Ray of Heart (Ray #5)

by E. L. Todd

  Why was he bringing this up now? Ryker was gone for good. There was no point in talking about him.

  “But when you didn’t tell me when you had dinner with him—”

  “I told you I dropped my phone in the toilet.”

  He held up his hand. “Baby, let me finish. This isn’t easy for me. Just let me talk.”

  “Okay...” I backed off.

  “You didn’t call me, and when I called you, your phone was off. Rex told me you were having dinner with Ryker, and naturally, I freaked out. I walked into that restaurant and saw you two holding hands over candlelight. I saw him kiss your knuckles like you belonged to him. Something inside me died in that moment. I really thought we were over. I thought you were going back to him and it was only a matter of time before you tracked me down and dumped me.”

  Why was he throwing this in my face right now?

  “I’m saying all of this to explain how I felt that night.”

  I still didn’t understand.

  “So, I went out that night and got drunk. And when I say drunk, I mean really drunk. I started off at one bar, and I’m not even sure where I ended up. I was so depressed and angry, and I just wanted to stop feeling like shit...”

  I remained quiet and kept my patience, unsure where this was going.

  “And...” His voice broke, and he closed his eyes, like he couldn’t finish the story. He dragged his hands down his face again, taking a deep breath filled with unbearable pain.

  Now I was scared.

  I was terrified of what he would say.

  I was so scared I wished he would just stop talking.

  “And...I slept with someone.”

  I heard what he said, but I didn’t register the meaning. It was so absurd, so ridiculous, I couldn’t understand it. My heart stopped beating altogether as time slowed down. I didn’t feel any pain at all—I didn’t feel anything.

  “I don’t remember her name. I don’t even remember her face.”

  Fuck, this is real.

  He’s really saying these words.

  This happened.

  It’s true.

  He closed his eyes again and shook his head. “When I came home and saw you, I really thought you were only here to dump me. I thought we were over, Rae. After seeing you with Ryker, I assumed I was old news.”

  I finally took a breath, a painful one that nearly ruptured my diaphragm. Suddenly, I felt sick to my stomach, imagining his lips on someone else’s mouth. I tried to take another breath, but I couldn’t remember how to do it. Everything hurt—so fucking much. I gripped the edge of the table because I felt myself tipping, aiming for the floor. My world was shattering into pieces.

  He opened his eyes, a film of moisture present. “Rae, she didn’t mean anything to me. I hardly even remember it. If I could take it back, I would. I was at my lowest point and made an idiotic mistake.”

  I couldn’t look at him anymore, so I stared at the table. My eyes burned because I wanted to cry, but I wouldn’t allow myself to grieve. I wouldn’t allow myself to do anything. If I let one part of me break down, everything else would follow. The sensation reminded me of the night I saw Ryker with that woman—but it was so much worse. I never anticipated this kind of agony from Zeke. I trusted him so completely, more than my own brother.

  It was a death blow to my heart.

  “Rae,” he whispered. “I know this is hard to take in. I hate myself for what I did. I hate myself for hurting you. I hate all of this...”

  I continued to grip the table like a life raft.

  “But you know I would never do anything like this. You know I’m not a cheater. You know I’m completely devoted to you. It was just one horrific mistake.”

  I couldn’t look at him.

  “Rae, talk to me.”

  I hadn’t said anything up to this point because I couldn’t even breathe. My walls were crashing down around me, and the earth shook beneath my feet. “I just...” Words failed me, and that was all I could get out.

  “Rae, I’m so sorry. From the bottom of my heart.”

  Even though the truth was undeniable, I couldn’t feel any anger. All I felt was heartbreak. “I guess I’m in shock...”

  “I know...”

  After several minutes of silence, I regained my breath and finally straightened in the chair. No matter what I said to myself, I couldn’t change the truth. This really happened. Zeke had slept with someone else, and our relationship would never be the same.

  Everything was different now.

  “Why did you wait so long to tell me?” My voice cracked, and my words came out as a whisper.

  “I...I was dreading it. I was going to tell you the second I walked in the door on that terrible day. Then you said you loved me, that you wanted to marry me and you didn’t want to be with Ryker. It was everything I dreamed about, and I didn’t have the strength to tell you.”

  I finally looked at him, feeling my heart deflate like a balloon. “How could you not trust me?” Moisture flooded my eyes, and I couldn’t stop it. I was losing the battle with my strength and slowly collapsing. “How could you ever think I would do that to you? After everything we’ve been through...”

  “I do trust you, Rae. I just know how you felt about him. I know he was—”

  “And you know how I feel about you.” My voice escaped as a shout, the rage suddenly gripping me when I least expected it. “I sleep with you every night, Zeke. Maybe I never told you I loved you, but it was obvious in everything I did. How could you think I would betray you like that? Not just as my lover but as my best friend? I would never, ever do that to anyone I cared about.”

  His eyes slowly began to mirror mine. “When I saw you holding hands—”

  “That doesn’t mean anything, Zeke. He told me his father died thinking he hated him. He broke down on me. He cried in front of me. I was there for him and took him by the hand like a civil person. Yes, he kissed my knuckles and he probably shouldn’t have. But you should have trusted me.” I shoved my finger into my chest, hurting myself because I was so angry. “You should have trusted the way I felt about you. So don’t you dare blame this on me.”

  “Rae, I saw you talking close together in the hallway at the bar. I saw you two slow dancing together at that charity gala. And then I saw you two holding hands over dinner. I’m sorry, but it looked pretty damn bad. And if the situation were reversed, you wouldn’t put up with that shit. We both know it.”

  I shook my head, my lips pressed tightly together. “I. Trust. You.”

  He closed his eyes and sighed. “If I did all those things with Rochelle and she tried to get me back, you would be upset.”

  “Zeke, I never said you didn’t have the right to be mad at Ryker. I never said you didn’t have the right to be frustrated by the situation. But you had no right to fuck somebody else.” When I said the words, I choked out a sob. “You had no right to turn your back on us. You had no right to stop trusting me...” I covered my mouth with my hand, trying to get myself back to a calm center.

  Zeke watched me, his own tears building up. “I’m not making excuses for what I did. I just want you to understand why I did what I did. We know that never would have happened under any other circumstance. I’m not a cheater. Never have been and never will be. And I’m so madly in love with you that I don’t even want to be with anyone else. Rae, she meant nothing to me. Absolutely nothing.”

  “But she was worth breaking my heart over.”

  He bowed his head and cringed at the insult. “I thought we were over, Rae. I really did.”

  “And if we were, you would have slept with someone that quickly?”

  “I thought you were going to do the same thing with Ryker,” he countered.

  I covered my face with my hands and took a deep breath, steadying the ache in my lungs. My body was growing weaker by the second. It was hard to believe I woke up that morning happily in the arms of the man I adored. “I can’t believe this is happening...”

 
“I know.”

  When I looked back on the lovemaking we did all week, I suddenly felt repulsed. “You kissed her then you kissed me...you fucked her then you fucked me. Jesus Christ.”

  “That’s not how it was, Rae.”

  “Yes, it fucking was. I feel dirty now, disgusting.”

  “I wore a condom.”

  I knocked the plate off the table, and it crashed into pieces on the floor. “That’s not the point, Zeke.”

  Safari didn’t dart for the plate because he sensed something was seriously wrong. He stayed in the living room and didn’t show his face.

  Zeke held my gaze, his eyes still watery. “I was going to tell you. I just needed some time to—”

  “Debate whether or not to do it.”

  “No,” he said coldly. “In fact, Rex tried to convince me at least a hundred times not to say anything at all.”

  “What?” I hissed. My own brother would do that to me?

  “There’s no way you would have found out, Rae. I’ll never see that woman again, and Rex would have taken the secret to his grave. The only reason why I told you is because I love you, and I will always be honest with you—even if it hurts.”

  “How romantic...”

  He took a deep breath, breathing through his pain. “That does count for something, Rae. I couldn’t go on and not tell you. You’re the most important person in the world to me. I will always tell you the truth. You can trust me.”

  “Trust you?” I snapped. “Would you trust me if I slept with Ryker? Even if it was an accident?”

  He shut his mouth, his argument non-existent.

  “If you expect me to appreciate your honesty, I never will.” I shook my head. “I can’t believe this is happening... I can’t believe you slept with someone else.”

  “I know. I wish I could take it back, Rae.”

  “But you can’t.”

  He sighed. “If you did sleep with Ryker then realized it was a mistake and came back to me, I would have forgiven you. I would have taken you back.”

  “Bullshit—”

  “Yes, I would have. As pathetic as it makes me sound, I’m so goddamn in love with you that I’ll do anything to be with you. You’re the love of my life, the woman I’ve always dreamed about. I will do anything and everything to make this work.”

  “And sleeping with someone else fits in how?” I couldn’t control my sarcasm when my anger was the one controlling me.

  “Rae, you know I feel like shit.”

  “And how do you think I feel?” I snapped.

  He bowed his head in shame.

  I looked out the window, unable to hold his gaze any longer. This house used to be a haven, and now it felt like a prison. All the beautiful memories we made here had been wiped away by his betrayal. Just this morning, I wanted to grab all my things and move in, starting a life with him. Now all of that was gone—like it’d had never happened.

  “I know how you feel, Rae.”

  My eyes turned back to him, unable to believe his audacity.

  “That night, I thought you left me for him. I thought you picked him over me. And I’ve never been so low in my life. I’ve never been out of my mind like that. I’ve never gotten that drunk before. It’s like a poison in your stomach that won’t stop spreading. Obviously, I was wrong for feeling that way. But I do understand it.”

  I looked away again.

  “I’m sorry. I wish I could take it back.”

  “But you can’t,” I said quietly. “You never can.”

  Zeke stared at me across the table, still shirtless. He rested his arms on the surface as he leaned forward. “I love you. You know I do.”

  My eyes remained glued to the backyard.

  “Despite what I did, you know that. You know what we have is real. You know what we have is going to last forever. You know what we have is special. It took us so long to come together, so please don’t rip us apart.”

  “You ripped us apart, Zeke.”

  He didn’t react to my venom.

  “I know this is hard. I know you’re angry, as you have every right to be. I know you want space, as you’re entitled to have. But...I know we can work through this. I know we can get past this.”

  “What if I don’t want to get past this?” I turned back to him, feeling my tears double in size.

  His eyes matched mine. “I know you do, Rae. We’re too good to give up on.”

  I looked at the table and felt my tears roll down my cheeks.

  Zeke sniffed and that’s when his tears came loose.

  “I can’t be with you. Not after this.”

  He left his chair and came to my side of the table. He kneeled in front of me, cupping my cheeks and forcing me to look at him. “Rae, we can work through it.”

  “No.” I pushed his arms down and walked away toward the living room so I could finally take a deep breath. “I don’t look at you the same way anymore. You made love to me after her... You tainted us.”

  “Our love is never tainted.” He walked up to me, ready to grab me again.

  “Stop.” I held up my hand and backed into the couch. “Please don’t touch me. Don’t come near me. Please...”

  Zeke listened.

  I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling frozen. It felt like the end of the world, the end of my joy. I thought all the pains in my life were over for good. I’d finally found the person I wanted to share my life with, the one person who chased away my demons. But he ended up hurting me more than everything else combined. “I don’t feel the same way anymore, Zeke. I know you’re sorry, and I know you would take it back if you could, but now every touch feels...wrong. I love you...so much. This hurts more than anything else I’ve ever endured. But I’ll never be able to make love to you and not think about it. I’ll never be able to trust you again. I’ll never...” Now the tears were falling down my face like a waterfall.

  Zeke took a deep breath to steel himself, his wet eyes reflecting the lamp in the living room. “Don’t say that. Take some time.”

  “No...” It didn’t matter how much time had passed. This pain would never go away.

  “I know you’re upset. I understand.”

  “Zeke, we’re done.” I wasn’t saying it just because I was angry. I was saying it because I meant it. Anything else, I could forgive. But not this. I couldn’t be with a man who broke my heart like this. I wasn’t sure how I was even going to survive. “I can’t move on from this. I can’t rebuild a relationship. I can’t trust you.”

  “Rae—”

  “I’m sorry.” I walked away from him, unsure exactly where I was going. “Safari...”

  Safari came down the hallway, rubbing against me because he knew something was wrong.

  “Rae.” Zeke came after me, following me to the door. “Don’t leave like this.” He grabbed my arm and pulled me into his chest.

  “Don’t touch me.” I twisted out of his grasp and gave him a venomous look. “Don’t make me ask you again.”

  Safari took a defensive stance, growling at Zeke. He loved Zeke, but the moment I was threatened, he turned on him to protect me.

  Zeke stepped back and raised both hands. “Rae, let me take you home. Or at least let me call a cab. Or I’ll go and you can stay here.” A few tears escaped his eyes, falling down his cheeks. “Don’t walk out like this.”

  “Trust me, there’s nothing out there that can hurt me more than the way you just did.”

  Chapter Five

  Rae

  I’m not sure how I got back to my apartment.

  I think I walked.

  Maybe I took a cab.

  I don’t know.

  When I walked inside, I immediately went to the couch, the closest piece of furniture I could get to. I collapsed on the cushions, grabbed the blanket hanging over the back, and felt Safari lay beside me.

  After a few breaths, the sobs started.

  I cried.

  I cried harder than I’d ever cried in my life.

  And s
adly, I wished Zeke were there to comfort me. He was the person I turned to for everything, the man I considered to be my best friend. But now he wasn’t there...and he would never be there again.

  Safari whined and licked my face, sensing my sadness just like a human being.

  “I’m sorry... I’m okay.” I scratched him behind the ear. I sniffed and tried to stifle my tears, but I only cried harder.

  Safari moved closer to me and whined again, carrying my pain with me.

  The front door opened. “Rae?” Rex’s terrified voice echoed in the apartment. “Are you here?” He walked down the hallway and checked the bedrooms because he didn’t see me sitting in the dark.

  I didn’t have the energy to tell him I was there.

  He came back, the phone pressed to his ear. “Fuck, she’s not here.” He glanced at the couch then kept walking. Then he did a double take. “No, she is here. She’s on the couch. I didn’t see her.” He breathed a sigh of relief and gripped the back of his head. “I’ll call you later.” He hung up.

  I knew who he was talking to.

  Rex rushed to the couch like I needed emergency intervention. He sat beside me, on the other side of Safari. “Rae...”

  I forced myself to stop crying in front of him. He would see my red and splotchy face and make fun of me for it, like always. He would see my pain and feel it too, because we were connected more than most siblings were. “I’m fine. You can go now.”

  “I’m not leaving.” He sat beside me but didn’t touch me. “I’m sorry...”

  “You should be sorry.” I turned on him, feeling angry at the entire world. “You knew and you tried to convince him not to tell me? What kind of brother are you?”

  He didn’t rise to my anger or seem remotely affected by it. “Because I didn’t want to see this.” He held up his hand and gestured to my tears. “I didn’t want you to go through this...”

  I looked away, ashamed for being angry with him.

  “I know what Zeke did was wrong and painful. But you know he loves you. You know the situation—”

  “Please don’t. I just argued with Zeke for an hour... I don’t feel like doing it again.” I lay down, my head against Safari’s side. I was so grateful that I had found Safari in the street that one afternoon. I took him home and made him a part of my family. Ever since then, he’d been my shoulder to cry on—always. “Please go.”