Princess Lessons

by Meg Cabot

  Remember, making friends is only part of it. You have to keep ’em, too. How do you do this, you ask? Well, by being loyal, never betraying ’em, and not forgettin’ ’em, even after there’s a giant billboard of you half-nekked in Times Square.

  BE A SPORT

  by His Royal Highness Prince René Phillipe August Giovanni

  There’s more to good sportsmanship than just being a good athlete. You also have to set a good example for others (if you’ve had the good fortune to be born a royal prince like me, anyway). This means not being a sore loser. Royals never throw temper tantrums on the playing field, accuse others of cheating, or throw their polo mallets when they lose. They accept defeat graciously, giving the winner a handshake and a sincere, “Good game.” Princes don’t complain about the condition of the playing field or a decision from the ref, however warranted such complaints might be.

  When a prince wins a game, he never gloats, does a special dance when he scores a goal, or sings rude songs about the losers. A good winner always acknowledges his opponent’s effort, and remembers that he himself could easily be in the loser’s place.

  Whether skiing, sailing in a regatta, or merely playing a game of billiards in the palace game room, a prince always plays his best, is enthusiastic, and tries to have a good time—no matter how badly he might be losing.

  HOW TO BE A GOOD SPECTATOR

  by Lilly Moscovitz, avid moviegoer and girlfriend of a mouth breather

  Let’s face it: there is NOTHING more annoying than paying your ten dollars (more if you live in Canada or have purchased popcorn and soda) and sitting down in a movie theater, only to have the people behind you talk loudly or kick your chair all through the feature. This is NOT princess behavior. It is not even human behavior.

  When people gather together in a public place to enjoy a sporting event, movie, play, or concert, they have usually paid the price of a ticket for their entertainment. So it’s totally uncool for other people to try to ruin these gatherings by chewing loudly, yelling stuff at the movie screen (well, okay, this can be fun at a premiere or Rocky Horror, or whatever, but not ALL the time), answering cell phone calls, talking to each other, screaming obscenities at players on the opposing team, or SMOKING.

  A word to mouth breathers: So you have a deviated septum or have to wear a bionater. Still, do you HAVE to breathe out of your mouth? DO YOU??? Could you TRY putting your lips together and breathing out of your nose??? PLEASE???

  We all have to live on this planet. Let’s try to not get on each other’s nerves.

  YOU’VE GOT MAIL

  by Kenneth Showalter, e-mail afficionado

  Everybody loves e-mail. I don’t know anyone who goes, “Oh, no, not again,” when he sees messages in his IN box. People like getting e-mails, so long as they aren’t flames or spam.

  I guess the best thing about e-mail, besides the fact that it is a speedy, fun way to communicate with your friends, is that it is an excellent method—if you don’t feel comfortable talking face-to-face with members of the opposite sex—to communicate with the person you secretly admire. Of course, certain precautions need to be observed if you don’t want to come on too strong:

  • Stop e-mailing someone who doesn’t e-mail back. That means he or she isn’t interested.

  • Excessively long e-mails or too many e-mails in a twenty-four-hour period can be a turnoff for someone who doesn’t feel the same way about you that you feel about them.

  • Don’t e-mail back the minute you receive a response. You don’t want your crush to think you have nothing better to do than sit around checking your e-mail every five minutes (even if that’s true). Also, part of the fun of e-mail is wondering if/when you’re going to get a reply. Make her wait a little!

  Remember, e-mail is a great way to communicate…but there’s a difference between getting to know someone and, well, stalking them. TTYL!

  [If the person you admire is someone you have met in a chat room, keep in mind that they could actually be a mouth-breathing psycho or a double agent from a rival kingdom, or something. Proceed with grave caution.]

  POPULARITY

  by Shameeka Taylor, friend of Princess Mia Thermopolis and recently appointed AEHS cheerleader

  Everyone wants to be popular. But as hard as some of us work at it, it just isn’t happening. I mean, Mia Thermopolis is a princess, and she isn’t popular. I tried out for the cheerleading squad, and even though I made it and everything, I’m still not popular. Not that I want to be. That’s not why I tried out for the squad. I just wanted to see if I could do it. And I did.

  I don’t think anyone understands why it is, exactly, that some people are popular and some aren’t. I mean sometimes totally plain girls are voted Homecoming Queen, while really beautiful girls aren’t even asked to the dance, so it isn’t really about how you look. And total jerks have been elected president of their class, while nice guys sit home watching Deep Space Nine every Saturday night, so it isn’t about how you act, either.

  I guess being popular is more about an attitude. From what I’ve observed, the less people seem to care about being popular, the more popular they are. So worrying about where you stand in the social hierarchy of your school is pretty silly. It’s more important to have good friends than popular ones, and to do your own thing without caring what anybody else thinks. That’s the only way to achieve that self-actualization thing that Mia is always talking about—at least that I know of.

  [Even though Shameeka joined the cheerleading squad, we forgive her because she has proved some cheerleaders are nice (also, now she can give us all the dirt on Lana!).]

  FIVE EASY WAYS YOU CAN SAVE THE PLANET

  by Her Royal Highness Princess Mia Thermopolis

  Princesses want to make sure this planet and all the species on it stick around for a while. By following the simple steps below, you can help, in a small way, to make sure it does:

  1. Walk. Ride a bike. Or take public transportation, if they have it where you live. Save our vital natural resources.

  2. You know those plastic things that come around cans of soda when you buy a six-pack? Clip the holes so they aren’t holes anymore, then throw it away. Sometimes those things get into the ocean and dolphins’ noses accidentally slip through those holes, and they get stuck with their mouths closed, and they can’t eat anything and they starve to death.

  3. Recycle. It isn’t hard. The cans go in a bag. The newspapers get tied up.

  4. Support candidates who want to protect the environment. Even if you are too young to vote, you can volunteer for candidates who are working to make the air safe for all of us to breathe.

  5.

  MIA THERMOPOLIS AND

  LILLY MOSCOVITZ’S

  LIST OF MOVIES IN WHICH

  CHARACTERS ACHIEVE

  SELF-ACTUALIZATION

  AND/OR OTHERWISE BEHAVE

  IN A PRINCESSLIKE MANNER

  Vision Quest: Matthew Modine stays true to himself, despite being dumped by Linda Fiorentino, and wins the wrestling tournament (as well as the heart of Daphne Zuniga), all while wearing a cute, form-fitting body stocking.

  The Matrix: Keanu Reeves chooses saving mankind over lying around dreaming about steak.

  Crazy/Beautiful: Kirsten Dunst has to come to terms with her relationship with her father, or he will send her to a camp for troubled teens and she will never see her hottie boyfriend again.

  Legally Blonde: Reese Witherspoon slowly comes to the realization that knowledge is more important than bridal registries, while still managing to look fabulous the whole time.

  Bring It On: Cheerleaders (headed by Kirsten Dunst) learn that winning isn’t everything: sometimes doing the right thing is more important.

  Save the Last Dance: A ballet dancer (Julia Stiles) finally admits that just because her mom died on the way to her Juilliard audition is no reason to hang up her toe shoes.

  Spider-Man: Tobey Maguire proves that just because you have the ability to dominate the earth
doesn’t mean you should. A valuable lesson for all world leaders!

  V.

  A Note from

  Her Royal Highness Princess Mia

  Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to have gotten straight A’s in high school to rule a country. You don’t have to have gone to high school at all—especially if you inherit a throne, the way I’m going to someday.

  Sadly, however, there will be those (like my dad, who says I still have to go to college, despite the fact I already have the princess career all lined up) who will insist upon your not only finishing high school, but on receiving a secondary education as well. And really, if you think about it, it’s probably good to learn about world history and math, etc., so you’ll at least have some idea what you’re doing when you meet with Parliament and sign tax bills into laws and stuff.

  So far, high school has been the worst experience of my life (not including the whole princess thing). Anybody who says these are the best years of your life is probably someone who was popular or something when they were in high school.

  APPROPRIATE EDUCATION FOR A MONARCH-TO-BE

  by Her Royal Highness Clarisse Renaldo, Dowager Princess of Genovia

  The prevailing assumption when I was a girl was that young ladies needed only to be sent to school to receive a formal education if they were homely or had no other way of meeting eligible young men.

  Today things are so very different. I think it is vital that girls learn at school the important skills that are sometimes neglected by their mothers. Every princess-in-training needs a thorough education in the following:

  • Latin (in order to read the family crests of her peers)

  • French (so that she will understand the sweet nothings being whispered in her ear; also the menu at Lespinasse)

  • Needlepoint (embroidery, petit-point, crochet—a lady’s hands never rest)

  • Dancing (waltz, rumba, tango)

  • Gemology (so that she can tell a fake from the real thing)

  Proper familiarity with the above will guarantee any girl a lifetime of thrilling romantic encounters and exotic adventures.

  Every girl needs to learn to ballroom dance…

  …so she won’t look like a loser at the prom.

  APPROPRIATE EDUCATION FOR A MONARCH-TO-BE

  by His Royal Highness Prince Artur Christoff Phillipe Gerard Grimaldi Renaldo of Genovia

  The responsibilities facing world leaders today are mind-boggling. Only through contributing to the global good by strengthening democratic governance shall we put an end to tyranny and dictatorship. Effective professionals in international service and governance today need a thorough understanding of theory and history as well as superior analytical and practical skills. Anyone hoping for a career in the public service, or even to help solve problems facing public servants today, must have at least a passing familiarity, if not an actual degree, in the following:

  • Economic Policy

  • Bioethics

  • Quantitative Business Analysis

  • Fiscal Decentralization and Local Government Finance

  • Comparative Income Tax Design

  • Analytic Frameworks for Policy

  • Agribusiness and Food Policy

  • Privatization, Finance, and the Regulation of Public Infrastructure

  • Negotiating EU Enlargement

  • Viable Communities and Public Safety

  • Environmental and Resource Science

  • Justice and Public Policy Issues

  • Designing and Managing Energy Systems

  • Education Policy and Urban School Reform

  • Human Rights, State Sovereignty, and Persecution

  • War and Ethnic Conflict

  • Law and Politics of International Conflict Management

  • Force and State Craft

  • Intervention and Peacekeeping

  • Gaining and Using Institutional Power

  • Leadership in the Face of Conflict

  • Multi-Party Dispute Resolution

  • Intelligence, Command, and Control

  • Defense Resource Allocation and Force Planning

  • Controlling Proliferation of Weapons of

  Mass Destruction

  Through careful diplomacy, the seeds of international peace have been sown. Only through education will peace flourish. The fate of the world is in YOUR hands. Do not fail us.

  EXTRACURRICULAR ACTIVITIES

  by Lana Weinberger, Captain, Junior Varsity Cheerleading Squad and Most Popular Girl at Albert Einstein High School

  Extracurriculars aren’t just something you do after school to meet boys (although that is an added plus). No, colleges look at your transcripts to see whether or not you were involved in after-school activities.

  Some extracurricular activities that you might consider taking part in are cheerleading (if you are pretty and flexible enough), soccer, gymnastics, crew, lacrosse, track, basketball, football, baseball, or volleyball.

  Some of the geek extracurriculars are yearbook, the school paper, drama club, choir, chess club, computer club, etc.

  And if you are a true dork, you can volunteer after school for organizations like Meals on Wheels, Greenpeace, your local library, hospital, or homeless shelter. Colleges really like that kind of thing, even though it mostly means you have to be around people you normally wouldn’t be caught dead with.

  And now I would just like to take this opportunity to ask all of you to please stop hogging the mirror every day in the girls’ room, because it is really hard for me to get in there and check my lip gloss.

  [What Lana doesn’t seem to realize is that all the so-called geeks in our school today are tomorrow’s Bill Gateses, George Clooneys, and Steven Spielbergs. By alienating them she is only making it that much more unlikely that any of them will look her way at our future class reunions.]

  VI.

  A Note from

  Her Royal Highness Princess Mia

  So you’ve finally found your handsome prince…or at least a guy you’d like to get to know better. Here are some ways you can attract his attention without causing him to run from you and your ardor like a startled fawn, from romance expert (she has read more than one thousand romance novels!) and fellow high schooler Tina Hakim Baba.

  Also included: a contribution from special guest Michael Moscovitz (that’s right…MY ROYAL CONSORT).

  I WANT YOU TO RIDE OFF INTO THE SUNSET WITH PRINCE CHARMING: HERE’S HOW YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN!

  by Tina Hakim Baba, high school romance specialist

  Seven secrets to securing your true love’s heart, or at least a date with him:

  1. Look neat and pretty around the object of your affections. Clearly this is not possible if the two of you have the same gym class, but you know what I mean: Try to look as neat and pretty as possible, within reason.

  2. Be friendly, but do not come on too strong: Smile at the guy, and say hi when you see him. If an opportunity for conversation crops up, seize it, but do not go out of your way to make this happen. (For instance, don’t pretend to bump into him then drop your tiara. Most of the time, boys can see through ploys like this.)

  3. Once you have made his acquaintance, try to keep things light. Don’t blurt out all your problems—no matter how interesting or dramatic you might think they are—or gossip in a mean way. Remember, you are trying to impress him with your wit and charm, not scare or repulse him.

  4. Don’t forget to listen when it’s his turn to say something. There is nothing more irresistible than a good listener. A good listener:

  • Never interrupts

  • Makes eye contact

  • Lets the person say everything he or she has to say before speaking herself

  5. Don’t get upset if you have a lot of conversations with the same guy and he still doesn’t ask you out. Boys do not mature as rapidly as girls, and he may not even be thinking along those lines yet.

  6. You may need to resort to more
drastic measures, such as joining the same club he belongs to, or showing up at the same events he attends, before he finally notices you. There is nothing wrong with feigning an interest in, say, arachnids, if he is a spider lover. But it is usually better once you are going out to admit that you don’t really care for eight-legged creatures…just for him! He will probably be flattered. Just make sure you genuinely do have a few things in common, or you’ll end up spending a lot more time than anyone would care to in the insect house at the zoo or watching tarantula documentaries on the Discovery Channel.

  7. If, after all of this, the guy still hasn’t asked you out, you may need to take the bull by the horns (so to speak), and ask him out yourself.

  Tina on: Asking a Guy Out…

  According to Mia’s grandmother, it is never okay for a girl to ask a guy out. No offense to the dowager princess, but this isn’t true. The only thing that is never okay is to keep asking out someone who consistently turns you down. He is turning you down for a reason, and that reason may be that he isn’t interested in you in that way; he likes someone else; he’s not allowed to date outside his own faith; or he’s betrothed to another. Try not to take his refusal personally (even though I know it’s hard not to) and move on. Who knows? Eventually he might come to his senses (but by that time you’ll probably have found the love of your life!).