Tails of Low I.Q. (Flop Fiction)

by Karan Virk

  The plug is in the wire. I am turning the computer on. My target....Hacking the Police website. Hacking is pretty easy, if you work for a Computer Software Company, or if you are a Computer Engineer. Or, maybe I am just too drunk!

  Wednesday

  3:00 P.M.

  I am on the location, I printed from the computer yesterday. It is the area of, Drug Lord A.J. Short for, Aditya Jhand. Supplies drugs to everybody in the whole state. From college students to peons to roadside vendors. I walk in the back alley. There is a little window. I kick the window. Still intact! One more kick. Not breaking. Windows also open. I open the window and jump on the floor. There is a faint smell of drugs in the air. I don't know whether it is cocaine, or heroine, or a mixture of several drugs. I have a knife...That's it. I am hiding behind a big drum. All I can see is some men, packaging some packets into big boxes. Looks like they hit a jackpot today........Something has hit me….My brain is falling into darkness.

  A.J. - Who are you? What do you want? Why are you here?

  Why are you doing this? Don't you believe in respect!

  A. J. - I believe in death, destruction, chaos, filth and greed.

  “Kill Him!”

  He is walking away! The cries of alligator coming from his shoes....The goons are gathering around me. I am tied up. Can't move. Wait, they are bringing some sort of bottle. It has something in it. They are pouring it on my hand. AAAHHHH.....This shit burns..It is acid..My hand feels so dead. It feels like it has been cut off. Augh! Shit, this guy just punched me in my face. He is getting ready to throw the second punch. I need to close my eyes...

  5 Minutes Later

  My face feels messed up. I can feel the blood dripping on my pants from my face. Not done yet! Something is stinging me in my back. One of the goon is taking something out of my back...Knife..Bastard stabbed me. He is going for it the second time..So, much for being a superhero!

  10 Minutes Later

  Flies have started walking on my back. I can feel my sliced skin getting sucked on by the flies. I turn my eyes towards the front. A gun pointing at my face. It is over. This is where he shoots. This is where I die. After one minute, a bullet is going to hit my face point blank, and the pieces of my face are going to be scattered on the floor. And, my body will be lying in a gutter. My heartbeat is going faster again. Experiencing a gun on your head, and facing death right in the barrel are two different cases. I should just close my eyes and say my last prayers. I hear the trigger being clicked. I heard it, the sound of my death approaching towards me....AAAHHHH...My shoulder...The bullet just hit my shoulder.

  “I heard something. Go check the door. Maybe it is Police...Let’s go.”

  I am alone, with the pain increasing minute by minute. The ropes they tied me with have become loose. I am trying to break free. I think I got it. Freedom. I am making my way out of the back door. I am running, as fast as I can. I can only hear one thing...My footsteps. My breath is becoming heavy. Can't run anymore. I am on the highway. The bullet is still in my shoulder! It feels like the fire from Hell. The poison is going to start making way through my body. Need to do something fast! I have my knife. It is surely going to hurt at first. AH! The knife is in, and now I take it out. The bullet falls on the road. Blood is dripping on the road, from my shoulder to the road. I am taking my shirt off, covering my shoulder. Shirt is getting painted red. Need to go home.

  12:00 P.M.

  Midnight

  It is Thursday. I am on the roof. Staring at the lonely night. I have done my dressing. Now, I understand the true meaning of life. There was a moment... when I used to blame everything and everyone... for all the pain and suffering and vile things that I went through. Used to blame everybody. Blamed people, blamed society, and blamed God. I didn't get any answers ‘cause I was asking the wrong questions. You have to ask the right questions. And the question is, ‘When will the system be cured?’ When will the crime rate decrease? When will people quit their selfishness?

  Now, I am seeing the true sunset. I have emailed, Police the whereabouts of, A.J. I do not want my picture on the front page; neither do I want any rewards. Because I know, I have done nothing. I am not a superhero. I have found out who I am.

  I am jumping off my roof. My body is going to hit the ground and it is going to be all over. The, corruption is not that easy to change. Everybody is involved in it. It attacks your brain, but your heart is still there. Think through your heart..Breathe through your heart. Like this wind carrying me softly towards the ground. Feels like I am lying on my bed. But, this bed is a doorway towards the clouds. I found out who I am. I just have one last word.

  “Superman.”

  The End!

  Karan’s Notes

  *) This story is continuously told from a First – Person Narrative where the lead character describes the actions taking place around him.

  3) ‘Jungli’ Kingdom

  Location: Champakvan Wildlife Sanctuary, India.

  Champakvan Wildlife Sanctuary located in India was a peaceful sanctuary divided into three regions with each region ruled by a lion. In recent times Champakvan was experiencing harsh conditions due to constant threats of Poaching, Human induced problems, Air – Water Pollution, Forest destruction, etc. To defend their territory the rulers proposed a meeting of, ‘Jungle Board’ consisting of different animals representing various fields.

  Alpha Lion – “Silence people!...I mean animals expect the Chimpanzees because you gorillas…Ahm!...Chimps share 98% of your D.N.A. with humans. Everybody clap for the useless information provided. Now the meeting begins. Jungle Board, go ahead.”

  Jungle Board started suggesting their solutions.

  Bear - “I say we bring some birds from Afghanistan. Next time whenever a hunter sets foot in the jungle….KABOOM…BOOM CHIK…BOOM…Freshly baked human meat sprinkled with some feathers courtesy of our suicide sparrows.”

  Kingfisher - “If we want some aggressive defenses, then we could deploy suicide lemmings. After all they are going to commit suicide sooner or later.”

  Squirrel – “That’s downright Racism. I suggest we all go into hibernation mode.”

  Cheetah – “Uptohowmanygenerationsdoyousuggest?”

  Chimpanzee – “Slow down C for Cheetah! Look we all have our opinions but these tactics are downright foolish. I mean, Crocodile wanted to migrate some Japanese Cranes over here and have them build a wall of Laser shouting bats. I say we start with baby steps. Let’s implant some, ‘Complaint Boxes’ in Champakvan. This will give us a chance to look at the problems faced by the animals and tackle them.”

  Everyone agreed with this idea and complaint boxes were installed. After five weeks the three lions met to monitor their progress.

  Alpha Lion (Speaking in a ‘Congress’ Tone) – “I tried to resolve majority of the complaints. I installed ‘Air Traffic Control’ to watch for over speeding birds. A lot of birds never pick up proper speed and often crash into trees or fellow animals causing life threatening accidents. So, any bird that is caught exceeding the speed limit will be fined by placing in a pond/lake to swim for the remainder of the days. I also built hospitals and marriage offices for animals who want to cross hybrid between each other.”

  Beta Lion (Counteracting with a ‘BJP’ Tone) – “I have spread the power among my animals. Although, I suggested them to observe the antics of local Villagers/Forest Rangers and become more civilized. A lot of the animals have started wearing undergarments and some have even started spying on humans to learn the proper ways of disposing their waste material. Some species have started becoming great friends and they use each other. Monkeys skip ropes with snakes becoming their ropes, rhinoceroses strike artistic poses with horses allowing them to imagine they are unicorns, and cheetahs carry sloths and snails on their back. It’s the era of privatization.”

  Theta Lion – “I got tired of my Vegetarian diet. So, I ate all the animals in my region, permanently removing their tension!”

  The End!
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br />   Karan’s Notes

  *) Alpha Lion holds viewpoint of Indian National Congress. Indian National Congress is one of the two major political parties in India, the other being the Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP). It is the largest and one of the oldest democratic political parties in the world. The party's modern liberal platform is largely considered center-left in the Indian political spectrum. The main ideologies of the centre-left are modern liberalism and social democracy and sometimes democratic Socialism. Centre-left political parties generally support:

  a) A mixed economy consisting of both private enterprise and publicly owned or subsidized programmers of education, universal health care, child care and related social services for all citizens.

  b) An extensive system of social security, with the stated goal of counteracting the effects of poverty and insuring the general public against loss of income following illness, unemployment or retirement (National Insurance contributions) and equal rights and opportunity.

  *) Beta Lion hold viewpoint of Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP). The party's platform is generally considered right of center (center-right) in the Indian political spectrum. Parties of the centre-right generally support the market economy limited forms of government regulation, private property rights, and opposition to socialism and communism.

  4) Miss Economy

  Location: Bokaro Steel Plant, Jharkhand, India.

  The results of the first ever ‘Miss Economy’ contest were about to be announced. The contestants were mainly from Upper – Class families.

  Announcer – Sorry for any inconvenience audience. Due to budget cuts we were forced to hold our unique ‘Economic Pageant’ at an unequally ordinary, chemical filled environment, coated with masculine sweat, the Bokaro Steel Plant plus they were the only sponsors we could find. Our managers have requested to kindly donate any clothing item to pay off the microphone, sound, light, and stage expenses….To get you all to cooperate we have told the laborers to increase the heat by doing more metalworking….So, you may have noticed the temperature has increased to 27.9 Degree Celsius…..On the plus side you all got to watch free fireworks and suffer from heat waves caused by the blast furnaces throughout the show. Now the first ever ‘Miss Economy’ is………………..

  “Wait! I object to the name your voice box is going to play.”

  Announcer – This is not for promotion purposes audience. We never planted any failed actress amongst you. Miss, would you come on the stage!

  The woman walked on the stage and was given a microphone.

  “Hi, my name is ‘Miss Jharkhand’! I would like to win the title of ‘Miss Economy’ because I am a ‘Beauty with Duty’. I am the living embodiment of Jharkhand’s economy. Neither High nor Middle and not even Low, my Economic class is Poverty. I am a member of a society where my caste has alienated me. But I have no regrets. We poor make a bulky unemployed family. As a child my mother could never buy me expensive frocks/skirts, she always hand stitched various clothing layers found in bacteria ridden garbage bins. My mother, my idol dried and sold cow dungs. Watching her I tried to get an exceptional education in any affordable Public School. Dirty life forced me to eat from dustbin, drink from sewer line, and bathe in acidic gutters. I slept with my mother on a concrete floor. Once, after getting bitten by ‘Monsoon’ mosquitoes I became a carrier of Malaria. We could not afford the medicine. So, my mother bought a packet of ‘Good Night’ (Mosquito Repellent Bars) and fed me a small bar from it. Never experienced the touch of princess dolls, my hands have always played with broken shards of glass, hammer, and nails. I am a member of the world with no taxes, laws, or monarchy. My poor brothers and sisters add to this country’s population. In this way our country can gain sympathy from developed nations. I may not be a model but I represent the never ending crisis of India’s journey.”

  Judge – Waaaaaaaaaaaaah! I crown the ‘Miss Economy’ title to ‘Mother India….Oh…I mean ‘Miss Jharkhand’. She will be awarded a lifetime opportunity to work and degrade the economy of Andaman and Nicobar Islands.

  A group of celebrating youth creating loud noises barged into the spectators and started dancing.

  Judge – Waaaaaaaaaaaaaht? Announcer since we could not afford security, you go wrestle these bodybuilders and throw them out.

  Miss Jharkhand stopped the all ready shivering announcer and spoke on the microphone.

  “Sir, these are my supporters who live with me in the nearby ‘Chawls’. They are also unemployed. But they have created excellent bodies by working as Stuntmen in various Regional and some Bollywood movies. It would be extremely supportive of you to host a Bodybuilding Competition for this group to participate in. You are saving a lot of money by gifting me a cheap visit to Andaman and Nicobar Islands, one of the Union Territories of India. So, they can be easily distributed in developing countries such as Nepal, Bangladesh, Zimbabwe, Africa, Uganda, and be provided with citizenship.”

  The judge became speechless.

  The End!

  Karan’s Notes

  *) Jharkhand, an East India state contributes to about 4.2% of overall poverty of the country. Around 77.0% is the proportion of poor living in Jharkhand.

  *) ‘Good Night’ is an Indian Mosquito Repellent product. It is usually manufactured in the shape of small rectangular bars.

  *) A chawl is a name for a building type mainly found in India. Often referred to as kholis, which literally means ‘rooms’ on each floor. There are often 4 to 5 stories in a chawl housing around 10 – 30 tenants.

  5) “The Sufferer became the Conqueror!”

  Lallu Lulu and his assistant Cheeku, a team of untrained Indian ‘Hazmat’ Workers were urgently dispatched to quarantine a village after it got struck by a pandemic.

  Lallu – Is the radius clear?

  Cheeku – Yes, sir we quickly got all of the villagers out of the area. Currently they are being vaccinated; moreover we found the source of this unknown disease to be the well of the village which serves as the main water site.

  Lallu – So, it can be a broken sewer line or maybe a bird’s waste droppings that contaminated the water.

  Cheeku – Sir, look…………..!

  Cheeku spotted a villager lying on a charpoy coughing constantly.

  Lallu – Approach with care, it can be a mirage created by the bacteria/virus ridden environment to infect us.

  Lallu and Cheeku carefully walked towards the charpoy and started staring at the villager.

  Lallu – He seems to be alive. Quick give him ‘Mouth – to – Mouth’ before we lose him.

  Cheeku – Haaaaaaaaaaaa……..

  “Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu………..Fuuuuuuuuuuuu……..”

  Cheeku – Aye, don’t give me this inappropriate language right now. This is a question of our promotion and your safety. Now open wide. Say, Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa………..

  “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…….You are kneeling on my privates…..Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu……………”

  Lallu – Wait! His heart rate is falling down, pulse is decreasing, and body temperature seems to be rising…..We are losing him…Quick, give him ‘C.P.R.’!

  Cheeku – Sir, I don’t know how to ‘C.P.U.’! But, I brought this fire extinguisher with me from our van. If you want I can Fuuuuuuuuuuuuusssssssshhhhhhhh him.

  “Fu….Fuuuu…………. Fuuuuuuuuuuuu……………..”

  Cheeku – Sir, you have the ‘Right to Know’ that he is pointing towards you to come closer to him.

  Lallu kneeled closer to the villager.

  “Fuuuuu……..Take Ofuuuuuuuuuuu Your Clothes……..Fuuuuuuuuuuuu…”

  Cheeku – Sir, maybe you should……..

  Lallu – Shuuuuuuuuuuuut Up Cheeku……This dying man wants to feel the warmth of human flesh before he coughs his last breath.

  Lallu quickly took off his hazmat suit and took the man’s hand into his hand. Suddenly, the villager tightened his grip and spat on Lallu’s face.

  “Thuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu
uu………………..”

  Lallu – Huuuuuuuuuuuunh! Why did you give me your saliva sample? We could have extracted that during postmortem.

  “Looooooooooooks like you didn’t recognize me….I am your old assistant, Kallu. We had an internship in Honolulu. You caused a massive leak at the chemical plant destroying an ancient forest full of sacred animals and mountains worshipped by local residents. You blamed me for the disaster and came back to India. When you were continuing your Hazmat career over here, I was sentenced to a 7 month community service in which I had to clean up sewers full of toxic waste. After getting demoted back to India, I spent several years searching you. In this long hiatus I picked up various diseases through mosquito bites, eating pig meat, eating chicken with pig meat, and by transferring blood from dead bodies of beggars into my veins. Since then I have wandered villages of different states, wiping their existence from the map. Finally, I have found you and I have made you a carrier of diseases with mixtures of deadly viruses and bacteria. Now Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuk off………..”

  Lallu – Cheeku doooooooooooooooooo something! Quick take my blood sample….No, go get a pipe and doooooooooooooooo blooooooooood transfuuuuuuuuuuuuusion.

  Cheeku – Sir, no white blood cell is strong enough to kill your mixture of Malaria, H1N1, Bird Flu, and Indian Beggar Disease….I will get you a charpoy and you can bond with your old assistant. I believe all of you got the moral of the story where, “The Sufferer became the Conqueror!”