In the Wake of Wanting

by Lori L. Otto

  He doesn’t respond at all.

  “And I saw the texts you sent her. They were disgusting and desperate. I could see why she’d never go out with you… and if that’s how you approached all women, then–and only then–could I understand why you had a hard time getting girls to go out with you. Because before, I couldn’t understand it. Before I couldn’t understand why you had to forcibly take from these women. From friends of mine or innocent strangers I’d later meet and become friends with. You are Asher Knoxland, and any girl would have done anything to go out with you. That’s what I’ve learned in interviewing people for these stories. You had it made. But when I saw what you had sent to Coley, I would have run the other way, as well, had I been in her shoes. You just had no clue.”

  He looks down now, a sure sign of guilt. “Pryana, Asher? How could you do that to her? You respected her. You chose her to succeed you at the paper. She was your equal. I mean, I guess she didn’t like you like that. I don’t need to ask you these questions. They answer themselves, when I really think about it. I don’t need for you to respond. You don’t have to incriminate yourself. I already have the answers.

  “There were other ways, though. You didn’t have to ruin other people’s lives just because you had a hard time getting what you wanted.”

  “Did you even, for a second, stand up for me, Trey? You talk about loyalty, but did you ever have any for me?”

  “I did. I absolutely did. I told Coley there was no way you could do that. And then I remembered that party, and you and Lucy in that dark corner, and I realized that there absolutely was some way you could do that. I felt like such an idiot,” I admit to him. “Just…” I’m at a loss for words. “How could you?”

  Glancing up at me, he says two words. “I didn’t.”

  “You’re really going to maintain your innocence?” I can’t keep the anger at bay. He raises his brows. “I saw you raping Jenny on video in my own apartment. You did it! I know you did it! We all know you did it. There’s no way you’re getting off for this.”

  “You never know what’ll happen in a trial. How many Ivy Leaguers actually do hard time for this crime?”

  I stand up and lean on my fists on the table. I can feel the presence of the two officers right behind me. “You will be the example. You will set the precedent. Because what the prosecutors have in this case that the ones in the other cases didn’t have is physical evidence. Not just a rape kit. Not simply witnesses who could testify about what they saw. An actual video of it taking place.”

  I remember, in gruesome detail, every vicious thrust, every sickening sneer on his face, every delicate teardrop that fell onto my countertop, every time Jenny grasped the lip of the counter in obvious pain, and every time she screamed for help or for him to stop. I didn’t need the sound to know that her cries were desperate and blood-curdling. I could tell by the way her lips formed the words or how her face would contort. She was in the worst kind of agony.

  “Your lawyers haven’t seen the video, but I have. I know my sex tape was out there for everyone to see. Yours may not be as widely distributed, but it will be seen by the only people who matter: a jury of your peers, and trust me when I tell you that not a single person on that jury nor a single judge in this country could watch that video and feel an ounce of sympathy for you. No way.

  “This won’t be like the other cases where the guy gets off with probation because his daddy’s rich, or he gets a minimal sentence because the judge feels he deserves to experience a normal college life. You had your chance. You blew your chance. And this?” I say, standing up straight and motioning at the drab concrete walls that surround us. “This is what you have to live for now.

  “You had everything. So much potential. A plethora of good friends. A future that’s unattainable for most people. A dating pool as wide as the sea. Was it worth it? Taking what you did from those innocent women?”

  “I didn’t get the one I wanted.”

  I clench my fists as my heart races, knowing to whom he’s referring. “Shut the fuck up.”

  “I didn’t want her like that, Trey. I wanted her like you have her. She’s gorgeous, but she’s so much more than that. Exuberant and insightful and able to communicate in superhuman ways. I’ve never met anyone like her.”

  “You’re not a good enough man for her. In all the time I’ve known you, you never were.”

  He looks at me seriously. “You think I don’t know that? There’s a saying, Trey. ‘Keep your friends close and your enemies closer.’ I knew you were my biggest competition in anything the day I found out you’d enrolled at Columbia. Rich kid like me, popular like me, good looking like me, but better than me. I poured over your fucking website and thought there was no way you were that good of a person without some skeletons hidden somewhere. I befriended you and searched high and low for those flaws. I knew a woman would be your downfall; I saw how dull your relationship with Zaina was. It was just a matter of time… and when that time came, I would be ready to expose your misstep. To show the world that Trey Holland wasn’t perfect.

  “When Coley showed up in class, I was a witness to the immediate chemistry. I knew she’d be your undoing. But I fell for her, too. She was different. I found myself caring about her. I’ve never cared about a girl in my life.”

  “If you cared so much, why did you release the video, Asher?”

  He looks around the room, obviously cautious of his words and what he might say to implicate himself of his crimes.

  “When I saw her in your room at the Carlyle and realized you’d gotten to her first, I knew I’d lost my chance. Like I said, you were my biggest competition. Any sympathetic feelings I had for her were gone… and I knew I had you where I wanted you.”

  “You don’t even know the whole story,” I tell him.

  “Does it even matter now?”

  “No. You’ll hear it all in court.”

  “I suppose I will.”

  “You were never really my friend,” I summarize what he’s just told me.

  “There were days I liked you,” he says.

  I nod my head, standing and walking to the door. “I’m done here.”

  “What?” he asks as I step outside of the room. “No goodbye? No ‘Rot in hell, Asher?’”

  I stare at him hard and think about my final words to him. “I hope you can live with what you’ve done… and find some sort of peace. I sense you’ll have many years to figure that out.”

  As soon as I walk out into the daylight, inhaling another waft of the thick, stomach-churning air, the next bus back to Queens is loading another group of passengers. I’m the last one they can accommodate, and I’ve never been more grateful to catch a ride on public transportation in my life.

  - I’m on the bus back to Queens.

  - - How are you?

  - Just happy that you’ll be safe in my arms tonight.

  chapter twenty-nine

  ~ thirteen months later ~

  “It’s your last night as a twenty-year-old,” Coley reminds me as we lie on a lounger on the terrace under the stars, her in a silk negligee and me in a pair of comfortable shorts. With all the lights off in the apartment, there’s nothing illuminating our patio space. “Tomorrow’s a big day.”

  As she cuddles closer to me, I put my arm around her. “No… I’ve been drinking since I was in high school, so I kind of took the fun out of this birthday. It doesn’t really come with any other rituals.”

  “Well, now you can be legal… and drink in public.”

  “Okay. There’s that.” We move in to kiss one another. “Does it feel like home here yet?”

  “I think so. I still haven’t figured out the nuances of the oven, but I’ll get there. It’s only been a month and a half.”

  “Anything you want to change?”

  “No,” she says, laughing. “And stop asking me that. If I want to change something, you know what I’m going to do?” she asks.

  “What?”

  “Change it.
You told me when I moved in to get comfortable and make myself at home since it was now my home. I’ve taken that invitation to heart, boss.”

  “Well, good. I want it to look like you live here, too.”

  “So the snow cone syrup stain on the pillow in the living room isn’t proof enough?”

  “It looks like a watercolor… and it smells nice, too.”

  “That’s going to be my first change,” she decides. “I’m getting us a new pillow.”

  “We can wash the cover, laureate.”

  “That’s what it looks like washed. It’s not coming out.”

  “Oh. Then you should get me a pillow for my birthday.”

  She moves to position herself on top of me, bringing a lightweight blanket over us. “I have other plans,” she says, then leans over to kiss my chest.

  “I love watching the stars as we…” She pulls down my shorts and places her lips around me. I wish I could see her. “Fuck…” I exhale, threading her long, blonde hair through my fingers. “Oh, fuck, Coley.” I’m anything but poetic when she’s humming and licking and sucking like this. Everything is crude and impulsive, but she’s always amused by the way I let down my guard when she gives me head. It’s one of the many ways she’s conquered me.

  “Are you close?” she asks, taking a break.

  “Yes.”

  She strips off her top and hurries out of her panties, reaching blindly for my stash of condoms that I keep in the drawer under the lounger we’re on. I find them for her, having a better feel for the furniture. “I’m so turned on right now,” she tells me, helping me put on the rubber in the darkness. As soon as it’s secure, she slides herself slowly onto my erection, moaning the whole way down. I adjust the blanket, just as a precautionary measure.

  “Fuck, Coley… oh, that’s nice.” Her hips swivel with my hands as their guide, and as she leans over, our lips meet for a deep, impassioned kiss. When I’m sure we’ve got the rhythm down, I wrap my arms around her tightly, one hand able to barely skim her breast and the other firmly positioned on her ass.

  When I feel her start to tighten around me, I roll over carefully but quickly. “Open your eyes, laureate,” I whisper in her ear before kissing her neck.

  “Oh, God, Trey!” I watch as her face delights in pleasure. “Oh! Oh!”

  Eventually, she takes me with her. “Fuck, Coley! Oh, God!”

  We kiss through the orgasms and their aftershocks. I roll off of her and hold her as we catch our breaths.

  She clears her throat and starts speaking:

  Stars glister

  Every time I lose my breath

  I say your name

  My heart beats in time with yours.

  If the moon fell tomorrow

  And the heavens ceased to exist,

  A few moments alone

  Wrapped in the safety of your arms

  Would speckle the darkness

  With lights as bright

  As your eyes.

  “Wow,” I say, never prepared for her stellar impromptu poetry, but always happy to hear it–especially when it’s inspired by something we’ve done together. “That’s lovely.”

  “I see stars every time we make love, Trey. It doesn’t matter where we are.”

  After kissing her softly, I encourage her to go inside and write it down, allowing the words to echo in my head in case she needs me to recall them for her. She never needs my help, though. Once she creates her poetry, it’s embedded into her mind forever, permanently a part of her.

  I put my shorts back on and find her clothes to give to her as soon as she comes back.

  When she returns, she brings a glass of water for us to share and finds her space in my arms again after getting dressed. We lie together for a good half hour without a word. I think about our lives: how we got to where we are and where we go from here. For Coley, I wonder if more words are swirling around and trying to become something synergetic. One thing I always know is that her mind is never at rest.

  “I love the silence with you,” I tell her quietly, not wanting to disturb her.

  “I love all the moments with you.”

  The top of her head being the only thing in reach, I kiss it a few times, wanting her to feel my full affection for her. “Coley?”

  “Yes?”

  “We’ve been dating a little over a year now. I know we’ve casually talked marriage before. I just have this feeling we’ll be married someday. Don’t you?”

  “I moved in with you last month, didn’t I? I wouldn’t have done that without having some hope for a permanent future with you. I always thought that was where this was headed,” she says.

  “Right. Me, too. Like, it’s assumed.”

  “Right.”

  “I like that feeling. So anything we do toward that is just a formality at this point.”

  “Exactly.”

  “I’d kind of like to make an official step in that direction, though.”

  “I would, too.” She looks up at me with a smile, her lips awaiting mine.

  “I want to do it right and talk to your family first before we go out and do anything.”

  “My family?”

  “Well, of course your parents. But your brothers mean a lot to you, and I like and respect them both. I’d want everyone’s blessing.”

  “You know they all adore you. No one would stand in your way,” she assures me.

  “I figured that. I was thinking, since your whole family is in town for my birthday tomorrow, why don’t we do it at dinner? Nyall’s out of the hospital for a few days, and he’s doing great. It seems like the perfect time.”

  “We’re celebrating your birthday, though… tomorrow’s your day.”

  “I can’t think of anything I want more than a lifetime with you.” That earns me another kiss.

  “It’s a great idea, but I don’t know if I should be there when you ask them for my hand in marriage or whatever. What if my dad actually objects? Or has concerns?”

  “I’ll get some time alone with them… we’ll play it by ear. What are the odds they’ll object?”

  “They won’t.”

  I nod my head. “Okay, then. This should be easy.”

  In the elevator to the next floor down, I lean in to kiss the side of Coley’s nose. “You’re not wearing any makeup.” Admiring her freckles up close, I move my lips to hers.

  “I am, too,” she speaks against me. I pull away to look at her. “Mascara. Gloss… which I now have to reapply.”

  “You look perfect just the way you are.” I let her off the elevator first so I can see her dress again. “That dress gets sexier every time I look at it.” When I’d decided what I wanted to do for my birthday, I’d suggested that Livvy take Coley shopping for a dress. It was going to be a formal affair, and I’d wanted Coley to have the dress of her dreams–to feel as beautiful as she ever had. My sister took her to a local boutique and had them remove the price tags for a private fitting. When Coley had come home that night with the new dress, she was still grinning from ear to ear.

  My first glimpse of it came about fifteen minutes ago, and she took my breath away. The gown was floor-length with a train, and the main part was a light bluish-green–sea foam, maybe–but the top had sheer fabric that covered her collarbone, shoulders, and most of her back. It blended perfectly with her skin. All of that featured deep, red roses falling, and they continued onto the blue dress, tapering off around knee-length. The dress was romance. It couldn’t have been more perfect for Coley.

  “Sexy? I think it’s quite demure.”

  “You’re not seeing it from the back. All I can envision is releasing soft rose petals all over your naked body.”

  “Aren’t you tired of that? We do that every night,” she jokes. I give her a kiss as I open the car door for her.

  “I’m buying some roses on the way home,” I whisper in her ear as she makes sure the train of her dress has made it into the SUV with her.

  After I start the car and begin to
put it in reverse, she places her hand on mine. “You look gorgeous and… as attractive as I’ve ever seen you. I am so excited to be your date tonight. Like, I always love being your date… you know that… but… I don’t mind if people take our pictures today. I want them to. I want to remember us like this.”

  “It’s fun to get dressed up every now and then, right?”

  “It is!”

  “Plus, this is going to be an important night for us… talking to the parents. It’s a night we should memorialize.”

  “Absolutely.”

  “You’re not nervous, are you?” I ask her.

  “No way!”

  “Me, neither.”

  “So, dinner with our immediate families, and then the real party begins. A band? Dancing? I can’t believe you wanted dancing…”

  “It’s a chance to see Callen making a fool of himself in person. How is that not on everyone’s wish list?”

  “That dance he did for Max was awesome…”

  “It was,” I agree. “And I have no doubt Max will get him out on the dance floor tonight. Plus, it’s Damon Littlefield and Will… fronting an orchestra. That doesn’t happen everyday.”

  “No, this is going to be a sight to see.”

  “It is. And this is something you and I have never done together. I wanted it to be a special night for both of us.”

  “Must I keep reminding you that it’s your birthday?” She refers to many earlier conversations we’ve had today.

  “And I’m turning twenty-one with you right here. How lucky am I?”

  At the next stop light, she unfastens her seatbelt so she can lean up to kiss me.