To Haveand To Hold

by Patricia Gaffney

  The brief exchange surprised her. She’d taken Sebastian at his word when he’d said Wyckerley was only a stopping place for him while he waited for his real inheritance. Why invest in local enterprises, then? Just because he was a businessman and that was the practical thing to do? Probably. No doubt. To speculate that he meant to stay any longer than he absolutely had to was self-deluding. It would also violate the two strategies for survival to which she was adhering with iron determination: live only for the moment, and hope for nothing.

  The minister and William left together. “Wait for me,” Sebastian said softly from the doorway, leaving her in the study while he went to show them out.

  She’d almost forgotten about the Broad Arrow. The dread and the irrational fear she’d felt before had diminished to manageable dimensions. After all, it was only a piece of cloth. And now she could even guess who had sent it.

  Sebastian returned. He paused in the doorway to look at her, and she had time to reflect on the ways in which he’d changed from the bored, sophisticated, impeccably dressed gentleman who had rescued her at the magistrates’ hearing. He seemed bigger, for one thing, a perception not altogether in her mind, since lately he’d taken to joining his estate laborers in pursuits as un-genteel as haymaking and fence mending. What the parish thought of such eccentric behavior in their new viscount she could hardly imagine. He might be doing it for a lark, but the end result was that he looked handsomer than ever. The summer sun had ruddied his skin and lightened his soft brown hair, which had grown unfashionably but becomingly long. More subtly, his blasé, unsurprised and unsurprisable manner was gone, replaced by a new alertness. He radiated energy. He no longer looked like someone who not only knew everything but was also tired of it. He looked like a man who was finding it an agreeable surprise to learn that his life wasn’t going quite as predictably as he’d thought it would.

  Right now he looked worried. “What’s the matter?” he asked, closing the study door and coming toward her. “I could tell something was wrong as soon as you came in. What is it?”

  It almost seemed silly now. She pulled the square of coarse linen out of her pocket and held it out to him. “This was at the post office today, in a package addressed to me.”

  He frowned. “What is it?”

  She told him.

  His face hardened. “Who sent it?”

  “There was no note, no sender’s address. Just this. It upset me at first, but—”

  “Yes, of course, you—”

  “But I’m fine now, truly. It was only a prank, and there’s no harm done. I’m surprised something like it hasn’t happened before. It’s really—”

  He made an impatient sound, interrupting her. He grabbed the cloth from her hand, flung it to the floor, and reached for her, forcibly pulling her into a close embrace. At once all the pain and mortification resurfaced, and she was amazed to find herself fighting back tears. “Bastards,” he muttered against her hair. “Ruddy sodding bastards. If I could prove they did this, I’d make them pay.”

  “Who?”

  “Sully, who else? Him and his worthless mates.”

  “Sully!” She pulled back to look at him. That possibility had never occurred to her. “I thought . . .”

  “What?”

  “Perhaps I’m mistaken. I shouldn’t say.”

  “Rachel, tell me whom you suspect.”

  “But if I’m wrong—”

  “Tell me.”

  “All right. I thought it might be Lydia. She despises me—I couldn’t tell you the things she said to me that day. She could have done this. Easily. I think it was she.”

  He slipped his fingers into the hair at the back of her neck, soothing her. “If it was she, she won’t do it again, I promise you that.”

  “What will you do?”

  “Speak to her. Threaten her if I have to.”

  “Oh, no. Please don’t do that.”

  “Why not?”

  “Because she’s not well, not responsible. I think her hatred of me has affected her mind. If you talk to her about this—she might grow worse. She might do something more.”

  He considered that. “Very well, but I will speak to her aunt. Don’t worry, I won’t eat her; I’ll tell her what we suspect and advise her to keep a sharper eye on her niece, nothing more.” He stroked her cheek with his thumb. “Is that all right?”

  The novelty of being asked for her approval kept her silent for a few seconds. “Yes. But, of course, it might not be Lydia at all.”

  “True. Another reason why I’ll be gentle.”

  He was gentle now, brushing her damp lashes with his fingertips. He stroked her lips with his tear-wet fingers and then kissed her, tasting her with the tip of his tongue. She was helpless when he touched her like this, in thrall to his erotic tenderness. “Come to me tonight,” he murmured, nuzzling her lips, finding the most sensitive places to kiss. “I have something to give you.”

  “But you mustn’t give me any more gifts.”

  “You’ll like this one.”

  “No, Sebastian, I mean it, I don’t want anything.”

  “This isn’t a gift. Or not a thing, I should say.” A devilish glint in his eyes made her stomach flutter. “You’re blushing. God, how pretty you are.”

  “I’m not blushing.” She wasn’t pretty either, but when he looked at her like this, she felt as if she were. “I have to go, have to get . . . a bed ready in the servants’ quarters for the new maid, tell the others . . .” She sighed and let him go on kissing her, because he was just too hard to resist. He could melt her with the simplest touch, sometimes with only a look. She thought of the brittle, ice-cold woman she’d been, dreading the thought of a man’s touch, because she’d only known one kind of touching and it had been horrific.

  Ironic that the man who could bring her body to life was exactly like her late husband in one way—interested in her sexually to the point of obsession. But the comparison ended there, because Sebastian only wanted to give her pleasure, and Randolph could only find pleasure in giving her pain. Sebastian insisted the two extremes were a little closer than she thought, to some even indistinguishable. The key, he said, was consent, and she had never consented to Randolph’s cruelties. She’d never consented to Sebastian’s softer ravishment either, and yet she’d taken a secret, incipient pleasure in it.

  It was all so confusing. What he knew and she didn’t know about sex could fill half the library in the British Museum.

  “Come at ten o’clock,” he instructed in a warm whisper, breathing in her ear. “The time is important, so be punctual. But don’t be early or it’ll spoil the surprise. Will you come?”

  Once more he hadn’t ordered, he’d asked. But did it really matter? His eyes held such a sweet, tantalizing promise, it was hard to think of any circumstances under which she’d have refused him.

  ***

  “Everything is in readiness, my lord.”

  “Good. Right on time, too. Preest, you’re a treasure.”

  “Thank you, my lord.” The valet inclined his totally bald head in dignified acknowledgment.

  “And you were discreet about the arrangements, were you?”

  He looked hurt. “Of course, my lord.

  “Of course.” Preest relied on years of experience in arranging romantic assignations; discretion, after reticence, was his finest quality.

  “Will there be anything else, my lord?”

  Sebastian thought of asking him about the status of below-stairs gossip concerning Mrs. Wade and Lord D’Aubrey. The answer would tell him not only what was being said at the Hall but in the village as well, one being so intimately connected with the other. But he couldn’t bring himself to mention her name, not even to Preest. Remarkable, considering how freely he used to discuss with friends and acquaintances the most private details of his amorous liaisons. It was expecte
d; it was part of the sport. Now the shallowness of that behavior embarrassed him. He would as willingly speak of Rachel in public as strip her, or himself, naked in a roomful of strangers. Unthinkable. She was private. She was his.

  “No, there’s nothing. Good night, Preest.”

  “Good night, my lord.”

  Exactly four minutes later, a soft knock sounded at the door. Sebastian smiled to himself, came off the bed, and padded barefoot across the room to the door. “Perfect,” he greeted her, taking her hand and pulling her inside.

  “You said ten.”

  “I don’t mean the timing. You.”

  She gave a little shake of her head, which was how she dismissed most of his compliments. He was wearing nothing but a pair of black trousers, and her light-eyed gaze traveled from his face to his feet and back again with frank interest. He felt his body tighten. Steady on, he told himself, the night is young. The night is a mere infant.

  He brushed his lips across the backs of her fingers. “You look beautiful, Rachel.”

  “The dress is beautiful. Thank you.”

  It had arrived from the dressmakers last week; tonight was the first time she’d worn it. “It suits you.” It was lovely, relying on simplicity and the rich, understated garnet color for its graceful effect. “If you would let me . . . ah, well.” Useless, he knew, to try to persuade her to take everything he wanted to give her—more beautiful dresses, soft, feminine underclothes, shoes and boots, kid gloves and saucy hats, parasols, embroidered handkerchiefs, fans, reticules—all the pretty, frivolous, beguiling items in a fashionable lady’s wardrobe. She wasn’t a fashionable lady, she argued, she was a housekeeper. He would press the point again, but not tonight. Tonight they would have no disagreements.

  “Your gift is in the bathroom.”

  She looked dismayed. “But you said it wasn’t a gift.”

  “I said it wasn’t a thing.”

  “What is it, then?”

  “Come and see.”

  Preest had done well, he saw at a glance. Candles warmed the room’s marble surfaces with a mellow, rose-colored light, repeated in mirrored reflections everywhere. There was a new rug—white bear fur; it felt wickedly soft under his bare toes. Fresh peonies crowded a glass bowl on the edge of the sink, perfuming the air. Next to them, champagne cooled in a silver bucket. A stack of thick, fleecy towels, a basket of scents and soaps, a platter of fresh fruit—verily, the stage was set for the softest seduction he’d ever attempted.

  Rachel was looking puzzled, eyeing the sudsy, steaming tub. “Are you going to bathe?”

  He smiled at her, enchanted. “No, darling, you are. My gift to you is a bath.”

  “Oh.” Delicate pink color stole into her cheeks. Her lips curved up at the corners. “But I’m . . . already clean.” The blush deepened.

  He laughed softly. “Cleanliness isn’t the only object in bathing.”

  “It isn’t?”

  “No, indeed. Now, you have a choice of undressing yourself or letting me do it for you. Either way, we mustn’t dawdle or the water will get cold. Which would you like?”

  She couldn’t meet his eyes, but she couldn’t stop smiling. “I’m a little embarrassed,” she confessed.

  He drew her close and put his cheek next to hers. “Don’t be—that would ruin everything. I want to spoil you tonight, Rachel, pamper you and make you sigh. But I can’t if you’re ashamed. I’ve seen you without your clothes before. I love your body. It’s perfect.” She started to say something, but he stopped her with a lingering kiss. Under his hands, she went soft and pliant, swaying against him. “I’ve forgotten how this opens,” he said after a moment of deeply pleasurable fumbling.

  “In the back,” she breathed with her eyes closed.

  “Turn around, then.”

  She did, and together they watched in the steamy cheval glass as her clothes fell away and slipped to the floor. He kept her still with his hands on her stomach. “You seer Perfect.” She didn’t know what he would do next, where he might touch her, and it was exciting to watch her lips part and her nostrils flare a little while she waited, taking quick, silent breaths. Their eyes met in the mirror. “Hop in the tub,” he said huskily. “Before it gets cold.” He took his hands away, but he couldn’t resist a slow kiss on top of her shoulder.

  She moved away, and he leaned back against the lavatory to watch her sleek, graceful, fascinating entry into his bathtub. She tested the water with her hand first, then turned her back to him to step over the edge of the tub, first her right leg and then her left. Crouched in half, she lowered her pretty backside into the water, giving little hiccuping gasps with every inch of new flesh she submerged.

  “Too hot?” he inquired, and she shook her head and made a low, ecstatic moan he took to mean no. When she was seated in the tub with water up to her rib cage, he brought her the basket of soaps and oils. “Which do you like?” He handed her the soaps, one by one, and uncorked all the little glass vials for her to sniff—oil of roses, oil of orange peels, sweet almond, lavender, lily of the valley.

  “How can I choose?” she wondered, but eventually she decided on bayberry soap and oil of bergamot.

  “Excellent choice,” he approved, like a wine steward, pouring the oil for her and swirling it in the water. “Sweet, feminine, and substantial. Subtle. Like you. Now lie back and relax.”

  She smiled dreamily and obeyed. “This is a sin, isn’t it?”

  “If it isn’t, we’re not doing it right. Here, take this.”

  She opened her eyes. “Oh, my,” she said when she saw the glass in his hand. “I’ve never drunk champagne before. It is champagne, isn’t it?”

  “Drink it slowly or it’ll go straight to your head.”

  She took a minuscule sip and wrinkled her nose. “Tickles,” was her initial pronouncement. Her second was more favorable: “Ooh, la.”

  “Like it?”

  “Mmm. Sebastian?”

  “Here.”

  “Am I in heaven?”

  “Not yet.” He took the soap and a rough-textured sponge and moved to the end of the tub, drawing up a stool. “Foot, please.” She didn’t move; she looked blank. “Foot, please. Thank you.” He hooked her heel over the rim of the tub and began to rub soap between her toes.

  It made her squeal, then suck in her breath through her teeth. But she didn’t try to escape; she slid farther down, keeping her elbows on the edges of the tub to stay afloat, and balanced the wineglass on her chest. “Now I’m in heaven,” she declared on a long, satisfied sigh.

  “You’re not even halfway there.” Ah, but what a sight she was with her long leg cocked up at that wanton angle, her breasts bobbing in the warm water, just the nipples breaking the surface. Her dark hair curled on the ends in the humid air, and her eyes were closed, her face relaxed, almost slack from pure pleasure.

  She opened her eyes when she heard him chuckle. “Why are you laughing?”

  “I’m thinking there should be a medal for the kind of willpower it’s taking for me to keep my hands off you. Except for your feet.”

  “The Order of the Bath?”

  He looked at her in surprise. “That’s funny.”

  “What?”

  “What you just said. You made a joke.”

  “Did you think I was incapable of it?”

  “You never have before.”

  She thought that over. “Maybe someone has to be washing my feet to bring it out of me.”

  He chuckled again. That was joke number two. He remembered that one-half of his goal was to make her laugh, but it had never occurred to him that her making him laugh might be just as good. “You’re wonderful,” he told her, reaching for her other foot. She only smiled, and shifted her long body to accommodate him. Progress was being made before his eyes. If his patience held out, part two of the goal would be, as William Holyoa
ke would say, a lead pipe cinch.

  When he finished washing her feet, he added more hot water to the tub from one of the copper ewers Preest had thoughtfully left. “Sit up,” he instructed Rachel, moving his stool to the head of the tub. She sat up, and he set about the pleasurable task of washing her back and shoulders.

  “Oh, I can do it,” she protested halfheartedly.

  “I’m sure. But isn’t this better?”

  She agreed on another soft, drawn out moan.

  “Your skin feels like wet silk.” He soaped her breasts, leaning over her from behind, holding their soft weight in his palms and slicking his thumbs across the perky nipples. Her head came back, and he stole a kiss from her parted lips while he slid his soapy hands down to her abdomen, and finally, under water, to the soft hair between her legs. Stroking her there, just for a moment, he listened to her gasp, and felt the springy tendons in her inner thighs begin to quiver. She turned her head and pressed her lips to his neck. He took his hands away with deep reluctance. “Time for a shampoo,” he decided, and this time she acquiesced without a murmur.

  He liked the small, neat feel of her skull under the lather. Her long neck looked fragile, vulnerable, almost too slender to support the weight of her soapy head. She had her eyes closed, forearms dangling limply over her bent knees. She looked half asleep, but she said in a soft, clear voice, “I know why you’re doing this. All of it, the bath, the soaps. The delicacies you tell Judelet to make for me. Dandy. I understand why you give me these gifts.”

  After a moment he said slowly, “If you understand, then there’s no need for us to talk about it. Do you agree?”

  She thought for a second, then said, “No. I need to thank you.”

  ‘Ah, now there you’re wrong. Thanks is the last thing I want from you.”

  “What do you want from me?”

  “Nothing.”

  She gave a small shake of her head. She disagreed.

  “What I want is for you to be happy. As happy with me as you were unhappy in prison. If that’s possible. I want . . .” I want to heal you, he almost said, but it would have sounded too arrogant, even for him. How could he explain the compulsion he felt to purge all her memories of loneliness and cruelty? His methods were crude: he gave her scents and perfumes to eradicate the stench of prison, sweets and trifles and breads made from white flour, pretty, soft-textured clothes, a silly yellow dog for a boon companion. The elaborate scene he’d set tonight in this voluptuous bathroom wasn’t even a seduction, not in the usual sense. He wanted to introduce her body to the ultimate pleasure—yes, of course, but even more, he wanted to ravish her mind, erase the past from it so that nothing existed but here and now. He wanted her to start over. He wanted her reborn.