Finding Love

by Natalie Ann

  She wanted to relent but couldn’t. Not yet. Not until she was sure. “Stop. I’m serious.”

  He stood still. “What’s this about?”

  “Everything you do. Everything you’ve done since we’ve been together. Is that really who you are or were you doing them because you read them in my books and you think I want that? That it’s what I’m looking for?”

  She looked at his face. He started to flush. He was weighing his words, she knew. “Tell me, Erik.”

  “I really am like this. I’ve always been this way. So I read your books and got a feel for you in the beginning. But like you’ve said a million times, that’s just fiction, not real life.”

  “Oh my God. I’m such a fool. I can’t believe I fell for this again. I can’t believe you could do this to me. When will I ever learn?” She walked toward the door and grabbed her purse, her eyes filling with tears. She was so stupid.

  “Wait, Sheldon. Where are you going?”

  “I’m leaving. I thought you were different. I thought all along I was wrong and that there was someone out there that could make me not be so cynical about life and yet here I am, being made to look like a fool again.”

  Why did this have to hurt so much?

  He grabbed her arm. “You’re looking at it wrong. I like your books. I like that side of you. And you’re just pissed off that I proved to you that you really like it too. That you can say you don’t, that it doesn’t exist, but I proved to you it does. And not only that, you want more of it.”

  Now she was pissed. How dare he? She jerked her arm away. “Not if it’s not honest. Not if it’s not really you.”

  “It is me!” he shouted. “How many times do I have to tell you that? Can you honestly tell me that everything I’ve done is in your books? Everything exactly?”

  She couldn’t. It wasn’t possible. And she wrote and researched so much there was no way to remember what was published or sitting in files. But she couldn’t fully rationalize that right now. “I’m so sick of being played. Being manipulated.”

  “No one is manipulating you at all. You just can’t stand the fact that you’ve had this idea in your head about life and what can be and not be and now you’re wrong. That everything you’ve believed isn’t the truth. You can’t admit that. You can’t admit that maybe you’re falling in love with me but are looking for a reason to walk away.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  Holy shit. Could he read her mind now too? Was it possible? Did she really think exactly what he was saying? Maybe? It didn’t bear analyzing now.

  “Really? I’ve seen it, Sheldon. It’s avoidance. You’ve done it your whole life. You know it. You put yourself in this little world where you can write things the way you want. Form the story the way you want it and when it’s not going the way you think it should, you just change it. You think because it’s in your head that you can change directions and no one gets hurt.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “I’m right. Newsflash. Life is about getting hurt. Life can’t be only experienced in books and movies. You know that. You don’t want to admit it. And you know how I know it?”

  “No,” she said, opening the door.

  He grabbed it and stopped her. “I know it because you write something you want. And I’m not the only one who realized that. I didn’t manipulate you one bit. You actually manipulated yourself! I fell in love with you the minute you were teasing me in the ER while you were in pain. When I ran into you at the coffee shop. All those times before I even knew who you were. It’s you I fell in love with and all I did was show you all the things you were missing in life by doing stuff I’ve done with everyone. By being me, I brought something out of you. Don’t be looking for excuses to say it was something else. To say you let yourself go and now you’re scared.”

  He released the door and let her leave. She wanted him to stop her because he was right. But he didn’t. He was letting her go. Letting her figure it out on her own.

  She fell in love with him because he was the only person to see what she really wanted in life and he gave it to her without her even knowing.

  Instead of staying, she got into her car and drove to Annapolis.

  Someone Believe

  “Sheldon. What are you doing here?” her mother asked. “What’s wrong?”

  She wiped the tears from her eyes. “I came here to tell you what you did was horrible and rotten and mean and wrong. That you had no right to lie to Rich. That you had no right to lie to me. That what you did caused your own misery and you’ve got no one to blame but yourself.”

  “How dare you say those things to me?”

  “I dare anything I want. I get you were young. I get you were scared. But you were wrong! You made someone believe he was my father. Someone who didn’t care about me in the least and you knew it. Instead of taking a stand and ending it, you held on because you wanted something and you weren’t going to be the one to let go.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about.”

  “I’m not stupid. I remember a lot. He didn’t give you what you wanted. But it never occurred to you that you trapped him into a marriage he didn’t want. That not only did he marry and support you, but it wasn’t even his kid. He didn’t have to do that. He could have walked away and just paid support. It probably would have been better had he done that.”

  “No, it wouldn’t have.”

  “Why? Because you didn’t want to be alone and pregnant? You didn’t want to be talked about? That you got to save face by getting married. That you didn’t want to be looked at like a homewrecker if you told the man who fathered me the truth. You were the one that wrecked a lot of homes, Mom.”

  Her mother was crying now. “I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say. You just don’t understand.”

  “I understand enough. I understand that you were selfish. But you controlled that. You made those choices. You never stopped to think that all those things you’ve said over the years were going to influence my opinion of men in my life. That I had no good examples of a guy in my life and it partially falls on your shoulders.”

  “You know it exists. You write about it all the time. You just like being independent. You just like answering only to yourself. Don’t blame me.”

  “No. I don’t. I let you and everyone believe that I like answering only to myself. Because every time I opened myself up to someone I got hurt. I got sick of being hurt. So I put a wall up. And then I met someone that knocked that wall down. And you know what? I probably just threw it all away. You want to know why? Because I always hear you whispering in my ear how rotten men are. How they never care for you. They’re always distrustful and lying. Guess what? You’ve been describing yourself all along.”

  Her mother sucked in a breath. “You don’t mean that.”

  “Yep. I do. I mean every word of it. In the past several weeks, everything I’ve ever known has been turned upside down on me. So you know what? I’m taking you with me. Why should I be the only one to feel like this? I’m going to let you feel some remorse too. You see, I’m mature enough to know that the decisions I’ve made are my own because I’m an adult. And if I’ve let your words and actions influence them, then that’s on me. Let’s see if you can be mature enough to do the same.”

  She turned and slammed out the door. Wow, that felt wonderful.

  Only it didn’t when she doubled over in pain again. Shit.

  ***

  Erik was sitting on his back patio looking out at the water. No use trying to contact Sheldon. She wouldn’t answer anyway. She’d talk to him when she was ready.

  How the hell did this happen?

  Did he read her books and do some of the things? Maybe. A little. But nothing exactly. He just wanted a little insight into her. Just wanted to get a better understanding of her. Nothing more. No manipulation at all.

  After their first few dates though, he didn’t pay much attention to details in her books other than
he read most the things he always loved to do. It was like she was writing about him in her books. All the stuff he enjoyed and he’d assumed it was what she’d want. Everything that touched him. He just thought deep down she felt the same about him but was afraid to admit it.

  Guess he was wrong.

  He dropped his head back and looked up at the sunset, wondering what she was doing. Probably sitting at her computer fixing another book that got messed up because it wasn’t turning out the way she really thought it would.

  “Erik!”

  He jumped up fast when he heard his name yelled from the front of the house and took off in a run. That wasn’t the voice of anger, but pain. Agony.

  “Sheldon, what’s wrong?”

  She was doubled over in the car, her head on the steering wheel. “It hurts.” She was sucking her breath in fast, fighting back tears.

  He reached in and picked her up, carrying her into the house. Her face was white, sweat running down her neck and she was shaking. “Come on. Damn it, Sheldon. I thought you were taking care of yourself.”

  “I have been.”

  He should have seen this coming. Too much going on in her life. Just because she was more open about it didn’t mean it wasn’t an internal struggle with her. Didn’t mean she had the means to physically handle the pain she’d been going through, let alone the emotional one.

  He sat her on a chair in his kitchen, then opened up a cabinet and grabbed a bottle of antacid, pouring some in the dosage cup, adding a little extra. “Drink this. It’ll take the edge off but not much more right now. We’ll get you through this.”

  She downed it fast. “Yuck. Do you keep chalk in the house?”

  He laughed. “No. What’s wrong with you? Where did you go?” He just wanted to try to piece things together. Get her mind off the pain until it subsided a bit.

  “I went to my mother’s and gave her hell and this is how the universe pays me back.”

  “This is how you pay yourself back when you internalize everything. When you don’t say what you’re feeling.”

  “I don’t need a lecture. I just gave one to my mother. A damn good one if I do say so myself. Told her to grow up and take responsibility for her actions. To stop blaming other people. To stop playing the victim.”

  “What did she say to that?”

  “Not much. Told me I was wrong. But she’s wrong. I know she is because it’s exactly what I’ve been doing my whole life. I always blamed someone else. And when I didn’t get what I wanted, I just pretended it would be that way in my head. You weren’t wrong there.”

  He couldn’t believe she was admitting this. “Why are you telling me this?”

  “Because I need to. Everything you said. It’s all right there. I’ve wanted everything I’ve written in my books. Always. But every time I tried or every time I thought I had it, I’d get hurt. So I stopped trying. I could live through my characters and that seemed good enough. Only it wasn’t really.”

  “Tell me what happened? Tell me why you stopped trying.” He’d known all along. But he’d never be able to help her completely if he didn’t know the truth.

  “I’ve been cheated on, lied to. I think a lot of people have. But I was young and in school and it hurt, but it wasn’t unexpected. The signs had always been there. But I kept trying. Then I met this guy in college. He was really sweet. In my literature class.”

  “So you had something in common with him?”

  “I did. It wasn’t like he showed me any romance or anything. But we’d study together. We’d grab a movie on campus. We went on a few dates. Then he wanted to have sex. He was going to be my first. I was nervous and excited at the same time.”

  He wasn’t sure he wanted to hear about this in detail, but was going to let her talk. “What happened?”

  “It was all good. Everything was. I really liked him. I thought I was falling for him too. So we did the deed. I lost my virginity to him. A few weeks later I found something about a fraternity in his room. I asked him what it was and he said he was pledging. I was shocked. I didn’t picture him as the type to join a fraternity.”

  “Why?”

  “Were you in one?” she asked.

  “No. I don’t care for that type of an organization, nor did I have time.”

  “That’s because you’re a strong confident person, but Jeff wasn’t. And then I found out that I was his ‘haze’.”

  “What?” This was going to make him sick. He knew it.

  “That part of the hazing process was to have sex with a virgin. He wasn’t confident enough to just ask. To just say what was going on like so many others were. Nope, he had to make it seem like he was really into me.”

  Erik felt his hands fist. “How did you find out?”

  “I asked around. When I confronted him he didn’t deny it. But he said it only started out that way. That he really did care for me. That he was sorry if he hurt me, but it wasn’t his intention. He wanted to tell me the truth but was afraid to lose me.”

  “I hope you kicked him in the balls.”

  She burst out laughing, then grabbed her side. “Melissa said she’d do that if she ever saw him. No. I didn’t. I left and then I avoided him. Pretended he didn’t exist all the while letting it dictate any future I had with someone.”

  “This was how you started writing romance, wasn’t it? Because after what happened you wanted to challenge yourself to do something you didn’t think existed. That happy ending?”

  “Yeah. And deep down I found out that it’s what I wanted, but never had.”

  “Until now?” he asked.

  “Until you.”

  “Does this mean we’re in a relationship?” he asked, smiling. This all had to be a dream to him.

  “I guess so. I mean, I think I love you.”

  “You think?” he asked. “Maybe you could decide since you know how I feel.”

  “I’ve never felt it before, but it’s what I always thought it’d feel like. So yeah. I’m thinking I do. I love you, Erik.”

  My Answer

  “Are things getting any better with your mother?” Melissa asked her a month later.

  They were sitting on the dock sipping coffee. Now that Sheldon’s stomach was back under control again she was venturing out there with a cup a day.

  “They are. Somewhat, I guess. We’re talking a little bit more, but I’m not sure things will ever be the way they used to be. What time do you need to be to the office?”

  “By eight. I’m surprised you got up this early and wanted to have breakfast with me. That says you’ve got something on your mind, so why are you holding back?”

  “I don’t know. I couldn’t sleep more than anything else.”

  “The funeral get to you?” Melissa asked, not really looking at her, just chatting like Sheldon had hoped.

  “A little.”

  Rich had died last week and she went to the funeral. She had to.

  To the outside world he was still her father and even though he never acted like it, and she never felt any type of connection or bond to him, it would be disrespectful to not go and pay her respects. She’d stood there and looked at a picture of him on the casket. No other pictures around, nothing. If it wasn’t for his second wife there and a few co-workers, you’d think he’d had no one.

  A pretty sad existence, but as Sheldon had been preaching to herself for a while now, he made his own choices in life.

  “How did it go yesterday? I’m dying to know and you haven’t said a word. I guess I figured that was the main reason you wanted to come over.”

  The reading of Rich’s will was yesterday at his lawyer’s office. She’d been shocked when she was told at the funeral about it and that her presence was requested.

  “He left me a life insurance policy. Not a big one. Twenty-five thousand. Something he took out years ago when I was a child.”

  Melissa dipped her sunglasses down and looked over the rim. “What are you going to do with it?”

  “D
onate it. I don’t feel right taking it. It isn’t mine.”

  “Sheldon. It’s yours. He’s your father. A poor excuse of one, but he is.”

  “If he’d known I wasn’t his, he would have severed his ties completely. You know that and I know that.”

  “But he didn’t know,” Melissa argued.

  “It doesn’t make it right. I feel donating it is the right thing to do.”

  “Where are you going to donate it?”

  “I found a few charities for single mothers. Ironic, I know. But it feels like the best use of funds. The right place for it to go.”

  “Probably.” They sat there in silence some more. “Anything else on your mind? What did your mother say about it?”

  “She didn’t say anything about the money. She remembered he’d taken the policy out at her urging all those years ago. I guess that is another reason I was annoyed. It’s not like he did it on his own.”

  “But he still continued to pay for it and he didn’t have to at all.”

  “Yeah. I know.” Sheldon sipped her coffee some more. Savoring it, knowing she wouldn’t have another cup until tomorrow at this time. “My mother asked me what I thought about her reaching out to my biological father.”

  “What are your thoughts on it? Is that her way to try to make amends?”

  “I told her she’s a big girl. It’s her decision, not mine. I didn’t want my answer to influence her.”

  “And what was her response?”

  “She told me she found him on social media. That he was single now. Since she knew that, she felt better about approaching him.”

  Melissa laughed. “Whatever works in her mind.”

  “I feel the same way.”

  “How are things with Erik? Something more is going on. You’re never this quiet. You don’t need another flare-up of your ulcer.”

  Sheldon grinned. “Things are good there. Better than ever. I never thought I’d ever feel this way about someone. I guess I’m just reflecting so much on my life now. So many changes in such a short period of time. I’m not sure how I would have gotten through them all if he wasn’t there for me.”