Happy Families

by Adele Parks

  14

  15 November

  Mark’s happy and supportive response to the news of the baby gave Lisa a bit of hope that being a forty-two-year-old mum was going to be OK after all. At least she now knew that Mark would help, but Lisa was not in the clear yet.

  Lisa and Mark decided that they needed to see a midwife before they told anyone else, to be on the safe side. These days, younger, more excitable girls seemed to tell everyone about their babies six minutes after conception. Lisa would have been happy to wait the full forty weeks. She could just say she was eating too many pies.

  Mark said Lisa needed to face her future.

  ‘You sound like my sister!’ said Lisa.

  ‘Just because your sister says something doesn’t mean it’s wrong,’ said Mark. ‘She thinks I’m great and I am.’

  Lisa had to smile.

  They made an appointment with the midwife and the shame began.

  Co-parenting might be very modern and accepted down south, or in big cities. But there, in a tiny village near Leicester, it was a different story. The local midwife was Jane Davis. Lisa had gone to school with Jane, but they had never been friends. Jane had been good at maths but never let Lisa copy her homework. Lisa had been captain of the netball team but had never picked Jane. That was a decision Lisa regretted now, as Jane raised an eyebrow and noted that Lisa and Mark had different names and addresses.

  ‘And will these addresses be the same at the time of the birth?’ Jane Davis asked. She was as good as holding a shotgun to Mark’s head. ‘How’s Keith, then, Lisa? I haven’t seen him for a while,’ added Jane.

  ‘You’re a midwife,’ Lisa pointed out. ‘He’s unlikely to need your services.’

  It was not the moment for Lisa to defend herself, or to tell Jane about the Big Breasted Woman and the upset she’d caused. After all, Lisa was flat on her back with her legs in stirrups. And she’d just handed over a pot of wee. It was not a position of strength.

  ‘Well, having this baby won’t be the same as the others,’ said Jane Davis. She glumly shook her head. ‘You’re a very, very old mum, now.’

  Lisa had thought the same thing but was cross to hear Jane Davis say it.

  ‘I’m not that old,’ said Lisa. ‘Loads of women my age or older have babies. Madonna was older.’

  ‘You are hardly Madonna,’ said Jane.

  Lisa thought that, while this was true, it didn’t need saying. She listened crossly as Jane listed lots of scary tests that were needed because of her age. She felt dizzy. Mark suggested they go for a drink. Jane pulled a funny face. Mark turned red and said he meant orange juice.

  The chat with Lisa’s mum didn’t go much better.

  ‘I’m pregnant,’ said Lisa.

  ‘Funny thing, dear, I thought you said you were pregnant,’ her mum laughed. ‘I must have my hearing checked.’

  ‘I am pregnant,’ said Lisa

  ‘When’s the wedding?’ asked her mum.

  ‘We haven’t talked about a wedding.’

  ‘Give me Mark’s address and I’ll send your father round.’

  Lisa’s dad was only five foot nine in his prime. He weighed less than Lisa did on her wedding day. Mark was six foot one and beefy. Lisa didn’t think sending her dad round to Mark’s was a good idea, although it showed a certain sweetness in her parents’ relationship.

  Lisa told her mum she didn’t want to get married. And that the baby, while not planned, was still great news. And that Mark and Lisa would be very happy co-parenting from different homes. After all, Keith and Lisa did it with the other three.

  Lisa thought she sounded believable. Her mum tutted. She wanted to be angry at Lisa, but was secretly excited at the idea of knitting bootees. Also she was trying to stop herself laughing because Lisa had used the term ‘co-parenting’ – Lisa who had problems with the expression ‘partner’!

  ‘I wonder what Carol will have to say,’ said Lisa’s mum.

  Lisa’s blood ran cold.

  Lisa didn’t have to break the news to Carol, though, because by the time Lisa dialled Carol’s number, she found her mum had already passed on the good news.

  ‘You lied to me!’ said Carol.

  ‘No, I was mistaken,’ said Lisa.

  ‘How could you be so stupid?’ asked Carol.

  ‘It happens!’ said Lisa.

  ‘Yes, to teenagers. Not to old women.’

  Lisa slammed down the phone. If she’d been able to, she’d have rammed it down Carol’s throat.

  15

  15 November

  Mark and Lisa brought home a maxi-size KFC bucket. There was enough to feed an army. They encouraged the children to drink pop and have seconds of ice-cream. Jack sensed a moment of weakness and asked for a puppy again. Mark held Lisa’s hand. He muttered that he was right by her side. But he looked more sick than she did in the mornings.

  ‘Are you splitting up?’ Jack asked when he saw the junk food and fizzy pop.

  ‘No, no,’ Lisa said, somewhat bothered by his train of thought.

  ‘Are you pregnant?’ Paula asked the question but then laughed out loud. She clearly did not see it as a serious possibility. Kerry glared at Lisa and Mark, waiting for them to admit the truth.

  ‘Er. Yes,’ said Lisa.

  The laughter stopped.

  ‘I hate you,’ both the younger children said at once.

  ‘To think that in the past you’ve prayed that they’d agree on something,’ said Kerry. Lisa thought Kerry was enjoying this. She still hadn’t forgiven Lisa for thinking she was the one having an unplanned baby.

  ‘I thought you liked Mark,’ said Lisa. And that was a bit tactless, considering he was in the room.

  ‘We do. It’s just that now everyone will know you’re still having sex,’ said Paula. She was fighting tears.

  ‘People might have thought so anyway. I’m only forty-two.’ Lisa tried to stay calm.

  ‘There’s no only about it. You’re really, really old,’ said Paula.

  Lisa was getting used to people saying this. An odd thing was happening though, because the more people said it, the less she believed it.

  ‘You’re old and disgusting,’ added Jack. ‘I’m going to live at Dad’s.’

  Lisa wanted to tell him that his dad had sex too, but she couldn’t be that cruel.

  Paula and Jack got up and marched out of the room. Paula slammed the door with great force. A crack ran from the door-frame across the ceiling.

  ‘That didn’t go too badly,’ said Mark.

  ‘Rather well, considering,’ added Kerry.

  Lisa asked Mark to pass the chips. She wished she was the sort of woman who ate less under stress.

  16

  28 November

  It was just under a month until Christmas, but there was no sign of peace and goodwill in Lisa’s house. The shops were stacked with bubble bath and chocolate boxes, so it had to be the season to be jolly, but it was hard for Lisa to agree.

  Lisa and Carol were talking on the phone. They were trying to decide who should buy what for their parents. Last year both women had bought their mum a blender and their dad whisky. It hadn’t made for a festive Christmas.

  ‘I’ve bought Mum a skirt from Next and Dad a jumper,’ said Carol.

  Lisa bet that Gill had given Carol a staff discount, but didn’t say so.

  ‘I won’t buy them clothes then,’ said Lisa. She had no idea what she would buy them. She had too much on her mind to think about gift-buying.

  ‘Christmas is a magical time,’ said Carol with a sigh.

  ‘I know. Usually I like everything about it. From choosing, buying and wrapping gifts, to cooking, over-eating and over-drinking. I really love my old Christmas tree that I drag out of the loft every year. Almost as much as I love my kids,’ said Lisa.

  ‘Your Christmas dinners are better than anyone’s,’ said Carol. Lisa thought it must have cost Carol to be so kind.

  ‘But this year I’m looking forward to Christmas about as m
uch as the turkeys are,’ said Lisa, sadly.

  At least Paula and Jack had not moved out. They had tried it, but after an evening of hearing the Big Breasted Woman repeat, ‘Well, who would have believed it?’ they got bored and came home. There was no point in having flat-screen TV if you couldn’t hear it above her chat.

  They still weren’t speaking to Lisa though, apart from barking the odd instruction about what they wanted in their lunchboxes, or asking whether such-and-such a top was clean. In many ways it was a normal situation, except that Lisa knew they were hurt and confused. She hadn’t meant to, but she’d turned their world upside-down. It had never been her plan.

  Lisa tried to talk to Paula about making the best of things. Lisa confessed to being secretly excited about the thought of once again going to Nativity plays. Paula stared at Lisa, clearly furious.

  ‘Kerry told me what you thought of her!’ Paula yelled angrily. ‘You didn’t like the idea of her being pregnant, did you?’

  ‘Not at all,’ Lisa said, ‘but Kerry is fifteen.’

  ‘And you are forty-two!’ said Paula. Lisa really hadn’t known how ageist her family was. ‘And you’re not even getting married!’

  Or how traditional it was.

  The thing is Mark hadn’t asked her. She couldn’t admit as much to Paula. She couldn’t risk Paula turning her hate on to Mark, so she stayed quiet.

  Mark had said that he wanted to be at the birth classes. But they hadn’t discussed anything after that. The truth was, Mark hadn’t asked to be a daddy, had he? Why should he want anything more than the birth classes? Lisa told herself she shouldn’t care. But she did!

  She blamed Christmas. It came with daft hopes, like families sitting around the fireplace, or belting out a chorus of ‘Jingle Bells’ around the piano, even though everyone knew the best they could hope for nowadays was a row over the remote control.

  On a much smaller scale, Lisa was worried about what to buy Mark for Christmas: a Red Hot Chili Peppers album? Or maybe, socks, tie and a pipe? That should give the right message. Lisa couldn’t think about it any more because she was attacked by another round of sickness.

  ‘Tis the season to be jolly.

  Yeah, right.

  17

  3 December

  This year Christmas shopping was a chore. Lisa was so tired. She looked like the walking dead, and she felt about as healthy too. When she wasn’t being sick, she felt sick. Carol claimed to have the same problem – she said it was the shame.

  Carol wasn’t going to serve drinks during the break at her kids’ Christmas concert this year. She always did. But she said this year she wouldn’t be able to hold her head up in public when Lisa’s news broke. Lisa sarcastically thanked her for her support and asked if she’d kept any of Katie’s baby equipment. Lisa couldn’t afford to take offence. Carol said she’d check in the garage but she wasn’t hopeful.

  ‘You’d like to cut me off completely, wouldn’t you?’ said Lisa.

  ‘Yes, but it’s your turn to host Christmas,’ said Carol. Lisa wasn’t sure if she was joking. Carol hated cooking and would eat with the devil if it saved her from washing up greasy pans.

  Lisa’s mum kept saying that she was looking forward to Christmas dinner, as she’d be ‘glad to talk some sense into Mark’. Lisa was worried that her mum and dad would turn up with a few pounds of potatoes and some carrots from Dad’s allotment. They’d offer them up as a dowry.

  Money was tight now that Lisa had the new baby to plan for. Buying gifts on a budget for her disapproving family was no fun at all. Lisa walked around stores that sold scarves and novelty cufflinks. She didn’t know anyone who wore either. Still, that hadn’t stopped her buying similar gifts in the past.

  Lisa was walking around New Look, deciding whether to buy Kerry and Paula trendy, skimpy tops. That way she’d get into their good books. But maybe she should stick to her motherly instincts and buy them thermal vests? Her brother called to ask Lisa what he should buy Gill for Christmas.

  ‘As in my friend, Foghorn Gill?’ asked Lisa.

  ‘One and the same,’ said John.

  ‘In that case, buy her a gag.’

  ‘With a blindfold and handcuffs do you think?’ asked John.

  Lisa didn’t quite get his meaning. But she thought it was likely to be sexual. What else would it be with John? She blushed. ‘Too much information,’ she said.

  Suddenly Lisa had some idea how her kids felt about her and Mark. There were some people it was best never to imagine having sex: your parents, your children, any of your relatives, come to think of it! That’s what made a happy family.

  ‘By the way, I’m bringing Gill and her boys to the annual chimps’ tea party on Christmas Day,’ said John.

  Lisa couldn’t remember John bringing a date to Christmas dinner before. It must be serious with Gill.

  Lisa moved on to Debenhams. She was choosing between a fake-fur hot-water-bottle cover and a Christmas cracker full of miniature whisky bottles when she bumped into Mark.

  ‘What are you doing in town?’ she asked.

  ‘Shopping.’

  Of course, he probably was. They were in a shop. But he looked shifty and Lisa doubted him. Shouldn’t he be at work? Lisa looked round to see if she could spot a leggy blonde. Maybe he had a secret meeting, with a secret woman.

  ‘Who are you looking for?’ asked Mark.

  Lisa was too tired to fake it. ‘Your mistress,’ she said.

  Mark laughed. ‘I love your sense of humour.’ Then he saw her stony expression. ‘You are joking, aren’t you?’

  ‘I always expect the worst, and I’m rarely disappointed,’ said Lisa. She knew she was falling into her old habit of punishing Mark for Keith’s crimes. It was wrong of her. But it was a hard habit to break.

  Mark looked cross for a second. But then he just asked what Lisa had bought. He was not impressed by the mittens for her mum, or by the dancing Santa for Carol, even if it did light up. Lisa didn’t like it much either, but Carol would hate it. That was what was good about it.

  Lisa’s mobile rang again. This time it was Keith to say he and the Big Breasted Woman were pleased to accept the kids’ invitation to Christmas dinner. The kids had invited him to annoy Lisa. Obviously, it was an act of war. And Keith said he’d bring his parents.

  Clearly, they all wanted to be in on the family crisis and gossip. Nothing else would make the Big Breasted Woman give up staying in the five-star country hotel. This had been her plan for Christmas. She’d said that the hotel served mince pies and mulled wine, in front of the fire, at midnight on Christmas Eve. Very traditional and costly but worth every penny, said the Big Breasted Woman. Lisa had a Christmas Eve tradition too. She defrosted the turkey with a hairdrier and cursed that all the shops were closed. She always ran out of sticky tape when she still had a mountain of wrapping to get through.

  ‘Damn!’ said Lisa as she hung up the phone. ‘I wish mobile phones had never been invented. Then I wouldn’t get bad news in Debenhams. Christmas Day will be like Paula’s birthday – but worse because now I’m a fallen woman! We’ll have to sit together and listen to the Queen’s speech on traditional values.’

  ‘It will be OK,’ said Mark

  ‘I can’t even drink to numb the pain.’ Lisa did the maths. She’d be sixteen weeks pregnant by then. She’d be at the looking-fat-but-not-looking-pregnant stage – great.

  Lisa started to cry quietly. Mark pulled her to his chest. This made her feel better – and then worse. Hadn’t he noticed that it was nice when they were together?

  ‘Do you want to see what I bought?’ asked Mark. He pulled out two vouchers for a day of pampering at a spa. ‘One each for Kerry and Paula, for Christmas.’

  Lisa was touched by his thoughtfulness, and his planning. Fancy, a man who Christmas shops in early December. Keith never bought Christmas presents. Lisa got new carpets in the January sales every three years. Keith got a good staff discount. Lisa bought the presents for everyone else. Lisa’
s dad and John bought gifts from the petrol station on Christmas Eve. Lisa’s mum had three torches, ten cans of de-icer and loads of packets of those hanging air-freshener things. Lisa’s mum was never ungrateful though. She said she was the woman to know if ever you found yourself in a dark, snowy, smelly place.

  ‘This is for Jack,’ said Mark. He opened another shopping bag. Lisa looked inside.

  ‘A belt?’ she asked.

  ‘A lead. And I thought we’d get him the dog to go with it. I know we have a lot on with the baby and things, but he really wants a dog. I’ll walk it. Every family needs a dog,’ said Mark.

  Jack had been pleading for a dog for months. He’d been going on and on and on and on. But Lisa had been firm: no, no, no. But that last sentence from Mark changed her mind.

  Every family needs a dog.

  18

  11 December

  Lisa and Mark returned from the animal rescue centre. They’d picked a bouncing black and brown pup. The lady at the animal rescue said she was a cross between a Labrador and a Bulldog.

  ‘Lord help us,’ said Lisa. But she couldn’t resist. The dog had nice eyes.

  The kids were all at home watching TV. The scene would have been perfect if Lisa and Mark had found the kids doing their homework. But, hey, you have to be realistic.

  Jack and the dog jumped joyfully around the kitchen. One shouted thank you a million times. The other dripped saliva on Lisa’s lino. Even the girls managed a smile.

  ‘What should we call her?’ asked Jack.

  ‘It’s your dog, you pick,’ said Lisa.

  ‘No, Mark can pick and I’ll pick the name for the baby,’ Jack said with a big grin.

  This was the first thing he’d said that so much as hinted that he was accepting, or looking forward to, the baby. Jack had guessed Mark’s part in getting Lisa to agree to the dog. He’d be grateful forever.

  ‘Nothing obvious like Snowy,’ said Paula.