by Nicole Sobon
What he told me on the street, that wasn’t why he wanted to die. That was what he wanted me to believe, the lie he fed to the world. It was his way of pushing others away.
“You want to know what happened, right? Why I’m the way that I am?” Colton turned to look at me. I could see the pain written all over his face. “Last year I lost my parents, both of them died in some sort of freak car accident. My little sister, Maggie, was in the backseat. She was the only survivor, but I haven’t seen her since. She was taken away because they felt I was too young to take on the responsibility of raising a child! Can you believe that? They took my baby sister away because they felt I couldn’t care for her properly!”
Before I knew what I was doing, I began to move closer to Colton. I felt the need to comfort him, to try and calm him down. I reached my hand out to Colton, fully aware that at any moment, he might realize I was different from him. But he didn’t. He grabbed my hand in between his before continuing. “My parents’ bodies were donated to Vesta Corp, some sort of science program here in Seattle. That was their wish and, in a way, I preferred it that way. Knowing that their bodies were sitting below ground, rotting away, would have only made it worse. Everyone I cared for was taken away from me and there is nothing I can do about it. Nothing.”
Colton was crying now. I imagined that this was how Hayden reacted when I died. Imagining my brother crying over me made me want to comfort Colton even more. He was wrong to think there was nothing he could do. I knew that his parents might, in fact, still be at Vesta Corp, though I couldn’t tell him that. Not now. But knowing that there was a chance he could have his family back, or at least part of it, pleased me.
10 NEW BEGINNINGS
Silence filled the room as he tried to compose himself. I wanted to help him. I wanted to tell him about his parents and Vesta Corp, but I couldn’t. No matter how much it might help, it could also ruin him even more.
“Colton, hey, look you were wrong. I understand more than you could imagine. But I can promise you that death is not the answer.” I wrapped my arm around his shoulders, carefully.
He shook his head, not uttering a word.
As much as I wanted to tell him the truth, to explain how I’d lost everyone I cared about - twice now - I knew that I couldn’t. He wouldn’t understand. Or he would run off, terrified, and that would be worse.
I chose my next words carefully, trying to be as honest as possible without revealing too much. “Look around, Colton, do you see anyone else here? No, it’s just me. My family? Who knows where they are. I have no way of contacting them. Heck, I’m not even sure where they are. I’m alone. This life I’m living? I’ve had to rebuild it from scratch. But even though I lost everything – my family, my friends, my life - I never gave up on life. If you give up on life, you give up on love…you give up on them.”
“How exactly would I be giving up on them?” Colton asked.
“Think about it.” I smirked. “You love them, even though they’re gone. In order to love, you need to live. If you give up on your life, you give up on them. You’d willingly forfeit the capability to love.”
He remained quiet. “And love is one of life’s greatest joys; one that is often taken for granted.”
“You say that so surely, as if I wouldn’t see them again upon my death,” he scoffed, shaking his head. “I still have hope that I will see them again. So, if you’re just going to sit here and tell me otherwise, don’t bother.”
Colton had every reason to believe he would see his parents again. It just wouldn’t be in the manner he hoped. If their bodies were handed over to Vesta Corp, then they could be still be very much alive. I knew that first hand. But I wasn’t going to tell him the truth, no matter how much I wanted to.
To lose someone was hard. To lose someone and find out they were still alive was even harder. Colton didn’t need any more pain or confusion. He needed to live, to break from the past. I was here to help him start over. I had a purpose again. A real purpose.
“So what’s your story anyway?” he asked, breaking the silence in the room. “If you’re not a fugitive, why are you running?”
I was running from the past; the same thing he was doing.
“There are things about me that you do not know yet, nor will you probably ever know. My past is trying to catch up to me, and I need to continue to run from it. It’s the only way I can live.” I paused to look over at him. “I can’t go back there, I can’t.”
Colton would never know how truthful my words were or what they truly meant, but it felt nice to not lie to him. Of course, it was only some of the truth - as much as I felt he could handle.
He jumped down from the counter, lifting his hand up towards my cheek. I pulled back in a panic. Desperate to increase the space between us, I leapt off of the counter and moved into the living room, taking a seat on the brown couch.
“Look at us. You’re running from your past, and I’m running from my life. I’m thinking our encounter wasn’t coincidental.” He joked, moving to sit on the arm rest.
I refused to believe it was coincidental either. Everything had a reason behind it. My reason for running into Colton, almost literally, was to help him. He needed me as much as I needed him. He needed to learn to live again just as much as I needed to feel alive.
This was no chance encounter.
“Do you work or go to school?” Colton asked, leaning on the back of the couch.
“No,” I replied without hesitation. How would I explain the house or the car? Should I tell him that my brother gave me money before he left so that I could get by? Did I honestly want to explain why my brother left me here? Why my family wasn’t allowed to contact me? No. I didn’t. “I’m actually living off my savings for now. It’s hard to find a job around here.”
He nodded his head as though he understood. “Emile.” His voice was quiet, serious. “I just want to say thank you. It’s not often you find people that are willing to listen when they hardly even know you.”
“It’s nothing, Colton, really.” I looked over at him and smiled. “Sometimes, people just need a shoulder to lean on. I’m more than happy to be there for you.”
“Thanks.” He smirked, pressing off the couch. He lifted his arms above his head, yawning in the process. “I don’t mean to be a pest, but would you happen to have an extra room I can sleep in?”
I looked up at Colton - he looked so fragile, like a child in need of protection. His clothes were torn and covered in dirt. He reminded me of someone; he reminded me of myself – of my original Program. I could recall the way the White Coats used to stare at me while I was in my Pod, and while I didn’t understand it then, I did now. I wasn’t able to handle the outside world then, just as Colton was struggling to survive in this world now.
“Let me go prepare a room for you. I’ll be right back.”
Honestly, I wasn’t sure there was a spare room for Colton. Hayden hadn’t told me much about the house before I arrived. I knew off-hand that if there wasn’t a Pod in the living room, there would be one in my room, which meant that room was off-limits to Colton.
Luckily enough, on the opposite side of the house was a spare room equipped with a bed.
Thank you, Hayden, I thought.
“Colton,” I called, making my way back to the living room. He was still standing near the couch, his hands buried in the pockets of his sweatshirt. “There is a spare room for you on the other side of the house.” I pointed to the hallway by the kitchen. “The bed is already made. If you need anything else just let me know.”
He pulled his hands from his sweatshirt pocket, and slowly made his way over to me. “I don’t think I can say thank you enough, Emile.” Before I could stop him, Colton wrapped his arms tightly around me. My metal build pressed against his fragile human body. He had to notice, there was no way he couldn’t. Move, Emile. Move.
I backed up slowly, trying to act as though it never happened.
“Are you okay? You feel pretty cold.
Are you sick?” Colton asked curiously.
“I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. Why don’t you head to bed? I’ll see you in the morning.”
He looked up at me and nodded. He headed for the hallway, turning to look at me one last time before he made his way to the spare room. He knew I was lying, that I was sure of. What I didn’t know was if he knew what I was, or that I was different.
“Crap,” I muttered.
11 CONFESSIONS
I listened as Colton snored from down the hall, reminding me of just how inhuman I’d become. I thought back to this morning, to how I started off as a useless Program, before Hayden managed to bring me back.
This morning, I was technically dead.
But now I’d be ending the day alive.
And while I was more than happy to receive a second chance at life, the concept terrified me. Underneath my flesh, metal rods, and ropes of wire ran throughout, connecting to my core. Yes, my memories were intact – well, at least some of them. And yes, I might function like any other person. But even still, I knew that I didn’t belong.
What would Colton think of me if he knew what I was? I wanted to tell him. I wanted him to see me for what I was. I wanted to be able to live my life, an honest life. The problem was that Programs weren’t welcomed with open arms in our society. And no one had even known that I’d died.
People had their own beliefs concerning Vesta Corp, mainly conspiracy theorists. Most actually believed it was where they brought organ donors, and I supposed that was because McVeigh was rather charming when he wanted to be. But for the most part, no one quite knew what went on at Vesta Corp, or that most of the people that vanished had been turned into Programs.
How would I even begin to explain that even though I looked human, I was actually a computer?
I didn’t know.
I glanced up at the gray wall, adjacent to the couch. A small, black LCD clock sat to the right of the television. Large, red numbers flashed the time: eight o’clock at night. Way past my Pod plug-in time. I could feel my Program slowing down, desperate to enter standby mode.
Colton was sound asleep, and I didn’t see him waking anytime soon. I decided to head off to the Pod while I still had the chance. I moved from the couch slowly, making sure to avoid making too much noise. Given how heavy my new body was, any small step would echo throughout the house. And I honestly didn’t want to risk waking Colton.
Walking into the room, I was surprised to see that there weren’t nearly as many computers as I had become accustomed to while at Vesta Corp. Next to the Pod, a small silver cart held a laptop, which connected to the back of the Pod.
The Pod itself was a replica of the ones I used at Vesta Corp: It was white and oval shaped. A folded letter was taped to the glass window.
Written in a neat lettering, the letter was addressed to Emile.
It was from Hayden. I could tell by the hand-writing. I pulled the letter off the Pod’s glass door and opened it carefully.
Dear Emile,
I wish I could be there with you. I wish I knew that you were safe. But I can’t and I hope you can understand why. I miss you, Emile, and I hope to see you soon. For now, be safe.
Love,
Hayden
I wanted to cry, but tears wouldn’t flow from my eyes. No matter how hard I tried.
My family would now become my past. At least for now. I needed to keep them safe, and, therefore, I couldn’t see them. No matter how much it hurt. I would need to push forward and create a new life – one that didn’t involve them.
The idea of them no longer existing to me was heart wrenching, but I didn’t have a choice.
Did I ever?
When Hayden brought me back, he brought me back so that I could live out the life I had lost. He didn’t bring me back so that I could spend my time moping around. He wanted me to experience everything that life had to offer, to take back what was taken from me. And yet, here I was wasting it.
“I’m sorry Hayden,” I whispered, reaching for the latch on the Pod door.
The door swung open, exposing the white interior. I climbed inside carefully, making sure not to bump into anything as I did. Once inside, I could feel my hard drive connecting to the port in the back. A slight clicking sound echoed throughout the Pod.
The familiarity of the Pod, though reminiscent of my time at Vesta Corp, was comforting. It was something that I couldn’t run from, something that would always be there. The memories it brought out might not be the best, but it was a constant, if not the only constant in my life.
I watched as the Pod door began to slide shut, and the computer prepared standby mode.
There’s nothing worse than a wasted life. I thought over everything I had told Colton earlier in the day. Here I was telling him that he couldn’t give up on life, yet here I was afraid to live my life. How was I expecting him to listen to me when I wouldn’t even listen to myself? Great role model, I thought.
Wanting to drain out the world, I closed my eyes, and prepared to enter standby mode.
But I never did.
There was a light knock on my door. “Emile, I’m sorry…I know you’re probably trying to sleep, but could I come in for a second?” His voice was low, anxious.
I tried to ignore him, in the hopes that he’d go away, but it was evident after the second knock that he wasn’t budging. Panic began to register in my Program as my programming fought to shut down. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t hide.
The knob on my bedroom door turned, and I could see the door open just a crack. He stood in the doorway hesitantly, glancing over the room. And then his eyes landed on me.
There was no escaping the truth.
Not anymore.
“Emile?” Colton jumped, his eyes opening wide as he took in the Pod. Slowly, he inched inside of the room. I could see the fear in his eyes, the panic forcing his body to shake. I wanted to explain, to try to make him understand, but I couldn’t. Not now.
“What are you?” he asked. Stopping in front of the Pod, Colton placed his hands on the window. I could read see the confusion in his expression as he glanced down at me. “What is this?”
He didn’t know, which I supposed I should’ve expected. While there were human’s who know about Programs, most of them turned a blind eye to our existence. Vesta Corp was smart in that they presented themselves as a donation center for those who wished to donate their bodies, and or organs, to science upon their death.
More often than not, families would believe McVeigh when he came to collect their loved ones. But there were a few who questioned the legitimacy of Vesta Corp. Of course, the others thought those who questioned McVeigh to be crazy. I, myself, wasn’t one to question. After all, curiosity killed the cat. I found it best to ignore the rumors. Until now; until I became the rumors.
I remembered there was an incident at Vesta Corp, shortly after my conversion. A family member of a newer Program walked into Vesta Corp - an older, petite woman. She came to sign over her son’s body and was horrified to see that her son wasn’t actually dead. Granted her son was dead and stored away on a drive. But seeing him in his body, walking around entirely unaware of who she was, the woman broke down in hysterics.
Charles McVeigh tried to calm the woman to no avail. Eventually, he had to tell her the truth. The woman threatened to tell the world, which forced McVeigh to smile. He knew that her words would, for the most part, fall on deaf ears. While some residents found truth in her words, others deemed the woman to be insane. Something McVeigh seemed to take pleasure in.
While there were humans who were aware of our existence, most of them lived among us without as much as a clue. We were trained to blend in. We tried to appear human. As far as they knew, we were actually alive.
It was clear that Colton hadn’t a clue who, or what, I was. And I wasn’t sure that was good. How could I explain McVeigh’s plans? Or Vesta Corp? Or me?
Colton stared at me, waiting for me to answer. “Why won’t you say any
thing?”
I looked at him, desperately trying to communicate my thoughts. I forced a whisper, trying like hell to move my mouth. I could feel a surge throughout my body the minute my lips parted. I closed my eyes, forcing myself to withstand the pain. There was nothing else I could do.
I watched as a single tear rolled down Colton’s cheek. He began to look around the room frantically. Looking for what? I wasn’t sure. “Hold on,” he said, slowly backing away from the Pod. “Just hang on, Emile.”
He ran behind the Pod, near the computer that the machine was connected to.
And then everything went dark.
I could feel the Pod shutting down, my body freeing of its hold. Colton pulled the cord, allowing my Program to function per usual.
He strolled up to the Pod window, carefully releasing the latch. As he pulled open the doors, I could feel the panic rising in my Program.
“Now,” he demanded. “What are you?
I climbed out of the Pod slowly, taking a stance beside Colton. He knew what he saw. Even if he wasn’t quite sure what it meant. He knew I wasn’t like him. There was no point in lying. “I’m a Program.” The words slipped from my mouth so easily, almost as if the truth were nothing in need of hiding.
12 TRUTH BE TOLD
“And what the hell does that mean?” Colton asked, clearly annoyed by my lack of explanation.
“It means that I’m a computer. It means that I’m human outside, but metal inside. What it means is that I am technically not a living, breathing human being,” I shouted, failing to keep a hold of my emotions.
I believed that I was alive, and that my life was given back to me by Hayden. But it was clear that was not the case. I’d never be alive again. I had no beating heart or lungs to breathe with. Everything that I had become had been carefully constructed. The human I once was, she was gone now and replaced with a computer. I had become a replica of myself.
