by Karen Booth
“I don’t want to.” Alex nuzzled his neck and the stubble that was oddly comforting.
“Then why are you?”
“Because it’s what the boys want and a lot has happened and you’re stuck dealing with the fall-out. I think everyone will be better off in the long run if I give you some time to think.”
“I can think just fine with you around.” He trailed his fingers through her hair, creating tingles that spread over her body.
She eased back but didn’t let go, craving closeness even when her brain was telling her she needed to give him his space. “Your entire career got turned upside down less than forty-eight hours ago. I feel responsible for that. If you’re going to find a way to sort all of this out, you don’t need me around clouding your judgment or weighing in on things that have nothing to do with me.”
His face steeled with determination. “After yesterday, I’m not sure I care what happens with the band. I should just quit.”
“No, you can’t say that.” She gripped his forearms, matching the force of what he’d just said to her. “Don’t do that. This is all too fresh. You have zero perspective. Maybe some time away from the band and me will help you see what you really want.”
“I know what I want. I want you.”
“You have to promise me you won’t quit.” She made a point of making eye contact. “You were meant to write music and perform it. You’re too good at it to quit. I can’t imagine the void it would leave in your life if you didn’t have that anymore.”
“The void without you is worse.”
Her heart felt as if it weighed hundreds of pounds. “Don’t think of my leaving as creating a void.” Her lips pressed into a thin line, to help hold back the tears that were collecting. “Look. If anything is going to happen between us, it needs to happen for the right reasons, the right way. I spent years staying with Glenn for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to mess this up the second time. The boys want to go home. I need to be a good mom and try to help them feel stable. And you need some time to figure out if you can deal with all of the shit that Glenn is throwing at you right now.”
Hours later, David helped Alex load the final boxes into her car. “I officially hate doing this, just so you know.”
“Nobody likes to move.” Alex fished her car keys from her pocket.
“Not what I meant.”
“I know.”
David stepped closer, his hand brushing the underside of her forearm as he gently pressed her against the car. “You know what I can’t stop thinking about?”
“A lot of things I’m guessing,” she said, committing the warmth in his eyes to memory.
He revealed the most bittersweet smile she’d ever seen. “I just wish we’d had the chance to do this the right way. Do us the right way.”
Alex furrowed her brow.
“You know, I ask you out for a date.” He took her hand and pressed his lips to her knuckles. “You say ‘yes’. We make out in my car. Stuff like that.”
She smiled while visions of what her life might have been like flashed before her—David, kids, the lonely moments filled with something that could’ve been so much better.
“That sounds nice, but sometimes things don’t happen the way we want them to.”
“Don’t remind me. I just…” He cast his eyes down at their joined hands as his thumb rubbed her fingers.
“What?”
“Sometimes I wish we could go back to the beginning.”
Chapter Forty-Eight
David lay in bed feeling suffocated by the weight of the one thing he couldn’t get used to—the quiet. On any other morning, the house would be bustling. Tyler could never sleep in, even on school days, and merely getting a glass of juice was a major and noisy production. In the afternoons there was homework, in the evening there was dinnertime and the pool, producing sounds he’d never really noticed until they were gone—the sounds of everyday life when you have a family, when you have everything you ever wanted.
It had taken forty-eight hours away from Alex to convince him of one thing. He had to make a change. He threw back the duvet, bounded out of bed and made a quick pot of coffee. Striding down the hall to his office, he was emboldened. The weight was already lightening.
It was early for Marty to be at work. Ten a.m. was more his speed, but David decided he didn’t really care anymore. A few hours wouldn’t make that big of a difference and a call at home was more personal anyway. Surely Marty would appreciate knowing sooner rather than later.
He got voicemail on the first try. “Marty. It’s David. I need to speak with you as soon as possible. It’s important.”
He spent ten minutes writing down some notes about a new song idea. Impatient once that was done, he pressed Marty’s number on speed dial again.
“Jesus, David,” Marty croaked. “What time is it?”
“6:58. Are you still asleep?”
“What do you think? Yes, I’m still fucking asleep. I don’t get up until eight.”
“I thought old people were always up at the crack of dawn.”
“First off, thanks a lot for that. Secondly, can you wait a minute? I need to take a leak.”
“Go for it. I’ll be here.” He skimmed his notes and scribbled a lyric that came to mind.
“I’m back. This better be either really good or really bad. And please don’t tell me Glenn is dead. I can’t deal with that kind of shit today.”
David grinned, flipping the pen over in his hands several times. “Glenn’s still alive and kicking as far as I know. Now, the good-news-bad-news part of it, I’m not totally sure how you’re going to feel about that.”
“Please. The suspense is killing me.”
He cleared his throat. “I’m quitting the band.” There was no response, but David knew better than to ask if Marty was still on the line. Still, the silence made him antsy. “Effective immediately. I wrote down some ideas for my replacement for the tour.”
“No. Sorry. This is not happening.”
David sat up straighter in his office chair, his spine tightening. “Uh, yeah, it is. I spent the last two days thinking about nothing else but this. It’s time to move on.”
“Nope. Time for me to go have a cup of coffee and read the newspaper. You are not quitting the band.”
“Marty, come on.” David tossed his pen across the desk in frustration. “Listen to me. This is the perfect solution. Glenn won’t have to deal with me, you can hire some hot shit young kid who’ll drive the girls crazy. Pay him crap because he’ll be happy to have the opportunity, and suddenly everybody’s making more money and I have my life.”
“The band is your life.”
“Not anymore.” He stopped short of pounding his fist on the desk to underscore just how badly he meant it.
“Nope. Sorry. I am not accepting your resignation. This ship doesn’t sail without you and you know that. You’re the real songwriter. You’re the glue. Even with everything that you did to fuck this up, we still need you. I just need to convince Glenn of that.”
“But I’m not the glue anymore. Everybody’s got their own agenda, and I’m holding everybody else back. Most importantly, it doesn’t make me happy anymore.”
“That’s not true either. These first shows have been some of the best you have ever played. I saw it with my own two eyes. You were on fire and you loved every goddamned minute of it.”
David grumbled and rubbed his forehead. “I quit. That’s it. Final decision.”
“And I say no. I’m going to convince Glenn to grow a pair and get over this Alex situation, and you’re going to get on that bus in a week. Then everybody’s going to be happy and get paid and I’m not going to get any more ridiculous six a.m. wake-up calls from you.”
“Sorry, Marty. I quit.”
“Sorry, David. Not gonna happen. I’ll talk to you later. I’ve got shit to do today.”
The line went dead.
“Fuck,” David yelled to an empty office. He turned in his c
hair and stopped with a pound of his fist on the desk. “Fine. Marty wants to be like that, he can just be like that. I’m not getting on that damn tour bus. I don’t care what he says. He can’t make me do it.” He shut his eyes and slumped back in his chair. I sound like a twelve-year-old.
He’d tried to keep from calling Alex in order to convince her he was taking time and clearing his head. That wasn’t a realistic long-term strategy. “At least she’s up at seven-thirty,” he muttered and pressed Alex’s number on the speed dial.
“Hey,” she said. “You’re up early.”
Her voice was like a life preserver. “I am. I’ve had a lot on my mind.”
“Good. This time was supposed to be for you to think. I’m glad you’re doing that.”
“Can I see you tonight?”
“I would love to see you, but I don’t want to cloud your judgment.”
David laughed under his breath. “Alex, I want nothing more than for you to cloud my judgment. Plus, I have something I really need to tell you.”
Chapter Forty-Nine
As much as she craved a few hours of escape, Alex couldn’t sleep. Her evening with David had been such a roller coaster it was no surprise her brain simply wouldn’t shut off. The announcement he’d quit the band, or at least tried to quit the band, left her with a sour stomach. Looking at the evidence as he’d presented it, it all made perfect sense, but she hated the idea of him leaving behind the thing he was meant to do, all because of her.
After myriad failed sleeping positions, she rolled out of bed and slinked down the hall past the boys’ rooms and downstairs to the kitchen. She filled the teakettle and turned on the burner before opening her laptop.
In her email sat a message from David, sent after two a.m., hours after he’d dropped her back at the house.
Alex,
Humor me on this one. Love you.
Dear Alex,
It was so cool to hang out with you at lunch today. I’m sure it’s hard going to a new school and trying to make friends. I hope I wasn’t talking too much. I wanted to tell you how pretty you look in that pink sweater, but I thought that might be weird since we just met. Well, you do. It makes your eyes hypnotizing. I hope your geometry test went well this afternoon, especially since you said that math isn’t your favorite subject.
I was wondering if you would like to go to the movies with me this Saturday night. I will have to ask my mom if I can use the car, but I’m pretty sure she will say yes. You can pick the movie, because I don’t really care what we see. We could hang out at my house and listen to music if you don’t want to go to the movies or if I can’t get the car. Whatever you want. I just want to be with you.
David
Her chest fluttered as she smiled at the screen. The teakettle whistled and rattled on the stove, but she read his email again before popping up from her seat and turning off the burner. Steam spiraled and soothing chamomile teased her nose as she filled her mug. The bluish light of her laptop shone through the kitchen. She sat back down to write her response.
Is this what you meant by going back to the beginning? I’m too happy to indulge you. Love you too.
Dear David,
I think you are incredibly sweet. I would love to go to the movies with you. I haven’t been in forever. My family doesn’t get to go very much. My only possible conflict is that I might have to work on Friday. Did I tell you I got a job at Dairy Queen? It’s lame, but if you come by and say hi, I can make you whatever you want if my manager isn’t there. Maybe you didn’t know that I have an old Mustang. It’s a beater, but it usually works. We could take that to the movies. I will even let you drive. Whatever you want. I just want to be with you too.
xo Alex
With that, she closed her computer and wrapped her hands around the mug of warm tea, the only physical comfort she’d had in days. If only she and David were living under the same roof again.
This house no longer felt like where she belonged, it was more a place to exist. The rooms and halls overflowed with memories. The big memories, Christmases and birthdays, were mostly happy. The little memories wore her down—the moments when Glenn dismissed her, the times when he’d lied and she’d known it but ignored it. Those invisible forces inside this house eroded the sense of self she’d regained while staying with David.
****
Morning brought the physical manifestation of her unhappiness—Glenn. He showed up unannounced soon after she’d returned home from dropping the boys at school.
“I came by to ask you something.” He took survey of the foyer. “Looks like they did a nice job cleaning up. Did you check on everything after they left?”
“Yes, the house is fine. Tyler’s room is back to normal. No more pink, although Tyler found a spot they missed in one corner. He’s dead-set on having that fixed right away.” Alex considered askingGlenn if he could finally admit renting the house to the studio hadn’t been the travesty he’d painted it to be. “You wanted to ask me something?”
“I know we’re still working out the logistics of the house, but I’d like to move into the guesthouse if that’s cool with you.” He absentmindedly picked at his fingernail as if he’d merely asked if she wanted to watch TV.
Her stomach rolled. “Why would you want to do that? Not enjoying the condo you bought for your mistress?”
“Jesus, Alex. I never should’ve told you that. You’re like an elephant. You never forget anything, do you?”
“Nope. I don’t.”
“I want to be closer to the boys and I’m not going to be around that much anyway.”
She tried to recall everything they tell you to do in yoga class to center yourself. No yoga master in his or her right mind had a working solution for the stress of being around Glenn. “I don’t really have a choice unless I want to get the lawyers involved, do I?”
“Not really.”
“Whatever. But we’re going to need to establish some ground rules. And this is temporary, right?”
“Yes. Coffee on?” he asked, sauntering into the kitchen.
Alex couldn’t help but be irked by Glenn’s level of comfort in the house, even when she knew it was ridiculous. It was their house. They’d lived there together for years.
“I thought you were only doing tea these days.” She trailed him into the kitchen.
He pulled a mug from the cabinet and poured himself a cup. “Tea isn’t cutting it. I need caffeine. There’s way too much shit going on right now.”
Do I dare ask? Things can’t get worse. “How is everyone taking the news about David? Have you guys decided what you’re going to do?”
“What news? That he quit? That’s not news. He’ll be back.”
“How can you be so sure?” The question dredged up her entire jumble of mixed emotions over the subject. “He seemed determined when I talked to him about it.”
“No offense, darling, but he’s probably just telling you what you want to hear.”
David would never do that. “Don’t call me darling. That’s so condescending.”
He laughed and leaned against the counter. “I forget how much fun it is to make you mad.” Glenn winked, which created a stabbing sensation in her chest. “Listen, I know David better than anyone. He isn’t serious. He’s just trying to stand up to me. It’s my job to call his bluff. I don’t think he can bring himself to step out of the spotlight.”
“You realize I’m going to tell him everything you just said.”
“Makes no difference. He may have a thing for you, but in the end, it will come down to his ego and his career. It always does.”
Alex crossed her arms and looked at the wood floor. She couldn’t envision David going back on his decision, but she also knew how important his music was to him. She’d devoted a lot of time and energy into reminding him of it. Is it really that simple? Ego and career win out over love?
“Alex, think about it. David can have any woman he wants. I think he just had you stuck in his head because you wer
e the one he couldn’t have. He had his chance and he took it.”
It felt like more than that. “Maybe he’s moved beyond acting like that.”
“Not likely. His dick will get restless and he’ll realize he’s being an idiot. I’m not saying this to be cruel. I just don’t think you should count on him for much of anything.”
Her eyes narrowed. So much of her life would’ve been different if she’d had the balls to dump Glenn years ago. “Do you want him in the band or not? Because it sounds like you do.”
“Do I want David Callahan, kick-ass guitarist and killer songwriter, in my band? Of course I do. Do I want the trusted friend who slept with my wife? No, not at all. Which is exactly why this has to happen on my terms. As long as we have our boundaries, I think David and I can work together.”
“Why aren’t you blaming me for any of this? I’m just as guilty as he is.”
He shook his head. “No. I know why you did what you did. You were trying to get back at me. I figure you were entitled to get your revenge.”
She dug her fingernails into the heels of her hands. “It wasn’t about revenge. You need to cut him some slack and stop acting like a prima donna. You have the power to fix all of this, you know. All of it.” It was a mistake to admit Glenn influenced everyone’s happiness. He didn’t need encouragement.
“You sound like Marty. It’s the principle. I will never forgive David for what he did. It’s okay. I think I’m doing a pretty good job of making him pay for it.”
“We aren’t going to be married any more in a week. We were already getting a divorce. Why do you even care?”
“I care because David and I have been best friends since we were kids and he did the one thing that guys don’t do to each other. He tried to take my girl.”
“I may be a lot of things, but I am not your girl.” Alex groaned. “You know what? You’re always telling me to let things go. You need to let this go.”
Chapter Fifty
Alex,
