two of them and found Melissa lacking.
“Is there a reason you’re telling me this?”
He nodded. “So you’ll understand.”
“Understand what?”
“The hell I’m going through now.”
Melissa stared at him, heartbroken and perplexed. “What hell?”
“The hell of knowing I shared you with another man.”
She let her hand drop off the handle. “I really don’t understand. Not at all.” But she wanted to.
Her eyes were growing accustomed to the dimness, and she saw the grimace on his face. “I went after Sienna when she broke off the engagement. Wasn’t ready to let her go. I followed her to a small island resort, thinking it would be the perfect place to convince her I was serious about us, serious about getting back together.” He looked up at Melissa. “A tropical island. Romantic, no? A luxury hotel, balmy weather, sunset on the beach. The perfect place to heal a broken relationship, don’t you think?”
She nodded. What else could she do? Beg him to stop speaking about his ex? Convince him he should be with her, not Sienna? Not likely. Ben was lost in his memories, and it didn’t matter what Melissa said to him, she sensed she wouldn’t reach him tonight.
“Sienna thought it was romantic too. Very romantic. So romantic, she met a guy there and fell in love with him.”
“Ben…”
“I was arrogant, you know? Overconfident in myself and in Sienna. I thought there was no way she’d refuse me. Seeing her with another bloke? It threw me. Made me jealous as hell. Made me even more arrogant. Made me think I was better than him. So I threw down the gauntlet. Challenged Sienna to sleep with both of us, at the same time, and then pick the man she liked more. I assumed she’d pick me. How could she not? We’d been together for eight years.”
Melissa swallowed, unsure what to do next. Stand around, helpless, while Ben spoke, offer him comfort or leave. Hard choice, since Melissa didn’t want to see Ben in pain, but she also didn’t want to hear any more about Sienna. She didn’t think her heart could take it. Besides, if his behavior over the last half an hour was anything to go by, he didn’t want her anywhere near him.
“She didn’t pick me.” Ben shook his head. “She chose the other guy. Josh.”
Melissa went to sit on the other couch. “You lost your own challenge.”
“It hurt.” He snorted, as though that might be the understatement of the century. “It fucking tore me in half. I thought I’d never recover.”
Something about the way Ben said it made Melissa wonder what had hurt more: losing the challenge or losing the woman he loved?
“That’s why I moved to Sydney. I had to get away from Newcastle, get away from my life there. It was so intertwined with Sienna’s, I couldn’t escape the pain, couldn’t get away from the loss. Wherever I went, it surrounded me.”
That same pain was so evident in his voice now, it made Melissa ache for him. Made her want to hold him in her arms, take the hurt away. She’d known hurt like that. She understood his pain. But Ben hadn’t given any indication he wanted to be held. He’d only told her he wanted her to understand.
“There was no one after Sienna. Not for a long time. No one interested me. Until I met Will. And then he suggested a threesome.” A long silence followed. “That was the night my dick found life again.” His voice was hollow. “It wasn’t an emotional thing, mind you. It was pur
ely about sex. And fucking a woman while another man joined us.”
“You sound as though you hated it.” The first time he’d told her about it, he hadn’t sounded this way at all. He’d portrayed it as fun, exciting and sexually stimulating.
“I did. Parts of it, anyway. Don’t get me wrong. The sex was good. Always. In fact, until you walked into my office that night, it was the only thing that got me aroused. But I hated what it represented. Hated what it reminded me of.”
His real love. “Your night with Sienna and her new guy?”
“My loss.”
This time she had to know the answer. “Your loss of Sienna, or your loss of the challenge?”
“Both.”
At least he was honest.
“Part of the reason I had so many threesomes with Will was the challenge. He never knew about it, but every time I fucked a woman with him, I silently challenged him. Waited to see who the woman would choose afterwards. Which one of us she preferred. Me or Will.”
“You made them choose?” The idea horrified Melissa.
“No. Never. But I did watch them all very carefully afterwards. Took note of which one of us they’d gravitate towards.”
“And?”
“Some gravitated to me, some to Will. Some left without a backward glance, and some wanted both of us again.”
“And this gave you pleasure?” Melissa tried to keep the horror from her voice.
“The sex gave me pleasure. The challenge afterwards? Not at all. But I found myself doing it time and time again. And now I understand why.”
“Explain it to me.” She wasn’t understanding anything.
“It was my way of working through Sienna’s rejection. My way of sorting it out in my head. I think I hoped that if enough women chose me over Will, my hurt pride would be healed. It wouldn’t burn so much every time I thought about Sienna.”
“And have you? Sorted it out, I mean? Is your pride healed? H-has the burn stopped?”
Ben nodded. “I thought so. In fact, after the first couple of months I’d stopped caring who the women chose. It no longer mattered. Until tonight.”
Melissa pursed her lips, let Ben’s words filter through to her consciousness. “Until I let you and Will fuck me at the same time.” Her ribs contracted around her lungs, squeezing them, choking her. “I…” Breathing became impossible. “I was the challenge tonight.”
Ben looked at her. He didn’t deny it.
“You fucked me, with Will, knowing that after all was said and done it would be my turn to choose.” Bile rose in her throat, and she fought the urge to be sick. “You set me up. Put me in a position to choose.”
“I did.” He agreed with such a dearth of emotion, Ben might have been discussing the weather.
“A-after everything we’ve been through together, everything we’ve done together, you…” She had to stop, take a breath. “You thought I might choose him?” Dear God. She’d lain in Ben’s bed, not thirty minutes ago, marveling about how close she felt to him, how important he’d become in her life. How essential he was for her very breath. And he’d been sitting here, wondering who she’d choose. Him or Will.
“I…still think that.” A wealth of pain accompanied his words.
Melissa stared at him, aghast. Horrified. Appalled. And crushed. He thought her capable of choosing his friend over him? Her? The woman who never let any man get close—except Ben?
Okay, so she’d made no promises to him, no pledges of love. In fact, she’d given him very little reason to believe she might choose him. But she’d changed. She was a different woman from the one who’d stalked into his office, stripped and demanded Ben fuck her. He’d changed her. Forced her to confront her life, view it differently. Forced her to let him into her heart.
No, she may not have openly said she’d changed, but Ben need only look at her, observe her behavior to know she was different. For heaven’s sake, she was in his flat, spending the night. This from the woman who wouldn’t let him walk her to her car just a few short weeks ago. Who’d balked when he’d phoned her at home.
How had he repaid that trust, that confidence she’d bestowed on him? Not by making her every fantasy a reality, like she’d originally thought. Not by wowing her with his generosity. Oh, no. He’d made her into a challenge. He’d given her the opportunity to choose another man. And to make matters worse, he believed she would choose that other man.
“You believe that if I walk out that door now, I’ll go to him? To Will?” Surely he couldn’t be that blind? That ridiculous?
“Yep. That’s exactly what I believe.”
Melissa’s head reeled. He had that little faith in her. Ben, who’d always treated her with nothing but the utmost respect, who’d inspired her trust and confidence, believed the worst of her. Ben honestly thought she could walk away after a couple of hours spent naked with his friend.
The pain descended then. Like a million daggers, striking from all angles, cutting at her flesh, tearing at her insides.
“I let you in, Ben. I gave myself to you. I confided in you, told you my secrets. You know about my HSC. You know about Thomas. I shared things with you I’ve never shared with another soul.” She had to gulp back the lump in her throat and blink several times to stop the tears from coming. ”Physically, I gave you everything. Let you do things I’ve never let anyone else do. Trusted you to share me with another man for a night. And this is what you give me in return? This is the faith you have in me?”
Ben stared at the floor.
“You think I would choose another man over you? A man I barely know?”
Still he stared at the floor, but now he nodded while he stared.
She swallowed back the lump in her throat and attacked her cheeks with her hands, viciously wiping away tears that had leaked from her eyes. She wouldn’t let Ben see her cry. Would not.
When her voice was steady enough that she trusted it to speak, she quietly said, “I thought you knew me better than that. Assumed you knew me better. “
His silence slayed her.
“Apparently you don’t me at all.” Melissa rose to her feet. Wounded to the bone, she trudged back to the front door. “That’s my cue to leave.”
She hesitated, waited for the briefest of seconds, hoping against hope that he’d stop her from going.
He didn’t.
She didn’t hesitate this time. “Goodnight, Ben.”
Ben didn’t go to work the next day. Or the one after that. He didn’t need to. He’d clocked so many extra hours these last few weeks, working late while waiting for Melissa, he could have taken three days’ leave.
He needed the time to drown his sorrows in a bottle of scotch.
He’d planned the perfect evening for Melissa, given her everything she’d wanted, and in the process destroyed a piece of himself.
Instinct had told him from the beginning that he wasn’t emotionally equipped to share her. He just didn’t have it in him. He’d shared Sienna and lost her. If he lost Melissa he didn’t think he’d survive.
But he’d done it. For her. He’d wanted her to enjoy everything she’d refused to enjoy up until now. Wanted her to see that life wasn’t only about work and succeeding. It was about living too.
Ben polished off two bottles of scotch, and when his liquor cabinet failed to reveal another bottle, he opened a Chardonnay—one of the many he’d bought for Melissa.
She’d flourished under his and Will’s attention. Blossomed. She’d loved every second of the threesome. Just as he’d intended. And if the truth be told, he’d enjoyed it almost as much. Sexually, it was an incredibly stimulating, exciting evening.
Emotionally it had flattened him. Crippled him. Terrified him.
He did in the wine and plowed into a second bottle.
He didn’t want Melissa to choose. Never wanted the option to ever enter her head. He never wanted her to think that Will was a possibility.
But then he’d assumed Sienna would never think Josh was a possi
bility, and look how that had turned out.
Fuck. He’d done it again. Made the very mistake that had cursed his life. He’d shared the woman he loved with another man. And he hadn’t done it purely for her pleasure. He’d done it to test her. To see if like Sienna, she’d also choose the other man. Or if possibly, just possibly, Melissa had developed feelings for Ben. Feelings like he felt for her. He’d done it to see if Melissa would choose him.
And he despised himself for putting her in that situation.
Ben would have opened a third bottle of wine, but he couldn’t find one—even though he knew he’d bought at least a dozen bottles. He couldn’t find the bottle opener either, which was odd, because he’d used it just a few minutes before, hadn’t he? He also wasn’t sure where his bedroom was. That blew his mind. He’d lived in the apartment for almost a year. Shouldn’t he know by now?
He wandered around aimlessly until he found it.
Then he lay down on his bed—or maybe it was Melissa’s bed. It kinda smelled like her. Like vanilla and cinnamon and sex—and slept the rest of the day, the entire night and well into the next morning.
He trudged into the office the next day, feeling just as unsettled and unrested as he had for the last two days. Very little had changed. The alcohol had done nothing but numb his senses—and leave him with the mother of all headaches. The pain, the heartache and the sense of utter failure on his part still remained. At least now he had a good idea of how Melissa had felt when she’d failed her HSC. How devastated she must have been.
Ben contemplated arming himself with a few caramel kisses and heading straight for Melissa’s office. He decided against it. A couple of pastries were not going to heal the damage he had caused. They would not make everything better. Besides, he was too ashamed of his actions to face the woman he loved and had, in all likelihood, lost. Either to Will or to the stupidity of his own actions.
He knew he would face her. Just as soon as his thoughts were clear enough to work out what he wanted to say and the best way to say it. His mind, still pickled in alcohol, wasn’t equipping him with appropriate words or ideas right now. He needed a plan. He needed to devise a way of apologizing to Melissa, of begging her to forgive him for his monumental screw-up and then of convincing her that for all his dumb-arse stupidity, she and he were meant to be together. She was never, ever, ever meant to be with Will.
