See You in Hell

by Demelza Carlton

  Gerry saw her hurry past and commented, "You look wet. Did you get caught in the rain?"

  Mel stopped and nodded. "Soaked through."

  "Didn't you bring an umbrella or a change of clothes?" he asked sympathetically.

  Mel blushed. "I had an umbrella, but it didn't do much, and I didn't plan on needing a change of clothes..."

  Lili's head popped up above her partition. "Oh, I keep a spare pair of pants for after-work parties, in case I..." She trailed off and flashed a suggestive smile. "You can borrow them if you like."

  Mel smiled at Lili. "Thank you, but I'll be all right."

  Inwardly, she shuddered at the thought of wearing Lili's pants without her underwear. That would be terribly awkward, she felt. Not to mention the rumour that Lili was Lucifer's mistress – given Luce evidently slept around a bit, or attempted to, he'd probably been in those pants on numerous occasions.

  Gerry looked worried. "Now, you know you'll feel better if you take all that wet gear off." He smiled kindly. "You really should take it all off and take up Lili's offer."

  Lili nodded vigorously. "You really should."

  Mel managed a sickly smile in response as she shook her head. "Thank you, but..."

  Gerry grinned. "I'll just keep telling you to take your skirt off 'til you do."

  A shriek split the air. Mephi stood with both hands to her mouth, staring from Gerry to Mel. "That's sexual harassment. Don't you give in to him and take your skirt off, dear. I'll report him directly!" Mephi hurried off into the ladies' loo. Gerry followed her, protesting his innocence.

  Mel turned and walked as quickly as she could back to her office, shutting the door behind her. She shared it with three other people, but they weren't in yet. Resigned, she knew the ladies' loo was out, so she was glad she had the office to herself.

  With her eyes fixed on the door to make sure no one came in, she shimmied out of her wet pants and underwear, leaving just a skirt clinging damply to her skin. She fanned it out, trying to dry it as much as possible.

  A loud cheer floated up from the protesters outside and she turned around to see what had happened. They all looked like they were staring at her building. Maybe someone had unrolled a banner down the side, in support of their cause. She shrugged and spread her skirt out to its fullest as she sat down, turning her computer on and staring at the screen.

  Down below, the protesters made unhappy sounds and started to move away from the plaza. She watched them go, for once pleased by the good view offered by her window. When the men had marched out of sight up the Terrace, she looked down at her skirt to see if it had dried at all. Silhouetted between the office lights and the window, she realised the lavender skirt was transparent.

  "Oh Hell," said Mel. She really wished she'd worn stockings today.

  "...meeting at seven," Lili's voice said.

  Mel struggled to remember why she was dreaming about Lili, as she was certain she was at home in bed. It was definitely dark. "Mmmph?"

  A sigh of exasperation. "There's been an incident and Luce has called an emergency meeting. You've been tapped to take the meeting minutes, so you'll need to be in at work before the meeting at seven. I had to call your agency to put me through to you, because they wouldn't give me your direct number, so I've wasted enough time already. Get in here."

  "Yeah, okay," Mel mumbled. The phone beeped in her ear as Lili hung up. That was enough to wake Mel properly.

  Half an hour later, showered, styled and squeezed into a suit, Mel trudged to the train station. She could see the sun just rising behind the building, like the sky was on fire. Pretty, she thought muzzily, stumbling down the stairs to the train at the platform.

  Despite the early hour, the train was fairly full, but Mel managed to find one of the last free seats. She sank down onto her seat and pulled out her smartphone. She'd found a romance story set in the aftermath of the American Civil War that looked interesting and indeed it was. She was soon engrossed.

  The train pulled up at the next station and another herd of commuters boarded, squeezing in like sardines. The doors closed and the train started to move. One woman, looking as sleepy as Mel felt, didn't hold on to anything and lost her balance. She stumbled into Mel as she tried to regain her footing, but the train lurched and tipped her again. This time she fell face-first into Mel's lap.

  Mel opened her mouth to ask if the poor woman was okay, but she was silenced by the sound of Nybbas' voice as he caught sight of her. "Ooh, hello!" he boomed, his eyes widening as he took in the sight of Mel with another woman draped across her lap.

  Laughter erupted among the commuters and Mel felt her face redden, as did the other woman, who quickly picked herself up and squeezed between people to put as much distance between herself and Mel as she could.

  She and Nybbas detrained at the same station. He walked beside her all the way to the office.

  Nyybas had a broad smile on his face, looking far too alert for Mel's foggy mind. "I didn't know you liked eating out for breakfast."

  Mel thought about the raspberry yoghurt she hadn't had time for that morning. "This morning's special," she replied, inhaling the waft of bacon perfume emanating from a plaza café.

  "I'd love to have breakfast with you one day then," Nybbas returned.

  Mel smiled. "How about after this morning's meeting? I have a craving for bacon."

  Nybbas seemed stunned by her invitation. "S-s-sure," he stammered.

  "Right, take your coffee. Time to start this meeting," Luce said, waving his hand at the tray of steaming cups that Mephi held. Mel concentrated on powering up her laptop, knowing Mephi would never make a coffee for her.

  "Mel," she heard Luce say. She glanced up to see him jerk his head at the remaining cup on the tray. It was hers – no one else here owned a white and gold mug, and the white-hearted macchiato it contained was unmistakeable. Luce must have made Mephi do it – unless he'd made the coffee himself. She smiled her thanks as she took the mug. So sweet of him to remember.

  Mel sipped her fresh-brewed coffee between typing, savouring the flavour.

  "When was it found?"

  "On the twentieth of October."

  "Why haven't we acted on it before now? That was over a month ago!"

  "She contacted us to tell us about it, but gave us the wrong phone number and never told us any more. We didn't know how to get in contact with her."

  "Why did you bring it up now?"

  "She sent us photos and it looks suspicious."

  "Where is it? What happened to it?"

  "She stored it in the freezer."

  Alien invasion commenced on 20/10, Mel typed. Member of the public found body, reported find but couldn't be contacted. Alien body photographed and stored in freezer for further investigation.

  "Why don't we have the body?"

  "We've sent one of our staff to retrieve it. He was due there at seven, when the meeting started, so he'll contact us once he's identified and secured the specimen."

  The phone rang. Luce hit the speakerphone button.

  "Hello? Report."

  "Luce, this is Jez from PR. We have enquiries from all the main media channels, requesting a press conference with you regarding the alien invasion."

  "Ah."

  "The online news sites are already running a story about the invasion. We need to comment as soon as possible."

  CEO to give immediate press conference to prevent panic, Mel typed.

  "Set it up for half an hour? I need to go find a tie." Luce left.

  About five minutes after his departure, the phone rang again. Lili hit the speakerphone button, trying to sound as authoritative as Luce. "Hello? Report."

  "Hi, it's Phil. We have one specimen, but the other one is gone."

  "You've lost an alien?"

  "No, not entirely. We know where it is. The alien was mistaken for seafood at a barbeque and met with an unfortunate accident."

  Mel's fingers skittered across the keys. Alien corpse bbqed and served at
a party.

  "What happened?"

  "Ah, the lady who found it says that it was quite delicious. She gave us the remains of the carcass."

  "Can you identify it?"

  "It appears to bear some similarity to a local tropical rock lobster species..."

  Tropical rock lobster mistaken for alien – report is a false alarm, Mel typed as fast as she could.

  "What about the remaining specimen?"

  "Definitely a very large tropical rock lobster. We've commandeered the specimen for testing...one of our researchers would like to see what it tastes like with butter."

  "Ah, okay. Thanks, Phil."

  "Sure, bye."

  Relieved murmurs flowed around the table. Everyone else started discussing where they intended to go for breakfast following the meeting.

  "Um, Lili?" Mel ventured. "What are we going to tell the press conference?"

  Lili smiled, her handbag already on her shoulder as she straightened her shirt in preparation for going out. "It's not the end of the world. Just step upstairs and tell Luce it was a false alarm. He can tell the media that we've averted disaster." She followed the team out toward the lift.

  Mel broke into a run up the stairs to the seminar room, where Luce had held the briefing on her in her bikinis. She could hear the sound of voices behind the door, so she silently turned the handle and slipped inside.

  At the front, his gaze sweeping a dozen cameras as he spoke into a myriad of microphones, Luce smiled. "The important thing to remember is that, even if aliens are invading and the apocalypse is nigh, this is not the end of the world. We have specialist staff ready to respond to any and all invasion forces..." He caught sight of her. "Yes?"

  All eyes and lenses turned to Mel and her insides froze with fear, as they always did when she had to speak in public.

  Mel dropped to her knees. It might not be an alien invasion, but it was the end of the world. Her boss had just predicted doomsday from an invasion of lobsters. She didn't dare say that the specialist staff were responding with butter. She couldn't say a word. Oh Hell.

  The crowd seemed to surge closer to her with a concerned cacophony of sound, but Luce held up his hands for silence and space as he strode closer. "Are you here to report that the situation has been contained?" Luce asked tersely.

  Mutely, Mel nodded. Contained in a steamer, she couldn't seem to say. Tears sprang to her eyes and trickled down her cheeks.

  "One of our dedicated staff, ladies and gentlemen, who played a key role in averting disaster." Luce leaped lightly up the steps and held out a hand to Mel. She grasped his arm as she rose, holding on to him for support. All she could feel emanating from him was sympathy – a strange sensation for a demon, she thought, as she permitted him to lead her forward to the lectern. "May I present the heroine who's saved the day, Miss Melody Angel!" he boomed, a supportive arm sliding around her waist when it felt like she'd fall to her knees again. Flashes blinded her, shimmering through her tears.

  "No further questions," Luce said, waving them away with his free hand. He stood at Mel's side until the last journalist had left, shutting the door behind him. The unusually solicitous demon helped her sit in one of the front-row chairs.

  Mel stared at Luce, trying to work out what motivated this sudden change. First the coffee, now this...what did he want?

  He handed her a black cotton handkerchief. "That's the second time this week you've saved me from embarrassment in this room. Thank you, angel."

  Mel cleared her throat. "Mel. My name is Mel."

  "I know your name. Now, so do all of the media."

  Mel smiled wanly, passing his damp handkerchief back. "Great. Please forgive me if I don't thank you for that."

  Luce frowned. "But the situation is contained, isn't it? And you are the one who was sent with the good news?"

  Mel nodded. "Yes, but..."

  "That makes you the heroine who single-handedly saved us all from an alien invasion, as well as me from some hard-to-answer questions. It seems I'm in your debt, Mel. All of us are." He met her eyes. "I hope you intend to stay with the corporation for a while. We could use more staff like you."

  "I did nothing but take the minutes in the meeting, and it turned out that the emergency was a false alarm," Mel said steadily. "Anyone could have done what I did."

  Luce shrugged. It looked like he was trying to hide a smile. "So what would you have done if I'd given you a choice? Announced that I was an idiot, or agreed to be the heroine of the HELL Corporation? You had the chance to tell them yourself."

  Tell all those reporters, with their cameras, that Luce was an idiot? Mel felt her will drain from her at even the thought of the audience. No, she couldn't have said it – even if it had been true, which it wasn't. And now Luce knew her weakness – her fear of public speaking. She bet he found it funny as Hell.

  "Are you feeling okay?" He looked uncertain. "Do you need a hand getting up, or..."

  Mel waved him away and rose. "I'll be fine." She trudged up the steps, putting as much distance as she could between herself and the strange demon.

  "Remember, I owe you!" he called after her.

  And one day, she'd collect, she resolved, but not today.

  Mel sipped her morning macchiato as she checked her emails, wishing she was reading that book she'd found over breakfast, the one about reincarnation. The veiled woman on the cover had looked so mysterious...

  "Mel, we're getting lots of calls at Reception on the new legislation. We need you to help field enquiries," Lili said without warning.

  Mel looked up, stunned. "What about the alien invasion? Aren't I supposed to stay away from the public after I cried in the press conference?"

  Lili shrugged. "Luce took care of that. He put out a media release that the invasion had been contained and we'd remain vigilant. No mention of what species they were. He just called you a 'dedicated member of staff' who had 'worked tirelessly to manage the incursion.' He thinks the photos of you in the paper in tears were brilliant. He specifically requested you to help with enquiries."

  Mel sighed. At least on Reception she could take her phone with her and read that story between calls. She slipped the smartphone into her pocket, gulped down the last of her coffee and straightened her shirt. "Sure. What questions will I have to answer?"

  Lili handed over a booklet. "The new legislation that came into effect on the first. People have lots of questions and they're all answered in this."

  Mel took the booklet and smiled as she headed out to Reception, feeling the heavy bump of the phone in her pants pocket with each step.

  She sat next to another girl, who was dressed in a fresh white shirt instead of the HELL Corporation uniform. The girl clunked her phone down before burying her face in her hands.

  Mel introduced herself. "Here to help," she added.

  "No, I'm here to help," the girl said, a slightly hysterical edge to her voice. "I'm Gabrielle, from Helpful Angels, temporarily here to take phone enquiries. What have I been volunteered for? This is really hard." She turned to face Mel and her eyes widened with recognition. "What are you doing here? Raphael said you were in India or something..."

  Mel smiled. "Nope, I'm back and it looks like they've given us the worst job they can think of – ah, it'll be easy for a couple of angels, you'll see. Welcome to HELL. It's not too bad, once you get used to it."

  Gabi shrugged. "I probably won't be here that long."

  The phone rang and Gabi answered it, turning away. She looked pained.

  Mel's phone rang, too, so she took a deep breath and answered it. "Good morning, HELL Corporation. How may I help?"

  "This is shit."

  Mel fought not to laugh. "What is, sir?"

  "The new changes to the laws. We're the Cane Toad Action Group and according to the new animal welfare laws, we can't kill any animal in the State without it being done by an authorised veterinarian. It's BULLSHIT."

  Mel agreed with him so she tried to be soothing. "Surely that can't be
right. I'm sure the new animal welfare laws were only changed to... 'better protect native species, pets and stock.'" She read the list quickly off the front of the brochure, hoping he wouldn't notice her hesitation.

  "Well someone better fix this then, because I'm not going to get a vet to personally kill a thousand cane toads. First, I'm going to ring my mate, who's a reporter with Channel Six. Then, I'm going to put the buggers in a bag and gas them the same as we always do...and you can tell your fucking policy people they're stupid!" The irate man hung up.

  Mel made a note of the man's point and picked up the brochure with a sigh. Surely no one could write legislation that protected cane toads from being killed. They were a noxious pest that had to be neutralised on sight...

  The phone rang again. This time the enquirer was female. "I have a question about the new laws."

  Please don't let it be about cane toads, Mel prayed.

  The woman's voice shook. "I have a redback spider in my house and I'm terrified it will bite my dog or me, but my neighbour told me that the new laws mean I can't kill it. I can't afford to get a vet out here to do it. What do I do? I don't want it to kill me..."

  Mel privately thought she would have preferred cane toads. "I'm sure the laws don't cover redback spiders. You just spray it, squish it or shift it outside, like you would normally."

  The woman sniffled as she agreed to do what Mel said, before ending the call.

  Gabi was looking at Mel as she hung up. "So, what's the deal with this legislation?" Mel asked, feeling that she'd been dropped into something she hadn't agreed to.

  Gabi's expression darkened. She reached for Mel's brochure, flipping quickly through the pages. "The animal rights activists managed to push through this new legislation, which apparently applies to 'all non-human animals in the state' where they must die a humane death, as administered by an authorised vet. The first query I got was about rats, the next was about fishing...and the list just grows. Apparently you can't kill the fish you've caught without a vet, you can't poison rats, can't spray flies and your pet fish can't die of natural causes...and whoever wrote this isn't living in the real world."