by M J Hardy
It must be about thirty minutes later, we hear someone tapping a glass and calling for hush. I look in surprise as James Clyde says loudly, “Attention everyone, Jenny and I have an announcement to make.”
Gloria says in a low voice, “No prizes for guessing what this is all about.”
My heart sinks as I sense another battle heading my way if this is what I think it is.
James puts his arm around his wife and beams proudly. “We heard a few days ago we’ll be welcoming a new addition to our family in eight months’ time. Jenny and I are pregnant.”
Gloria snorts loudly and luckily the noise of congratulations drowns it out, as everyone adds their voices to their neighbours in congratulating the proud couple. I daren’t look but catch Richard’s eye and my heart sinks. He looks determined and I know where this is heading.
I try to shake the ominous feeling aside and join the others wishing our friends luck and happiness for their future. A little later, I get a moment with Jenny and smile at her happily. “I’m so happy for you both.”
She positively beams. “I can’t believe it, Sarah. We’ve been trying for so long and had so many failed attempts I thought it was never going to happen. It just goes to show you should never give up.”
She looks across at Richard and sighs. “I wish you would join us. Just think of the babies you’d have with a husband looking like that. We could share in the whole baby experience and our children would grow up together and be best friends.”
My heart sinks. The thought of bringing children into my volatile world isn’t worth thinking about. I know Richard is keen to start a family and I’ve always managed to dodge the issue. However, by the look on his face, my time is up.
He heads across and kisses Jenny on the cheek. “Congratulations. You will make wonderful parents.”
Jenny blushes prettily and I roll my eyes to myself. They all adore Richard and think I’m the luckiest woman alive. If only they knew.
James heads over and kisses her lovingly which makes me happy for her. Richard takes my hand and laughs softly. “You know, James. I think you’ll make a great father. Maybe Sarah and I should join you and we could compare notes.”
They look at us with excitement and Jenny says, “I’d love that. I was only just saying as much to Sarah.”
Richard pulls me to his side and says with determination. “We’ve been thinking of it for a while now and I don’t think we should put it off any longer. We could certainly have a lot of fun practicing.”
They all laugh and I smile politely but inside I’m dying a slow death. Not if I have anything to do with it.
The rest of the evening is spent discussing the new baby and I feel as if the walls are closing in on me.
By the time we say our farewells, I’m a nervous wreck.
Richard almost pulls me over in his haste to get home and my heart sinks as I sense another battle ahead.
As soon as we get inside, he races upstairs and I follow with trepidation. Then I watch in disbelief as he heads to my bedside drawer and empties the contents on the bed. He grabs all the packets of birth control I have and starts emptying them down the sink. Racing over, I pull on his arm and shout slightly hysterically, “Stop, what are you doing?”
He pushes me away and says darkly, “No more, Sarah. We’ve talked about this long enough. All the time you take protection you are denying me what I want the most. It’s your duty as my wife to provide me with a family and I’m putting my foot down.”
I feel the hysteria pushing away my better judgement and scream, “Stop, you don’t have the right to make my decision for me.”
He pushes me away sharply and I fall onto the bed and he shouts, “Enough. You will do as I say and no arguments. You’ve had long enough to come to terms with this and my patience has worn out.”
I watch with desperation as he flushes every last pill down the sink and then looks at me darkly. “Don’t think about ordering any more because I will find out. From now on you will be available whenever I call until my baby is inside you.”
He kneels on the bed and pushes me roughly down. His hand presses against my throat as he snarls, “How do you think I feel when all around me my friends are proving their manhood? It’s embarrassing when I see the pity in their eyes when once again it’s not us making the announcement? They probably think I’m not up to it, firing blanks and not able to give my wife what she desires. Well, not anymore. This time I’m insisting you do your duty and be the mother I want you to be.”
The tears slide from the corners of my eyes as he pulls me close and whispers, “You know I’m right, don’t you, baby. I know you’re scared but you don’t have to be. You’ll be the perfect mother as you are the perfect wife. I love you so much and want nothing more than to see my baby swelling your belly. I want everyone to see the love I have for you growing inside you. We will make wonderful babies darling and our lives will be complete. First thing on Monday morning you will hand in your notice at work. Then we will make sure you build yourself up with vitamins and rest to increase your chances of falling pregnant. I’ll be with you every step of the way my darling and you don’t have to worry about a thing.”
I feel his hand inch up my leg under my dress. He starts to stroke me through my panties and rubs his thumb against the thin silky material. Groaning, he shifts and pushes the thin fabric aside before pushing his own pants down. Then, with one hand holding me down, he enters me slowly and deliberately. He thrusts hard and fast and growls. “I will make a woman of you, Sarah, just don’t challenge me. You know I love you and this is for your own good.”
I say nothing as he takes what he wants. There’s no point in resisting, it would only make things worse. Once again, I despise myself as I lie back and let him use me without putting up a fight. This is a sick and twisted marriage and it’s up to me to end it. The trouble is, I don’t know how?
Chapter 5
They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself. Andy Warhol
I’m not sure I slept a wink all night. I lie like a statue beside Richard who slept like the baby he so desires.
Everything was rushing through my head and making no sense at all. I know I have to act because the last thing I want is a child with the monster who occupies my bed. Little did I know that the monster under my childhood bed would turn into the husband that shares it in my adult life.
I think I explore every possibility as I count down every hour to morning. I know there are places for women to go who need to escape. I even researched them one day from work in my lunch hour. It scares me to think it’s my only possible path and worry about what that would mean. I would have to go far from here and start again, but with what? I have no money and even my passport and driving licence are kept at Richard’s office in case of a fire at home. I have allowed myself to be controlled 100% and have nobody to blame but myself.
Even if I went to the police who would believe me? Richard makes sure he never leaves a mark on my body and I have never told anyone about what he does - I couldn’t, I’d be too ashamed. Richard’s a solicitor and could argue against the best of them. He would turn it around and put the blame on me. I need to be clever and work things out properly because I need to know I’ll be successful. But time is running out because I know if he gets his way, I’ll be pregnant within the month.
Sunday comes and with it, Richard’s parents. As if the weekend hasn’t gone badly enough, Sylvia and Mason arrive like a bad winter.
I’ve always hated his parents. They have never thought I was good enough for their son and have made that pretty clear over the years.
I watch as they all greet each other affectionately and smile politely as they turn their attention to me.
Richard says shortly, “Sarah, take mum’s coat and fix them a drink. They shouldn’t have to wait.”
Swallowing hard, I nod and say apologetically, “Of course, I’m sorry. Please, let me take your coats. What drinks would you like
?”
Sylvia smiles thinly. “A white wine for me and Mason’s usual beer.”
She turns away, effectively demoting me to the usual role of the hired help and starts to question Richard about work. I’m actually happy not to be included. Their company bores me and I’m happier when I’m left on my own, anyway.
I make myself look busy and try not to listen to their conversation. All I can think of is the need to get as far away from here as possible but a sudden shriek gets my attention.
“Richard, that’s fantastic news.”
I feel their eyes on me and say with surprise, “Sorry, what news?”
Richard laughs softly. “There’s my scatterbrain. I was just telling mum and dad about our plans to start a family.”
My heart sinks as Sylvia says loudly, “Not before time. It’s been a long time coming and I must say, I thought you’d chosen a woman who couldn’t reproduce for a moment there Richard.”
They all laugh and then look at me accusingly. Mason says, “Good for you. If it’s a boy, I’ll put his name down at the club. It’s a long waiting list so he should be near the top when he’s 21.”
They all laugh and I cringe as I see the life my poor child would have with them as its family.
Richard laughs loudly. “Yes, it’s long overdue. Don’t worry though, Sarah is going to hand in her notice tomorrow and become a stay at home wife. Maybe you could give her a few tips mum?”
Sylvia nods. “Of course, it would be my pleasure. I will teach Sarah everything I know and by the time I’ve finished with her, she will be the perfect wife and mother.”
I can feel them all staring and say faintly, “I’ll check on the lunch.”
My eyes swim with tears as I picture my life. I can’t let this happen; it will destroy me.
As I try to take a few deep breaths, Richard comes behind me and says softly, “See, everyone agrees. This is the next step to our perfect life. Just remember, it’s all for you, baby. I want to give you the life you deserve and we will grow old together. You know I’ll never let you go, don’t you?”
His words chill my heart and I daren’t turn around because he would see it in my eyes. His voice lowers, and he says darkly, “Remember, I control you for your own good. Don’t challenge me and everything will be ok.”
I hear his mother call, “Remember we are on a strict vegan diet now.”
I grit my teeth as I stir a pot of the deepest, richest, beef casserole. Richard turns and says irritably, “Since when?”
His mum laughs in embarrassment. “Since we watched a programme on where our food comes from. Honestly Richard, you would turn vegan if you saw it.”
I feel the pressure building in my head as Richard snarls, “Honestly, Sarah. You should have thought to check if they had any particular dietary requirements. Dinner is now ruined and I blame you for this.”
The tears prick my eyes and I feel like hitting him with the bloody dinner. I take a deep breath and say lightly, “I’m sorry, we didn’t know, Sylvia. Maybe we should all head out for lunch instead. There’s a new restaurant in town that the neighbours have been raving about.”
She shakes her head. “Well, I must say I’m not really interested in going out. I would have thought you had something in reserve for people who don’t eat meat. Maybe you could rustle up a salad or something. I’m sure that cookery course Richard paid for you to go on at great expense must have taught you something.”
Biting my sharp retort, I just say with resignation, “Leave it with me, I’ll see what I can do.”
I’m not sure how but I manage to rustle up something that passes as a vegan meal and we sit down around an hour later. Sylvia makes a great show of picking at her food and turning her nose up, saying dully, “It’s a bit bland, isn’t it?”
Richard looks annoyed and Mason, to his credit, a little embarrassed. He catches my eye a couple of times and smiles apologetically but wouldn’t dare comment. I’m starting to see where Richard gets his personality because Sylvia is a monster. I wonder if Mason has a difficult life and suffers like me in his own way.
As they talk, I tune out and go through the motions. Their visit can’t end soon enough for me and I watch the clock which appears to be running slow because it never seems to move.
They must have been here for about four hours before they get up to leave and Richard takes my hand and we stand to say our goodbyes.
I watch Sylvia’s eyes mist over as she kisses him lightly on the cheek. “It’s been lovely to see you, son. Remember to visit us soon and I’ll make sure to serve your favourite food. You look as if you need looking after and there’s nobody better than your mother.”
She looks at me and nods. “Goodbye, Sarah. I’ll search for some vegan recipes for your folder. It’s an area you could use some brushing up on.”
Richard nudges me as I say, “Thank you, Sylvia, you are very kind.”
Once again, Mason smiles and looks embarrassed but he still says nothing. Seeing him standing beside Sylvia so meekly, reminds me of myself. Will that be me in the future? A life spent biting my tongue and agreeing with everything Richard says. I already know it is because I am that woman now. Wearily, I wave them off and turn to clear up the mess their visit has made.
Richard sees them to their car and then heads back and I jump as he slams the door. “Well, that was a disaster. What do you have to say for yourself?”
I say with resignation. “Sorry Richard.”
He shouts angrily, “You always are. Sorry should be your middle name. How did you not know they were vegan? When was the last time you called my mother to check on her? Have you ever shown any interest in their lives or tried to get to know them? Well, we both know the answer to that, it’s no. You are just so wrapped up in your selfish life you don’t even try anymore.”
I feel my legs shaking as I try to diffuse the situation. When Richard loses his temper, there can only be one outcome – a terrible evening ahead for me.
“I’m sorry, darling, you’re right. I’ll make more of an effort.”
My words seem to do the trick and he sighs heavily. “This just cements our decision. First thing tomorrow, you will quit your job and spend your days perfecting being a wife and then mother. You can’t do both and your work is seriously impacting on our relationship. I’ll go and draft the letter now and you can take it in tomorrow.”
He leaves the room and I lean against the sink with relief. At least he didn’t touch me. Maybe he will forget and get distracted by the television or some work he usually does in the evening. All I can do is carry on clearing up and plan my escape because now I’m more certain than ever. I’m leaving Richard and I’m leaving him very soon.
Chapter 6
If you're going through hell, keep going. Winston Churchill
The sun is shining and the birds are singing in the trees. The day is fresh and promising and as I make my way to my car; I feel optimistic. The letter in my hand reminds me of urgent business and I feel my heart racing wildly as I make a decision. It’s time to fight back.
I see Gloria as I back the car from the drive. She raises her hand and I smile happily. All around me the residents of Richmond Avenue go about their normal routine and I am no exception. However, today I am not going to the office. Today I am going to get the help I should have got years ago.
As I drive along the familiar roads, I feel a spark of hope sitting alongside me. I can do this; I am a strong woman. There is no need to suffer in silence in anymore. There are people trained to help with situations like mine and I shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help.
As I turn left into Gander Green lane, I feel my world right itself. The familiar street that I associate with freedom calls out to me as I travel along it. There is no radio to distract me today, just my own thoughts that won’t be silenced anymore.
As I reach the gate of the third house, I hold my breath. My heart lifts as I see the girl close the gate behind her and start her gentle jog. Then something happen
s that takes me by surprise. Something different that has never happened before and something that makes my decision all the more certain.
She looks me in the eye as I pass and smiles brightly.
Just a brief moment but the connection was clear. She actually smiled at me. I didn’t even have time to smile back before I moved past her but I will never forget the kindness reflected in those eyes.
I find myself smiling as I carry on with my journey. Instead of turning right out of Gander Green lane, I turn left today. Instead of the mind-numbing journey to Faville and Proctor, I pass along unfamiliar streets that will take me to a different destination. The place I am heading signifies freedom and understanding. No appointments are needed, just a bit of bravery and a firm resolve.
As I pull into a space in the car park, I feel my heart thumping and the nerves setting in. One step is all it will take to free me from my prison. One person to hear me speak who will make everything alright.
Just for a moment, I sit in silence. This is a huge step for me and I’m acting on impulse which may not be a good idea. However, I know I don’t have long. Richard is getting more demanding, and the violence is starting to scare me. What started out as a little fun has escalated into abuse and I don’t want any part of it. It’s this thought that helps me make my decision. I need to face my fears and deal with this for both our sakes.
As I leave the car, my heart thumps with every step I take. I walk towards the civic hall and pray they can help me. There’s a support group that runs from here where women can go to for help. I am that woman and just hope this doesn’t backfire on me.
Every step I take is a positive one. That’s what I need to tell myself because if I don’t hang onto that thought, I’m liable to think twice about my decision.
As I reach the entrance, I can feel my heart beating madly inside me. Then, as I place one hand on the door, I hear a loud, “Is that you, Sarah?”
