A Great Big Love

by Alona Jarden

  "What are you doing here?"

  "I can't stand it when we fight, Michelle."

  "Oh, that's okay. We didn't really have a fight."

  "Are you dismissing your feelings again? You know you're angry with me, so why are you dismissing it? Is it because you believe I would prefer leaving it rather than talking about it?"

  "You're making a big deal out of nothing. Everything is fine, Noel," I lied.

  "I'm not letting you enter the house before you say how you feel loud and clear."

  "I'm mad, okay? I'm angry, but it's not your fault, and I'm not angry with you."

  "How is that even possible?"

  "Come on." I placed one of the heavy shopping bags I was carrying in her hand and helped her up. "Let's go inside and talk. I promise, we'll talk about everything."

  "Let's go in and talk? About everything? Who are you, and what did you do with my Michelle?"

  "I'm right here. It just sounds like something I'd like to explain better… Say… At breakfast? My house? In the kitchen? Right now?" I imitated Don's style of speech and burst out laughing.

  For a few minutes, Noel and I got busy putting all the groceries I bought in their various places.

  I was actually glad the conversation between us was temporarily paused, as I felt I needed some time to get my thoughts in order.

  "I'll put this in the fridge." I rushed to take the tomato bag from her. I was afraid of what her response would be once she saw the brown breakfast bag I hid there earlier that morning.

  "Oh, no, no. This can't stay here." Noel waved a can of corn kernels at me.

  "Why not? It's a vegetable. Corn is a vegetable."

  "Seriously? Corn is a vegetable?"

  "Well, it is!"

  "It's also full of sugar."

  "And calcium."

  "But mostly sugar."

  "Yet a healthy kind of sugar. Like a vegetable." I sent her a naughty look.

  "It's not staying, Michelle. End of discussion."

  "That cost me almost two dollars."

  "Good to know. My girls love corn kernels. I’ll gladly buy it from you and even leave you with a small profit." She pulled out her purse and placed three dollars demonstratively on the table.

  "You should have seen me there, Noel. I was a mess. I don't even know how to start living healthier."

  "There is no good or bad starting point for that. You just do the right thing at any given time and don't think too much about next time."

  "The right thing at any given time?"

  "It's as simple as that. When you think about the long run or the future, things can sometimes seem impossible, so you should take any given time on its own."

  I was so glad that she surprised me with her visit. It was good to hear that the tension between us disturbed her too.

  Her presence there helped me avoid dealing with the sweets from my breakfast and also made it clear that there was no reason for us to quarrel in the first place, as we had a common goal.

  "I was planning to talk to you right after your meeting. I was actually waiting for you outside. I didn't know you were planning to go to the supermarket, so I just waited there."

  "I left the meeting in a hurry and decided to continue and challenge myself to do some healthy shopping."

  "In a hurry, you say? Why, was it interesting again?"

  "Yes, Noel. Don was there, and he was, once again, very interesting."

  "So when will I meet your new boyfriend?"

  "Never, if you keep this up."

  "What? Can't a girl get excited for her best friend about to get some?"

  "A girl can't. You shouldn’t get all worked up over meaningless nonsense. He is neither my boyfriend nor is he going to be. I mean… It's ridiculous! I don’t even understand why I mentioned him to you in the first place."

  "Maybe because you think he’s going to be significant to you down the road? It's obvious that he will, isn't it?"

  "I thought you said I shouldn't overthink the future or the road ahead." I chuckled. "Now do you understand why I say that a relationship with him is impossible? Because it's in the future, and I'm not supposed to plan so far ahead, remember? Any given time on its own, right?" I shrugged my shoulders, pleased with myself.

  "Speaking of the future, when are you planning to see him again?"

  "I'm not."

  "Why not?"

  "Because you're a smart woman and a good friend."

  "True, but how does that have anything—"

  "You gave me great advice, and if I'm going to listen to it, I need to send him a text message right now and cancel the date he unilaterally set for us for tonight."

  "Oooh... a second date! Tonight? What are you going to wear?"

  "I'm not going to see him again, Noel."

  "Obviously, but only after tonight, right? So what are you wearing?"

  "I'm serious. It won't work between us."

  "Ugh. Why?"

  "Because other than the fact that we're both fat, we have absolutely nothing in common."

  "If you told me about him so quickly, I'm sure that's not true, and besides, why does it matter whether he's fat or not?"

  "Why does it matter?!" I was amazed at how my taste in men never came up in any of our deep conversations. "Perhaps because I'm not attracted to overweight men?"

  "Oh, I see." She nodded judiciously, implying that she was far from seeing eye to eye with me on that. "Answer me honestly, Michelle. Am I the only one who sees the irony in your idiotic statement?"

  "No. You're not. It's quite clear to me that as a fat woman, it's a nasty hypocritical thing to say. I understand that from your point of view, I'm not supposed to disqualify potential spouses based on their appearance, but the fact is that I don't find him attractive. My taste in men isn’t different than anyone else's just because I'm overweight. The only taste I have that's more diverse than of the average woman is my taste in food."

  "So why did you agree to go out on a second date with him tonight?"

  "I didn't!" I got annoyed when I remembered my one-sided conversation with him about it. "He just announced it as a given and walked away."

  "Who do you think you're talking to? I know you, Michelle. I know you better than anyone else, and I know that if you didn't want to have a second date with him, you would have said so."

  "I swear I don't want to date him. I mean... not really. At least not like this."

  "What's 'like this?’"

  "When I'm not in reasonable shape."

  "Oh, you're talking crazy!" It was hard to miss the fact that she looked away and pretended to arrange the sofa cover in the living room as she continued. "You're very reasonable looking."

  "Really? Do you really mean that? Thank you, Noel. It's always been a dream of mine to be reasonable-looking!"

  "Great. One of your dreams came true. What's the next dream for us to make a reality? Maybe finally losing your virginity?"

  "No, thank you. I dream bigger than that." I could never bring myself to tell her about that damn evening.

  "Well, now you're talking! You should ask that interesting Don guy to send you a dick pic. You don’t have to date him, but if it's big, at least you'll have something to dream about!"

  For a while, we returned to being Noel and Michelle as we always were. She told me about the conversation she had with her husband after our fight, I shared my experiences from the supermarket and my conversation with the elderly woman and in general, the minutes passed as if it wasn’t a routine working day in which she was supposed to be running the empire she owned. An empire we co-founded.

  From time to time, as silence found its way to us, I came up with a long list of unbearably difficult questions for myself and wondered if I would ever have a satisfying answer for them.

  I wondered what the hell was I thinking when I agreed to go out with him that evening. Me? With a fat guy? At a restaurant? I suddenly felt I had no business being there with him, and moreover, I couldn't understand what he was
looking for, being there with me.

  The reason why my relationship with Don couldn't go anywhere was so clear all of a sudden. Anxiety hit me with every possibility that wandered into my mind, and since I needed to be calm and relaxed, I took the only step I could.

  "You know what, Noel?" I said out loud when I realized I had to cancel my date. "He's been on my mind all morning, he makes me doubt everything. I can't deal with him right now. It not going to happen. End of discussion."

  Chapter 10

  Don

  My mother used to tell me that good things have a way of working themselves out.

  I'd been thinking a lot about this saying since I met Michelle, and it hit me again just as I got out of the shower that day and dried myself off in front of the mirror. It was odd. In my head, I still saw myself as I had looked my whole life. I'd never noticed the layers of fat I had accumulated. I guess it's because I knew it was always only a matter of time before they evaporated.

  The emotions that overcame me when I remembered her addictive smile were supposed to startle me, or at least make my heart heavy, knowing that someone other than Sarah was getting me all worked up, but in fact, those emotions only made me happy, which was a very pleasant surprise.

  "Hi, Don, I'm so sorry to do this, but..."

  The preview in the texting app only showed me the beginning of an incoming message from Michelle, and I wasn’t going to open it and read it.

  I already guessed the end of her sentence. She was sorry about something, and that meant that the message was not of a positive nature, so I decided not to read it. I decided not to give her the digital certificate that confirmed I got her cancelation message.

  "Just ignore her and continue to get ready. If she's a good thing, she'll work out easily," I said aloud to myself.

  "Don, did you get my message?"

  "I wouldn’t want you to show up at the…"

  Once again, I read only the part that previewed from her second and third messages, and an even bigger smile spread across my face.

  "Oh, she's such a coward." I looked right at the phone’s screen and continued talking to her by proxy. "If you want to apologize for canceling our second date, you're welcome to do so, but face to face. I'm sorry, Michelle." I shrugged my shoulders. "As far as you know, I didn't see any of your cowardly messages."

  I laughed and brushed my teeth, shaking my head to the rhythm of my ringtone. Michelle called me time and again, yet I kept on letting the phone ring and simply enjoyed the music.

  If there’s no audience, there can't be a show.

  I don't remember who told me this phrase, but I'm sure it wasn't in this context. In any case, I easily recognized that Michelle was having a hard time with herself. I took a crash course in dealing with such behaviors at the beginning of my relationship with Sarah. She, too, had a hard time admitting that she liked me. I made the first decisions without allowing her to speak her mind, too, thus leading us to live happily. At least for a good few years.

  I waited in line to get a table and counted the number of messages Michelle had sent over the past two hours. She did her best to reach me, I'll give her that. Fourteen messages and three missed calls, but I insisted on being disconnected until I entered the restaurant doors where we arranged to meet.

  "Do you need to get that?" The hostess asked when my ringtone started playing again.

  "Um... No. It's my date for this perfect evening."

  "Then you should answer it. Tell her you're here already or see if she has a problem or something."

  "No need. I know why she's calling. She wants to cancel our date."

  "Oh... ah..." The distaste was extremely evident on the hostess’s face.

  "Don't worry, everything is fine. She won't cancel."

  "Are you sure?" she asked as my phone started ringing again. "It seems like she really wants to talk to you. Maybe she doesn’t want to—"

  "She wants to cancel our date. I know she does, but she has to reach me to do so, right? So if you can kindly direct me to our table, I'll be able to plan how I'm going to win her over with my charming wit and overwhelming personality."

  "That I will! Don't worry. I'm sure that once she sits down and you two start talking, she'll be head over heels in no time."

  "I might just need some help to get her to stay long enough to get to know me."

  I wasn’t surprised that my words had a major impact on the hostess. I always knew the right thing to say, and I always said it at the exact right time. Maybe that's why I was so sure that Michelle would show up for our date that evening as I sat down at the table that was reserved for us.

  "So? What's the verdict? It's been another ten minutes."

  "I'm sorry, what are we talking about?" I asked the impatient waiter that tried to rush me.

  "You said I should ask you again later, so here I am. Would you like to order something?"

  "I'll wait for my date, thank you."

  "Um... okay." His eye roll irritated me, but I chose not to comment on that.

  "She'll show up." The hostess suddenly appeared from behind. "She wouldn’t dare to miss out on someone like you." Her pleasant words seemed more like words of consolation in view of her compassionate expression, and I suddenly became filled with concerns that weren’t there before.

  I tried to put myself in Michelle's shoes and determine if I really hadn’t left her any other option, besides showing up at the restaurant for our second date. She didn't seem like the insensitive type that would let me sit here and wait for her, and I certainly didn't feel like I wasn't her type or that she wasn’t interested in me. Yet the minutes passed, and Michelle still wasn’t sitting in front of me.

  "This is on the house." That same waiter placed a tall glass of beer on my table and woke my taste buds up.

  "I'm not so sure my date is going to like the fact that I'm drinking beer."

  "If so, you're lucky she never showed up. I mean… That she hasn't arrived yet." He swallowed awkwardly and slid the glass closer to me. "Go ahead! Hurry up before it's too late."

  "She's here!" The hostess raised her voice, and every single person there stared at Michelle, standing in front of her. "Don! Don! She's here!" the hostess went on with enthusiasm, and I gave the beer back to the waiter, so she wouldn’t see it.

  This time I took a good long look at Michelle. I didn’t let myself get lost in her angel eyes. I actually looked at her and tried to understand what she was going through. I saw her hesitant posture, her gaze dropping to the floor in an attempt not to make eye contact with those around her, her heavy-hearted steps to where I sat waiting, and her smile. Oh, that smile. Even though she wanted to die or kill me, she smiled when she saw that I was smiling at her.

  "Can you please explain to me why is it that every time I see you, I find myself facing the harsh looks of everyone else?"

  "Damn, Michelle. You look wonderful tonight." I ignored her claims and took a deep breath as her eyes resting on mine felt so natural.

  "And why the hell are you so hard to reach?"

  "I'm not hard to reach. Ask every girl who knows me from high school. I'm as easy as they come."

  "I tried to reach you, and you ignored me."

  "I have no idea what you're talking about. I was here all along. Why? Where were you looking for me?"

  "I sent you plenty of text messages, I called, is there a problem with your phone?"

  "Nope. My phone is magic. It did exactly what I wanted it to do. Now, sit down, please."

  "I... I'm not going to sit down, Don. I came here just to tell you that—"

  "Hello." That waiter finally put his impatience to good use and interrupted her goodbye speech. "Glad to see you made it. Sit down, please. We were waiting for you." He pulled her chair out, and I knew she wouldn’t dare offend him with a blunt refusal.

  "You, young sir, have just doubled your tip!" I winked at him after she sat down. "Now, could you give us just a few minutes to decide on our order?"

  "Is thi
s where you eat regularly or something?"

  "It is absolutely not a regular place of dining for me. It's my first time here."

  "If so, my assumption about you was right."

  "It might be. What was your assumption?"

  "I was trying to figure what's behind your ability to influence everyone in a way that..." She paused, took a deep breath, and then went on. "Never mind. It's really shitty of you to ignore important text messages."

  "Honestly, Michele, I don’t know what you're talking about. I didn’t ignore any important messages."

  "We both know that's exactly what you did, Don."

  "I absolutely did not. I plead not guilty for lack of evidence, Michelle."

  "You're lying."

  "And you're being hurtful. You know that good communication is the most important thing a couple can have at the beginning of their romantic relationship and for you to imply that—"

  "Hand your phone over." She stretched out her palm, and I placed the device happily in it. "I knew it. See?"

  "See what?"

  "Here, look at all the messages I sent you earlier. The messages you ignored."

  "Oh, you were talking about those messages? I thought you said something about important messages."

  "All of those were important."

  "There must be some confusion since these don’t fall under that definition."

  "Why not? Of course, they’re important. I was trying to tell you I wasn’t going to come here tonight."

  "How can that message be important when here you are, sitting in front of me? You're funny." I motioned the waiter to come back and breathed a sigh of relief when she didn’t stand up and walk away.

  In the short time I'd known her, I managed to learn that she was reluctant to speak her mind, and I took advantage of that while coaxing her to pick a dish from the menu. I hoped that doing so would keep her on our second date. Long enough for her to be convinced to stay until its end.

  "Anything else, ma'am?" The waiter asked as she finished giving him her order.