by M J Hardy
I feel the blood drain from my face as I stiffen and turn to face the person behind the voice.
I see my neighbour Angela heading towards me with a smile and frantically think of a reason why I’m here.
She rushes over and says breathlessly, “I thought that was you. What are you doing here?”
Such a simple question but I don’t have an answer, so I just shrug “I need to order a new bin. Ours is falling apart.”
She nods sympathetically. “I know what you mean. I could do with a new one myself. It’s good to see you though, do you have time for a coffee?”
Swallowing hard, I shake my head regretfully. “Not really, I should be at work and lost track of the time.”
She smiles ruefully. “Oh well, maybe next time.”
I say curiously, “What brings you here?”
“I help out once a week at a group here. I volunteer as my way of giving something back.”
Trying to sound normal, I say with interest, “Oh, what group’s that?”
She lowers her voice and looks serious. “A woman’s refuge. You know, the stories I hear would break your heart. Normal women who are treated appallingly by their husbands and partners. I’m not going to lie; it makes me so mad.”
Feeling my heart sink, I say softly, “And do you… help them, I mean?”
She nods. “Oh yes. These women are largely afraid and have nowhere else to go. We put them in touch with professionals who offer them a way out. I must say, I love what we do here, it really makes a difference you know.”
Then she laughs loudly, “Lucky for us we don’t have such a burden to bear. Our husbands are the real deal and I thank my lucky stars I found Vincent. Can you imagine how awful it would be to live in fear?”
Feeling my hopes dissolve into dust around me, I smile sadly, “No, I can’t imagine.”
Angela smiles. “Anyway, I should really get inside. Mondays are usually busy after the weekend. I’m not sure why but that always seems the catalyst to make up the women’s minds. I expect we will be busy today.”
As she turns to leave, I say with a slight edge to my voice, “Oh, Angela, please don’t mention you saw me here today.”
She looks confused. “Why ever not?”
I roll my eyes and laugh. “If Richard found out I was here, it would make life difficult. I told him I’d ordered this bin weeks ago, and he’s been struggling with the old one wondering why it’s taking so long. I don’t want him to be annoyed.”
She smiles. “Don’t worry. I know what men can be like. I’m always telling Vincent I’ve sorted things I totally forgot about. Don’t worry, your secret’s safe with me.”
She winks as she turns away and I wait until she disappears inside before quickly heading back to my car. As I fasten my seatbelt, I feel the ever-present tears behind my eyes as I see my way out of this nightmare slipping away. I can’t possibly go to them for help now. Angela would know about it in a second. I’m not stupid enough to allow my secret to be exposed to somebody who knows us, it would be all around the neighbourhood in seconds. This is a disaster and I’ll need a Plan B if I am to ever free myself from this marriage.
So, with a sigh, I start the drive to work to deal with the next problem.
Luckily, I am only five minutes late, which is a miracle considering the traffic problems this time of day usually brings. Wearily, I park the car and head towards the office, the resignation letter burning a hole in my pocket. The last thing I want to do is give up the one piece of freedom I have left but I’m not stupid enough to think I have a choice.
Gloomily, I sit at my desk and stare sadly out of the window. How did my life spiral out of control this fast? When did I lose my backbone and why did I allow it to happen?
“Hey, Sarah, did you hear the news?”
I turn in the direction of the voice and see Jane who sits beside me leaning over, looking excited.
She whispers, “Word is we’ve been bought out. There’s a meeting later on today and the rumour flying around is there are redundancies on the cards.”
I say with interest, “How do you know?”
She looks around and whispers excitedly, “I overheard some guys talking in the elevator this morning. Apparently, we’re to get an email later on today and to be honest, this couldn’t have come at a better time for me.”
“Why?”
“I’ve got another job lined up as a receptionist for Hammond and Rogers, the Insurance company across town. If I hang on, hopefully I’ll get the redundancy and a nice cheque to send me on my way.”
The phone rings and she turns her attention back to work and I feel a tiny spark of hope ignite inside me. What if it’s true? Maybe this could be my way out. I’ve worked here long enough to know that if I took redundancy I’d be due a large pay out. Maybe this could be my lifeline. I could opt to be paid by cheque and Richard would never know. I could set up a bank account of my own and use the money to disappear. Maybe this is fate giving me a way out.
I almost can’t concentrate on my work and feel my heart thumping to the beat of change and new beginnings.
A shadow falls across my desk and I look up into the kind eyes of the floor manager, Mr Jenkins. He smiles reassuringly and nods towards his office. “May I have a word, Sarah?”
I nod in surprise and follow him to the office at the end of the room, wondering what this could be. Maybe it’s linked to Jane’s conversation from earlier.
He gestures to the seat in front of his desk and I perch on the edge nervously. As he sits down to face me, I see a flash of uncertainty cross his eyes as he says softly. “I’m sorry to drag you away from your work but I needed a private word.”
Squirming on my seat, I wonder if this is because I was five minutes late. Maybe I should have come and apologised but the look on his face is one of compassion rather than anger, so I just smile shakily.
He sighs heavily and says wearily. “I’m not sure if you’ve heard the rumour flying around but things are set to change here very soon. We’ve been taken over by Grant & Miller and things are up in the air at the moment to say the least.”
I look at him with a worried expression. “What will happen?”
He shrugs and shakes his head. “Nothing for now but I’m told we’re looking at shed loads of redundancies while we merge with the new mother ship. It may not affect this department but then again, it may affect us all. We will be living with that uncertainty for a while until the dust settles.”
He smiles ruefully. “Anyway, that is kind of why I called you in.”
I lean forward and look at him expectantly as he smiles. “I understand you were going to resign today.”
The shock must show on my face because he smiles reassuringly and says softly, “Your husband called this morning and briefed me on what to expect. He told me you were nervous and may take a while to pluck up the courage.”
His words are like a jagged knife tearing my heart out as I try to look at him with a normal expression but my heart is thumping close to critical. He smiles again. “I told Richard about the possible redundancy and it has changed everything. We both agreed it’s best for you to hang tight until we know for sure. That way you will get the pay-out you deserve which will help with the new family.”
I feel dizzy as I croak, “New family?”
He stares at me keenly and I feel myself blush as he says gently, “It’s ok, Richard told me about your... um… situation. He’s worried about you and told me the reasons for your departure.”
I barely manage to get the words out as I say weakly, “Situation?”
Shuffling forward on his seat, he lowers his voice still further. “Don’t worry, Sarah. I am most discreet. Richard told me you were struggling and your mental health was suffering. I just want to reassure you that as soon as you start taking it easy, Nature will bless you with the child you so desire. My own situation is not dissimilar to yours. It took us years to conceive and my wife was much the same as you. Frantic and obsessed
with having a child. Well, it was only when she gave up hope altogether and turned to look at adopting that she fell pregnant naturally. I must say, you are lucky to have such a supportive husband. He is concerned for you and wanted to remove all the stress in your life, hence the resignation. Well, I think I’ve convinced him to hold fire for a few weeks to see where this all takes us. In the meantime, I am reducing your workload to help with your stress issues. You will now be responsible for incoming calls only and can pass any of your cases to Sandra and Michael to deal with.”
He leans back looking pleased with himself while the screams start in my mind. I say shakily, “Richard called you?”
I can’t seem to get past that and the walls close in on me as I realise my fragile escape plan has once again been cruelly taken from me.
He smiles. “Yes, luckily, we know each other by association, so he felt comfortable calling me and speaking confidentially on this sensitive matter.”
I say weakly, “You know Richard.”
“Yes, he works for the organisation my wife heads up across town. They support victims of domestic abuse and Richards’ company provide legal assistance. He’s been an invaluable asset to her organisation which is why I’m keen to repay the favour. Don’t worry, Sarah, we will get through this together and you can rest assured, I will take all the worry away from you and liaise directly with your husband. We just want what’s best for you and hopefully you will soon have the family you deserve.”
He looks at me kindly and I feel my world imploding all around me. How does Richard do this? He is everywhere and whatever road I think will take me out of this hell, he has already set the road block in place. Even the people who are there to help women like me have been blindfolded by him. This is a disaster and there’s nothing I can do about it.
My legs are like lead as they carry me from Mr Jenkin’s office. I walk past my desk and head to the restroom for some much-needed privacy. As I sit alone in the cubicle, I place my head in my hands and the tears fall freely. I make no sound as those tears wash away all the hope I had left. My future is no longer mine to control. How can I when all of my choices have already been made for me? Even if I did manage to find somebody to believe me, they would be powerless to help - wouldn’t they?
Chapter 7
How much more grievous are the consequences of anger than the causes of it. Marcus Aurelius
Somehow, I get through the day. After all, it’s something I excel at. Disguising my pain and appearing as if life is normal. Maybe that’s been the problem. Perhaps I should have told somebody sooner and they would be able to back up my story. I’m not stupid enough to think that if I went to the police, they would believe me, anyway. Richard is too clever for that.
Increasingly I am aware he has covered every base. His abuse is more mental than physical. In company, he appears the perfect husband and charms his way into their hearts. In private, he controls, manipulates and abuses without leaving any physical marks. He has covered his tracks and fabricated a story of my mental fragility and it’s only now I can see the full picture. Richard has sealed my prison shut with a carefully constructed web of lies and deceptive imagery and I can’t find the end of it to unravel. The only way out is to fight my way out and he has made sure I don’t have the strength for it. Now I’m to produce him a family which will cement me by his side forever. This is it, the end of the line. Match point and checkmate because Richard has won. I can see that now, there’s nothing else for it – I must bow to the inevitable and do what he wants. My life is now effectively over.
There was no announcement forthcoming by the end of the day, so we were left to return home with uncertainty an unwelcome passenger.
My journey along Gander Green lane is a different one to earlier. At least then I had a small shred of hope that things may change for the better. Now, as I move past the little white house, all I can see is a hellish future married to the devil himself. The sight of the pretty house brings tears to my eyes. How I wish I was that woman who appears to have it all. I’m guessing that the life behind those drapes is a very different one to mine, it’s obvious by the spring in her step and the happiness that shines from her like a light in a storm.
Happiness, I had that once. I had that feeling that followed me through life where everything was perfect and the future looked bright. I couldn’t believe my luck when I found Richard. He complimented my life which was rich and full of friends and laughter. One by one those friends drifted away. I wanted to please him and he dominated my time. Any invitations were declined for a much better offer from him. I couldn’t get enough of his attention and turned my back on everyone but him. It didn’t matter. I had everything I ever wanted – my soulmate.
I wonder where those friends are now? Maybe I could look them up and seek their help. Maybe they would be the ones to steer my ship through the rocky sea. With a sinking feeling, I realise I don’t know how to find them. Their numbers have been lost over the years and I’m not stupid enough to look for them on social media. I’m not allowed it anyway and Richard checks my phone every night for any browsing history.
I wrack my brains to remember any small shred of information that may help me. Perhaps I should start talking. Tell my neighbours. The paperboy, the postman, in fact, anyone who will listen. Surely, I could start sowing the seeds of my situation with anyone who will listen. I have that chance at least.
These thoughts and many more accompany me home. I can’t give up without a fight because even if it means losing everything, it will be a price worth paying for freedom.
Richard’s angry.
I can tell by the way the whole house shakes as he slams the front door. I feel the fear creeping over me as his footsteps head towards me.
My heart thumps with every sound of his approaching mood. My head starts spinning as he stands in the doorway and snarls, “Do you have anything to tell me, Sarah?”
Swallowing hard, I feel the dry taste of defeat on my tongue as I say in a small voice. “No.”
His words fly across the room like imaginary bullets as he snarls, “Where were you today?”
Frantically, I think of every excuse under the sun as I realise he must know about my visit to the council offices.
He says darkly, “I’m waiting.”
Turning away, I say in a small voice. “I went to work.”
In two strides, he cuts across the room and grabs my wrist, shaking me angrily.
“Then how do you explain the extra mileage on your car?”
My heart sinks and I stutter, “I was distracted and took the wrong turn.”
I should have just told him the story I told Angela because he shouts, “Liar. Do you take me for a fool, Sarah?”
I start to shake and say with a quivering voice. “No.”
His grip is like iron as he pulls me from the room towards the stairs. I stumble as he pulls me roughly up them and towards the room at the end. My knees shake as I plead, “Please, no, Richard. I promise you; I’m telling the truth.”
He says nothing and carries on pulling me towards the door at the end. The tears blind me as he kicks the door open and pulls me into the room I hate the most. The punishment room.
There is no light in the punishment room. The shutters are always closed with blackout blinds cutting out every sliver of light.
There are no frills or finery in the punishment room.
Dark, oppressive walls, painted to serve a sinister purpose. Fear.
One single metal-framed bed, sits by the wall with just a mattress and nothing else. A bucket sits by the side of it and the floor is made up of bare boards. I start to shiver as I plead, “Please don’t do this, Richard.”
He snarls angrily, “Strip.”
I start to cry gently, “Please, no.”
He says harshly, “Take your punishment, Sarah and no more will be said. You know I don’t like it when you lie to me.”
Sobbing, I remove my clothes and he says darkly, “Now lie on the bed.”
>
I try one last time. “I’m sorry, Richard, please forgive me.”
He laughs dully. “You want forgiveness, well, you have to earn it. My patience is starting to wear thin with you, Sarah. All I want is a wife who does what she’s told. I provide a loving home with everything you could ever want and this is what I’m rewarded with. A wife who skulks around in the shadows and hides everything from me. A wife who shows no interest in my family and starting one of her own. A wife who sits meekly in company and yet challenges me in private. You need to learn the hard way what being a good wife involves and it pains me to be the one to teach you.”
I start to cry and he says in disgust. “Look at you kneeling on the floor stripped of your dignity. Snivelling like a chastised child when you can see you have no way of dodging your lies. They will always betray you, Sarah, because you’re just not clever enough. You see, I will always win because I’m always ten steps ahead of you. You think you’re smart hiding things from me, which only shows how stupid you really are. You know, I could have had anyone but I chose you. I still could because I’m considered quite a catch. You, on the other hand, would only attract the flies because that’s what you are, Sarah, you’re filth. A filthy, dirty, liar who deserves nothing but the back of my hand and a night to think about how you can make it up to me.”
Grabbing my hair, he twists my head sharply and says angrily, “Get on the bed.”
I do as he says and lie face down. I sob as he ties my wrists and ankles to the bedposts and feel the bite of the rope, just tight enough to secure but leave no marks. Then, he places a blindfold around my eyes and I hear him say darkly, “What do you say, Sarah?”
I sob. “I’m sorry, Richard”
The silence is more frightening than the knowledge of what’s coming. My heart beating frantically is the only sound I hear as I wait for him to strike.
