Marrying an Older Man

by Arlene James

  Caroline smiled as she watched Jesse bending over the boy. What a wonderful father he would make. Jesse looked up then and caught the shimmer of her smile. "What?" he whispered.

  She quietly said, "You should have a son of your own."

  His expression instantly hardened. He straightened abruptly, turned and walked from the room. Caroline quickly followed. He was waiting at the top of the stairs, his big hands gripping the banister. Caroline went to nun and placed a concerned hand on his shoulder, but to her shock he flinched away. "Jesse, what is it?"

  "There's something you should know," he said, visibly forcing himself to relax. He lifted his head and looked her straight in the eye, but she felt what it cost him to do so. "I'm never going to be anyone's father," he said flatly. "Never."

  She couldn't believe her ears. "Jesse, how can you say such a thing? You don't know—"

  "Yes, I do," he said. "It's a decision I made a long time ago, and that's all you have to know."

  "But Jesse—"

  "All these games of yours, Caroline, they're just that," he said abruptly. "That's all they can be. You need to understand that."

  She bunked at him. Didn't he know? Didn't he understand yet? She folded her arms. "Jesse, I'm not playing any games with you," she told him. "And you ought to know me better than that by now."

  He stared at her for a moment longer, a world of worry in his eyes. Then he swung around the end of the gracefully carved banister and hurried down the stairs, back toward the safety of the living room. Caroline sighed. What was she missing here? How could a man like Jesse, a man made for marriage and family,

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  just decide never to allow himself such fulfillment? She knew he wanted it. She saw how he had looked at his nephew, the silent longing, the quiet love. What was it that made Jesse think, mistakenly, that he shouldn't have what Rye had—a family of his own? He'd meant to warn her that he wasn't what she wanted, but Caroline knew better. The question was, Why didn't he know? And how could she help him?

  Christmas Eve was a revelation to Caroline. She should have realized that she wasn't the only one who saw what a great group of people the Wagners were, but she was surprised, nevertheless, when the doorbell rang just after eleven that morning and the . house was suddenly full of people. They came and went steadily for the next five hours, sometimes bearing gifts. At some point during the hubbub Sarah laughingly explained that an old tradition in which they had indulged for years would not die, that of the Christmas Eve Open House. It had been years since she'd sent out invitations and laid out a hearty spread, but people still came.

  "And you still love it," Caroline surmised correctly, happy to see Sarah so happy. "Next year we'll lay out a buffet that will have them taking up residence. We'll have to throw them out."

  Sarah laughed heartily, only the slight hitch in her breath revealing that the pain in her back had caught her unaware. When Caroline offered to get her something for it, Sarah assured her that she had already taken an analgesic, which should kick in soon. Then she went on about her role as hostess, smiling and chatting and alternately preening and blushing under the welcome weight of compliments.

  Shoes Kanaka arrived late in the day and stayed on after everyone else had gone. He brought with him gifts from Champ's Chako grandparent, Man Father, and a request that the boy be allowed to visitJiim on the reservation for the ceremony marking the formal end of mourning for Champ's mother and Man Father's daughter, Di'wana, who had succumbed some weeks earlier to a brain tumor. The whole story had brought tears to Caroline's eyes when she'd first heard it at Thanksgiving, but as Shoes explained the traditional ceremony and its meaning to the family,. Caroline took comfort in the fact that the Chako would celebrate

  Di'wana's passing to a simpler life on a higher plane of existence. Champ seemed to understand the significance and to want to participate. It was decided, with little discussion, that he would be allowed to do so. When Shoes then extended an invitation for Rye and Kara to observe, that, too, was quickly accepted. With that somber duty out of the way, the family was free to enjoy the light supper which Caroline had prepared for them and to get down to the real fun, what Sarah called "having the tree."

  They began with a simple reading of the Christmas story. Ha-ney read it himself out of the family Bible, his gravelly voice imbuing the words with special meaning. Afterward, Rye produced his guitar and led the family in a number of familiar carols so sweet that Caroline wanted them never to end. Finally, Sarah got out the many cards that had arrived during the previous weeks and passed them around, so everyone would know who had sent season's greetings. At long last it was time to hand out the gifts.

  This last, most fun part of the evening was a laughing, messy kind of free-for-all, with everyone talking at once and passing gifts back and forth until the tree was stripped and all were rewarded. They ripped into the bounty with happy abandon.

  Man Father had sent interesting blessing or good luck holders to the family, small hand-painted and beaded bags filled with pretty polished stones, feathers and other items of potential magic or "medicine." Caroline was thrilled beyond words to find that she had been included. It was a small thing, but a thoughtful one, and she knew that she had Shoes to thank for it. In addition to the blessing bag, there were other unexpected gifts for her: a pair of bright yellow galoshes from Haney, which elicited laughter from those in the know; a beautifully tailored navy wool coat from Sarah; an intricately carved wood keepsake box from Rye and Kara. Tiger and Handsome, who weren't even present, had slipped in turquoise button covers and a set of pretty hair combs for her, and most surprising of all, a long silk scarf from Jesse. Caroline was overwhelmed.

  Others received far grander gifts, of course, and Caroline took as much pleasure in those as her own. Rye and Kara were giving Sarah and Haney a trip to Phoenix to see old friends who had retired there. For Jesse they had chosen a set of classic novels

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  about the Old West, bound in hand-tooled leather. For Shoes they had bought an elaborately dyed and inlaid deerskin vest. Champ got new boots to replace those he'd outgrown and a pair of games for the much-coveted electronic gizmo his grandparents had bought him. Shoes gave him a woven Chako belt that identified him as a member of Man Father's clan.

  Even though Caroline had had a strong hand in the gifts chosen and purchased for each other by Sarah, Haney and Jesse, she still enjoyed seeing those things presented and received. Haney took a good deal of ribbing over the gown and robe, but he didn't seem to mind since Sarah was thrilled, so much so that she rewarded him with a steamy kiss in front of the whole family. He blushed but otherwise seemed unaffected.

  Caroline dispensed her own gifts with mingled delight and trepidation. Most of them were small in comparison to others', but she'd poured her whole heart into them. Sarah exclaimed happily over her proposed day at the spa, but protested the cost until Caroline whispered to her how generous Jesse had been with her Christmas bonus. In addition, Caroline gave her a pair of red gloves. Sarah couldn't get over the fit of her gloves, the roomier fingers made getting them off and on much easier than the old ones, and the tight cuffs assured that her hands would stay warm. "You have to tell me where you got these, Caroline," she said. "I'll want another pair for certain."

  "I'll make you another anytime you want," Caroline declared happily. That elicited gasps from the whole gathering.

  "You made these?" Kara asked, carefully examining the tiny red wool stitches encasing Sarah's hand.

  "You couldn't have made these," Haney said, holding up the socks she'd given him.

  "Oh, those are easy," she said dismissively. "They're just tubes."

  "But they're padded on the bottoms!"

  "Look at the hat Caroline made me!" Champ demanded, proudly holding aloft a simple, cuffed, knitted cap dyed to look like faded denim.

  Everyone oohed and aahed appropriately, as much for Champ's benefit as in admiration of the sill
y cap, Caroline was sure, but

  then Shoes unfurled the muffler she'd made for him, and everyone abruptly fell silent. For a long, awful moment, she was afraid she'd done something dreadful, but then Shoes smoothed his hand over the narrow strip of colored wool and looked up at her. "Caroline, this is incredible."

  She didn't quite know what to make of mat. She ran her palms over her thighs nervously. "I don't know what you mean. I just copied the pattern in that painted leather tie you wear in your hair."

  "That pattern is Shoes' personal Chako identification," Rye explained. "It's like a personal signature."

  "Oh, dear." Caroline looked at Shoes in apology. "I should have asked permission. I'm so sorry."

  Shoes raised a hand to stop her. "No, it's all right. Actually, it's quite wonderful. I'm amazed you could copy it so accurately. You enlarged it instead of repeating it."

  She shrugged. "I noticed that it was enlarged but not repeated on your belt"

  He nodded. "Very observant. I thank you."

  "My pleasure."

  "A most talented young woman," Shoes mused. "Isn't that right, Jesse?"

  But Jesse didn't answer. He was too busy staring down into the box on his lap that he had been carefully opening. Seeing this, Rye wandered over to stand behind Jesse and peer down into the box himself. "Wow."

  "What is it, Jesse?" Sarah asked. "What did Caroline make for you?"

  Jesse picked up the sweater by the shoulders and gently shook it out, turning it so that everyone could see the front. The grayish blue body was a perfect match for his eyes, and the geometric yellow, red, and black pattern across the chest was derived from a published Navajo pattern. She had carefully worked a single black silhouette of a horse like a kind of badge over the right breast.

  "The horseman," Shoes pronounced sagely. "It suits you, Jesse."

  I:

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  "Oh, Jesse, it's beautiful," Sarah said. "Caroline, you've outdone yourself."

  Rye smiled knowingly, slipping a look between Caroline and his brother. "Try it on," Kara urged.

  Wordlessly, Jesse set aside the box and wrapping, stood, opened the bottom of the sweater and thrust his arms inside, quickly pulling it down over his head and shoulders. It smoothed into place flawlessly, the perfect length, the perfect width, the perfect everything. He ran his hand lightly over the front, then held out his arms, gamely modeling. When his eyes finally met hers, Caroline knew that she had done well. "Thank you," he said simply, and it meant more to Caroline than all the effusive praise coming from everyone else.

  Suddenly Kara gasped aloud and unfolded the small afghan that Caroline had made for her and Rye, letting the box and wrapping fall away. Her gaze flew to her husband's, and together they looked at the melange of pastel colors and laughed.

  "I figured an afghan would always come in handy," Caroline explained.

  "You have no idea," Kara told her meaningfully. "But what made you choose pastels?"

  Caroline shrugged. "I don't know. I just like that particular multicolored thread."

  "I think you must be psychic," Rye teased as he moved to stand next to his wife, his arm slipping around her shoulders. He bent his head to Kara's, and they whispered together a moment before Rye looked up, shrugged and said, "Actually, we've been saving this announcement, but it seems Caroline has given us the perfect opening."

  "Rye, what on earth?" Sarah said curiously.

  Everyone stared at them expectantly. Rye cleared his throat and said through a wide grin, "We're having a baby. Kara's pregnant."

  The room erupted in chaotic joy. Sarah was off her feet in an instant, but Haney was right behind her. Jesse was already up so he beat them both to Rye and Kara, enveloping the two in a bear hug. Even Champ, who evidently hadn't been privy to the information before the announcement, was on his feet and jumping up

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  and down. Only Shoes and Caroline hung back, enjoying the celebration from afar. Shoes got up from his perch on the arm of the sofa and wandered over to stand next to Caroline. She smiled at him, surprised by the tears that suddenly spilled down her cheeks. Hastily, she wiped them away. It was then that Shoes leaned close and said, "The longings of your own heart make you especially sensitive to the needs and joys of others. Eventually it will come back to you."

  There wasn't time to ask him what he meant by that cryptic pronouncement, as he moved away then to add his quiet congratulations to those of the others. Kara looked over at Caroline, the afghan clutched in her arms. "This will be perfect for the baby," she said.

  Caroline smiled. "I'm so glad. I'll make him some booties before you go. I have some leftover yarn."

  "Him!" Sarah exclaimed. "Why not her? I'd like a granddaughter, too, you know."

  Haney snorted. "Naw, it's another boy. Wagners breed boys."

  "You never know," Shoes said solemnly, playing the inscrutable Indian. The beauty of the whole day suddenly overwhelmed Caroline. This laughing, loving, generous family was the embodiment of everything of which she'd ever dreamed. Just being here with them was an untold joy that threatened to destroy her composure and expose het deepest longings. Quickly she turned and slipped away, fleeing down the hall and up the stairs to her very own room tucked beneath the rafters. There she let the teardrops fall and hugged tightly to herself every lovely memory, stowing them away for all time deeply within her heart.

  Jesse eased back down the stairs and crept along the landing, denying the urge to go up and knock on her door and offer her the comfort of his arms. Just as he reached his own doorway, a form shifted away from the shadows and stepped forward. Jesse knew he shouldn't have been surprised that Ryeland had followed him.

  "She okay?" he asked softly. , Having no doubt about whom he spoke, Jesse nodded. "Yeah,

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  I think so. She's not used to all this craziness. She grew up pretty much alone."

  "That's what Mother said. She's really something, though, isn't she?"

  Jesse nodded again and smoothed a hand over the sweater he still wore. Rye had no idea what a wonder Caroline Moncton was, what she had come from, how accomplished she really was, especially for her age. He'd been torn between embarrassment and amazed delight when he'd opened the box containing this sweater. He couldn't imagine the time and expertise it had taken to fashion such a thing, and he knew that it was as good as an announcement to the group at large that she considered him something special. In the end, he could do nothing but marvel and enjoy, but he was worried, too. He was worried for her. He didn't want to see her hurt. He didn't want to be the one who hurt her. But if he didn't manage to get control of their personal situation, it was bound to happen sooner or later. It was with profound relief that he accepted the change of subject which his brother introduced then.

  "Jess, I need to tell you something about the baby."

  A ready smile burst across Jesse's face. He clapped a hand over his brother's shoulder. "That was grand news, Rye. I'm thrilled for you both."

  Rye nodded, smiling to himself. ' 'Thanks. We're real excited, but, um, well, the fact is, the baby's going to be a little 'early,' so to speak."

  Jess beat his smile into submission and folded his arms across his chest, playing the welcome and familiar role of big brother. "You mean Kara was already pregnant when you married her."

  Rye shifted uncomfortably. "We didn't know it at the time, but yeah, she was."

  "That doesn't say much for your self-control, does it?"

  Rye tugged on his earlobe. "What self-control? Hell, where Kara's concerned I don't have any. But you ought to know what that's like yourself."

  Jess instantly flashed on that kiss in his office only days earlier. Rye was so right. If he had any real self-control he'd never have let Caroline climb into his lap and fit herself so perfectly against him. He'd never have... Suddenly something that Rye said

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  pricked Jesse. He jerked out of his reverie, asking sharply, "What?"

>   Rye lifted an open palm. "I said, you know what it's like. You were in love once. You've been married, after all."

  Jesse literally reeled. He put out a hand to steady himself, flattening his palm against the wall. Kay, not Caroline. Rye, naturally, was referring to Jesse's late wife. But Jesse had thought only of Caroline. Appalled with himself, he could find no way to cover his distress. Rye clamped a hand down over his shoulder.

  "Jesse, what is it? What's wrong?"

  Jesse shook his head. "I-It's nothing. I thought you were talking about something else."