Car Pool

by Karin Kallmaker

  you the truth, I need a nap.” Shay settled intothe

  corner and pulled Anthea against her.

  Anthea showed her badge to the guard at the gate … not the regular guy who would have let her go in with a wave. She felt her heart rate go up as she allowed herself to recognize that what they were doing was expressly against company policy. I could get fired for this. Entering the premises when not scheduled to work was a “serious” offense. Shay leaned over so the guard could see her badge too.

  “I left some baseball tickets in my desk,” Anthea said. “At least I think so.”

  Shay said, “I still say they’re in my desk. We’re going to have to drive all the way out to the field trailers.”

  The guard raised the barrier with a toothy smile. “I hope you ladies don’t have to spend your night crawling all over this place.”

  Anthea smiled back and drove slowly ahead.

  “He didn’t make us sign in,” Shay said in a whisper.

  Anthea smirked. “Show enough cleavage and you can go anywhere.” She glanced down at her light cotton shirt left unbuttoned over a low cut tank top she’d pulled even lower.

  “Will you pull that back up, please? I honestly didn’t think it would work.”

  “You can’t overestimate a man’s ability to underestimate a woman with boobs,” Anthea said. “I

  think Marilyn Monroe or Mae West said that. Or Madonna.” Anthea steered them into the empty parking lot right next to the Executive Building.

  “Why are we stopping here?”

  “Because we’re in sight of the Guard station. We’ll have to go in.” Anthea could feel time ticking away. Would the guard wonder what had kept them? Would he call ahead to other gates asking if they’d left?

  She unlocked the main door and Shay followed her inside. Without thinking she summoned the elevator.

  “Where are we going?” Shay sounded as impatient as Anthea felt.

  “Just killing some time.”

  “Oh, yeah?” The elevator doors closed and Shay reached over to trace the rim of Anthea’s tank top. “I can think of a way or two.”

  Anthea pushed Shay’s hand away. “Stop that, not here. We’ve got business to attend to.” But she could feel herself smiling. Shay planted a kiss right in Anthea’s cleavage. “Oh, fie,” she whispered. “How can I resist such wiles?”

  Shay let her go as the elevator stopped. The doors opened and Anthea pressed for the ground floor.

  As the doors closed again, Anthea said, “Now, where were you?”

  Anthea had retucked her shirt by the time they returned to the car and she drove with deliberate care out to Shay’s work site. Shay let them in and

  rounded up two Tyvek suits and breathers. When Anthea saw the truck they were heading for she said, “At least this time I’m appropriately attired.”

  “I must say you’re the hottest thing in a Tyvek suit I’ve ever seen.”

  “Stop joking,” Anthea said. “Right about now this seems like a lot more than a fraternity prank.”

  “What’s the worst that can happen?” Shay unlocked the truck and Anthea scrambled into the passenger seat.

  “Oh, they can fire us. You’re resigned to that and I guess I’d get over it.” Anthea couldn’t believe what she was saying. A few months ago she would have said her job was her whole identity. “But we’re about to remove something that belongs to the company. They could call the cops.” Her mind wrote the headline: LESBIANS CAUGHT STEALING FROM CORPORATE GIANT.

  “I’d say two ounces of dirt is petty at most.”

  Anthea realized her hands had started shaking. “And a sample bottle. I guess it’s not grand theft.” No, it’s not. Get over it.

  “Hey,” Shay said. “If you’re having second thoughts, let’s not do it.”

  Anthea shook her head. “No. It has to be done. I can handle it.”

  Anthea listened carefully while Shay explained the procedures. The sun was dropping behind the foothills between the bay and the ocean. The pipe fields reflected in orange… it was almost like modern sculpture. As the gloom deepened, some vapor lights snapped on and erased the illusion of art. She could plainly see the grimy metal and barren soil.

  “Mask,” Shay said. She stopped the truck long enough to pull her breather over her face and ensure that Anthea’s was also fitted properly. Anthea’s stomach did a slow roll as they passed a sign reading, “Restricted Area — Hazardous Substances.”

  In the mixed natural and artificial light it seemed unreal to watch Shay standing out on the edge of a thin plank of wood. Anthea waited with the cooler and nervously looked around. No place to run to, nowhere to hide. She hummed the tune under her breath to pass the waiting time, then sighed with relief as Shay got to her feet. She sealed the vial, labeled it with an indelible marker, then handed it to Anthea, who dropped it into a Mason jar, snapped the lip closed and put the whole thing in her small cooler. She followed Shay back to the truck, then mimicked her motions at the decontamination stop.

  Her heart was pounding. She knew she’d just done something that had changed her life, an act she would have been incapable of a short time ago. Ever since Lois had left, her certainties had come unraveled. She’d thought she’d go back to being the Anthea she was before Lois. It hadn’t worked out that way.

  She wanted to tell Shay to stop the truck. She wanted to feel Shay’s fingers in her, she wanted to bite Shay’s nipples. As if they were live wired, Shay would quiver in response. Maybe this is an automobile fetish I’m developing. She told herself to get a grip. Now was not the time.

  She had thought that discovering her lesbianism

  was the biggest change she’d ever go through in her life. Who would have thought she’d have had to wait until her mid-thirties to discover that she was… could be … passionate. She’d spent years of her life confusing self-control, and self-denial, with purpose.

  She followed Shay back into the field trailer. The changes in her life weren’t Shay’s doing, they were hers and hers alone.

  Shay tossed the used suits and breathers into the decontamination bin. She went back to her cube for her fanny pack while Anthea went to the ladies room. She walked toward the bathrooms as she snapped the strap around her waist. Glancing up she saw Anthea opening the door directly ahead. And then someone stepped out of the side hallway between them.

  Shay’s heart stopped. She felt herself flush with guilt. “Scott, you scared the shit out of me.”

  “What the hell are you doing here?” Shay decided he didn’t sound hostile, just confused.

  “I left tickets to the A’s game in my desk.” She saw Anthea hesitating in the bathroom doorway. “We had to drive all the way down here to get them and we’ve missed half the game. But there’s a great fireworks exhibition.”

  “Oh —”

  “Sorry I took so long,” Anthea said. Shay took guilty pleasure in watching Scott jump. “You know what Prince Charles says, never pass a bathroom.” Anthea held out her hand to Scott as if their

  meeting was an everyday business occurrence. “Hi,” she said, her voice dripping with charm and good humor, “Anthea Rossignole from costing.”

  Shay remembered that charm from that safety meeting where they’d first met. It seemed ages ago when she had disliked Anthea for this very same ability to turn on the charm. It was certainly useful now.

  “Oh, that’s right. I knew I recognized you.” Scott slowly looked Anthea up and down and Shay saw her flush slightly.

  “Well,” Anthea said brightly. “Let’s get to the game. The beer’s not getting any colder.” She swung the cooler she carried.

  God, she was calm, Shay thought. “Yeah, let’s go,” she said. “See you on Tuesday, Scott.”

  “You two ladies have a great evening.”

  “What the hell was he doing there?” Anthea kept her tone to a whisper even though they were back in the car.

  “I don’t know. If he’d been five minutes earlier he’d have seen the suits.”r />
  Anthea’s flush had deepened. “He looked at me like he couldn’t figure out why… what my excuse was.”

  “Excuse?” Shay was confused.

  “Excuse for being a sexual deviant.”

  “You’re imagining things.”

  “No, I’m not,” Anthea said. Her voice sounded as if her throat were constricted. “I’ve been stared at. That wasn’t just ‘hey, honey, I got what you want.’ That look said, “one night with me could make you forget her.’” Anthea pursed her lips. “It’s been a long time since I’ve received one. Which way?”

  Shay said, “Left, then right.” They waited for a hauling truck to amble across the intersection, heading toward the heavy vehicle garage. Shay stared after it for a moment, then cleared her throat. “Does it bother you so much? The way he looked at you?”

  “Yes. It bothers me a lot. But… the old Anthea would have felt guilty.”

  Shay gently touched Anthea’s shoulder. “And the new Anthea?”

  Anthea took a deep, shaky breath. “The new Anthea is pissed. The new Anthea would like to … to do something that makes him sorry. I was going to say punch his lights out, but that would violate my nonviolence policy.”

  Shay laughed. “So when do I meet this new Anthea?” She leaned over with Anthea to wave at the guard. He raised the barrier and returned their wave.

  “You had sex with her in her kitchen.”

  “Oh, so that’s the new Anthea. I liked her a lot.” The refinery was fading behind them and Shay felt lightheaded. “Oh, God. I can’t believe we pulled it off. I feel like Thelma and Louise.”

  “Neither can I,” Anthea said. “It makes me feel… .”

  “What?”

  Anthea glanced over at Shay, her lips slightly parted, eyes shining. “Like I… like I want to… .”

  Shay stroked Anthea’s hand. “Take me to your place.”

  Anthea looked over at her. “You want to?”

  “God, Andy. I want —” Shay licked her lips. Her throat was suddenly parched.

  “Want what?” Anthea’s voice was a whispering caress.

  “I want tonight to make the last two days look like amateur practice. Next time you touch me I want you to do it for hours.”

  9 Dead End

  Shay could feel Harold staring at her — he’d been doing it all morning. She found herself repeatedly fighting a blush. How could he possibly know, she asked herself. He nonchalantly suggested they have lunch together and it wasn’t until they were facing each other across the cafeteria table that he said something.

  “So?”

  “So what?” Shay took a bite of her peanut butter

  and jelly and thought longingly of the crepes Anthea had dished out for lunch the day before, and the hot dogs and nachos they had eaten after Anthea treated them to the July 4th baseball game. Just so they could honestly both say they’d been to a ball game.

  Harold swallowed another forkful of salad and chewed thoughtfully. “I guess nothing happened, then.”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Shay said. She immediately knew she’d played too innocent because Harold grinned knowingly.

  “That’s right, there aren’t any roses in those cheeks or stars in those eyes. You’re not walking around about three feet off the floor.”

  “I’m just trying to duck Scott, that’s all.”

  Harold gave a hoot of laughter. “And that sunburn on your nose doesn’t mean you were up to anything either.”

  Shay put her hand to her nose. “I went to a ball game.”

  “And… ?”

  “And none of your business.”

  “Aw-right, she got lucky.” Harold munched on his salad with a triumphant air. “It’s nice to know you’ve got a life.”

  “Look, I can do without the teasing,” Shay said. “I’m not ready for it.”

  “Did you really think that just because we’re buds I wouldn’t tease you?”

  “It’s what I was dreading.” She sipped her soda, feeling sulky.

  Harold just smiled innocently and concentrated on his salad. After a few minutes he said, “Why are you avoiding Scott?”

  “Because I need to confront him about something and then I guess I’ll be looking for work.” She didn’t mention the sample Anthea was taking to a lab during her lunch hour. The results wouldn’t be available until next week. “I want to put it off for about a week.”

  Harold looked concerned as he put down his fork. Til be supportive first. I’m very sorry to hear you are having problems and support you in your efforts to work them out.” He sighed. “Now I’ll be selfish. What the fuck am I supposed to do if you leave?”

  It was her turn to sigh. “I don’t know. But I’m pretty sure it’s inevitable.”

  “Damn. Just when I was looking forward to work again.”

  “Sorry, Harold. I did introduce you to a new guy, though, one who works here.”

  “Yeah, a guy I have a date with this Friday night. I guess that helps a little. Are you sure you have to do this?”

  Shay nodded. “Unless I’m completely off the beam about something. I won’t know until Friday, maybe Monday.”

  “You sure do know how to ruin a guy’s day.”

  “Sorry. You can call me peewee if you like.” But Harold didn’t smile.

  By Friday Harold seemed resigned. He alternately referred to her as a traitor and a peewee and made lewd but true comments about how Shay seemed to be running late in the mornings and several days in a row wore shirts several sizes too large. She

  couldn’t tell him that she should be exhausted from the extra exertion — he’d only ask just what she was exerting herself at. How could she explain, without boasting like men she detested, about the endless lovemaking that started as soon as she and Anthea reached the car and ended the next morning when they parted. While she was driving, Anthea had a way of stroking the inside of Shay’s knee that made Shay go limp.

  She told herself she ought to keep a little distance. She told herself that she had no idea where this affair was going. She told herself that the sex couldn’t stay this good.

  Friday evening, Anthea drove them to her house.

  Shay collapsed onto the sofa with a sigh of relief. “I can’t believe how tense I was all week.”

  “I kept expecting my boss to call me into his office,” Anthea said, stepping into the bedroom to change. “Want to go to a movie tonight?”

  “Let’s watch something on the tube,” Shay said. “I can’t really afford the movies.”

  “My treat,” Anthea called. She pulled a polo shirt over her head, then slipped into jeans. As she headed back to the living room she said, “What do you want to see?” She stopped at the sight of Shay sitting bolt upright, both fists clenched.

  “I can’t afford to go the movies,” she said slowly, her voice tight.

  “I’m more than happy to pay,” Anthea said again.

  “That’s not the point.”

  “Why are you upset?”

  Shay hopped to her feet and paced to the French doors. “I don’t need to be … kept.”

  Anthea laughed. Shay whirled to face her and Anthea realized she’d done exactly the wrong thing. “I’m sorry. It was just… this is kind of unexpected. What’s the harm in me paying for the movies?”

  “I don’t like to be dependent.”

  “It’s not your rent,” Anthea said, with a flash of temper. “It’s just a lousy movie.” Things Lois had said were coming back and she didn’t want to discuss them again.

  “It doesn’t feel right,” Shay said, her expression stony.

  “This is silly,” Anthea said. “My parents left me money. I can spend it any way I like. I’d like to spend some of it on us having fun together.”

  Shay was shaking her head vehemently. “I can’t explain it. I just can’t sit and do nothing while you give me things I can’t reciprocate.” She sank down onto the sofa again.

  Anthea choked back a flood of confused anguish.
Nothing? Too fast… they’d gotten here too fast. She’d been falling in love with Shay over a period of five months. Ninety minutes or more, five days a week. It was a long, slow fall, so gentle she hadn’t noticed it happening until she’d hit bottom. But it had only taken one week to start fighting about money. “There’s more than nothing going on between us,” she said finally, looking away.

  Shay was silent for so long that Anthea looked back at her. She was astounded to see Shay holding her head in her hands, shoulders shaking silently with tears.

  Anthea froze. She couldn’t deal with her own

  tears, which is why she didn’t cry, let alone someone else’s. She slowly sat down and pulled Shay gently into her arms. She proffered a clean tissue she found in her pocket, which was accepted, and then she rocked Shay, wondering what nerve she had touched to have crumbled this strong woman so completely.

  Shay grew calmer after a few minutes, then mumbled an apology. Anthea continued to rock her until Shay sat up and blew her nose. “I’m sorry,” she said again. “I don’t know what set me off.”

  “I didn’t mean to be insensitive,” Anthea began, but Shay turned to face her.

  “It’s not you. Well, it’s only a little bit you. I… I realized how much I feel like a nothing. No hopes, no dreams, no plans, no prospects.” She drew a shuddering breath, then caught Anthea’s hand, which was stroking her arm, and held it in her lap. “Everything I ever planned to be was wrapped up in my dad. I don’t know why he died. I still get so mad at him.”

  “It’s okay,” Anthea said. “It’s okay to be mad.”

  Shay blew her nose again. “I can’t believe, after all I wanted to do with my life, that I’m spinning my wheels at a place which is everything I wanted to change. I… I’m still empty inside. There’s a big hole he left. I could fill it up with you but that wouldn’t be right.”

  “Shay,” Anthea said softly, “tell me.”

  “There’s something I don’t usually think a lot about, but it’s been coming to me lately, like a bitter pill about something old. I … my dad’s brothers offered to pay for the funeral, but it would have had to be their way and Dad didn’t want to be buried in