by M J Hardy
Reaching out, Gloria takes my hand and smiles sympathetically. “We’re all guilty of that, honey. So wrapped up in the here and now we don’t step back to see the bigger picture. I’m guessing you just wanted to make your husband happy in the early days. You fell in love and wanted to hold on to that feeling for as long as possible. Maybe when it went, you thought you could get it back if you just toed the line and did what made him happy. It’s perfectly understandable but just remember one thing, he took more than he should. He ruined you, honey and you can’t blame yourself for that. What happened was always going to happen. Two weeks from now or two years, something was always going to make you snap, or worse. It could be you lying in that mortuary instead. Just remember everything happens for a reason and it may not be clear now but the whole picture will reveal itself in time.”
Gloria smiles and looks at her watch. “Talking of time, I must fly. My personal trainer is due in two hours and I need to prepare.”
I raise my eyes, “Prepare?”
She winks, “Put it this way, it’s the personal bit of trainer I look forward to the most.”
Shaking my head, I say quickly, “I thought you were struggling to make ends meet.”
She laughs. “I’d give up food if it meant I kept Byron. Some things are necessities, darling. The luxuries like meals out with the husband are a sacrifice I’m willing to make.”
She winks as she grabs her purse and keys and heads to the door. “Enjoy trying on the clothes. I’m going to enjoy taking mine off.”
As she heads home, she leaves a smile on my face. Gloria is just what I needed today. A real tonic and once again, I wish I had known how great she was before. Maybe, just maybe, things would have turned out differently.
Chapter 16
We don't develop courage by being happy every day. We develop it by surviving difficult times and challenging adversity. Barbara De Angelis
Three days later and I’m going stir crazy. I haven’t seen a soul since Gloria left and I think I’ve cleared out every cupboard in the house. So, when the doorbell rings, I almost run to answer it. Even if it’s somebody selling their religion, I’ll ask them in, I am so starved of conversation I’ve resorted to talking to myself.
However, as soon as I wrench the door open, I wish I hadn’t because glaring at me through hate-filled eyes is Sylvia, Richard’s mother.
I take a step back as she pushes her way in and snarls, “You bitch.”
“Excuse me.”
The fury in her eyes makes me stop in my tracks as she shouts angrily, “What have you done? You stupid, stupid bitch. My son is missing because of you and I want to know where he is. What have you done to him?”
I take a step back as she advances slowly. I see the madness in her eyes as she pushes me into a corner and I stutter, “I … I… I… don’t know. He ran away from the scene of the accident. I don’t know where he is.”
Slap.
The blow to my face causes my head to snap back and I feel my face smarting from the power behind it.
“Liar. You’ve killed him, haven’t you? You murdered my son and now expect us to live with the uncertainty. You can’t even let a mother grieve for her son because you won’t tell us where you’ve hidden the body. Well, I’m here to beat it out of you. You’ll wish you had died that night when I’ve finished with you.”
She raises her hand again and I start to scream. “Get out. You have no right to be here. Get out!”
I watch in disbelief as the tears run like rapids down her cheeks as she cries like a mad woman, “Tell me, tell me where you’ve hidden his body.”
I shake my head as Tony rushes through the door and steps between us. He says firmly, “Enough, Mrs Standon. Leave Sarah alone, you are not supposed to be here.”
My knees tremble with the shock as he pushes her gently back and then she wails so loudly I think the whole neighbourhood must hear her. “I want my son. I want him back with me where he belongs. Make her speak because god knows I will if you don’t.”
I watch as Tony frogmarches Sylvia out of the house and sit shaking on the ground. I can’t believe what just happened. She was so broken. Despite my hatred of her, I felt compassion towards her. She was devastated and like me, must be wondering where on earth he is? How could he do this to her – his own mother? Why wouldn’t he let her know he was safe, why is he doing this to us?
I am still in the same crouched position when Tony returns. Gently, he takes my hand and pulls me up and leads me over to the couch. He says softly, “Are you ok?”
I shake my head sadly, “Not really, Tony. Do you think there’ll come a time when I ever will be again?”
He nods. “You will be. I’ve been in this job long enough to know that even when things are at their worst there is always that spark of hope that lights the way out. You will get through this. Whatever happens, life will go on and you will pick yours up and move forward.”
I whisper, “How is that possible when Richard is still out there? What if he comes back, he would kill me, I just know it?”
I start to shiver at the thought and Tony wraps a nearby blanket around my shoulders. “You’re in shock, you need to take some deep breaths and let your body process what just happened. One step at a time, that’s all you need to take.”
I’m not sure why but his words strike something deep inside me that yearns for a friendly word and loving smile. It yearns for that security that only a loved one can give you and it yearns for this nightmare to be over. At this moment, I feel more alone than I have ever been. Even lonelier than when I used to lie in the punishment room. I am on my own – period. I may have two kind people looking out for me but when the door closes at night, it’s just me and my nightmares.
I must say this out loud because Tony looks worried as I say softly, “There’s no way out… for me, anyway.”
Strangely he puts an arm around my shoulder and hugs me reassuringly. His voice is soft and gentle as he whispers, “You will pull through this. You’re a fighter and this is a fight worth winning. Don’t give in because you have so much to live for. This mess will sort itself out but it will take time. But time passes and you will come out the other side. Stay strong, Sarah and show everyone how invincible you really are.”
Smiling through my tears, I nod and whisper, “Thanks, Tony.”
Just for a second, he says and does nothing. We sit together like old friends that may wish to share something a little more. It feels nice, comforting and natural. Is this feeling wrong – probably but I’m past caring? I need a Tony in my life now more than ever because loneliness is a terrible feeling and reminds me how weak I am. Even now, I am leaning on a man to get me through life. I need to shape up because if I don’t sort my head out, I may as well have died that night because this life I’m living isn’t worth fighting for.
Tony stayed with me for a while and when he left, the thought didn’t even cross my mind as to why he was here in the first place.
Chapter 17
Being alone with fear can rapidly turn into panic. Being alone with frustration can rapidly turn into anger. Being alone with disappointment can rapid turn into discouragement and, even worse, despair. Mark Goulston
That night I’m woken by a baby crying.
My eyes snap open and I make out the distinctive cry of a newborn baby coming from somewhere in the house. My heart starts hammering and I feel a nervous sweat break out across my whole body. What is that?
My legs shake as I try to stand. It’s like the music all over again. Is this another trick? Another recording designed to instil fear because if so, it’s working.
My teeth chatter as I put one foot in front of the other as I grab the flashlight. This time the phone is beside my bed but I’m too scared to call Tony. If I press the panic alarm, I know it will stop and the police will have me labelled as a crazy woman who is turning slightly psychotic. No, I need to be brave and deal with this on my own and put a stop to this one way or another.
; The sound fills my head as the baby screams as if in pain. The sobs push their way from inside me as I stumble in the darkness. I snap on the bedroom light hoping it will make everything go away. Darkness has a habit of making the normal appear dangerous. It disguises everyday objects making them appear sinister and if I thought that one simple act would chase the shadows away; I was wrong.
It gets louder.
My heart thumps with every step I take as I head towards the sound. Is this real, am I imagining this because I must be? Surely.
I checked every door, every window and every room bar one before I went to sleep. It’s that room that stands at the end of the hall taunting me and promising to punish me for daring to think I will ever be free. That room is the root of all evil and stands as a symbol of my own weakness. That room is where the baby is crying.
Something snaps inside me. I turn towards the punishment room and the anger flares up inside me as I storm towards it. Enough. I will not live in fear anymore. If Richard is there, he can kill me because this isn’t living, anyway. I want to end this once and for all and only I can do that.
I start to talk over the noise just trying to drown out the desperate cries. Anything to drive the fear away because it is choking me as I walk. Squeezing all rational thought from my brain as I head to the room that I hate the most.
The noise intensifies along with the fear. My heart beats so fast I may not have long to live but I need to see. I need to face whatever this is because how can I ever move on unless I do?
With one hand on the door handle, I hesitate for the briefest second before taking a deep breath and then I open the door, quickly, fiercely and with determination and shout loudly, “I know it’s you, Richard. I’m not afraid of you anymore, do you hear me?”
Then I scream.
I don’t stop, I can’t stop.
I stand in the doorway of the punishment room and the horror hits me hard. The punishment room is back in all its glory. The pretty room has gone. The walls are dark and the windows black. The metal bed stands alone in the middle of the room with the bucket by its side. This time, however, something is beside it. A baby’s crib rocking wildly from side to side as a baby cries, desperately, painfully and agonising. I’m not sure where the baby’s screams end and mine begin because I can’t do anything else. I stand screaming as the full horror hits me. He’s here.
I must have blacked out because when I come round, I’m lying on the rug on the floor of the punishment room. Except, once again, it’s the pretty room. The walls are white and the furnishings cosy and pretty. The crib is gone and the photos stare down at me with sympathy and compassion.
I sit up and look around in disbelief. How can this be? I saw it, it was real – wasn’t it? Am I going mad? I think I must be because how could this have changed so quickly? I rub my head and the pain reminds me I have an injury. It’s easy to forget sometimes with all the madness surrounding my life but maybe that’s the problem. I had a blow to the head, and it’s messing with my mind.
I drag myself up from the floor and sit on the edge of the bed. I look at the canvas of Richard and me in happier times and remember where it was taken. We hadn’t long been married. He surprised me with a trip to the coast for the weekend. He was always doing things like that. He was kind, attentive and loving and nothing like the monster he became. I smile as I remember how happy I was. We stayed in a cabin set among the sand dunes and it was magical. Nothing to do but each other and I thought life couldn’t get any better. I was right. It never did.
As I look at the picture, I feel a sense of incredible sadness. We could have had so much. I’m not sure why things deteriorated so quickly but it didn’t take long. We had only been married for one year before the cracks started to show.
Richard became more wrapped up in business. His patience was thin and things began to irritate him. I put it down to his stressful workload but it was something else. He was preoccupied and short with me. Where before he was kind and loving, now he was cruel and dismissive. Sex became harder, more brutal and at first, it excited me. I’m ashamed to admit I loved the passion involved. Then that was all that was left. Brutal sex and words of reassurance afterwards. Richard led me to believe it was in my best interests. He was doing this for my own good and I should thank him for it. I push the memory away of that first time. I’m not ready to deal with that yet. It’s a memory I don’t want to remember because I should have known then. I should have listened to the warning signs, but he convinced me otherwise.
Wearily, I drag myself from the bed and head towards my bedroom. I need to shower, change and then I will look for answers. I will take charge of my life and know just the place to start.
It feels forbidden and I should turn away but something is compelling me to dig. It feels wrong to sit behind his desk. It feels forbidden to open the drawers and rifle through them, almost like a thief in the night. I half expect him to come rushing in, shouting and berating me for daring to invade his personal space. But he doesn’t and soon I am so engrossed in my task I lose all sense of time.
Like the man himself, Richard’s desk is flawless. Everything in its place, neat and tidy, filed correctly and labelled methodically. Mostly it’s household bills and work documents. I find nothing of interest which doesn’t surprise me. I’m not sure what I thought I’d find, anyway.
Wearily, I keep on looking and discover the paperwork concerning the house. It all looks so boring and I flick through the contents with half a mind on something else. Then I come to the deeds of the house and it takes a while to register but then it hits me. The house is in my name only. This can’t be right. I remember signing the deeds and even had a witness signature. Quickly, I look closer and read it through properly. The date is the same, just before the house became ours. Flicking through the paperwork, I see no trace of his name anywhere. This must be wrong. Surely.
For the next hour, I study every document in fine detail but his name is nowhere. It’s as if he doesn’t exist. I turn my attention to another file. The household bills. Once again, nothing to indicate he even lives here. Everything is in my name, even the one detailing the voting register. That can’t be right. He voted I remember him doing it several times in fact. Why is he not listed under this address?
It’s as if he doesn’t exist - has never existed. Sinking back against the chair, I look into space trying hard to register what this means.
The sound of the phone ringing interrupts my thought process and I reach out and say breathlessly, “Sarah Standon.”
There is nothing on the other end.
“Hello, can you hear me?”
Again, nothing and I make to cut the call when I hear a low whisper, “I told you I’d make you pay.”
The fear grips my heart and twists it hard. Richard.
My legs start shaking as he says softly, “I am going to make you pay for the rest of your miserable life. You will never escape me, Sarah. This is the calm before the storm because I haven’t even got started yet.”
I say shakily, “Where are you?”
He laughs dully. “I am in your head, your heart and your world. You will never be free of me and the only time you will be is if I decide to let you go. But I never will, Sarah because you’re mine. Always were, always will be, MINE! You thought you could escape, but you were wrong. I will always own you and you will soon discover what that means.”
He slams the phone down and I drop mine as if it burns. Where is he?
My heart beats furiously as I grab hold of the phone and dial the number to reveal the last caller. There is nothing. No caller ID and I panic.
Richard is out there, stalking me and biding his time. Quickly, I dial Tony’s number and he answers almost immediately, “Hey, Sarah, what’s up?”
I say breathlessly, “Richard just called, please hurry.”
He says firmly and with an authority I need right now. “Stay where you are, I’m on my way.”
It only takes about twenty minutes before I
hear the car pull up outside. I look out of the window and see his silver Volvo next to mine and almost run to the door. Wrenching it open, the words come thick and fast. “He called me - Richard. He told me he would make me pay. He’s somewhere nearby, Tony. I know it’s him. He’s messing with my mind and torturing me at night. He wants to send me mad but I won’t let him.”
Tony reaches out and grabs hold of my arms. “Take a deep breath, Sarah. That’s it, in and out, try to calm down and then you can tell me everything.”
He helps me inside and sits beside me on the couch while I tell him what happened last night and then this morning. He looks at me thoughtfully. “That’s all a bit weird. You say, there’s no trace of his name on any paperwork.”
I nod, my eyes filling with tears. “How is that possible?”
He shakes his head. “I’m not sure but I can look into it. There will be documented proof on the system somewhere that you both own this house if it was ever filed.”
“What do mean, if?”
He looks at me kindly. “I’m sorry, Sarah but Richard was/is a solicitor. He will know every trick in the book to tie things up legally. It appears he’s made it so you have everything. It may take a while but I’ll box up the paperwork and get a team working on it. If he has done anything illegal, we will soon know about it.”
I nod and then remember the call. “But he called me, Tony. I spoke to him and he was cold and threatening. He told me I would pay and I’d never be rid of him.”
Tony jumps up and says firmly, “Which phone did you use?”
I lead him into Richard’s office and point to the phone. “There. That one.”
I watch as he dials the recall number but as I found out – nothing. Shrugging, he replaces it, saying, “I’ll get on to the phone company. It won’t be difficult to get a list of numbers who called here. Even if it’s withheld, it will still be traceable.”
