Better

by Carey Heywood

  I need distance. I can’t stay in that room any longer. It smells like him—a mixture of Irish Spring, his cologne, and something just him.

  I shower and get dressed. I’m in the kitchen, rummaging through the cabinets for something to snack on, when he walks out. He’s still shirtless. Why can’t he put on a shirt?

  “Hungry?” he asks, scratching the back of his head.

  “A bit,” I admit.

  “Give me a minute. I saw a bakery close by.”

  “Okay.”

  He walks back into the room and shuts the door. A couple of minutes later, he walks back out, now in jeans and a vintage looking M*A*S*H T-shirt.

  “Nice shirt.”

  He laughs. “It was my dad’s.”

  “You’re wearing hand-me-downs?” I joke.

  “Just trying to live the green life.”

  I don’t give him the satisfaction of a chuckle even though that was funny as I follow him out of the flat.

  “What about Abe?”

  “He can get his own breakfast,” he says, grabbing a set of keys hanging on a hook by the door.

  I give him a look.

  “Don’t worry. I’ll bring him something back.” He holds the door open for me.

  I tuck my hair behind my ear and hurry down the stairs. I wait for him at the bottom, not sure which direction to go. He comes up beside me, tilting his head to the right. We turn together and walk.

  “I saw you.”

  “Excuse me?” I stop.

  He’s now a step ahead of me. He looks back at me.

  “I saw you watching me this morning.”

  “I wasn’t,” I stammer, looking away.

  “If you say so,” he says as he continues to walk.

  I follow him but stay a step behind on purpose. I can’t believe he saw me. I’m not sure if I’ve ever been so embarrassed. I might never be able to look him in the eyes again. It’s a short walk to the bakery. Adam orders some assorted pastries and two coffees.

  “Do you think Abe would like one too?” I ask as he passes me my cup.

  He shakes his head. “He drinks tea.”

  “Tea?” I picture my grandmother and her floral teapot.

  He shrugs. “It’s a British thing.”

  “Yeah, Boston Tea Party and all that, I suppose.”

  His mouth twitches.

  I try to follow him again, but he slows to walk next to me. I sip my coffee and instead watch the cars pass by. The street Abe lives on is a one-way. I see where he parked the car he picked us up in. The street is so packed that I’m surprised he was able to find a spot so close.

  “See something interesting?”

  My eyes flick to Adam’s and then down. How interesting will I sound when I tell him I was thinking about how Abe got a good parking spot? I shake my head.

  Since Adam’s hands are full, I hold the door for him this time. He rests his foot against the door, tilting his chin toward the stairs. I’m not sure if he’s polite or bossy. The idea of the chivalrous male is sometimes annoying. It sounds good in theory, and if my hands are full, it doesn’t bug me. I let out a puff of air and try to temper my feet from stomping. Once I’m at Abe’s door, I lean against the wall next to it, not offering to help.

  Adam holds the bag with the pastries in his mouth as he reaches in his pocket for the keys. He’s fumbling with them, trying to isolate the right one, when the door opens.

  “Yum.” Abe grins, plucking the bag from Adam’s mouth.

  We crowd around his coffee table. Adam and I both sit on the floor in lieu of the sofa. For being so thin, Abe can destroy a plate of danishes. I pluck another from the bag before they’re all gone.

  Abe goes to get dressed while Adam pulls out a street guide for me to go over our stops for the day. We’re taking the tube to avoid traffic and parking. I want to see all the typical touristy sights—Big Ben, the London Eye, Buckingham Palace, the Globe, Westminster, and King’s Cross.

  Adam has been to London before and to all these places. I wonder if it bothers him as a photographer. Maybe he’d rather be out exploring new places than forced to babysit me.

  “I could just go with Abe if that works better for you.”

  He looks up, his finger hovering over Cambridge. “What makes you say that?”

  “You probably already have pictures of all these places. You probably don’t want to see them again.”

  He scratches the side of his face, right by his ear. He hasn’t shaved today, so he has a healthy day’s worth of stubble on his face. It suits him, giving him a rough air.

  “Sure, I’ve been here before, taken pictures of all these places at one time or another, but that doesn’t mean any shots I take today won’t be better. Besides”—he turns the map and points to a spot not far from where we’ll be—“there is a small bridge here. The light was all wrong last time I was here. I want to stop there.”

  I stare at his finger. The light through the window catches a flake of icing still resting at the top. My mouth goes dry. He must notice it then too. I watch, transfixed, as he lifts his finger to his mouth and sucks. I gulp.

  Needing to get away, I stand and walk into our room. We’ll be leaving soon. I take my plastic box from my suitcase. I have a smaller container I can carry with me. It feels weird, carefully shaking some of her ashes into it.

  I seal both containers tightly. I delicately tuck the bigger one back into my suitcase, and then I place the other in my purse. If I knew Adam wouldn’t walk in, I would probably linger over them longer. Instead, I perch myself on the edge of my bed, facing the window.

  It’s a sunny day. The light streaming in illuminates tiny flicks of dust in its path. I have my cross-body bag slung over me and sitting in my lap.

  “Ally,” I whisper, “I’m in London on our trip. I have you with me. I’m not sure where I’m going to…put you yet. I want it to be somewhere beautiful.” I pull the bag closer to myself. I can feel the outline of the box through the cloth material.

  “I promise, somewhere beautiful.”

  “What were you saying?”

  I jump, seeing Adam in the doorway. I didn’t hear him open the door. I wipe away the moisture stinging the corner of my eye.

  “Nothing. Are we heading out?” I stand, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.

  He nods and steps back, so I can move past him. Abe doesn’t look ready. He’s on the phone, pacing across the living room.

  He holds up a finger and continues to pace, randomly saying, “Brilliant.”

  Adam and I watch him. Abe’s long legs devour the small room. He turns and goes back to where he started. I’m about to sit down when he hangs up.

  His eyes dance as he walks over to clap Adam on the shoulder. “Four tickets to the Arsenal match tomorrow.”

  Adam almost smiles. He looks over at me. “We’re going to a football match tomorrow.”

  I’m confused. “Football?”

  “You blokes call it soccer,” Abe chimes in.

  “Oh, cool.”

  Abe grins. “Very cool.”

  “Four tickets?” I adjust the strap of my purse, so it isn’t rubbing my neck.

  “My girlfriend, Shelly, is coming.” He grabs his wallet off the kitchen counter and slips it into the back pocket of his jeans.

  We take a cab to the station. It’s silly, but I feel a thrill from thinking I’m underneath London right now. We’re quiet for the ride.

  Adam becomes Mr. Tour Guide once we’re above ground. His camera hangs from his neck, half in and half out of its case. It’s slightly overcast, but otherwise, it’s nice out.

  I feel like I’ve seen all of London by the time we stop for sandwiches. My feet are sore. I cross one leg over another and twist my foot at the ankle. We eat while sitting on benches near a park. Abe is trying to teach me cheers for the football match tomorrow.

  Adam stands, crumbling his wrapper, and he tosses it into a nearby waste bin. “That place where I wanted to shoot is just down that path.” H
e points. “I’ll be twenty minutes.”

  After thirty minutes, I go after him. His back is to me as I walk up. My skin tingles as I take in the view before me.

  We’re near Cambridge. There’s a small gray stone footbridge. It’s rounded with two arched bends over the water that flows beneath it. A white swan idly paddles by in hopes of finding an errant crust of bread. A group of children play in a grassy area bordered with trees and flowers. It’s a beautiful place.

  It feels so right for Ally to be here. I can feel her presence so strongly. I blink away tears as I imagine her looking out over the water with the noise of playing children around her. She loved kids. It was why she worked in a daycare.

  I lower myself and sit by a lonely tree on the edge of the park. I want to be discreet. With my hands, I push aside some of the mulch gathered at the base of the tree. I tap the container gently, releasing the ashes onto the soil and smooth the mulch back over the ashes before slipping the container back into my purse.

  “I hope you’re happy here, Ally. I feel you with me. It makes me think you like this place.”

  My hand lingers on the spot where a piece of her now rests. I lose myself in the moment—from the birdsong from the trees above me to the breeze that kisses my cheeks. This place smells old but in a good way, like worn leather and old books. It’s not until he speaks that I remember I found this place because I was coming to look for Adam.

  “What are you doing?” he asks, walking over to me.

  I squint up at him. The sun has come out. “I came looking for you, and it is so pretty here that I thought I’d take a moment and enjoy it.”

  “Can I take your picture?”

  I groan. “I’m not photogenic.”

  “I don’t believe that,” he argues.

  My breath catches. I rest my hand back on the spot where Ally is, and I nod. He glances behind himself before taking a few steps back.

  “Just look at the bridge, like you were doing before,” he directs. “Now, close your eyes and tilt your head up. Now, down just a touch. Okay, right there.”

  I hear the click of his shutter and then nothing. I peek and see him now standing right above me, his hand out to help me up. I flex my hand against the earth one last time before brushing the dirt and mulch from my palms. Reaching up, I feel his hand wrap around mine before he pulls me up.

  “Playing in the dirt?”

  I nod. “You can’t take me anywhere.”

  “What’s taking you lot so long?”

  We look up to see Abe approaching. His eyes widen when he sees my hand in Adam’s. I tug my hand from his grasp and wipe it on the back of my jeans.

  Adam bites back a smile. I look back at the tree.

  “Coming?” Abe asks.

  I turn and follow them back up the path.

  There’s a gift shop on the main road. I pop in to get something for my folks. I thought about buying a trinket, but instead, I get a postcard to send to my parents. When I’m at the register, I see a display of charm bracelets. On impulse, I grab one and a tiny Big Ben charm.

  Adam and Abe are waiting for me just outside. I pull my bracelet out and attach the charm to it. I’m trying to hook it around my wrist when Adam takes it from me and does it for me.

  I look up at him. “I could have…”

  His head is bent, his long eyelashes lowered, as his eyes focus on my wrist. I drop my gaze to his hands. They are so big in comparison to the delicate clasp. Once the clasp is fastened, his fingertips dust my skin as he spins the bracelet around to look at the charm I bought.

  “It’s pretty,” he says, dropping my hand.

  My hand floats back down to my side before my brain catches up, and I remember I want to look at it as well. The chain is simple, silver with small links to attach the charms to. My Big Ben charm is silver as well, only the clockface is painted. It’s forever three o’clock.

  “Want to pop into a pub?” Abe asks. “I could use a drink.”

  My feet are still a bit sore, so I’m all for finding a place to sit for a bit longer. We don’t have to walk long to find a place. It’s bigger and less crowded than the place we were at last night.

  I think back to Nigel and his offer to take me out while I am in town. I wonder if he could take my mind off of Adam.

  The boys grab a table and let me buy this time. I carefully make my way over to the table with the drinks. Abe jumps up to grab their drinks, so I don’t have to carry them the whole way.

  “We should have just gone to a restaurant,” Abe mumbles before taking a healthy swig of his ale.

  “We didn’t eat lunch that long ago.” I laugh.

  “Abe here is a growing boy,” Adam says with mock seriousness.

  I cover my mouth to muffle my laugh, trying to picture Abe any taller than he already is.

  He glowers at Adam and turns his attention back to his drink. I drink my beer, the same Freedom Pilsner I had the day before. It’s good, but I’ll probably order water with dinner.

  We only stay for one drink and then make our way to the London Eye. We eat somewhere near there before we go up, and then we’ll head back to Abe’s. After being unsuccessful in getting me to try some Scottish food, we end up at a Chinese place.

  The line is long for the Eye. It works to our favor though as the skies darken, and Big Ben and Westminster Abbey are lit up. The ride is twenty minutes. I’ve never been crazy about heights. The capsule moves slowly enough that it doesn’t bother me until we’re close to the top. There are seats at either end. I sink into one and keep my eyes on the sights. It’s fun seeing all the places we visited today from the sky. They seem somehow so small and big at the same time.

  The ride back to Abe’s flat is a quiet one. I think we’re all exhausted.

  I change in the bathroom. Adam is sitting on his bed, his laptop open in front of him when I return to the room. He must have changed for bed while I was in the bathroom. My eyes fail at avoiding his bare chest.

  “I won’t be long,” he says, looking up. “I just wanted to upload the pictures I took today to my virtual hard drive.”

  “Thanks. Okay.” I yawn. “Can I see them?”

  He slides over, so there’s a spot for me to sit next to him. Not much room. My arm presses against his, and I try to ignore the heat coming off of him. He waits for me to get settled and angles the laptop toward me before he starts the slide show. The slide show starts at the end of the day and goes backward. His pictures are beautiful. My chest swells when I see the pictures of me sitting under the tree. My eyes snap to his. He’s waiting for my reaction.

  “They’re beautiful.”

  “Thanks,” he says simply.

  As the slide show continues, I feel my eyes growing heavy. It’s been a long day, and while all his pictures are great, there are just so many, and there are so many of the same place but from different angles. I’m thinking I should probably move to my bed.

  Then, I’m warm, maybe too warm, and my neck feels a bit stiff as I slowly wake up. It takes me a moment to figure out where I am, half sprawled across Adam. He’s on his back, and I’m curled around him. My head is on his shoulder, my leg is hitched up on him, and my arm is draped across his chest. His very warm, very shirtless chest.

  I ease my leg off of him, freezing when I feel him stir beneath me. I wait a moment before lifting my arm from his chest, his beautiful chest. I pause, knowing I’ll probably never be this close to it again. My eyes flick to his face to make sure he’s still asleep before I do something I know I’m going to regret. I lick my lips and trail my fingertip across the ridge defining the cut of his pecs. My stomach flips.

  I’m inching backward when I feel his arm tighten around me. I look up to see him gazing down at me with sleepy eyes, his hair falling into them.

  “Don’t I get a turn to touch you?”

  My breath catches. I push his arm off me and sit up.

  “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have—”

  He cuts me off with a shake of his
head, reaching his hands to rest behind his head. “I didn’t mind it.”

  I stand, needing some space between us, and I fiddle with the hem of my shirt.

  “I’m going to go.” I gesture to the door and hurry to the bathroom.

  I’m sitting on the edge of the tub with my head in my hands when there’s a knock at the door. “Yes,” I say, lifting my head.

  “You decent?” Adam asks through the door.

  I jump up to check my reflection in the mirror, smoothing my hair behind my ears, before I open the door. I step backward as he charges in and closes the door behind him.

  This is not a big bathroom. I feel short of breath while waiting for him to do or say something. My back is to the sink. He stands in front of me, resting his palms on the sink countertop behind me. This lowers his face so that we’re eye level.

  “I know you’re attracted to me.”

  I gulp.

  “Anything happening between us would be a bad idea,” he continues.

  My eyes narrow. “I never said I wanted anything to happen.”

  He straightens back up, his eyes moving to his reflection, and he pushes his hair off his face. He looks back down at me. “You didn’t have to.”

  With that, he walks out of the bathroom, shutting the door behind him.

  Asshole. What was that? I know you want me. What a jerk.

  I take my shower even though I’ll have to walk back to our room in my towel. I’m annoyed at him. I brush my teeth and finger comb my hair before I walk out.

  The towel I’m using barely covers me. I hold on to it tightly as I pad across Abe’s flat. Adam is getting something out of his bag when I walk in. I watch his eyes widen when he sees me.

  “Could you…” I motion toward the open door.

  He walks over to it, closes it, and leans his back against it, facing me. “Could I what, Aubrey?”

  “Stop being weird and leave, so I can get dressed.”

  “Sure about that?” He smirks.

  “Positive,” I grit.

  His mouth twitches before he turns and walks out into the living room. I lock the door behind him.

  Our only plan for the day is the football match. After that, we’re going to have dinner somewhere.