A Great Big Love

by Alona Jarden

  "Now, you're talking!" Her smile stretched even wider, but I could easily recognize that she was still in great pain. "At least now I have something to wait for, and that might help me endure a family gathering at your parents’ house."

  "As if you had any other option but to come here tonight." I exhaled in frustration, knowing that she wouldn’t have arrived had she not been willing.

  For the past few months, every day, I discovered something new about Michelle. Her stubbornness was one of the first things I came to learn, but it was also one of the most challenging and intriguing qualities I loved about her. I took all her tantrums as a game, and although I did my best to win each time, I kept my spirit up when, in most cases, I was on the losing side.

  "Is there anything you'd like to know about my parents before we go in?"

  "Yes. I want to know if you told them I was fat."

  "I most certainly didn’t!" I lied and frowned at her for thinking that about me. "Why would I do that?"

  "Why wouldn’t you? Why would you hide it? They'll recognize I'm fat as soon as I walk in, won't they?" She gestured to her body, which was even more stubborn than her when it came to reducing its measurement.

  "What? What are you pointing at? We're not where we were six months ago, anymore. You already know that your weight is not what characterizes you, so why would you bring that up now? God, you can be such a nag sometimes."

  "I'm not a... phew…" She exhaled and looked out the window.

  "You aren't what? You don't want to meet my parents?"

  "I don't want to walk in and find myself in front of astonished eyes, that's all. I don't want them to hate me before they even get to know me."

  "Ahhhhh…" I smiled at her just as I parked my car outside my parents' house. "If that's what you're worried about, you can be quite relaxed."

  "Ugh!" She gathered her evening bag and got ready to leave the car. "Is this the stage of the conversation where you take off to live in a romantic and unrealistic movie? Are you going to tell me how they're going to love me no matter what and that I have no reason to fear meeting them?"

  "If I drift off to live in any type of movie, it'll be a documentary, because I know exactly what's going to happen in there. My father may love you regardless of anything, yet it'll be because he, like his son, has a weakness for pretty women with big breasts, but you can rest assured that my mom will hate you no matter what you do or say."

  "How is that supposed to make me relaxed? Why would she hate me?"

  "Because you're fat!" I quickly dodged her punch to my shoulder, went around the car, opened the door for her, and continued only after seeing her eyes were broadcasting she wasn't taking my words as a joke like I meant them. "You have to understand that you are the spitting image of everything she tried to keep me away from in recent years. She'll hate you, but it has nothing to do with you. It's all about her."

  "That didn't calm me down, Don."

  "How can it not?" I tried to figure out if she really didn't understand where I was going with this "If you know the end result of this evening, you have no reason to be worrying about it. She'll hate you, and there's nothing you can do to change that, so just have fun with it."

  "You're kidding, right? Is this one of your moronic jokes I don’t get, or are you actually serious?" She took my hand, and I helped her stand in front of me as she blinked with addictive sweetness. "She's not really going to hate me, is she?"

  "What if she does?" I pulled her by my side and walked with her to the door and added, "That means that from this moment on, this family gathering can only get better, don't you see?"

  For her sake, I pretended not to be stressed out, but the truth was that my knees were shaking.

  Sure I told my mother about Michelle's high body fat percentage. I did that two days after we met, and I mentioned that this was her current state when I confirmed our attendance for my father's birthday party. Just like Michelle, I, too, was worried about my mother’s judgmental looks. She expressed her protest about me being with Michelle numerous times before. Mom didn’t understand why I wanted “such a girl” on my side after I was finally able to get my life on a healthier path. No matter how many times I explained to her that the healthier path I'm walking is after Michelle's footsteps, my mother was still worried about me.

  "Hello there! Welcome!" The door opened seconds before I could open it myself and my mother stood there with a huge smile on her face and greeted us, or more accurately, she greeted Michelle excessively and obsessively.

  "Very nice to meet you, I'm Michelle." She reached her hand out toward my mother.

  "Oh, you're so cute." My mother pulled Michelle in and clutched her body in a strange embrace that should have raised suspicions in my mind at that very moment, but it didn’t. "Well, I'm Simone, and in our family, we don’t shake hands, we hug. But you'll learn that for yourself soon enough, sweetie," Mom completed and immediately pulled Michelle after her into the living room, completely ignoring my presence beside her.

  "Well, hello, young lady." My father got up from his armchair and reached out his hand to Michelle for a squeeze.

  "Embrace her, Noah," My mother shouted from behind him. "What are you shaking her hand like that for? I told her that in our family, we hug." My father and Michelle exchanged a few awkward glances, and Mom continued to bully him as she gave him a nudge. "Come on, hug her. Go on!"

  "Ah... I actually wouldn’t mind hugging a beautiful woman!" He tugged on Michelle's hand and clung to her for an embarrassing hug.

  I remained standing still at the entrance and was stunned. I tried to understand the meaning of the fake courtesy parade produced before me, but couldn’t for the life of me figure it out.

  I told Michelle it was time for her to meet my parents, but where the hell were they? Where were the people tearing up with laughter when a chair I was sitting on falls apart? Where were the ones who thought Michelle wasn’t for me? Where were those people who claimed it was too soon and inappropriate to invite my girlfriend to my father's birthday party?

  "Well, come in already." My father turned to me. "Why are you standing there like a schmuck?"

  "I don't even know if I'm in the right house. What's with all this hugging? Did you take a few puffs before we came in?"

  "Oh, what are you talking about, Don?" My mother waved her hand at me and hurried to fold it into Michelle's arm. "Forget about him with his nonsense. Come on. Come and help me a little in the kitchen so us girls can chat for a while." She didn't wait for Michelle to respond and just dragged her away from me.

  I could only imagine what went through Michelle's mind in those seconds. She must have wanted to kill me. I promised her they would hate her, and instead, they treated her exactly how she feared they would. Like a special needs girl. If I went into her parents' house and found such a fake smile parade, I would probably be looking for the fastest getaway route out of there.

  "Can you help me make sense of what just happened?" I turned to my father as soon as we were left alone in the living room.

  "Don, do me a favor." He immediately returned to his armchair. "It's my birthday today, and your mother is driving me crazy, so play along just like I do, and let it be, okay?"

  "Let what be? You two look like a couple of mental people."

  "I feel like it too, but do you really believe I had a say in any of this? I just wanted to celebrate my birthday quietly, but she needs to... Well, you'll find out soon enough." He shook his head in disapproval.

  "What? What will I find out later?"

  "You'll have to wait and see, Don. I'm sure that by the end of this evening, you'll regret coming here."

  "Dad, that’s not funny. Michelle is going to kill me. Tell me what Mom's planning right now."

  "I love you, Son, but I love your mom a little more. She swore me to secrecy, and unfortunately, you're stuck with this freak show for the rest of the evening."

  "I can't stand you, guy." I smiled at him. "You know I can just arrange
an early ending to this evening, don’t you?"

  "Oh, but can you really? Do you not know your crazy mom?" He continued laughing. "Do you really think she left any of you an option to escape?"

  "See?" My mother returned with a plate of vegetable slices in her hand. "The boys are doing just fine without us," she continued, talking to Michelle, who was right behind her and also held a plate with some kind of leaves that looked tasteless on it.

  "Are you okay?" I asked Michelle when I saw her staring furiously at me.

  "Sure, she's fine," My mother answered in her place. "She's here, isn't it? Don't worry, Don. Starting today, she's a part of our family.

  "Michelle? Are you alright?" I repeated.

  "She's just fine. Relax. We'll sit down and celebrate your father's birthday soon. Do you know that it's Noah's birthday today?" She turned to Michelle.

  "I do, yeah... Umm—" Michelle couldn't answer before my mother took over the conversation again and went on.

  "Oh, look at me, talking like a crazy person. Of course, you know. That's the only reason you agreed to come in the first place, isn’t it? You know that I kept asking Don for you to—"

  "Mother!" I raised my voice and aggressively drew her attention to me. "Please breathe. You've been talking nonstop for the past five minutes."

  "I'm talking to Michelle, Don." Such a strange tone of speech came out from my mother, and I almost didn't recognize her.

  "You're talking to yourself. Michelle hasn't said a single word since she walked through the door."

  "I… I…" Michelle stammered, and the blush, which I usually loved so much so see, painted her beautiful face in lovely shades of pink.

  "See what you did, Don? You embarrassed her," my mother scolded.

  "I did? Oh my God, you've gone absolutely mad, woman!"

  "Don’t talk to me that way, I'm your mother."

  "Simone, back off," my father dared to intervene from his safe seat in his armchair. Apparently, he, too, understood that the exaggerated performance had to come to its end.

  "Don't get involved, Noah. You said you didn't want to take any part in anything related to this evening, so keep quiet."

  "What does that mean?" I turned to him. "What's the problem with what's about to happen this evening?" I frowned at him. "And why don't you want to take any part in it?"

  "It's not you guys coming that worried me, it's the other stuff that she has planned for later on." My father pointed a brave finger at my mother.

  "Mom, I'm warning you not to make any unfortunate mistakes. What have you planned for later on?"

  "Um... Wait a second," Michelle cleared her throat and mumbled. I turned my head toward her immediately, but my mother was less attentive to her than I hoped and went on with her madness.

  "That's how you choose to act on your father's birthday?"

  "I'm behaving like my normal self, Mom. I'm blunt, impolite, and being rude. That's how you raised me, and that's how you claimed to love me, but who are you? You didn't even let Michelle speak for one second."

  "I didn’t?" My mother raised her voice. "I was being nice to her from the moment she came in. You know what? I was nice from even before you came in. I stood waiting for you in the window so that I could greet you at the door, but you? You walk in here like a typical caveman and—"

  "Have you two lost your minds?" A wild roar was emitted from Michelle's direction. "Don mentioned that you're not a typical family, but this is too much."

  "Michelle, I just wanted to—" My mother tried to calm her down.

  "Wanted to do what?" Michelle interrupted, not letting her. "Just wanted to be nice? To show the fat woman she's being welcomed with open arms? Who pulls someone in for a hug when they're reaching out to shake your hand?"

  "My thoughts exactly!" My father smirked from his armchair.

  "And you?" She immediately turned to look at him. "What are you laughing about?"

  "What did I do?" His laughter only grew louder as the anger managed to cloud Michelle’s state of mind.

  "Nothing. You did nothing!"

  "That's right. So why are you—"

  "Why didn't you do something? Why didn't you stand up for your rights? You clearly didn't want me to celebrate your birthday with you, so why didn’t you say something?" She leaned over him. "I bet all you wanted was to spend a quiet evening in your armchair and watch TV, am I right?"

  "Ummm... If I say yes, you'll yell at me, so I'm pleading the fifth." He winked at her and caused her to turn her anger toward me since he made me laugh.

  "And you!" The tip of her finger trembled as she pointed it at me, and I smiled at her, preparing for the hit. "You're a God damn liar!"

  "How am I a liar? I told you in the car that—"

  "You said your mother would hate me. I can handle parents disliking me, but this?" She turned to them again. "This I can't handle. You're all a bunch of crazy people. All of you!"

  Within a split second, we were all laughing.

  My mother was the first to apologize for her behavior and to explain that she was driven by her strong desire to please the woman who managed to get me out of my house. My father opened his mouth immediately after and justified his behavior by being willing to do anything he would have been asked to do, as long as he'd get some birthday sex from my mom. Finally, after I saw that Michelle laughed wholeheartedly, I hugged her and whispered in her ear that I loved her.

  "I really am sorry, Michelle." My mother turned to her in a tone that was a little more familiar to me. "I was so excited about your visit. I wanted the evening to be a success, but in fact, I destroyed it even before it began."

  "I demand to know what was planned next." I turned to my father. "Now, can you tell me what you were talking about earlier?"

  "Trust me, Son. You don’t want to know." He laughed hard. "Just thank God it's canceled."

  Half an hour later, it was impossible to guess that the evening started on such a bad note. My mother was flattered by the fact that Michelle loved the healthy dishes she made, and my father laughed wholeheartedly with every sarcastic and witty comment Michelle shared with him.

  Everyone was having fun, as I tried to understand what the meaning of the looks Michelle sent me from time to time was all about.

  "Is everything okay?" I leaned over and whispered in her ear.

  "That annoying back pain is killing me."

  "Who cares about your back? I'm asking about the food. Is it okay?"

  "You idiot." She kissed me. "I'm really not feeling well."

  "You can tell the GP all about it tomorrow morning."

  "What are you talking about? I have no doctor's appointment."

  "What a coincident!" I wrinkled my chin. "I do! If you'll be nice to me later on, I'll allow you to join me."

  "Did you schedule a doctor's appointment for me?"

  "I wouldn’t do that, Michelle. I told you before. Your back pain doesn't interest me anymore. My stomach hurts, so I scheduled an appointment for myself."

  "You're a liar. What's wrong with you?"

  "I have a girlfriend who won't put out. My balls have been blue for months now, Michelle. I read about it, and there are many physical dangers to this condition. I actually think I'm going to die, but if you think your back is in worse shape than my blue balls, I'm willing to share my GP appointment for tomorrow with you."

  Chapter 23

  Michelle

  "Good morning." Dr. Reingold greeted Don with a British accent and then looked directly at me and continued with a mischievous grin. "Top of the morning to you too."

  "Hey," I replied reluctantly.

  "Well, this is fun! The two most important people in my life finally meet!" Don cracked loud and full of energy. "Doctor, I'm so glad to introduce you to Michelle." He placed his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. "This is the girl I was telling you about."

  "The one who won't put out?"

  "Her and no another," Don confirmed that he really did mention the fact that I had
n’t yet agreed to sleep with him, and I actually thought I was going to die. Or at least to kill him. No. That wouldn’t have been enough. I honestly wanted to die.

  "I understand that my reputation precedes me, so with your permission, I'll present myself. It's very pleasant to meet you, I'm Michelle."

  "The pleasure is all mine, Michelle. I'm Dr. Reingold."

  "Tell me, Doctor, how do you put up with him?" I sat down in the chair opposite him and shook my head in disagreement with the whole situation.

  "I put up with a lot worse than him for money, my dear. I get paid quite a bit to endure your cute boyfriend's nonsense." He also sat down in his chair, then continued. "Since I know you're not getting paid, the real question is, why are you doing this to yourself?"

  "Very funny, Doc." Don sat down next to me and growled. "See? I told you he was funny."

  "Yes, yes." I waved my hand and refused to look at him. "I heard all about you and your promises." I recalled the start of last night at his parents' house and slowly exhaled. "You'll have to excuse me if I don’t trust anything you'll say from now on."

  "By the way," Dr. Reingold intervened, "that's my professional advice if you plan to share your life with Don." He winked at me and moved to look at Don, holding out his open palm toward him. "Do you have your health insurance card with you?"

  "Go on, Michelle. Give him your card."

  "You?" Dr. Reingold looks confused and turned to Don. "You said the appointment was for you, didn’t you? You sounded in genuine pain when we spoke. Do you feel better already?"

  "I'm fine." Don rushed to answer him, and his guilty look raised my curiosity. "We came this morning for Michelle."

  "Oh, please, Don. Tell me it's not true." I turned to him. "Did you lie to your doctor to get an urgent appointment for me?"

  "I swear, Don," Dr. Reingold began glaring at him, "if everything we talked about last night was false, I’ll be very upset with you."

  "You'll be upset with me? What are you? My wife?" A naughty smile stretched across Don's face. "You can both relax. I didn't lie to either one of you."