Ray of Heart (Ray #5)

by E. L. Todd

  “I don’t want to talk about this anymore...” She excused herself from the table and walked into her room, Safari trailing behind her. His collar jingled when he walked, so you could hear him anywhere in the house. She shut her door a moment later, silently asking me to leave.

  Normally, I would take the leftovers back to my place and Kayden and I would devour everything. But now, I didn’t want any of it. I would do anything just to put our lives back to the way they were—the way they belonged.

  ***

  Zeke and I watched the game in his living room, but it didn’t seem like he was really paying attention. A ridiculous foul was made, but he didn’t yell at the TV like he usually would. Ever since the breakup, he’d been a ghost of who he used to be.

  He always asked about Rae, wanting to make sure she was eating enough, exercising, and going to work every day. He still looked after her without her even realizing it. Just like when they were together, she was his priority.

  I hadn’t picked up Rae’s things yet because I couldn’t bring myself to mention it to Zeke. But when Rae asked me again, I knew I had to get it over with. If I didn’t, Rae would come herself, and that would be worse for both of them. “There’s something I want to talk to you about.” I set my beer down because my hands were turning cold.

  “Hmm?” He didn’t take his eyes off the TV even though he wasn’t watching it anyway.

  “Rae asked me to pick up her things.” I closed my eyes as I finished the sentence so I didn’t have to look at his face. But the image in my mind was probably worse than any reaction he could actually give me. When I opened my eyes again, I saw the devastation I’d been prepared to witness.

  But it didn’t make this easier.

  “She asked you to get her things?” When he repeated the question, his voice was weak. He seemed on the verge of tears without watery eyes. His emotions shifted from one place to another dramatically, like he was feeling anguish and indifference at the same time.

  “Yeah. I’m sorry, man.”

  He shook his head. “She sent you to get her things?”

  He repeated the question a second time, so I assumed it was rhetorical.

  “No.” He slammed his beer down. “If she wants her shit, she can come get it.”

  I’d never seen Zeke turn angry over this breakup, but he’d reached a new level of grief. “Don’t be like that, man. She’s not doing it to hurt you.”

  “She’s not hurting me. She’s sticking a knife in my chest and stabbing me in the heart.” He ran his hands over the back of his neck, his head bowed to the floor. “I meant what I said. If she wants her stuff that badly, she can come get it.”

  “Zeke, that isn’t going to get you what you want.”

  “Yes, it will. She’ll have to come here and see the place where we’re gonna grow old together. And when she does, she won’t have the strength to say no to me again.”

  It was just going to make things worse. “She’s not gonna change her mind, and making her walk into a trap won’t help the situation.”

  “It’s not a trap. I know her. It’ll be too hard for her.”

  “Exactly,” I said. “Which is why she asked me to moderate. She’s already going through hell right now. You don’t have to look at her every day.”

  “I wish I got to look at her every day.”

  I’d never seen Zeke act so spiteful. “I know you’re upset, and I understand that. But don’t do something stupid and push her further away. That’s not gonna help you out in the long run.”

  He leaned back into the couch and stared at me with dead eyes. “I can’t let her take her things because...” He didn’t finish the sentence because the words weren’t necessary.

  I knew what he was going to say. “Then it’ll really be over.”

  “Yeah...”

  “But whether her stuff is here or not, it is over. I hate to say it, but it’s true.”

  He shook his head. “She and I are never over. I don’t know how, but I’m gonna fix this. I’m gonna get us back together. I’m gonna marry her...I promise you.”

  I admired his commitment but it also made me pity him. “So, let me get her things. You can keep working on your plan to fix the two of you. But holding her stuff hostage isn’t going to help your cause. It’s just gonna push her away.”

  He sighed. “I don’t think I can push her away more than I already have.”

  I stared at my beer because I couldn’t look at him anymore. This wasn’t the best friend I was used to seeing. I couldn’t remember the last time the guy laughed. He’d been this way for so long I couldn’t remember any of the good times.

  “I’ll pack up her things, but I’m not going to do it right now. I need some time.”

  “How much time?”

  “I don’t know...at least a week.”

  “Does my sister have a lot of crap?” I asked.

  “No...I just can’t bring myself to do it. You wouldn’t understand.”

  He was right. I wouldn’t understand. And I was so grateful that was true.

  ***

  When Rae heard me walk inside, she left the couch and met me by the door. She realized I was empty-handed, and the disappointment flooded her features. “What happened?” She crossed her arms over her chest, her hair a mess in the bun she wore.

  “He needs more time.”

  “More time to what?” she whispered. “Most of my clothes are there. He has my makeup, my clothes, shoes, everything. I’ve made it without those things for three weeks, but I can’t keep washing the same stuff every day.”

  “I get it.”

  “Then...what’s the hold up?”

  “He said he needs a week to pack up your things.”

  “But it won’t take a week.” She shifted her weight to one leg, her shirt baggy on her slender frame. “He can just throw everything into a box.”

  She didn’t get it. “It’s hard for him to let your things go, Rae. He’s just not ready to take that step.”

  Her eyes softened then filled with moisture.

  “So, just give him some more time.”

  “I’m sorry, but I need my things. I know this is hard, but we’ve got to move forward. He can keep some stuff until he’s ready to give it up. But for now, I can’t keep living like this. I need jeans and sweaters. I don’t want to buy all that stuff again.”

  I didn’t know what to do. I understood Zeke’s request, but I also understood hers. “I’m sure Kayden and Jessie can let you borrow some stuff until he’s ready.”

  “He’s the one who ruined this relationship, but I’m the one who has to take hand-me-downs because he’s not ready?” Fire burned in her eyes, along with insufferable pain. “That doesn’t sound fair to me.”

  “I know but—”

  “Then I’ll just go down there and get it myself.” She grabbed her only sweater hanging by the door and her purse.

  “Whoa, I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I blocked the door so she couldn’t get out.

  “I’ve given you a whole week to retrieve my things, but you failed, Rex. I’m a big girl and can take care of it. So, get out of my way before I make you get out of my way.” Her attitude was emerging in full force, but she was depressed at the same time. The conflicting emotions made her difficult to handle.

  I finally stepped out of the way, not wanting to test her emotions. She was a time-bomb about to go off, and I didn’t want to give her another reason to be upset.

  She walked out and shut the door behind her, leaving me alone with Safari. She didn’t bother locking the door on her way out.

  I pulled out my phone and called Zeke.

  When he answered, he greeted me with his silence.

  “Rae is on her way. She wants her stuff.”

  The only response I got was the line going dead.

  Chapter Nine

  Rae

  I stood on his doorstep for nearly ten minutes because I couldn’t bring myself to knock. It was just too hard to return to th
e place I considered to be my home. It was overcast, but there wasn’t a hint of rain falling from the sky. His front yard was manicured perfectly, and it smelled like pine cones.

  Too much of a coward, I didn’t knock on the door at all. I considered turning around and just going home, unable to see the look on his face when I packed my things and walked out.

  But he opened the door, all the emotions I felt deep inside plastered onto his once handsome face. He leaned against the door as he stared at me, looking weak. He used to be so strong in my eyes, a powerful man with a body comprised of nothing but lean muscle. But now, he just looked hollow.

  I didn’t step inside, not because I wasn’t invited, but because I didn’t have the strength to do it.

  He stared me down, desperate to hold me and ask me to stay with him. He didn’t need to say the words to make it obvious what he was thinking. He bowed his head and looked at the floor as we stood together.

  I steeled my nerve and finally walked inside, hearing my shoes tap against the hardwood floor. The sound was familiar because I was used to hearing it every single day that I stayed with him.

  He shut the door behind me then stood against the wall, his hands moving into the pockets of his jeans. He wore a gray t-shirt, not filling it out as well as he used to. He had obviously stopped eating and hitting the gym. His blue eyes were no longer magical, but screens that displayed his sorrow.

  When I tried to speak, nothing came out. My voice cracked, so I cleared my throat. “I just need to get my things. I’m running out of clothes and stuff.” I didn’t make eye contact with him because it was just too hard. “You can leave if it makes things easier.”

  He raised his head and looked me in the eyes, misery etched into his features. “Baby, nothing is going to make this easier.”

  When he called me baby, I wanted to cry. I missed hearing him call me that every single day, especially when we made love in his enormous bed. I would miss the way his eyes locked with mine when he said the endearment. “Well, I guess I’ll get started. Where is everything?”

  His eyes didn’t water anymore, but he still seemed utterly heartbroken. “Exactly where you left it.”

  I walked down the hallway and turned my back on him, not wanting to see his expression any longer. His bedroom was exactly how I remembered. It smelled the same too. The bed was made— a weird habit he’d had ever since I could remember. He couldn’t leave for work unless the sheets were tucked in and the pillows were arranged. It was something his mother had made him do every day since he was five.

  I grabbed a bag and opened my drawer in his dresser, seeing the panties and socks I put on every morning before I went to work.

  Zeke followed me and stood in the doorway, his hands in his pockets.

  “You’re going to watch me?” I whispered.

  “It hurts. But I’d rather be with you than not be with you.”

  I closed my eyes and stopped myself from crying. Stopping the sob fest before it started, I grabbed a handful of clothing and tossed it into the bag. I didn’t sort anything because it was pointless. Everything piled on top of each other, weighing down the plastic bag.

  Zeke continued to stand there.

  I set the bag on top of the bed and entered his walk-in closet. My jeans and shirts were still hanging on my side of the closet, exactly where I left them. His work scrubs and other clothes hung from the opposite side, smelling just like him.

  This was even harder than I thought it was going to be.

  I took a few tops from the hangers and walked back to the bed. I shoved them inside the bag, letting them wrinkle on top of my socks.

  That’s when his arms wrapped across my stomach and chest. He pressed his lips against my ear and breathed quietly, his grip hard like steel.

  I knew what was going to happen next. “Zeke, no.”

  He pressed a kiss to my neck, wet and soft. His lips traveled along my shoulders, and he unzipped the front of my sweater as he moved, doing two things at once.

  “No...” I shouldn’t have come here alone, in this bedroom where we made love for the first time.

  He pulled my sweater down my arms then turned me around to face him. “Yes.” He cupped my face and kissed me with more passion than he ever had before. His lips devoured mine like they belonged to him once again.

  I didn’t think about the other woman.

  I didn’t think about what he had done.

  It felt like us again—just the two of us.

  My body made its own decisions, and my mouth moved with his, feeling the lips I ached to touch. His tongue danced with mine, familiar and passionate. My hands moved up his chest until I felt his strong shoulders. I was falling into oblivion, feeling good for the first time in weeks.

  Zeke grabbed the back of his shirt and pulled it over his head, revealing his chiseled physique. His body was tight and strong like before, just more slender by a few inches. He kissed me again, undoing his jeans and letting them fall to his ankles.

  This was a bad idea, but it felt so good I didn’t care. My fingers dug into his hair, and I kissed him harder, just wanting to a moment of happiness. I wanted this pain to go away, to feel something besides agony.

  He grabbed my top and pulled it over my head, his hand unclasping my bra immediately afterward. He got my jeans undone then laid me on the bed, kissing me as he moved on top of me. His hand yanked my shoes off and pulled down my jeans, getting me undressed as quickly as possible.

  More clothes were removed, and we were wrapped together, naked and desperate. His cock lay against my stomach, and he kissed me harder than before, his passion more intense than it’d ever been.

  He placed his tip at my entrance and sunk into me, his tongue brushing against mine.

  I knew I would feel nothing but bliss for the next twenty minutes. I knew my heart would stop aching and everything would feel good again. Zeke and I would be together, doing what we did best. It would feel like a moment from the past, like reliving a favorite memory.

  But when the moment was over, I knew I would feel so much worse.

  I would have to start over.

  I would have to distance myself all over again.

  Every time I tried to sleep, I would think about this night.

  It was only going to hurt both of us.

  “No.” I grabbed his shoulders and pushed him back.

  “Rae.” He pressed his face to mine and didn’t pull out. “I love you.”

  “I love you too.” My response was automatic, my lips doing the thinking. For a second, I gave in again. “But stop.”

  Zeke clearly didn’t want to stop. He wanted to keep going, seducing me until I was so overcome with pleasure that I gave into the desperation we both felt. But he did what I asked and got off me, pulling the buried inches of his cock out. He sat on the edge of the bed and leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

  I wanted to cry, but thankfully, I didn’t.

  I got my clothes on and didn’t look at him. The bag was on the floor where it fell, so I grabbed it and returned to the closet, yanking everything off the hangers and shoving it inside the bag. Once it was full of all my possessions, I walked back into his bedroom.

  He was dressed, looking more miserable than before.

  I had to get out of there.

  I walked to the other side of the house, heading for the front door. The walls were closing in and my strength was waning. It would be so easy for me to stay and never leave. But I knew I would regret it later.

  I had to keep going.

  Zeke followed me, his lips red from kissing me so hard.

  I didn’t walk out the door even though there was nothing keeping me there.

  “Rae, don’t leave like this.”

  “Leave like what?” I held the bag with both hands, ignoring how heavy it was.

  “Let me drive you home, at least.”

  “I can get an Uber.” I didn’t want him in my apartment. We would just repeat our make out session again.<
br />
  He kept his arms by his sides but stepped closer to me. There were only a few feet between us, a dangerous proximity. “You kiss me like you can’t live without me. You touch me like you love me. You get lost with me instantly...”

  The tears were starting up again.

  “Please let us work this out, Rae. We have so much to fight for. We can’t give up.”

  They came loose, streaking down my cheeks. “You know I love you, Zeke. You know I love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone in my life. But...I just can’t get over it. I’m sorry. I would never trust you again...”

  “Yes, you can.” He pushed the bag on the ground and grabbed my hands, holding them against his chest. “You know I would never even look at another woman. What happened between us was a difficult situation, and you know that.”

  “But what about when we have another fight?” I whispered through my tears. “What about when you get jealous over someone else?”

  “Rae, it won’t happen again. Ryker is gone, so there’s no way it could happen again.”

  I pulled my hand away so I could wipe away my tears.

  “Can you really picture yourself with someone else?”

  “No.” I couldn’t picture my wedding day or my children—not anymore. “Not right now, at least.”

  “I can’t picture myself with anyone else either. Whoever I do marry will never compare to what I have with you. We’re both choosing a life of less happiness. It doesn’t make any sense, Rae.”

  “I know it doesn’t...”

  “Then let’s work this out. We can go see a counselor. We can take baby steps. Whatever you need. I’m willing to do anything, you know that.”

  “I know...but it’s not about counseling or taking things slow. It’s about...not feeling the same way.” I loved him just as much as before, but the connection I once felt was gone. He wasn’t high on a pedestal anymore. Now he was on a much lower level, in a danger zone that I couldn’t come close to—at least without getting hurt. I pulled my hand away and picked up the bag again. “Zeke, I’m sorry. Everything has changed, and it can’t go back to the way it was. I just can’t.”