Finding Love

by Natalie Ann

  He looked over at Sheldon and nodded his head to her father. “How much longer do you have?” Erik asked.

  “A few months maybe. I don’t think what I’m taking is working as much as it’s just prolonging the inevitable. My organs are starting to fail. Today’s a good day, but I’ll be whipped by the time I get home.”

  “Where is home?” Sheldon asked.

  “Baltimore. Not far. I’ll be fine,” he said standing up. “I won’t take up more of your time. You can do what you want with that information. If you want to get tested, it’s all there.”

  Erik would look over Rich’s family history another day. He saw it was all fairly detailed. Sheldon was standing still, looking like she didn’t know what to do right now. “Thank you,” she said.

  Rich nodded. “Sheldon, for what it’s worth, I think it was better I wasn’t in your life. You seemed to have turned out pretty good.”

  “Yeah, I did,” she said.

  “Let me see you out,” Erik said. He walked out with Rich, then stopped in the driveway with him, pulled his card out of his wallet. “I’m not sure what Sheldon will do. If you don’t mind, could you send me any additional medical information you have? Let me know what is going on.”

  “Sure. Take care of her,” Rich said, then got in his car and drove away.

  Erik was sure that would be the last time Sheldon would see her father. It was sad that they didn’t even say goodbye to each other, let alone embrace.

  He walked back into the house and saw her just staring out the kitchen window, so he went to her and pulled her into his arms.

  “Am I a horrible person for feeling nothing at all right now?”

  “No. You’re not. I don’t think you’re alone in those thoughts.” He’d seen the cool distant look in Rich’s eyes too. He was here out of obligation, not sincerity. It was sad, but it was life. And sometimes life really sucked.

  Informed Decision

  On the drive to see her mother the next morning, Sheldon was thinking about Erik. How he held her after her father left. How he talked to her. And how he made her feel.

  Safe. Secure. Loved. And that thought scared her silly.

  There were so many emotions going through her yesterday after her father left. Anger that he pretty much admitted that he only continued to contact her because of his wife. Not because he wanted her to know, but more like he was trying to honor a duty.

  He hadn’t even made an attempt to touch her when she answered the door with him standing there. No one would have known it was her father looking at them from the outside. If he wasn’t going to make an attempt, she wasn’t either.

  Then she felt numb. Should she feel anything over the fact her father was dying? Sadness? If she was supposed to, she didn’t. Maybe she was just as cold as him.

  But under it all there was fear. Genetic. He had a rare genetic cancer. DNA, mutations, all sorts of things she didn’t want to think about. All sorts of things Erik told her to hold off for now. They didn’t need to focus on it. They didn’t need to talk or deal with it. For him to look into it some more and gather facts and then when she was ready they could talk some more.

  He was protecting her. She knew. But she didn’t need it.

  After Erik left, she’d done her own research. She’d looked up what she could and tried to make heads and tails of it.

  She also saw Erik was torn yesterday about not wanting to leave. But she pushed him along and put on a good front. It’s not like there was much he could have done anyway.

  Hold her maybe? For as good as it was, it didn’t solve anything. And in Sheldon’s mind, if she couldn’t solve it, then she was just ignoring it.

  Only this morning, she realized she couldn’t ignore the fact that she had to share this with her mother.

  She wasn’t doing it out of obligation or a duty. She was doing it because it was her mother and she loved her mother and she was scared.

  And sometimes in life when you’re scared you go to your parents. Since she only had one parent in her mind, that was who she was going to.

  “Morning, Sheldon. What a beautiful day. Did you want to go to lunch or just relax here and visit?” her mother asked when she opened the door.

  “Here is good,” she said, walking into her old childhood home. It still didn’t feel much like a home to her now. It didn’t when she was a kid either. When her father lived there, or when it was just her and her mother.

  It was just a place.

  She was shocked her mother continued to live here considering all the bad memories, but she guessed it was her mother’s way of moving on.

  “Is everything okay?” her mother asked, sitting in a chair in the living room.

  Sheldon sat on the couch and figured she might as well just start. Rip the band-aid off fast. Jump in the cold water headfirst. All those clichés. No reason to wait.

  “Dad came to see me yesterday.”

  “Why?” her mother asked, crossing her arms.

  Great. The defensive stance was starting. “Because he kept calling me and I was getting sick of waiting to see what he wanted. I called him back on my terms.”

  “What did he want?”

  “To tell me he’s dying.”

  Her mother just stared at her, not showing much of a reaction at all. “What’s wrong with him?”

  “A rare cancer. Says he’s doing some experimental therapies, but they’re just prolonging the inevitable.”

  “I wonder if that is why he was trying to call me too? To tell me?”

  “Don’t know. Could be. It was probably more that he was reaching out to you to get to me.”

  “Figures. He never cared for me much.”

  “Yet you married him and had a child.”

  Her mother looked away. “That’s in the past. So he came to make amends for how he treated you? To say he was sorry for walking away from you and never really looking back?”

  “No,” Sheldon said, feeling her eyes fill. “He apologized, but it was half-hearted at best. Said he only continued to contact me because his wife kept telling him to.”

  “No shocker,” her mother said, snorting. “I hope you showed him the door. He doesn’t deserve your pity.”

  “I don’t pity him. I don’t feel much for him at all other than from one human to another that he’s suffering. But he’s a stranger to me.”

  “Pretty much,” her mother said.

  Sheldon’s eyes were filling more. “It’s a genetic cancer, Mom. He dropped off all the paperwork. All the tests he’s had done. Erik was with me and looked it all over. He’s going to look into a few things and then I’ll take the next step. Whatever that is.”

  “What does that mean?” her mother asked, showing some reaction now. Her eyes getting glossy too.

  “It means once I know more, I’ll consider genetic testing too. I probably should know if I’ve got this mutation or whatever it is. I guess his mother had some form of cancer, but back then no one really knew what it was. Not like they can test for things now.”

  “I’m sure you don’t have it, Sheldon,” her mother argued. “Erik is just overreacting. He should stay out of this.”

  Sheldon was taken back by the irritation in her mother’s voice. She was hoping for some sympathy. Maybe compassion. She wasn’t expecting anger.

  “He’s a doctor. He can help me make an informed decision. Even if I don’t want to do anything right now, I should at some point. And there is no reason for you to get mad at Erik. He’s not doing anything to you, but is rather being there for me.”

  Her mother started to cry and Sheldon had no clue what the heck was going on. Yeah, this was distressing, but her mother was acting really odd. This kind of went back to the Humpty Dumpty reference she’d explained to Erik before.

  “I don’t think you need the test, Sheldon.”

  “I’ll make that decision. Not you. It’s not your life,” she argued. How could her mother think she could tell her what to do?

  “You may not h
ave it,” her mother said again.

  “I know it’s a fifty-fifty chance. But I’m not sure I’m willing to ignore those odds, Mom. I didn’t come here to discuss this with you. I came here to tell you and was hoping that you’d comfort me. That you’d give me a hug. Something.” Seriously, was Erik the only one that could offer her comfort? Why didn’t she realize her mother never comforted her all those years ago during the divorce either?

  “Don’t hate me, Sheldon.”

  “I could never hate you. Why would you even say that?”

  Her mother stood up and started to pace. “Sheldon. I don’t think he’s your father,” her mother just blurted out.

  “What?!” How could her life get any more complicated right now? This couldn’t be happening. This had to be a dream. Or maybe a nightmare.

  “Let me explain.”

  “Please do. And sit your butt down. Stop pacing.”

  Her mother sat down and started to wring her hands. “Your father and I were dating.”

  “Don’t call him that if it’s not true.”

  “We were dating. He was always self-absorbed, but not like he was after we married. We’d gotten in a fight because I was sick and tired of him ignoring me all the time. I ran into an old friend I used to work with. A guy friend. He was having similar issues with his wife.”

  “Wife?” Sheldon asked. “My father—my potential father—was a married man. Married to someone else?”

  “We got talking.” It wasn’t lost on Sheldon that her mother ignored that question. “We were at a bar and one thing led to another. We ended up at a hotel that night. It was one night. We were careless. We had a little bit too much to drink. One night,” her mother said, crying.

  “And you got pregnant?”

  “I found out I was pregnant. Your father—Rich—and I didn’t use protection all the time either. We were stupid back then.”

  “So you don’t know who my father is? No one knows it might not be Rich? Or does he know and that is why he’s been so cold to me?”

  “He doesn’t know. No one does. Neither does the man I was with that night. He and his wife worked it out. He came to see me a week later and said that it shouldn’t have happened. That he was sorry and hoped I’d never say a word. That he found out his wife was pregnant and they were going to try to make it work.”

  “So no one knows at all. How do you even know if he is?” This was horrible. Talk about not having an identity.

  “I’m pretty positive it’s not Rich. We hadn’t had sex in almost two weeks before we split. I did the math from when I had gotten my last period. When I realized the enormity of it all, I didn’t know what to do. I was pregnant and was going to be all alone...I panicked. I called Rich and told him.”

  “He never thought for one minute it wasn’t his child?”

  “No. We didn’t have sex often. Part of the reason we were fighting. I withheld sex from him all the time. He always accused me of not liking sex. He was probably right. I didn’t care for it much. Or didn’t need it often.”

  “This can’t be happening right now,” Sheldon said, standing up. And there went the pain in her stomach, flaring up again, bringing her back to the realization this truly was happening.

  “I’m so sorry, Sheldon. I never thought anyone would find out.”

  Sheldon walked to the door and just stormed out, never saying goodbye. Never saying anything at all.

  She just started her car and made the drive home, thinking of everything she knew in her life and how it was all a lie.

  All last night she’d cried in her bed realizing that the only thing her father potentially ended up giving her was a deadly mutation. And that he wasn’t even a decent enough person to want to tell her, that he had to be forced to.

  Instead of her mother comforting her, holding her, telling her it was going to be okay, she told her that the life she always knew wasn’t really her life at all.

  That not only was her father not her father, but that her mother didn’t even tell her who was. That the guy didn’t even know himself.

  Her mother had the gall to ask if Erik was married back in the beginning, when she’d been guilty of that herself. What a hypocrite.

  All these years Sheldon was ticked at her father. Ticked that he treated her mother horribly, when deep down her mother was in the wrong.

  Her mother told a man he had a child when he didn’t. Married that man, and gave that name to Sheldon when she didn’t deserve any of it.

  Erik was right. It would have been better if her mother had been a stronger person and just accepted what she did and tried to care for her herself. Tried to take responsibility for her actions rather than bringing an innocent man into it.

  Instead, it was her mother’s actions that destroyed three lives.

  Stronger and Deeper

  Erik left work early. He couldn’t remember the last time he did that. But when Sheldon called him crying, he knew what he needed to do. He couldn’t leave her alone. He couldn’t let her deal with whatever was bothering her without being there to help.

  She was dealt a horrible hand yesterday when her father came and dropped that bombshell on her. He’d wanted to stay and be with her. Try to talk to her. Or even take her mind off of it.

  But she put up a good front and told him to go to work, that she’d be fine. She was going to lose herself in her work and push it aside. She wasn’t ready to deal with it.

  He had a feeling she did that a lot in her life, but he let her go. They may have only been dating a short time, but what he felt for her was stronger and deeper than he ever felt for Marjorie.

  Holding himself back had been difficult. He didn’t want to let on. He didn’t want to scare her.

  But she called him and she needed him and he was going to be there for her because that was what people who cared for each other did. That was what people who loved each other did.

  That she called him had to mean something. She could have called Melissa. Melissa who was only a few houses down.

  Nope. She called him.

  He walked in her front door but didn’t see her anywhere. He called her name but then saw a movement out on the back patio and made his way there.

  “Hey,” he said.

  She didn’t hesitate to stand up and run into his arms and hold him tight, then just start bawling her eyes out.

  “Shhh. Just let it out. It’s okay.”

  He held her because he had to.

  Because he had no choice.

  Because he was in love with her.

  She cried for ten minutes nonstop, his heart just breaking. He’d moved them over to a lounge chair and pulled her into his lap.

  Finally she lifted her head, and wiped her eyes. “Wow. Sorry about that.”

  “Don’t be sorry. You obviously needed it. I knew yesterday was harder than you let on. You need to stop holding so much in.”

  “It wasn’t that. Not completely. I went to see my mother this morning. I wanted to tell her what happened.”

  “And?” he asked.

  Her bottom lip started to quiver. That she was letting herself feel this much, that she was opening up for him and showing a side of her that wasn’t so strong said he may mean a great deal to her. Even if she didn’t want to voice it out loud.

  “She told me something that made it all worse.”

  “What could she possibly say to make that worse?” Erik asked.

  Then Sheldon started to laugh. And laugh hysterically. He was getting worried. “Oh my God, it’s not worse. It’s better. I mean at least from what happened yesterday, it’s better. But the rest of my life bites right now. That’s what is worse. What a bitch!”

  He was lost. Sheldon slid off his lap and just started to stalk around. “What am I missing?”

  “No worries about spending your time looking into that mutation. No reason for me to even get tested.”

  “Why?” He’d never seen her like this before. She was always happy. Always laid back enough. Playfu
l and fun. Now she looked like she was on a warpath.

  “Because my mother confessed that Rich isn’t my father. That she had a one-night stand during a break with him and got pregnant.”

  “Oh.” What was he supposed to say to that? “She’s positive he isn’t your father?”

  “As positive as she can be. She started out saying that it was a possibility and then said that she knew. Guess she liked to withhold sex from Rich back then. They were fighting and she got cozy with some guy she used to work with in a bar one night. A married man.”

  “And that man is your father?”

  “Seems that way. From what my mother said, this guy was having issues with his wife, or so he told her. Then the next week he sought her out and said he found out he was going to be a father and wanted to make his marriage work. He wanted to be assured my mother didn’t tell anyone. So she didn’t. She was pissed and hurt and found herself alone and pregnant.”

  “So she told Rich it was his kid? And he believed it?”

  “Yep and yep. She said he had no reason not to. I guess that explains why he never felt much for me. Never felt a connection. I’m not his. So yeah, it’s good news that I don’t have to worry about inheriting any mutation for a rare cancer, but the bad news is, I don’t know who I am.”

  “So who is your father?” he asked. This all seemed so far-fetched, but he knew it wasn’t.

  “No clue. She didn’t tell me. I left before I could ask her again. It doesn’t matter. Whoever this guy is, he doesn’t know about me either. Why does it matter now? It’s not like I’ve ever had a father figure in my life. I don’t need one now.”

  “No. You don’t. Come here,” he said, reaching for her. “I don’t know what to say to you right now. I’m at a complete loss. What do you need from me?”

  “I need exactly what you’re doing.”

  ***

  The sad part was right now the only person she felt she could rely on in her life was Erik. The only person who maybe was being truthful with her. Honest. That was putting her first. The person she knew the least amount of time—and felt the closest to.