by Nicole Sobon
Colton moved towards me and placed his hand on my chest. “There’s no heartbeat. I don’t understand,” he said, his voice cracking.
“I’m not human, Colton.” I backed away, looking at the floor.
“If you’re not human, why do you look like one? Why are you able to talk like one, or act like one? You don’t seem like a computer to me.” His words were everything that I wanted so desperately to hear, even if I knew they were all a lie.
“Maybe I could explain it better if I started from the beginning.” I looked up at Colton before continuing. “My name is Emile, as you already know. I was sixteen years old when I was killed.”
“Killed?” Colton shook his head. “What are you talking about?”
“Let me explain.” I held up my hand to silence him. “I was walking down an alleyway, headed home, when a car came from out of nowhere and hit me.” I froze as the memory started to play back in my mind. It was a memory I wanted to forget, a memory that forced me to remember just what I had become.
“The driver was Charles McVeigh. He had been following me for some time, though I was too blind to realize it. When he saw me alone in the alley, he stepped on the gas with every intention of killing me. You see, Charles McVeigh works for Vesta Corp – a company built on rebuilding the dead, turning them into perfect replicas of the living.”
Colton stared at me as I uttered the words Vesta Corp, the place his parents were brought to upon their death. The place I was brought to upon my death. Yet here I was speaking to him. He had to think there was hope for his parents, too.
“Without going into specifics, Charles McVeigh planned on using my Program for his idealist society, but my brother, Hayden, found a way to import my personality and memories back onto my core. He brought me back to life, well as close to alive as he could. I’m still technically far from living.”
He reached forward, brushing his hand softly against my cheek. Shock, confusion, wonder – he wanted to know more about me. He wasn’t running. He wasn’t scared. “You say that you’re not alive, yet here you stand before me able to speak, able to move, able to care. To me, you are alive.” Colton smirked as he held my face between his hands. “Yes, you may be a computer, but you were able to care enough to help me. That is enough for me to trust you, to believe that you are alive even if you refuse to think so.”
Colton was trying to help me feel alive. His words meant so much, but at the same time, I knew this wasn’t what he meant to say. What he meant to say, to ask me, was if I’d known his parents. And while I wanted to be able to say yes, I knew I wouldn’t be able to.
Program Thirteen’s memories were filed behind mine, so deeply buried that they were almost inaccessible. It was possible that I knew them, but there was no way I’d be able to tell him with complete certainty if I had. But when it came to Vesta Corp, there was a possibility that they were still alive. He had to know that. Even I knew it.
Yet, while it was possible that they were still alive, I knew that chances were Colton would never see them again. That was what hurt the most. Charles McVeigh and the White Coats would have known that Colton was still alive and living within the city. There was no way that they’d promote his parents to Level Three. Not when there was a risk of exposing the truth. My family had fled, all except Hayden. When they sent me to Level Three, they knew what they were doing.
But as long as Colton remained alive and the White Coats were able to track him, his parents would remain in Vesta Corp as lifeless Programs. That was if McVeigh even bothered to keep them around. How did you tell someone to give up on hope when it was all that they have left? How could you take everything away from them, again?
I didn’t want him to hurt like my family. Hayden risked everything in order to save me but even still, he wasn’t allowed near me as long as Vesta Corp remained open. Was it worth it for him? Was it living if everyone and everything you cared about was just taken away from you all over again? All for the sake of living the façade – the pain, the loneliness, the loss…it couldn’t be worth it.
None of this was truly worth it.
Watching Colton made me question Hayden’s motives. Did he bring me back because he couldn’t bare the pain of losing me? Or was it because he felt I hadn’t truly lived?
Even still, I had to remind myself that I had a purpose now.
I needed to protect Colton.
“Can you answer one question for me?” he asked. I nodded my head, knowing what he was going to ask me. “Will I ever see them again?”
Yes, was what I wanted to say, but I knew that I couldn’t promise him that. “I’m not sure, Colton.”
He lowered his head and stuck his hands in his pockets. “You said that Hayden brought you back, that he imported your memories and personality onto your core, right?” He was pacing the room now, his eyes darting between me and the floor.
“Yes, but-” Before I could finish, he cut me off.
“No!” he yelled. “Hayden managed to save you, Emile. Why wouldn't I be able to rescue my parents?”
I’d created a sense of false hope by telling him the truth. It was the worst thing I could have done. Yet it was the only thing I could do.
“Look, Colton, you have to understand. My brother made it into Vesta Corp through a flaw in their system. When his name was run through the computer, it did not match mine, which allowed him to slip by security. After Charles McVeigh realized that he was my brother, being that he was my caretaker, I was taken away from him. He acted out of passion after that. He did everything and anything that he could to get me out of there. But it took months!”
Even if Colton was to get into Vesta Corp, I couldn’t guarantee that his parents would still be activated. I wouldn’t let him risk his life, not when there wasn't a guarantee that he would be able to save them.
13 FATE
“You just don’t understand the risk, Colton. It’s not as easy as simply walking in there and grabbing them.”
I couldn’t look at him, not when I had the terrible thought of him dying in my mind. The security that Vesta Corp had was nearly impossible to infiltrate. We’d need to study it, to learn it inside and out. It took Hayden months to help me escape, months which we didn’t have. And neither did his parents.
“What if you were in my shoes, Emile? Would you think any different, then? Your brother risked his life to save you. What if it was your parents? What if it was your brother?” He shook his head, running his hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, but it’s well worth the risk if I can even see them again. Just for one second. To tell them how much I miss them.”
I knew what he meant, how he felt, but I couldn’t help him.
How could you explain to someone that sometimes it was not worth living in the past when the past was all that they had worth living for?
Hayden came back for me, but I was beginning to wish he hadn’t. He came back because he felt as though I didn’t have the chance to live, so he said. But I finally realized the reason he came back was the same reason Colton wanted to go back – to say goodbye. And he had.
He left me here alone.
I’d essentially lost my family twice, neither time by choice.
I existed solely because someone wanted me to. Whether it was Charles McVeigh or my brother, Hayden, I wasn’t alive for me. I was alive for everyone else. I died, and then McVeigh brought me back as a Program for his use. Hayden then brought me, Emile, back because he needed to say goodbye, to relieve his own pain.
I wanted to live, yes, but I also wanted control of my own life. And that was something that I would never have again. As long as Vesta Corp existed, I could never actually have control of my life. They’d keep searching for me. Thirteen meant something to them, and they weren’t going to allow me to overtake her – to overtake my body. When they found me, because they would, I would be gone. Emile wasn’t supposed to be alive. I was supposed to be nothing more than a hard drive stored away in a dark room. The life I was living now would end soo
n enough. Did Colton honestly want the same fate for his parents?
“They are alive, but they are Programs like me. They won’t remember you, Colton.” It pained me to see the look on his face as my words sank in.
“Couldn’t your brother help me, though? He brought you back!” He was pleading now.
“There’s something you need to understand. While I’m alive again - well as alive as I ever will be - my life is still fully in Vesta Corp’s control. I can never go back there because they will find me and deactivate me. As for my family? I cannot see them or else I’ll put them at risk, too.” I paused before continuing. “So to answer your question, no, Hayden can’t help us.”
He didn’t say a word. He just stood there, shaking.
“This is not a life that I would impose upon anyone voluntarily. No matter how much I may miss them. The only thing you can do is to move forward, to live your life, Colton.” As the words fell from my lips I realized just how cruel they were, but I didn’t have any other choice. He needed to know the truth. I didn’t want to hurt him, that was not my intention, but I couldn’t let him hold onto false hope either.
“What are you doing here, Emile?” he asked me.
“What do you mean?” I asked curiously. “I thought I already explained-”
“I mean, you’re so against me saving my parents that I’m beginning to wonder what you’re doing here exactly. Why do you choose to live this way if it isn’t an ideal way of living in your opinion?”
Colton poised an excellent point, one that I hadn’t thought of before. My brother wasn’t around, and I wasn’t allowed near my family, so I was now living this way by choice. But why did I continue to allow myself to live this life if I despised it so much?
“I think it’s because I know that I still have a purpose,” I said. “At Vesta Corp, we were taught that we were created for a bigger purpose. I’d like to think that I still have a purpose now, albeit a far different one. One that is incredibly important to me.”
“And what’s your purpose?” Colton asked. “Would it happen to be me?”
“I’d have to say, yes, actually. Not even twenty-four hours ago you were trying to kill yourself. Now? You’re sitting here talking to me like you’re a different person. So yes, I would have to think that I have a purpose in your life, as crazy as it may sound.”
And oh, did it sound crazy. I barely knew this boy. Yet here I was trying to fix him, to save what was left of him. “Colton, you have to understand just how important your life is. You’re alive. You still have your entire life ahead of you. I can’t let you risk that when there is no guarantee that your parents will welcome you with open arms. Where we come from, it’s far different than the world out here. They won’t know you, assuming McVeigh intends on keeping them around.”
After all, adult Programs were far more common than teenage Programs, although I couldn’t tell him that.
He shook his head, not bothering to say a word.
For that, I was thankful.
I knew that Colton was hurting, but I also knew that he was finally beginning to listen. Even if he didn’t understand, he was at least making an effort to listen to what I was telling him. I took a stance beside him, listening as the sound of his beating heart filled the room. I closed my eyes, wanting to cry, and knowing very well that I couldn’t. There was so much that I was missing, so much that I didn’t bother to think about before.
My family. Tommy. College. All of it was gone now, and all I could wonder was if I’d ever have the chance to get that life back. Would I ever be able to see my family again? Would I ever experience what it felt like to love someone again? Would I ever be able to live as freely as I used to? The answer was clear: as long a Vesta Corp existed, no, I wouldn’t.
I stared blankly at the wall before me as Colton leaned his head onto my shoulder. As much as I wondered about what my life held in store, I had to focus on Colton. I needed to help him to learn to live, to start over. Sometimes the hardest part wasn’t letting go, but rather learning to start over.
14 MEMORIES
Mother, I called as I saw her approaching me. She was smiling. Her arms were open wide as if she’d been waiting for me. My father and Hayden were walking behind her. They had their arms extended out to me. I could feel myself running, trying desperately to reach them, but I couldn’t. Every inch I moved, I pushed them farther away.
They were out of my reach, even in my dreams.
“Emile.” Colton was shaking me. “Are you okay?”
When I opened my eyes, I found him sitting beside me. I knew that the images weren’t real. They were a combination of past memories of my human life and thoughts pulled from Program Thirteen’s core. But they felt real.
“Yes, I’m fine.”
I turned towards him, trying my best to appear as though everything was okay. Hide it, Emile, I kept telling myself. He needed to see that I was okay. He needed to believe that nothing was wrong. But I could feel it. Thirteen and I were beginning to fuse together as one. I wasn’t a scientist, but I was rather positive that shouldn’t be happening.
I couldn’t help but wonder where Hayden was and what he was doing.
If anyone would have an answer, it’d be him.
What are you doing, Emile? I wanted to scream at myself because I knew that I was searching for a reason, any reason, to locate my brother. But this, this was something I needed help with. Program Thirteen and I should not be fusing together, but we were.
We were becoming one – one life, one being, and one unit.
Colton was still staring at me, his eyes full of worry. “If you say so,” he said, not buying that I was okay. “But I still think something is wrong. If and when you’re ready to tell me, I’m here.” His gaze lingered on me questionably. I knew he wanted answers, but I wasn’t willing to provide them. Not yet.
Looking around the room, I realized that at some point during the night we’d made our way to the living room, as I was now lying on the couch. Much of the night was a blur, which seemed odd. As human as I seemed, I was still a Program - meaning I should be able to remember something. Standby mode was my way of sleeping, but I never had the opportunity to finish my session before Colton barged in the night before. So what happened?
Why was I lying on the couch and why couldn’t I recall the previous night?
“I wish these things came with instruction manuals,” I whispered, referring to Program Thirteen, which technically meant I was talking about myself.
Colton looked up at me and laughed. “So, you want an instruction manual for what exactly, yourself?”
His words made me laugh as they fell from his lips. I didn’t need to explain it to him. He already knew what I’d meant without me ever saying a word.
“Yes, exactly,” I replied, trying to hold back laughter. “I wish I could truly show you what it’s like, what this is like, but I can’t. There’s still so much that even I don’t understand.” And it was the truth.
It wasn’t as simple as figuring out how a computer worked. I wasn’t just a computer program, I was a human merged with a Program. There were things I could do that humans couldn’t, but that also meant that I’d lose human abilities, too. What those were, I’d need to find out.
“You don’t need to explain yourself to me, Emile.” He reached out his hand, grabbing hold of mine. “I know that you’re not like me, though I wish you would have told me sooner, but I’m okay with that. I’m okay with that because the person that you are has been nothing short of amazing. How many strangers do you know that would take in a suicidal teen on a whim?” He laughed, pausing to wait for my reaction.
Seeing Colton laugh made this all worth it. I was glad to have taken the risk of allowing him into my world, much as I was glad that he’d welcomed me into his. We were a messed up pair the two of us, but together we were balanced.
“You know, I’m kind of glad that I met you,” I said, laughing softly. “Of course, I wish it were under difference circum
stances, but hey, you’re alive, so that works for me.”
He shot me a glance before laughing hysterically. He was so happy, so carefree. It was as if I was just meeting him. Almost as if the boy I’d met yesterday wasn’t the same one I sat before right now.
“Hey, not to be a party pooper or anything, but do you mind if I ask you a more serious question?” His face tightened, the laughter slowly faded away. I nodded, not sure what it was he wanted to know. “Well, are you able to remember anything from your human life? I mean, completely remember.”
“Colton, if this is about your parents-” Before I could continue, he stopped me.
“It’s not about them, I swear. I was just curious how strong your memories are from your human life.”
Even though he swore it wasn’t about them, I was almost positive that it was. “My memories, while they are present, are not strong.” I closed my eyelids, trying to avoid eye contact with Colton. “I see things but only in bits and pieces.”
He was still staring at me, waiting for me to finish answering him. I knew what I wanted to tell him; I wanted to tell him about my memory from earlier – the one that I’d lied about. We were supposed to be over secrets and yet I was hiding something so small from him.
“For example," I said. "You know how this morning you needed to shake me? It was because I was experiencing a memory. It felt like I was there with them, my family, but no matter how much I tried to grab them, they were always out of my reach. It was a mixture of my memories of playing in the field with them and the memories I’d formed of them now. Now that I can’t actually see them, I keep distorting the memories in my mind subconsciously.”
